avi_28 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 (this will be a bit long I do apologize in advance) Where do I start...I kissed another guy this weekend and I am falling apart, crying randomly and just sick to my stomach...my boyfriend and I we have our good days and bad and I do love him, more than I believe he loves me but NOW that I kissed this other guy I have all these emotions like being a billion times more paranoid with my guy AND just thinking maybe he will come clean about the Easter incident... I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and half now and basically our messed up relationship IS this: He isn't affectionate, emotionalNo sex (I am lucky if I get it twice a month) he has an issue with his "package" areaI am constantly accusing him of cheating on me - On Easter Sunday he told me to be ready for dinner at 8pm - he was going to his class group meeting and he lied to me saying EVERYONE would be there YET it was him and a new girl and he claims they studied for an hr and for 2 hrs they spent it at a bar and he never once texted or called me to tell me he was going to be LATE - then to top it off he didn't admit this till the next morning... So he lied to my face saying "WE ALL" went to the bar etc...I know where he is at - at all times YET he is so secretive when he goes online, he changed his email passwords and I threatened to call the "new" girl from school he lied to me about and he freaked the f8ck out about that... So he has a p/w on his phone It's like I am not good enough for him YET I am 100% aware that I can leave this relationship at anytime but out of stupidity I don't bc I love him He has cheated his entire life with all his ex girlfriend and their "friends" (yep...) and even his ex-wife. He claims he hasn't cheated on me at all - YET I am so paranoid about his past that I don't believe him... What I did by kissing this other guy, I am not here to say "I got even etc..." bc I am constantly accusing him. I do KNOW why I kissed this guy, I kissed him bc I wanted to feel "Wanted" if that makes any sense... I mean my bf doesn't even kiss me - I think the last time we actually kissed was last year. The guy I kissed made me feel brand new but it didn't last long and whats done is done. I don't know what to do... My bf and I are really not good to one another yet we make it work in some odd way...none the less I know things will end soon...I am crying my eyes out bc NOW after kissing this guy - all these things are popping into my head like... If anything did happen between him and this girl on Easter, look how easy it is for me to keep the kiss hidden from my bf - it's as easy as him doing the same. He always has told me that if he ever did anything wrong he would tell me so I can move on, although apart of me feels like he WOULD do that and the other half of me feels like he WOULDN'T He is 5 years older than me (I am 29) and I do fear he has some sort of "game" - saying that if he got away with it with the other women - whats the possibility that he has gotten away with it now, that's if he has or hasn't done anything... I feel guilty... I know some ppl may view me as the bad person (like I view myself now) bc again I am accusing him based on his past (that I can't get past myself even though I wasn't apart of it) and he's either done something or not... I am going crazy here... I needed to get this off my chest...now it's up to me on how I break it too him I just feel like things will end so bad and I won't know how to control the situation
Spark1111 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Welcome to Ls and I am sorry for what you are going through. Please put it in perspective. This is a serial cheater; a man who has cheated on every woman he has ever been with. It seems, when the "newness" wears off, he grows bored and moves on to the next woman. Sex twice a month? never kissses you? Lied about two hours at a bar with another woman and then changed his password when you threatened to call her? You know the answer to this already. He is a master manipulator, liar and womanizer. Why, oh, why are you still there when he is out seeking your replacement? Or maybe he isn't, but you do not trust him as far as you can throw him. Change the locks, or better yet, leave yourself. You know in your gut what is going on. It is not that had drinks with a classmate, it is that he lied by not telling you. That is called lying by ommission. And he is upset with you? That's called gaslighting. And it will make you crazy because that is what it is designed to do --convince you you are crazy when your instincts are telling you otherwise. If you really are unsure, there are keyloggers, and cellphone spy, gps trackers and a host of stuff that will prove or disprove your instincts. But I think you are denying your gut. Your revenge "kiss" says to me you already know the answer. 2
Author avi_28 Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 @Spark1111, Thank you for the welcome.. My mom calls him a "Career Cheater" bc of everything he has done, to other women etc... with them finding out. You see after he told me 2 months into our relationship that he has always cheated, I thought I would be able to handle that...in other words be able to just let it slide bc after all he is a brand new man in my eyes (how he's wanted me to view him) - When I threatened to call her he grabbed the phone out of my hand and told me I was messing with his education bc if I call and start problems with her it will cause riff between the other classmates and he can't afford to get into any problems with ppl he goes to class with... When I asked him what they did exactly at the bar he said they had 1 beer ea and that was it, but I went beyond that and accused him of probably doing something else, by what I said to him his response was "I wish I could be with a girl like her" Which made me feel even more uncomfortable BECAUSE if supposedly nothing has happened - I know now that he is interested in her... One night I walked right up to him and told him I got such a bad feeling and he pretty much told me to F' off and F' my bad feelings that he didn't care about them...I have had that darn women's intuition and by god my gut tells me that he has been up to no good, only thing IS me knowing where he is at all times...and NOW with him not going to his classes etc...it's like what will happen now? The only time he would see this girl from class is AT class and on their Sunday group meet...but he won't be seeing her no more yet I know he will keep in contact with her and that's what kills me the most... My own mother has told me that he is doing everything he can to convince me that I am crazy not him... I do believe that he knows exactly what he is doing... I moved to where he lives and together we rented a house from his sister so we live around his family...We (his family too) are always together...the only other time he isn't with me or family is on Sunday and Thursday (Sunday is his school group meeting and Thursday is when he is at school) Now that school is out for him till he starts the Academy he won't have that Sunday Meet or Class on Thursday anymore... I have to wait till our lease is up come Oct. he won't pay me what I paid to get this house and it sucks...I can't talk to his sister bc she tells him everything - so I have to stay put...What I put into this house to get it will help me get out of here so it's a waiting game till then... Since April ... I've given him plenty of oppertunities to just come clean but he still swears he has done nothing wrong! I mean during our arguments he says a bunch of stuff like finding a girl better than me THEN turns around and apologizes and never does he admit to doing anything else... You know the only other way to put this is this... I know I should leave on most days that we argue but at the same time I don't because if he hasn't done anything then it's ME doing wrong (accusing) but if he IS doing something behind my back or has and hasn't done it anymore and he isn't telling me I do believe he won't tell me so that I can turn around and say I am RIGHT bc he won't let me be right... I am making myself sick and sicker every time I worry about him and I know it's all got to end soon... After kissing this guy made me feel even more sicker...
BetrayedH Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 He's been a serial cheater. His history is not to be honest but to lie and manipulate thosr he has betrayed into thinking they have it all wrong and that they are the crazy ones. Look, the real problem is that you don't have a foundation of trust. Whether you can "prove" he is cheating or not is frankly, irrelevant. You can't trust him for good reason (his admitted past behaviors) and he clearly isn't taking steps to restore that trust when he is actively lying about where and whom he is with and changing his phone passwords. By the way, since the semester is over, there should be mo problem calling her now, right? Short version...you're not married and don't have kids with this guy. I suspect you deserve better than him. Get the heck outta there. 2
Spark1111 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 If any man i dated or then married, and I'm still married, ever said or implied he wished he could get a girl like that and be with her...... I would respond, and did once, "there's the door. If you think you can do better, buh-bye." You should too. 2
Silly_Girl Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 You feel guilty because you believe cheating is wrong. Yet you are allowing your boyfriend to treat you with some contempt. You deserve so much better - do you realise that?
Author avi_28 Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 My biggest question is this .... why after every argument he and I hv where im packed and ready to lv does he beg me to stay "if"he hasn't done anything wrong? Im not that pretty im a bit over weight... i mean im not all that .... I do wonder if all this paranoia i hv in the end will be nothn "if"he he hasn't done anything...my heart tells me I won't be around to long to ever know...
GLDheart Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Please know that you can, will, and deserve better than this guy. If you want to see the "script" that you two are playing out, look up anxious and avoidant attachment styles and how a relationship between the two works. With a little self confidence, you will laugh at guys like this and never again give them the time of day.
whichwayisup Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 You feel guilty because you believe cheating is wrong. Yet you are allowing your boyfriend to treat you with some contempt. You deserve so much better - do you realise that? Exactly. Why do you think you deserve to be with someone who is a known cheater? The signs are all there. What is it that you love about him? Why do you want to work things out? If anything, I'd take time to figure out if you actually want to be with him. He isn't husband material.
whichwayisup Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 My biggest question is this .... why after every argument he and I hv where im packed and ready to lv does he beg me to stay "if"he hasn't done anything wrong? Im not that pretty im a bit over weight... i mean im not all that .... I do wonder if all this paranoia i hv in the end will be nothn "if"he he hasn't done anything...my heart tells me I won't be around to long to ever know... Because he is manipulative, guilt tripping you and playing the passive agressive game with you.. You know deep down in your gut he is up to no good. His track record shows this and his recent behaviour IS telling you this too. End it. Don't let him manipulate you into staying, be strong and just tell him he isn't worth fighting for and he isn't the person you want to spend the rest of your life with since you can't trust him.
Author avi_28 Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 Exactly. Why do you think you deserve to be with someone who is a known cheater? The signs are all there. What is it that you love about him? Why do you want to work things out? If anything, I'd take time to figure out if you actually want to be with him. He isn't husband material. Husband material he is NOT you know I ask myself that all the time... My bf will tell you or anyone else all he wants is to make money and if he dies his family will get his life insurance and they'll finally be "well off" Its like him being in a relationship isn't what he wanted and he makes me feel like he is stuck w/me and that really hurts my feelings... All I need is time to fly so I can get my deposit back from this house and leave.... In my 29 years .... I've spent 7 of those married to my ex husband and although he and I ledt with good things to say abt one another the only one thing he disliked so much abt me was that I cleaned too much and here with my bf he really makes me feel worthless :-(
Author avi_28 Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 How do I start a Journal here? I have been searching for the "Post entry " but can't find it...
whichwayisup Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 End it. You're not happy and he makes you feel worthless..That's not good. A boyfriend is supposed to bring out the best in you, make you feel loved and special, giddy and happy! He is having the opposite affect on you. Please consider breaking it off. This relationship is not going to work out.
whichwayisup Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 How do I start a Journal here? I have been searching for the "Post entry " but can't find it... You may have to wait longer, reach 100 posts and be here for a month before you get private message and access to journals. So, go check out the other sections of this place, and start replying to other peoples threads to get your post count up.
Author avi_28 Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 End it. You're not happy and he makes you feel worthless..That's not good. A boyfriend is supposed to bring out the best in you, make you feel loved and special, giddy and happy! He is having the opposite affect on you. Please consider breaking it off. This relationship is not going to work out. I don't have love for him anymore...its sad...more to me than to him. The end is near... Thank u for the Journal info!
Silly_Girl Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I don't have love for him anymore...its sad...more to me than to him. The end is near... Thank u for the Journal info! How are you? What are your plans? You say the end is near, what does the next week/month hold for you?
Author avi_28 Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 How are you? What are your plans? You say the end is near, what does the next week/month hold for you? I am not doing so well...My plans are to just wait for my deposits and move back home (east coast) When I say the end is near - it means we are parting soon I can feel it... I've been saying this to myself for quite sometime..he is starting the Police academy soon and I personally know I will be in his way.
DuckSoup Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 OK. The bf is a serial cheater + no/very little sex, also sounds kind of abusive. Are we missing something here? Just split.
Author avi_28 Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 OK. The bf is a serial cheater + no/very little sex, also sounds kind of abusive. Are we missing something here? Just split. His reasoning for little to no sex is one night we got into an argument after I had a miscarriage and he made fun of my weight and I got so angry that he didn't care so I made fun of his penis size and from that point on he got upset and said I hurt his feelings with what I said...but him telling me that HE would go on to have children and had hoped I miscarry any or all babies I have in the near future - to him I should get over that.. I'd have to say either he was getting it else where but me knowing where he was at all times doesn't add up...PLUS the him lying to me about the new girl in his class group (Easter Night) now tells me that even after that sex became once a month from April to June...we've had more sex this month than any other... He is angry at his parents for him having a small penis...and angry that i would throw that in his face... so THAT'S why there is barely any sex... if you ask him that's what he would tell you..
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