In a LTR/distance relationship and started an affair with an attached man

[Troubled_confused]

Hello everyone, This is my first post. I've finally decided i need to speak to someone about my current situation. I am in my late 20s and my boyfriend is the same, he lives in a different country from me and i love him very much. I have spent the last 4 years alone, first 4 years we were together. We find it hard to make time to visit eachother due to work and study commitments. I never even looked at another man until recently. No one could get to me, nobody compared to my bf. But as time got on i got really lonely, didnt have many friends to go out with as im more of a couple person not a group person. I got alot of offers from guys and i wasnt interested until one older man in my work ( he's 45) started to chat to me. I really liked him as a friend and over a year period we got close. Eventually we came to an understanding that we would just meet up for sex. I wanted this as i had only ever been with my bf and was very attracted to this man. I genuinely thought this would not make me feel lonely anymore and repair my relationship with my bf. At first things were great, until i started to fall for him and he did the same. My problem is that he has had a partner for 20 yrs and he has cheated on her a few times before. I stupidly asked alot of questions and got many truths which put me off him and usually being myself would have ran for the hills but i fell in love with him. I broke it off with him because he didnt want to leave his family to be with me, he was concerned about his kids both teenagers, i understood, i never said to leave his family i just told him i couldnt continue lying and leading two lives, so we parted and i was never gonna do this again. He contacted me and poured his heart out and said he would be with me. I know he loves me and i love him, but as we approach leaving our partners to be together in a new place im torn which life to choose. My bf is an angel and would never hurt me, but hes like a brother to me and im scared i'll never have that romantic feeling ever again, just living together but not really being happy. The OM is tbh drives me crazy, im sick with thinking is he cheating on me? i ask myself is it because i asked way too much info and now everything he does i examine and analyze. Im almost a different person because of these insecurities. Ive never found any evidence, just hunches and feelings. Can i ever trust him? i say to myself when were together and i know where he is i'll be fine. What im asking is if anyone has experienced this and did they ever get over this jealousy. He sometimes looks at girls/women and it enrages me so much but he always denies it. Ive acted out, acted crazy sometimes and he ends it or i end it but we always come back together. Can our relationship last considering we both know what the other is capable of? Thank you for your help

[Capris]

Hi Troubled.

Im sorry you got into this situation. I can totally relate in general and on the jealousy thing too. Specially that one. I was always jealous of him to the point where i made scenes. In my case, everything turned out to be true. Took me years to finally get out.

 

Advice? You already know the answer. You cant ever trust him.You're in love and you want to trust him. Im not saying he's cheating, it really doesnt matter, cause you are already worrying for something you shouldnt when you are in a supposingly loving relationship.

 

If you two cant keep it in a friends with benefits situation, stay away. If this guy is worth it, fight for it. Before you choose, try to set aside any feelings you have developed for him and look at the situation as a third person.

[D87]

Sucks to be your boyfriend lol

[Capris]

Oh, forgot, thought it was the default in here. I was in an affair, the guy im talking about was married, no, the jealousy never stopped. Im sure it differs from person to person though.

 

I always said to myself that if we were ever to be together as a normal couple, the jealousy would go away. He eventually cheated on me once he got single.

 

What did i do wrong? I assumed he would never do to me, what he has done to other people and i assumed that for more things other then cheating.

[alexandria35]

Troubled, first of all what is the purpose of continuing a relationship with someone who doesn't even live in the same country as you? I've never really understood the whole long distance relationship thing. Maybe I could do it with someone who was only an hour or two hour drive away but a whole country? for four years? No way, I couldn't see that being fulfilling relationship in any ways shape or form. If I had a boyfriend who was leaving the country for years on end I would be "hey it's been great but now it's time for us to part ways" Also later in your post you said this

My bf is an angel and would never hurt me, but hes like a brother to me and im scared i'll never have that romantic feeling ever again, just living together but not really being happy.

which really confuses me because your talking about living with your bf and not being happy but I thought he lived in another country. So it's hard to figure out what's going on there.

 

Your relationship with your MM is a drama filled dysfunctional mess that is unlikely to ever become a long term healthy relationship. Jealousy, insecurity, breaking up, distrust, him cheating on his wife, you being dishonest to your boyfriend. Do these things sound like building blocks to achieving a lasting relationship?

 

You spent the last 4 years pretty much alone due to your bf being in another country and then the very next guy you pick is married. Do you think theres a reason that you choose unavailable guys? Is there something about a guy who is out of your reach or that you pine away that feels like love and romance to you. I'm sure your initial response to that question will be to say no way, that these relationships fill you with angst and unhappiness so of course your not attracted to guys just because their unavailable to you but really dig deep and think about it. You've been asked out by lots of guys since your bf has been away but nobody attracted you? Why? What was wrong with these men? Were they to ugly? too boring? too stupid? or just too available? I supsect they didn't trigger your dyfunctional buttons and therefore didn't arouse any passion in you? Along come married guy and he's more difficult than the rest. You have to sneak around with him, he can't be there all the time, he's sort of elusive because he has this whole other private life (marriage and family) that your not a part of. You can only picture in your head what he's doing at home on the evenings he's not with you. He's out of reach and kind of mysterious. What you do know about him is that he likes to cheat which makes you feel jealous and insecure but also triggers excitement and passion in you. I suspect that if this guy really does leave his wife and family for you (doubtfull) that after you have him all to yourself for a while your going to find yourself wondering what the hell your doing with this old guy with a ton of issues and baggage. Or he will leave his wife and come to you and continue with his cheating ways which will keep him exciting to you but will also destroy your self worth and self esteem.

[Troubled_confused]

First of all i would like to thank you all for your comments, they have realy helped me. I have now ended my relationship with my bf and told my family about my affair. I live with my mother and she has gave me her blessing and said my OM can move in. I told him this and he was shocked but said he would in a few weeks time as he has holidays coming up and he wants to take his son away places before he leaves home. He has been crying alot and even tried to end it the other day, i slightly threatened him out of pure rage, basically i said he ruined my life and he isnt going back to his nice life after ruining mine. He asked if i was threatening him i said no. He said he was just worried about things and that he will be fine. In the meantime i feel like hes now testing the water to see if i will reveal to his partner photos, stories etc or even send them to his place of work. I guess i just need to wait these three weeks to see if he will come live here but i seriously doubt it. I'm gonna keep updating though so others can maybe benefit from such a situation. If in three weeks after me breaking uo with my bf and telling my family etc, he says no to living with me, should i tell his partner, show her pics etc, show her what he's really like? Thanks guys and gals Wish i could go to sleep for three weeks

[Troubled_confused]

Sorry i'm just upset and can't seem to write correctly on this forum. I put in spaces/paragraphs but it all comes out together. He didnt try to hurt himself, i meant he tried to end our relationship. He had said to me that he wouldn't get a flat for us until i had split with my bf, which i did, he then ended it a few weeks later but we reconciled, a few times this happened. Recently i told him to leave me alone and that i was gonna try make it work with my bf. He contacted me asking if i really was happy my my bf, i said no, he then declared love to me and that we would be together and all the usual. So me thinking a flat was the only thing keeping us apart, i told my mum and thought that him moving in would be a great start until we find a flat. So i was pissed the other day after telling my mum and my family and finally ending it again with my bf for him to say "i've been thinking and we will probably not have enough time to see eachother, "i've got alot to do with my son" "i play golf and work alot". I was hurt and lashed out, i didnt say "oh im gonna tell your partner" etc i just said "so you've ruined my life and you get to go back to yours no sweat". He saw this as a threat and ever since he's been asking if i would tell etc without being too obvious about it. Part of me knows he loves me but it seems it's not enough. I'll know in three weeks time. Everything so far has been on his terms. I feel like a fool

Edited July 28, 2012 by Troubled_confused

[alexandria35]

How exactly are you picturing this working out? You think this old guy is going to leave his family and move right in with you and your mother and that you all are going to a big happy family? You think his teenage kids are going to come over and have a nice cozy thanksgiving dinner and then you will all spend the evening playing board games and laughing together?

 

If this man had an ounce of caring for his children there is no way he would be considering moving in with you even if he was serious about leaving his partner. He would be getting his own place and making sure it's set up for his kids to come over and spend time with him. He'd know that his kids will need time to adjust to the split and he would keep you out of his relationship with them for a good period of time. If he leaves and moves right in with you, his kids are going to hate you with a passion. He isn't going to be able to see them or have overnights with them and his relationship with them will be severely damaged.

 

How has he ruined your life? Because you broke up with your boyfriend for him? That relationship needed to be ended anyway, it sounded like it had already died and somebody just needed to pull the plug. Other than that nothing has changed in your life. This MM hasn't ruined anything for you. So your thinking of telling his wife if he doesn't keep his word and move in with you? Go ahead and tell. I find it amusing that he's prince charming if he leaves but if he stays he's a jerk and his wife suddenly needs to know about it. I think he knows that you are thinking of telling her and he has likely started to prepare her for this so that when you do tell her she will not believe you. He's probably told her about this mentally unbalanced woman who has some crazy notions about him and now she's stalking him. By the time you get to his wife she will likely already be convinced that you're stark raving mad and that she should be afraid to even talk to you. I mean I don't think the guy is actually going to move in with you. What with all that golf he has to play and all.

[BetrayedH]

Meant gently...

 

This guy is not going to leave his life for you. He's just trying to figure out how to manage you enough to not be exposed. Even if he does come, what did you win? A serial cheater.

 

Your only choice is to cut it off, let your exBF find someone that will be true to him and try to figure out how you can avoid this kind of mess in the future. Individual counseling is a good idea. For now, just extricate yourself from it all.

[BetrayedH]

The golf thing was pretty classic. This guy doesn't have a clue what to do about you. He's saying whatever he can to get out of there.

[whichwayisup]

First of all i would like to thank you all for your comments, they have realy helped me. I have now ended my relationship with my bf and told my family about my affair. I live with my mother and she has gave me her blessing and said my OM can move in. I told him this and he was shocked but said he would in a few weeks time as he has holidays coming up and he wants to take his son away places before he leaves home. He has been crying alot and even tried to end it the other day, i slightly threatened him out of pure rage, basically i said he ruined my life and he isnt going back to his nice life after ruining mine. He asked if i was threatening him i said no. He said he was just worried about things and that he will be fine. In the meantime i feel like hes now testing the water to see if i will reveal to his partner photos, stories etc or even send them to his place of work. I guess i just need to wait these three weeks to see if he will come live here but i seriously doubt it. I'm gonna keep updating though so others can maybe benefit from such a situation. If in three weeks after me breaking uo with my bf and telling my family etc, he says no to living with me, should i tell his partner, show her pics etc, show her what he's really like? Thanks guys and gals Wish i could go to sleep for three weeks

 

This doesn't sound like a healthy situation for you, nor a healthy long lasting, trusting love. It sounds more like a needy/desparate thing to hang onto a MM, threaten him... You knew he was married with kids to begin with and you still started an affair with him. Just because you ended your relationship with your bf (which is a good thing as it wasn't fair to him that you were cheating on him) doesn't mean your MM is going to end his marriage to be with you. Many MM aren't looking for anything BUT an affair. You have expectations and hopes, yet he isn't biting.

[Troubled_confused]

Reading all your comments have made me realise i've been played. Not being able to speak to anyone about this situation has made me needy and desperate i admit. Pride i guess, not wanting to feel used. You're all right about my bf, wasn't fair on him, being a great guy he should be with someone that treats him better than i have recently. The older man i just txt saying don't contact me again unless you're coming to stay (was just temporary till we got a flat) but he's not looking for one anymore because he's "coming to stay with me" so that'll never happen.I don't expect a reply from him. Maybe there was a stronger love between us before but these months of him stringing me along has just ruined it. I've acted out by him not doing as he promised and he's probably had second thoughts because i've acted out, vicious circle that ends tonight. I'll keep you'll informed. I appreciate everyone posting and helping me. Sometimes you just really need to know some harsh truths. Live and learn. I won't be doing this ever again that's for sure. Thank you all

[OsiStruck]

I'd leave him alone.. trust me. I was the other woman for 15 years 2 years ago my "friend" ended up divorcing his wife and I came out quickly thereafter to another state leaving everything behind... we ended up moving back to CA but he insisted on living separately. Earlier this year he went back home for vacation came back and informed me that he was engaged to someone else after only being gone 2 weeks... Save yourself the heart break.

[whichwayisup]

Reading all your comments have made me realise i've been played. Not being able to speak to anyone about this situation has made me needy and desperate i admit. Pride i guess, not wanting to feel used. You're all right about my bf, wasn't fair on him, being a great guy he should be with someone that treats him better than i have recently. The older man i just txt saying don't contact me again unless you're coming to stay (was just temporary till we got a flat) but he's not looking for one anymore because he's "coming to stay with me" so that'll never happen.I don't expect a reply from him. Maybe there was a stronger love between us before but these months of him stringing me along has just ruined it. I've acted out by him not doing as he promised and he's probably had second thoughts because i've acted out, vicious circle that ends tonight. I'll keep you'll informed. I appreciate everyone posting and helping me. Sometimes you just really need to know some harsh truths. Live and learn. I won't be doing this ever again that's for sure. Thank you all

 

Sadly, this is why so many advise against having an affair. An OW/OM SHOULD feel used. You aren't his number one priority so when you get involved with someone who is married you need to have very low expectations and know that you aren't first on his list. Sorry to be harsh, but you also need to realize that feelings felt during an affair are intense and based on lust/sexual attraction, in the heat of the moment sharing. Not a real relationship where you're involved in so many aspects of his life..You're hidden and a secret, the sneaking around etc is why affairs are addictive and MANY people get hurt - Of all sides of the triangle.

 

Just walk away. His wife has invested many years with him, has a family with him, they have a history, family entwined..He's a complete selfish idiot for risking it all by having an affair.. And that is why he won't leave. What he shared with you isn't the same as what he shares with his wife. You only got a tiny portion of him, she gets/got most of him.

 

Sorry you're hurting and I hope you are able to end it and focus on grieving and healing. Talk to your family and friends to help you through this.

[BetrayedH]

For what it's worth, my apologies for the golf comment. I've become a bit of a cynic.

 

This guy was probably just enjoying the attention of a much younger woman. Perhaps he wasn't predatory but the reality is that he'll go or stay where he really wants to be. Fairly unlikely that he'll leave his life behind. He likely wanted his life AND something on the side. That's what he figured (hoped) you understood. When you start wanting more (fairly predictable in the feminine side of things), it scared the crap out of him. I doubt he meant to play you but was really hoping you'd just enjoy bring that exciting thing on the side and have no issues. There aren't many that can and it appears you weren't one of them. That's a good thing. You at least did right forcing his hand and not accepting less than you are worth.

 

Sounds like the BF thing needed to end so I agree with the other poster that said your life is not ruined. You learned a tough lesson. But some OW get dragged along for years, destroy their marriages and families, lose everything and they get the same lesson as you.

 

Go off and date. Look for a healthy relationship. Take your time. When/if your old BF returns, tell him the truth and apologize. If you're both still single, who knows. We're more forgiving than you might think.