roseforme Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Hi all. Im new here and this is my first post. I dont know what all the acronyms mean, so please bare with me. I have had nobody to talk to about this and just looked up infidelity forums last night, bc I feel like Im going to lose my mind if I cant get this out. Very disheartening to see how common this is. But, Im relieved I found this site. I read some stories and all the responses into the wee hours of the night and you all are very helpful with others, and compassionate with other people who have been betrayed. Let me start by saying I have been with my H for 10 years and married over 6. We have no children together. He has 2 young adult sons who lived with us for about 4 years. And this is both our 2nd marriages. We were both cheated on in our first marriage. Although, my xH never really admitted to it, I had enough evidence to know and I left him. It did not destroy my heart. There were many women with him, and I even found a letter he had written saying he was a womanizer in it. I was shocked, hands shaking, minor breakdown, hurt but, mostly angry. He kept lying to me and covering it up. I had spoken to his OW and had enough facts, and well..I was done with him at the point. I Got a divorce and moved on with my life. About 6 months later I met a wonderful man who completely opened up to me (something my xH never did) and I took it slow with him because I knew he could be Mr. right. I was aware I was falling for him and I wanted to make sure this one worked out right. A lot of good that did me. Though, I have always been totally in love with him, we have always had a 'rocky marriage'. Lots of disagreements and arguements covering so much ground, including how the boys were getting raised. I took them in to my heart and life and tried my best to steer them on the right track in life. It was really tough on me, bc my H would get angry with me most of the time when I was disciplining them. He would let me and the boys know, I was not the one in charge. And as he said it, "they were HIS blood!". I never got much respect from any one of them for those 4 years. Why would his kids respect me when their father didnt. I felt so bad for what those boys were having to go through, and had been through in their life. They had a rough upbringing in life having 2 parents with the disease of addiction and witnessing their mother cheat and the consequences that came with that. My H has been a drinker since I met him and he refuses to go to AA meetings or get any outside help. There was never any physical abuse, just verbal, and emotional. I still completely loved this man, and I was able to look deeper into him and see that he IS a good man, he also had a hard life. After, both of the boys (young adults) moved out, our marriage hit bottom...FAST. We stopped talking, the arguements got so much worse, and he began sleeping on the couch. This really bothered me. There was nothing I could do or say to get him back in our bed. It was like he hated me, but what did I do to make him feel this way? If we were intimate with each other, he would get up and head right back to the dang couch as soon as it was over. I got used to it, but I knew deep inside we were headed towards a divorce. We were able to talk at times, but it still wasnt right, like how it should be. The arguements calmed down and it got quieter in the house. This went on for months. And our rare intimacy came to an end. This was painful for me. I guess that was the one thing we had that 'bonded' us to each other. During these months that we were isolated from each other, he bought a cell phone and had it on him at all times where I could never get a hold of it. He even slept with it in his pocket. About midway into those months he had a moment where he wanted to get closer to me and repair the marriage. I took that opportunity to get his cell in my hands, he then calmly just took it out of my hands, went to the garage and slammed it on the ground into pieces. I asked him why he did that. He said cell phones are evil. I asked why he thought that and what he had to hide on there, and he said nothing. I looked at him and repeated the question. He said he had been looking up porn. Not buying it hunny. There was more to this and I knew it, but he wouldnt reveal anything to me. It was driving me crazy. I was unaware I could have gone online to access his phone and possibly text history until it was too late. Virgin mobile only keeps records for up to 60 days, and it has now been destroyed for over 2 months. I blew that opportunity. About 3 weeks ago, we were discussing some work issues he was having. He confided in me and told me he was now suffering from anxiety attacks. It made me feel hopeful in our marriage, he was in a vulnerable state and he was opening up to me. We had a 2 hour talk about what was going on with him at work and different things he could try to reduce his anxiety attacks. This was new and terrifying to him. Unfortunately, Im no stranger when it comes to anxiety attacks. I gave him the best advice I could think of. I got up to get a cup of coffee and as I was in the kitchen he told me "You know things arent OK with us?" The monotone he used with me when he said that hurt me deeply. My heart sank and my stomach churned. I couldnt turn around and let him see my face. I took a deep breath and asked him what he wanted to do about it. I went back in the room and tried to put on my 'poker face'. He told me his feelings for me had changed and he was no longer in love with me. It hurt like hell, but how could I be surprised? I let him talk and when he was done I asked him if he had been seeing someone else. He looked at me and put his head down. There went my heart. He started crying. I let him talk for a minute or 2 and I had to walk outside and get some fresh air. Wow. No words can explain how I felt. RIP my heart. I knew at the moment, it would never be the same again. He followed me outside and sat on the step next to me. I said very little. I was completely overwhelmed with pain and shock. He then told me he did love me and was willing to go to MC. -side note, its funny, I had suspected he was cheating, and just got through telling my friend in another state I would be DONE with him if he ever cheated. That would be the FINAL straw. Yeah right. Nothing can prepare you for that blow when it comes out of your spouses mouth. Now all I wanted was to save the marriage. This is the man that I love with every piece of me. - I asked if I knew her and he sighed, more freaking pain, how much pain can a heart endure? He said it was the woman who worked at the gas station near our old place. We lived there for over 2 years and moved away a year and a half ago. The one who sold him the alcohol every night. Sometimes, I would be with him when he went there, but he would always tell me to wait in the car. So much time would pass while he was in there and I was wondering what the hell??? I could see them laughing through the glass, but me and the boys always waited in the car. Never dreamed they would or did have something going on. Please understand, Im not trying to offend anyone, but she works at a gas station, how could she be a threat to me? Never saw this one coming...It hurts so much to just type this. Im reliving everything and I just wish I could turn back time!!! I would do things so differently. Also, while we were living there back then, on suspicion I went through his car and found extenxe pills hidden in his glove compartment. He had a reason for that too, I didnt buy it, but I swallowed it. I told him I didnt want to know details, but at some point I will want my questions answered. Its been 3 weeks now and Im still not ready to have my questions answered by him, which he wont tell me even if I was ready now. I still feel like throwing up and feel the sword through my heart whenever I think of it, which is sadly often. I know he is still lying to me and that is not helping. He told me it was a one time thing. And, its not like anything Im thinking. He said, I have to stop hurting myself and move on from this or we WILL get a divorce, bc he cant take it. Shows how considerate he is with MY feelings. First of all, Im not buying the one time event. I went into the bank statements and found he was paying for 2 lunches every Monday and Thursday. This ended on his bank statement as of last week, and it was on the other side of town...2 blocks from that particular gas station on the other side of town. I also went and looked at my CC transactions and found he put gas in two tanks in the same area last week. This was 2 days after he had gotten the test results from all the STD tests I made him take. I went to the dr. as well. This was BEYOND frightening for the both of us because we were intimate one time after he had been with her and I did have symptoms of an std. After we went to retrieve all the test results that had miracously come back clean he vowed to me again it was over and he would never put himself through that kind of scare again. The way he said it was he was just worried that he had contracted an STD and was not concerned about how this whole ordeal made ME feel. Second of all, what does he think Im thinking? That it was dinner, candle lights, and romantic love making? Please. It was a woman with low morals and low values. A woman without a good thought process and little to no self respect. There is a term for this kind of woman. Please forgive me if my words are scrambled, it goes with my brain at this time. I cant think clearly. My thoughts are bombarded with so many different thoughts constantly. Anyways, last week he told me he wanted to start working out again, and get a tan as well. He pulled out a bottle of tanning lotion he had hidden from me. He also told me that same day, he bought new stylish sunglasses and those were hidden from me as well. He changed his haircut as well. And he told me he really wants to start running again. It has been over 10 years since he ran. And, I will admit, he looks so incredibly sexy now, he has lost some of that small stomach he used to have...not that he needed much help in that department. He is a very good looking guy. And for obvious reasons, this is not settling well with me to say the least. Why all these physical changes suddenly? He is certainly going out of his way to look better. He also told me last night he needs to go buy new underwear. I told him he has several pairs of boxers, but he says he doesnt want to wear boxers due to the brown recluse spiders we have in the house. I want to believe him so much, but my gut and heart cant. I havent let him know where Im getting the little info I know. I told him I have a source and Im not revealing it until he tells me the TRUTh, which is what I need to begin the long healing process. He tells me all my info is wrong and that "whoever" is telling me when they meet is wrong and I dont know ANYTHING. However, last night, right before he fell asleep, he told me he is pulling his hair out all day at work trying to figure out who is telling me everything. He said it wouldnt be his employees bc they dont know what he is doing. Hmm? Why would he be pulling his hair out if the info was wrong. Bottom line, I love this man, and I want to heal and move on from this, which means I need him to tell me the truth. But how? Everytime I bring it up, he gets angry and yells at me. What can I do? And do you think its still going on? Im so lost and confused.
frozensprouts Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I'm so sorry you are going through this... what you write makes me wonder if the gas station woman came to her senses and broke things off with your husband which is why he came crawling back, Now he wants "something on the side" again ( or he has found it) and that's why he s interested in his appearance and underwear ( i have to admit I don't understand what spiders have to do with underwear choice...is he afraid they'll crawl up the legs if they are loose and bite him?)... counseling may be a good choice, but unless he is willing to be honest and open, it probably won't help much right now... Do you think that it's possible he never got over his ex wife cheating on him, or was he always like this? If I were you, ( and i know this sounds counter intuitive) I'd stop worrying about what he's doing and start focusing more on myself and what i need. If you feel bad about yourself, get some counseling to help with that, as well as to help you sort out what you want to do. Start living your life as if he isn't a factor in it. Be polite to him, but that's it. Talk to a lawyer and find out what all your options are...the more information you have right now the less out of control and lost you will feel. Just based upon what you have written, it sounds like he has some pretty serious issues ( addiction, being abusive, disrespectful, etc.)...until he recognizes this and wnats to make a change, things will probably stay just as they are... this is why you need to look out for yourself right now... I'm sorry I can't be more positive here, but it sounds like you need to be honest with yourself about him and his ability to love and tteat you with respect again, I'm so sorry you are going through this:(
NotCamelot Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I am so sorry to hear this story. I am 2 months and a few days after discovering my wife's affair. So I don't know how much help I can be. But have you contacted the OW (other woman) at all? I know that it was my first act after having proof. I don't know if we would still be together if I had not handled it that way from the start. Does she have husband that you kow of.....if so, contact him too. It sounds to me like he needs help with the alcohol at the same time and, without that, he may never chage at all. In the meantime, unlike the phone records, keep every bit of proof you have until you are certain where things are going, and them still keep it for a while. Counseling for him and also for you together is definitely needed if you both want to stay together.
GLDheart Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 You married the male version of my ex. You have there a huge list of the classic warning signs in your post. He seems very needy with zero boundaries. It's possible that deep down he is ashamed of himself and fills that void with the attention of anyone that will give it to him.
Author roseforme Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 frozensprouts, Thank you so much for responding! You have no idea how much I need this, or do you? With the information I gathered (paying for lunches x2 on Mondays and Thursdays and seeing how this didnt end until last week) I acted like I knew a whole lot more with him. He told me the day he confessed to me that she had moved out of town and he has had no more contact with her. And that is has been months since he seen her. So, seeing this didnt end until last week (according to the bank statements) I told him the other day,I know she didnt move out of town, and I know you saw her this week. He was really interested in knowing how I knew this, and of course Im not going to tell him its because YOUR leaving trails. He admitted he saw her 'in passing' at a store near his work. PLEASE. And then, he told me she went to his store and asked why she hasnt heard from him recently. Pay attention if you can to what he tells me, I know Im missing something (Well A LOT). Then she said, "Oh, I see you have your wedding ring back on". He said "Yup." Thats all he told me. He said that was it and she left. AH HA. According to him, she is the persuer. Funny, thats what my xH said about all his GF's. I asked him the first day I found out is she thinks she loves him, and he said, "yes, but its just infatuation." I asked him how he felt, and he told me he had no feelings for her, however, when I was yelling at him about it at another time, I asked him if he wanted to be in a relationship with her and he said "YES!, you drive me away from you! Why would I want to be with you!? She treats me good, and tells me Im a GOOD person, with a good job, and Im responsible. And you, do the opposite!" Im not going to say how I reacted to that, but, come on...! Wow. Yes, we have our good and bad moments, I think thats natural after the A. Damn, this is so hard on me to deal with! I cant get this out of my head, I keep seeing it play in my mind over and over and over. Some low life tramp with my husband. As for the spiders, he is afraid to get his pp bitten. He told me, he will wear the boxers when winter comes and he doesnt have to worry about it. And, yes, he took his xW's cheating pretty hard. He told me thats when he started drinking. I need counseling, I know this. Im a mess. Im going through so many emotions at once. I keep thinking He is such a sucker to have fallen for her crap, Im such an idiot, Im such a FOOL, intense feelings of love, anger, rage, betrayel, will this happen again, has it even stopped, is he getting smarter and now covering the few tracks he was leaving behind. Is the marriage I have put my heart and soul into doomed?
Author roseforme Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 NotCamelot, Thank you so much for responding. Your story is one of the ones I read last night. Im so sorry you are going through this as well. That is a big issue for me. I dont know exactly who she is or what she even looks like, how old she is, why she is persuing MY H, what the real story is, I have so many questions, I dont even know where to start. I dont know where she works now (for all I know he lied about that part too and she still works there), her name, anything. He wont tell me her name. Do you think If I were to find her name out, thats all I really need to find her, I should contact her? Im literally shaking as I type this.
Steen719 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Sorry for your pain. Too many, you're right, of us know this pain. In my opinion, your H is still on the hunt or has found someone, as FS said. The underwear story is ridiculous. You are trying to believe him, but that is the thing...you have to try to believe him, which means you are going against your instincts. Get a voice activated recorder and put it in his car. He is bound to be using the phone in his car and this is a way to find out what he is up to. You should be prepared as to what you might hear and try to get him to be honest with you before you do this, as you won't be able to go back to how you feel about him if you hear it. (I read mine, but you get my point) Once you hear it, there will no explaining it away and no excuse for his continuing dishonesty. If you bury your head in the sand, it will not go away. It just won't. You will be unhappy because you will know what he has done and that will eat at your soul. BTW, my XH also was upset about how I was finding out all of my information and threatened to do something to me (legally)if he found out I had done something to invade his privacy. Yeah, that was what he cared about. I said that to him; there he was asking me to stay, still lying, still talking every day to the OW and that was his concern. Good grief, really? I never told him how I got it and never will. Good luck. Keep strong to get through it. There is a lot of pain, but you need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how it plays out. You will get through it. Be true to yourself - remember that, no matter what.
Author roseforme Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 GLDheart, he has very little self esteem. He was given up for adoption as a baby, he was bullied by his adopted brothers and sisters. xW constantly cheated on him and "fell in love" with their neighbor and had sex with one of his adopted brothers. He has had it hard. He feels his boys have abandoned him now and want nothing to do with him. I wish he could see himself through my eyes sometimes to see how much there is to him that is worth loving! I agree, I think he feeds off compliments by anyone who tells him they believe in him - put in different words, those are mine. I still believe in him even after this. he does have some serious issues to say the least. I wonder many times, if he is possibly bi-polar as well. I dont care what he has, I love him regardless. I wish he knew this.
NotCamelot Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 NotCamelot, Thank you so much for responding. Your story is one of the ones I read last night. Im so sorry you are going through this as well. That is a big issue for me. I dont know exactly who she is or what she even looks like, how old she is, why she is persuing MY H, what the real story is, I have so many questions, I dont even know where to start. I dont know where she works now (for all I know he lied about that part too and she still works there), her name, anything. He wont tell me her name. Do you think If I were to find her name out, thats all I really need to find her, I should contact her? Im literally shaking as I type this. I can't say what all it may take to find her....but....I firmly believe you should. That is, IF you want to try to keep him and try to make things work. Of course, that only works if he wants the same. I know, for me, I HAD to contact the other man. Regardless of the results, I would never have forgiven myself if I did not fight for what I believe to be mine. And i did, and I won. I hope I made him feel horrible. If you keep digging, hopefully you will find out. I don't think any of us could make peace without some details....the most important being WHO has been screwing my wife/husband. Could you live not knowing?
Furious Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I am sorry you're going through this. The anger, sadness, tears, and frustration can make you feel like you're losing your balance. You sound very smart and it's good that you're holding your source of information close to your chest. You need answers and he's not giving them to you. He doesn't sound at all remorseful and that's because he isn't. I worry that he married you so he could have a mother figure for his sons. Now that they're older and out on their own he has no more use for you. He is an alcoholic and is taking some kind of pills, he has been cheating on you also...this in itself is alarming and no matter how much you love him, these addictions can only be addressed if he admitted to them and gets the help he needs to break them. I'm sorry but it sounds like it's more important for you to save the marriage than it is to save yourself. You must come first before the marriage.. You can't fix him and if he doesn't want to fix himself, you can't fix the marriage. Keep strong and take care of yourself. 1
Author roseforme Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 Steen, I feel like such an idiot because I could have EASILY seen who he was talking to, and the gotten the text history, but I didnt know it until it was too late. He destroyed his cell as soon as I got my hands on it. His story was he was embarrased bc he was looking up porn on it. For crying out loud, I at one point ordered the playboy channel for him, so no there would have been no shame for him if it was "porn". Omg, was she sending him pics, too?! Ugh. another freaking question in my mind now. But, no he has no cell phone now. As, for the voice activating recorder, I had one before, (bought years ago for that SAME reason) he found it a while later and his adopted sister "borrowed" it from me years ago so she could plant it in her office...still waiting to get it back...lol. And bc of his mess he created, we have NO money to buy another one. He maxed out every single one of my credit cards, too. So no way to buy another one.
Author roseforme Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 Wow, Im truly overwhelmed with responses here. I was thinking as I typed the original post (which took almost 4 hours to type, bc I had to keep walking away due to intense emotions) that it was going to be too long for anyone to read and whoever read it would get bored with it 2 paragraphs into it. And just skip to the bottom...lol. Thank you guys sooooo much! Im a bit overwhelmed now with the pain part. Need to step back for a little while...Ill be back.
Author roseforme Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 Oh, can someone tell me how you quote another poster? I tried that, but, it only quoted one of my posts.
Furious Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Oh, can someone tell me how you quote another poster? I tried that, but, it only quoted one of my posts. There's a quote tab at the bottom of each post, look for it.
GLDheart Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Rose, Your husband needs to face his deeply ingrained insecurities in order to become a healthier person. Until then he will pass his hurt onto you. YOU will become damaged as well.... If you have any self preservation, step back so that he can step up and make the choice to get help.
frozensprouts Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 OP, yes, there are lots of us who understand how you feel as we have bee there our selves...kind of like the club many are in but no one wants to belong to. It sounds very much like you feel like everything is spinning out of control...i really remember that feeling... something you my want to consider is trying to get some control of your life bk by figuring out what you need in your marriage and what you feel needs to happen for these needs to be met. It sounds like a big one would be that your husband attend counseling...on his own and with you. Once you have your thoughts a bit more ordered, sit down with your husband and have a real heart to heart about this...listen to him, but also make sure you are heard too. If he is unwilling to do whatever it is that you need, or if he doesn't understand what he's done, or if he tries to put it all on you, then you should really think about what that tells you... you may really love him, and he, in his ow way, my love you. He may have a lot of wonderful things about him, but the bad seems to outweigh the good right now. Even though you two may love each other, there are times when love isn't enough...things like commitment, respect, kindness, loyalty, etc. are all also important, and right now, he's not capable of giving those to you.
Author roseforme Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 One of my problems is getting my thoughts in order now. They are all over the place. And, right now, I know he is still in "lie and cover up his mess" mode. Like, I said he told me it was a one time thing, and to put it in his words.."It was like a bad one night stand." (he did tell me she wasnt "fresh" to put it nicely) He told me, "it wasnt like what your thinking". Thats not the point. The point is you betrayed me. You started another relationship behind my back and confided in or manipulated this "woman" to confort you and make you feel better. I dont care how good or how bad the sex was for you. You made the decision to go elsewhere to get your needs filled. I could have done that and MORE! And the extent of the damage he did with me, he will never know. But, when I tell him I know there this is much more to this, and I know it wasnt just a one time thing, he gets quiet. When will he tell me the truth? How do I get it out of him? I have told him, Im not going to stop loving you after you tell me. I already know this was deeper but, I need you to tell me. I need to know the truth. I cant keep having all theses unanswered questions constantly running through my mind. And then, we can strengthen our marriage..Ill understand him so much more. Its the emotional part that hurts me the most. What was/is SHE thinking? That she is special, better than me? I guess it makes the ow think she has "power" and has something so much more special with him than the wife will ever have. A side to him Ill never see. Which makes me almost laugh tbh, bc I know him and his little tricks and manipulations to get what he wants. But, maybe he needed more than I could give him. Maybe, it was the part, that there was no pressure with her. She will gladly listen and show care and concern and take care of his other needs with no strings attached. When I rewind the mental clock, he spent 10 minutes almost everytime he went in the gas station talking to her. And all I saw was the same thing everytime...them laughing. How could I have been so BLIND. The teeny tiny thought was there, but I was thinking no freaking way would he betray me with HER. Last laugh is on me. We have both agreed to counseling, but like someone mentioned, its not going to work if he cant get honest with me AND himself. But, we will regardless. right now, Im just trying to get the truth from him without putting pressure on him. So far, Ive gotten nothing...but, I will admit, I keep telling him Im not ready to hear yet, but I will be soon. Any advice on how I can get the truth from him?
Furious Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Rose I totally understand the frantic emotions you are going through. The mind movies of him being with that woman...and the lies...and the utter betrayal you feel. So many unanswered questions and you want answers. But...Rose you've pretty much told him that you still love him, that you want to save your marriage..YOU HAVE OFFERED HIM CHEAP FORGIVENESS ON A SILVER PLATTER. He won't tell you the truth...he is secure that even with what you do know you're still there and you are willing to be his doormat. He has suffered zero consequences and I promise he will lie in Marriage Counseling and probably not want to do more than a couple of sessions and then tell you that it's a waste of time. You need Individual Counseling...for you...you need to take care of yourself...you need to see this man for what he really is and you have to understand that you can love him more than anyone but that won't fix him, no one can fix him unless he wants to do that for himself. You must look after yourself, because his only concern is himself.
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