Trying to go NC

[QQsus]

Hello everyone, Im new here and got to tell my story here.

 

Last month my gf told she has got love or crushed shes workmate. It got done by 6 month period from january to june and she didnt tell me anything about whats going on until month ago. They share their work travel together which is almost 1 hour per direction, so they got personal time much and also see at work.

 

Then she told also to me that she doesnt love me anymore and want break up. That hurts much, bc we have been together 11 years and almost lived up together that time. We started with half year seeing each other and then moved to another town to same apartment. She is almost 30 and im little bit older, we dont have any children. This makes me also wonder if she started to think those, cause im not sure do I ever want and 30 is also maybe age when start thinking it.

 

I know that im not perfect person and its my fault 90-99% that situation got this point. Like getting drunk too many times and worked overtime so much, didn't respect her much. Of course I tried but not enough reasons I list. The drunk problem I got when I started new work 3 years ago. The job is very hard and the ppl around also, I was little bit soft guy, but my ex told that I got very hard in last 2-3 yrs. So its work related.

 

But anyway, I feel that I did not deserve to not being told for 6 months that she had feelings to other man, it gets me angry, I trusted her. Any way, I could live with that and told her that we can get help. I got help for my A problem and its now treated, also get some mental help. Wanted to get help to our situation, but she wanted to break up and not give any more change to our relation ship. I know in my deep that she loves me still and I love her much and miss her, even when she told not love any more, cant believe it.

 

I wrote her some letters too in this 4 weeks period where I told her my deepest feelings, also wrote this week too, but now decided that I wont give her any letters any more (i did told him on phone that I have wrote and here is letter but now I feel i dont give it, not sure to do when told first?). Last time we talk in phone was 2 days ago where we both admit that we miss each others. She was told me that she comes today here, but bailed from it this morning with txt. I didnt know should I answer this kind of msg in NC, but did it any way and typed just "Ok". She was seeing friend of her who comes from long distance and thats why bailed out. Cant of course be sure but I think its not my business any more what she do, what I try to think.

 

Also she told that the workmate thing is just crush and probably it go away. I understand that in long relationship sometimes it just crush little to someone, no big deal, if you dont make it big? And this is what I can forgive.

 

So thats the long/short story, heres some timeline cause that was kind of mess:

 

last month ending I was told, then I was right after weekend alone, got drunk at friday and monday got help, not drinking after that.

 

Then seeing each other and talked much and we had also some great time walking and seeing movie. I was trying to be as friendly as I can.

 

Then I go to see my family few hundred kilometers away for few days, got back home. She went too and we didnt see much. Last week we saw little and talked, cant remember exactly how much, im so messed mentally.

 

We both got own apartment pretty quick, she got it first and start packing stuff, I got just next month and have to stay our old alone, which is like torturing. Glad that we both have finance situation great and this was not problem, I have had some trouble with that in past. This is also another story which I could tell, maybe she saw finally change to get off when seeing that I can also move on? She moved her last stuff last weekend,

 

but we have some stuff to do together still, like cleaning our old home. Also we had dog together, which I like, but Im not person who can take care of animals. Its on paper our dog, but I think its hers. She asked that would I like to see it, but now I think its better not. Also I was suggested by teraupist that we counsel with him together and she agreed to come this month end. Its 1 time where we discuss this and not agreed more than this time.

 

And now the situation is that I want to go NC line. I now understand that I cannot do anything to get her back and anything I do just drives her away more, this is why I dont want to give any more letters also, even that what I wrote and told her that here is letter I wrote. Of course if she ask it, I must tell why I dont give it and ask if its ok. Lets time heal this and I wont turn her back if she ever contacts me again. Problem is that we have some stuff still to do, like cleaning this old apartment where we lived 7 years. I assume that its ok to be nice as possible when she comes, but not told anything negative or start talk about feelings like missing or similar? And try to not settle any appointments more?

 

This was little bit messy, but hope you get some sort of vision of this. Ask if any thing comes a mind. This is also tough time, cause I have moved around few times big leaps and true friends are leaved to old area. And when we started to be together, we had no time for friends much and so now Im almost alone thinked this. I started to move little bit so im not home all the time, but almost still 24/7. This hole situation started just when we both needed to start vacation. No thats over, but I needed to get off work for mental reasons, and its like 3 weeks now.

[penguin23]

Hey QQsus-welcome to the forum! It sounds like you've got some things pretty well sorted out. No contact is definitely the way to go. Maybe you could do those last things (like clean the apartment) apart? And yes, definitely don't cry or beg; just be polite and that's it. And I'm not really sure what seeing her in therapy is going to help-but your therapist knows you way better so maybe it will.

 

That's great your getting help for yourself-especially with the drinking. All of this is a process so just give yourself time.

 

Good luck with all of this! Sounds like you're already on your way to feeling better.

[QQsus]

thanks.

 

Yes, I think I did everything I could (and maybe more and pushing her away more), told her that moving apart is good decision and get space think about us. Also wrote some letters, where I told options and I want to change back what I was. Get help to my problems and getting help now. Also told we can get outside help too and if she never wants get back, I force us to go there (we had similar situation 2 years ago thou never get help), not getting back to same. So basically she knows that Im ready to try again with help this time, so now on I think its good to go strong NC mode and if the contact never come, move on for real.

 

If she contacts for any other reason than speaking us, need to ask her then are she just getting comfort that she miss me.

 

Very frustating and helpless situation for me, nothing I can do, just wait and start healing. Just we need to get some little things to do together and I try to be friendly (we havent made any arguments after bu and talked nicely to each others after that day. She even told that Im the person again, so nice and polite. What other I can do, I love her so much and tought she was woman who I like to share my whole life) but also now I must stop hugging her, because that we or I had made when seeing her. First it was just me hugging, asked first. She was very cold, now last week she also started little bit getting closer and hug me. That made me think that maybe this is not totally over and she has also deep feelings for me, she just has said that he doesnt have energy any more to this.

 

I will update if something change.

[QQsus]

Hi, its friday evening. Just woke up, I only can sleep when really tired and so my sleep order is messed up.

 

OMG how much its hurts right now. Just even if I could hear your voice on phone, ask how your day gone, are you still missing me, what to do on sunday when you get here, and what time you are here. Have you thing about us? Last time (tuesday) you said you had same feelings still, wanting to bu. Jesus this makes me insane.

 

So much pain inside me. Where this feeling coming and how to stop it? I must say 10 times, im not calling you. Live happily my love, I need that too, cant sure how it goes without you. I CRY. I miss you so much.

 

Not sure any more is even the sunday ok to me, she promised to clean windows here, but also we have agreed to clean this apartment througly on when I move out. Suggestion to how to deal sunday? I know we maybe go walking and talking but I dont know does it any help any more, I know we would enjoy it and like each other company. Cant wait to see, but also fear that I can may say or ask something stupid. Im not sure the deal she made with her workmate. Does she start seeing him or not, etc. She told that they agreed to be friends only, but that was only 4 days after she left me.

 

Does it help if I know? (no?) Do I need to know? (no?) Do I need to just NC and forget it, just wait? (YES?) Questioning this all the time, I know answers but cant act like that. Too much feelings. Its not on my hands any more. I think every day also that she didnt have courage to tell me straight that whats going on. That broke my heart so badly.

[QQsus]

Broke NC, cant do it, love too much and want her back. Need to wait until I have moved away from our old apartment and do together the cleaning stuff and other stuff in two weeks. Why anyway do the NC if wanting her back? I give space of course and now she get it when we live separate. If she ever calls, I answer. What do I tell her that she contact and dont start playing NC games with me? If its go like we never coming back together, of course then I will go total NC, too much memories together. I miss her and blaim myself every day that Im a jerk and idiot, and ruining good things. I learned the lesson and it wasnt easy.

[steelgator]

**** her dude...she was with you 11 years and wants to leave because of a crush...she's an idiot. GO NO CONTACT FOR YOUR PERSONAL BENEFIT AND MAKE HER FEEL LIKE YOU DO NOW. TURN THE SCALES OF POWER. DO NOT RESPOND TO ANY TEXTS AND DO NOT ANSWER ANY CALLS FOR A WHILE.

[QQsus]

Thanks for reply. I will do that instantly when we have settled the stuff that need to be done. Its like end of the month when I really try to do NC stuff and trying to start move on with my life. I all ready done so much past 3 weeks and started to change myself so I could find myself again. And its not wanting to change for her, I want it for myself. This actually maybe saved my life, but cant thank this yet.

 

Its just make me sad when we had such a wonderful relationship and she turned it away so easily. I remember when she had depression and hard time etc. but I didnt turn her away then. I hope she learn from this, I told her yesterday when we was together that we should really talk deeply this through that either of us dont bring these same mistakes to next relationship. She didnt get this complete what I tried to tell her. It was terrible mistake not to tell feelings half year ago. I know now that she tried, but I got angry when she tried tell (didnt know this when I got angry). I told her yesterday that she should tell it anyway some way! Write maybe?

 

Its just that I talk same and same things all over again and she is so frustated of this. I know that I cant tell anything that will get her back, only I can make things worst, but I do not care that any more bc I have had feelings all ready that we never come back again, that is some sort mixed feeling! Funny.

 

We have seeing my teraupist together at end of month too. I dont know yet does she bail out of this. She had tought that this is for we getting back. I little bit smiled to this. I told that its just to try to talk reasons for our bu and absolutely not for to talk us together again, I want deeper counseling if we ever considering getting back. There is so much things that I cant accept right now between us, I have little bit opened my eyes and Im afraid when its fully open what my feelings then are!