LonelyInsomniac Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Hey guys. A little back-story: I've been both in long distance and geographically close relationships before. The latter, due to some body dysmorphia, have always happened too quickly for me. I've had some decent long distance relationships that haven't worked out for one reason or another. Met this girl through an online hobby. I've known her for three months, and we were courting for about two months. We've been officially 'together' for two weeks. We've talked, briefly or otherwise, every day since we've met each other... until the last three days. We'd had a great webcam conversation, and in my experience this girl has always been, to the best of my knowledge, honest. Even when it's inconvenient for her. It's one part of many of which makes her so attractive to me. Thing is, I haven't heard from her now for three days since. She's been online: I've seen her participating in her hobbies online. For hours at a time, at that. But she's never on her messenger. It's also really difficult for me to be online at the same times she wants to talk. I know she has a life - I do too. I work a frequently switching shift, both evenings and mornings. But the only time she feels she can get privacy for romance-time (she's college age, lives with her family) is at 3am, when everyone's gone to bed. I've been shortchanging myself a lot of sleep, since that's also during the only guaranteed gap of time I won't be called in to work... and that's been all for naught for the past three days. I send her a message to say goodnight to her each night, and have continued to do that... but I'm getting concerned. I feel ignored and more than a little bit wary, especially considering the last time I'd talked to her, she'd said we'd probably talk the next day. When we do talk, it's wonderful. But this early on in the relationship, I'm wondering if she's started having second thoughts. The old pattern was work all day, then come home... wait. Wait. Wait. And then have an elating conversation with her when she finally came around. Any theories on the sudden... I don't know, lack of interest from someone who seemed smitten with me? Is my concern irrational? How long should I give it?
cerridwen Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Whether it's a LDR or a relationship closer to home, there's always a risk of a person losing interest. So, your concern is not irrational. But, it's not uncommon to need space, either. I'll sometimes "go underground" for a day; which isn't a reflection on my partner but how I handle overwhelming stress in other parts of my life. Please talk to her openly and honestly about this drop in contact. It's really your best chance of getting an honest answer. One last thing... Finding a suitable compromise regarding contact is going to be a must. What you're enduring now isn't sustainable or healthy, so try broaching the subject and brainstorming solutions. Sleep's important! But so is contact. Good luck. 4
justwhoiam Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 body dysmorphia That is to say? Thing is, I haven't heard from her now for three days since. She's been online: I've seen her participating in her hobbies online. For hours at a time, at that. But she's never on her messenger. You are officially together and you don't have a number to call her? All through messenger? What kind of boyfriend are you if you don't hear from her and you don't even call her? It's also really difficult for me to be online at the same times she wants to talk. Did you tell her it's difficult for you and discontinued that? If so, she probably gave up. I send her a message to say goodnight to her each night, and have continued to do that... Honestly, I'm putting myself in her shoes and if I didn't hear from you all day and then I received a goodnight message/text, I would be very annoyed. I would take it as if you can go with it and that's enough for you. 1
Author LonelyInsomniac Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 (edited) Whether it's a LDR or a relationship closer to home, there's always a risk of a person losing interest. So, your concern is not irrational. But, it's not uncommon to need space, either. I'll sometimes "go underground" for a day; which isn't a reflection on my partner but how I handle overwhelming stress in other parts of my life. Please talk to her openly and honestly about this drop in contact. It's really your best chance of getting an honest answer. One last thing... Finding a suitable compromise regarding contact is going to be a must. What you're enduring now isn't sustainable or healthy, so try broaching the subject and brainstorming solutions. Sleep's important! But so is contact. Good luck. Thank you, cerridwen. Your advice is spot on, and it helps me to hear a rational voice confirming what needs to be done. That is to say? You are officially together and you don't have a number to call her? All through messenger? What kind of boyfriend are you if you don't hear from her and you don't even call her? She doesn't have a phone, though she said she's planning on getting on one soon. If you actually did more than skim for What The Guy Did Wrong, you'd have read that we'd had conversations every day before this. Did you tell her it's difficult for you and discontinued that? If so, she probably gave up. ... Wow. I told her it was difficult for her, and kept bending backwards. I'm going to say the bending over backwards part was the mistake, thanks. Honestly, I'm putting myself in her shoes and if I didn't hear from you all day and then I received a goodnight message/text, I would be very annoyed. I would take it as if you can go with it and that's enough for you. I sent her blurbs and things to make her laugh like I always do, because that's all that's in our power at the moment. She's out of work and her family phone's for emergencies only. And before you claim I should have gotten her emergency number, it's a friend and I'm not a control freak. Edited July 20, 2012 by LonelyInsomniac
cerridwen Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 (edited) Hi Lonely, Have you heard from her? If not, think about contacting her Friday and hashing things out. No need to work on her timetable alone. In the interest of your wellbeing, the sooner you make contact the better. Edited July 20, 2012 by cerridwen
Author LonelyInsomniac Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 Hi Lonely, Have you heard from her? If not, think about contacting her Friday and hashing things out. No need to work on her timetable alone. In the interest of your wellbeing, the sooner you make contact the better. Hey Cerridwen, Thanks for checking in. It's resolved - in her words, she's "too immature"/doesn't know what she wants. She's just starting college, so I guess it's no real big surprise.' At least it was only formally two weeks.
justwhoiam Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 She doesn't have a phone, though she said she's planning on getting on one soon. What about getting one for her? You can even find a cheap one for like $40? 30€? Maybe even less than that if you get a good deal. If you actually did more than skim for What The Guy Did Wrong I'm a woman. Sorry if I sound biased, but I see that men don't get things at times. We just have different logics that sound illogical to men, even though most of what a woman thinks is logical, trust me. Unless she's a psycho or she lost interest in you (and the latter could be a logical consequence to her anyway). But when it comes to such matters (breaking up with a guy), in general women are more verbal than men: the latter keep postponing, or disappear, etc. ... Wow. I told her it was difficult for her, and kept bending backwards. I'm going to say the bending over backwards part was the mistake, thanks. What was difficult for her? Were you blaming her about something? How did you bend backwards? I sent her blurbs and things to make her laugh like I always do, because that's all that's in our power at the moment. Really? This attitude won't really help you I guess. Use your fantasy, I am sure there are lots of things you can do for her. Make a list for your yourself, and add as many things as possible. Men are easy to say "I'd do anything for you", but when it comes to facts, few can prove it. That gap's like a boomerang that soon or later will come back to you. She's out of work and her family phone's for emergencies only. And before you claim I should have gotten her emergency number, it's a friend and I'm not a control freak. The truth? I guess there's a lot of hypocrisy in these kinds of relationships. Some people are not treating the other as a real gf or bf. So, think for a moment something happened to you, and you can't access a laptop/PC anytime soon. How would you let her know? Try to think if you were rushed to the hospital or something, wouldn't that be an emergency? Still, you don't even know her home number. I have never heard anything like that. I know it's just two weeks, but you need to be more proactive. I'm not saying you have to call her home number, but you have it just in case. Also, she stays at home, she has no job. You are as busy as you can be. I'm not sure if you're in the same time zone or not. Anyway, she goes all day without hearing from you, right? Do you really expect that a goodnight line will make her happy? Being around will. Somehow (as you can't be with her physically). Do things that show her you care, without overdoing. Women notice these things. Signs. From you. If she is not in love with you, now that's a different thing. I guess you should be able to tell, thanks to the things she says or do and how. Just my two cents.
justwhoiam Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Yeah. Probably she's too young. But all the advice is still valid
cerridwen Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Hey Cerridwen, Thanks for checking in. It's resolved - in her words, she's "too immature"/doesn't know what she wants. She's just starting college, so I guess it's no real big surprise.' At least it was only formally two weeks. Mm. On one hand, "boooo!" On the other hand, "whewww!" You can cut your losses, heal, be a bit glad it was only 2 weeks, and put yourself back out there for some lucky girl to discover. I wish you well, Lonely and I hope you're not hurting too much.
Author LonelyInsomniac Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 Mm. On one hand, "boooo!" On the other hand, "whewww!" You can cut your losses, heal, be a bit glad it was only 2 weeks, and put yourself back out there for some lucky girl to discover. I wish you well, Lonely and I hope you're not hurting too much. Thanks for the support. I've gotten a three-day head start on getting used to life without her, so I suppose there's some good to it.
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