When is time to throw-in the towel?

[stse586]

I am not the thinnest person out there, and I found a wonderful husband. I just hope our kids get his metabolism.

 

What worked for me was after I got out of a long relationship, I decided I wan't going to date for a while. I decided to exercise for myself. Yes it was to lose weight and look better, but I wanted it for me versus getting a boyfriend.

 

I was kind of in the same boat at the time since I was in school, working, and had hobbies. The only thing was I was around the exact same people all the time. With deciding I wasn't going to date, I had no pressure to do things in a certain amount of time. I went out with friends, hung out with family, and had a good time.

 

When I decided to date again, I tried Plenty of Fish. Since I didn't really know what I wanted in a man at the time, I met A LOT of people. I probably met 30+ people over a couple of years. This really helped me find what I liked and what I was attracted to. This made me realize most people were not a good match.

 

Between feeling good about myself from losing weight (and I still wasn't even close to thin but I felt better about me) and truely finding what I liked, I found a lot of confidence. It was then that I found my husband, and I've never been happier.

 

Don't give up on finding someone.

[skyisfalling]

i have a story. Its about my friend Christine who was in a slightly similar situation as you spooky. My friend Christine (who I met in grad school) was 41 years old, never been married, and she was mexican. She's had boyfriends in the past but her last relationship was when she was 30, so that was over 11 years ago. With school and church and volunteering in between 11 years had gone by before she realized her life was passing her by. She figured she'd meet someone along the way and it never happened. So Christine decided to join a gym and lose weight. I'm not exactly sure how much she weighed but she was 5'3 and a good 300 pounds more or less. Her doctor had told her that she needed to be healthy as she was borderline diabetic and that her blood pressure was rising and the doctor wanted Christine to lose 100 pounds. This is when I met her. I met Christine in the midst of her going to the gym and really working her body out not for the sake of the date but for health. She was able to lose 50 pounds and still no prospects. There was a man who was interested in her but according to her, he was a teletubby and she just couldn't find herself being attracted to his personality.

 

Christine was contemplating on doing lap band surgery or gastric bypass but was very hesitant to do so. And as a last resort, her friends pushed her to join weight watchers. 6 weeks into weight watchers, she met a group leader, TIM who himself was morbidly obese and was able to lose an enormous amount of weight through diet and exercise. Christine and this weight watcher group leader bonded over the next few sessions and they started dating!!

 

I attended the wedding of Christine and Tim last year. Christine got married when she was 45 years old. Christine unfortunately is still big and Tim ballooned up as well, but they were happy and most importantly, they had found love in each other.

 

I'm not quite sure what to make of this story as it really has no climax, but i just wanted to let you know spooky, that there are many women in your situation. Christine, one of my friends had exactly the same types of thoughts you were thinking, and she was about ready to give up. Actually, she did give up. She went to weight watchers as a last resort before she getting the procedure done for the lap band surgery. I guess the moral of the story is, keep living your life and you never know where you'll meet the one. If you want to lose weight, lose weight for yourself. But dont have the mentality of "throwing in the towel.." because I guarantee you, there is someone out there who will think your beautiful, all of you and love you more for it.

[Ross MwcFan]

I don't know why women always bring this up - 99% of men do not care about your hobbies or your academic "achievements" because all they care about is looks, looks, and oh did I mention looks.

 

And yes, with the men of today the best thing is to throw in the towel.

 

Wanna go on a date?

[fishtaco]

If you want something in life, there are two ways to get it:

1) Blind luck

2) Work for it

 

Unless you get lucky, you won't get anything worth getting if you don't put in the work.

 

Also, life is unfair. There are people much less deserving of what they get, but they're getting it. So if you're not getting it, you are not one of those people. You can cry unfair all day, it's not going to change anything.

 

My recommendation, is to improve yourself. And being dating is all about sales and marketing, you have to improve your packaging. Now relationships are different, it is true that superficial qualities become less important in a relationship. But before you get into a relationship, you have to survive the gauntlet that is dating.

 

Like it or not, we are all judged based on our appearance and other superficial qualities everyday, even when in non-dating scenarios. One of my good female friends sounds like a little girl. Her professional contacts that have only spoken to her on the phone often don't take her seriously, because she sounds like a little girl. Is it wrong? Yes, because she happens to be a very professional and capable woman. But it's what happens. This is the world we live in, deal with it. I do. Everyday.

 

So my recommendation, is to lose weight. To me that seems like you'll get the most bang for your buck. Once you've reached "average", then you can take a step back and see what other areas you need to work on. Remember, you just need to get to average. You can try to excel and look like a bikini model if you want, but then it will no longer be the most bang for the buck as far as the effort you put in vs the benefits you get out of it.

 

Alternately, you can gain weight. Once you get to 400lbs or so, the FA guys will come out of the wood works and chase you. Mission accomplished, you've found a target audience for your packaging. But I don't recommend that because it damages your health.

 

Whatever you decide, know this... if you're not willing to put in the effort, barring blind luck, you're not going to get anything worth getting.

 

You are a professional and intelligent woman. You are actually well equipped to improve your packaging. You can research and understand the pros, cons and potential health risks of whatever path you choose. You can afford professional help. Take advantage of that. I'm a man, I'm older than you are, and as I man I enjoy less benefits from improved physical appearance than women, and yet I've put in more effort into improving my body than you have. If I can do it, so can you. If you don't want to be bothered with it, then this is obviously not important enough to you. Action is what counts.

[Negative Nancy]

Wanna go on a date?

 

No thanks, I've already found the most interesting man in the world and no one can ever shred more than him.

Edited July 20, 2012 by Negative Nancy

[spooky48]

I don't know....

 

If you've tried a lot of dating sites, events, sports, clubs, bars, the shore, etc...etc....

 

Don't you all think this is a HUGE sign? Maybe it's just not meant to happen?

 

Granted, I've accepted it, I'm cool about it & I am not complaining, whining or bitching about it.

 

However, I just don't want to feel like I've missed opportunities because I don't think I'll ever be loved & fu$%*d. Do you know what I'm saying?

 

Sometimes too, when you look around at people, you wonder how they're loved b/c of how they are so miserable, treat people horribly & just are ignorant whereas, you try to do the "right thing" by being honest, kind & genuine....It's very, very weird.

 

Has anyone here thrown-in the towel for love, just sworn it off & given up? I'd like to know what are the steps you've taken since, I'm considering doing so. Sure, I'll still have my active life but, I just don't know what to do about my profiles etc & when family, colleagues & friends all ask what's the deal in why I'm unmarried, childless & unloved/not-dating? What are the steps I should take?

 

Thanks.

[amantis]

" I am on a diet plan but, it's obviously not happening."

 

You think that only a diet plan is enough ?

When i got divorced i went to the gym , with a diet , i only did cardio and i lost 12 kilos in 1 month .

It doesnt happen with everyone i know but still i did it , it was HARD but thats something i needed .

 

I didnt starve , but losing weight was my only concern , not wasting time on dating sites and coming here asking if its normal not having sex by the age of 30 :S

 

Dont try blaming that you are ugly and all that bs , sorry , people are overweight because they want to be overweight .

 

Im a contemporary dancer and i saw so many people complaining about weight and doing nothing to change , going on stupid diets and not doing any exercise !!

 

Join a gym , go on a good diet , and see your weight going down

Edited July 22, 2012 by amantis

[Eternal Sunshine]

I also think that weight loss is actually a simple calories in/calories out deal. You can do this by eating less or increasing cardio, preferably both. I never follow specific diet plans, just start to make a calorie deficit.

 

It's certainly not easy. Often times, you feel hungry or crave sweets or whatever. You need to have strong will power and keep going with it for prolonged period of time.

[It's Just Me]

My opinion? Throw in the towel, stop thinking about what you're missing, and focus on you and some self-care. What is self-care? I asked my therapist about this when he suggested it, because I had NO idea.

 

His answer: What would you do or say to help your best friend who's going through a rough time with (in my case, a bad breakup) or in your case, self-doubt.

 

Once you get on with being your own best friend, and steering 'her' in the right direction, positive things may happen.

 

They did for me. Take care of you. Now.

[todreaminblue]

Hi there,

Basically speaking.....

 

If you're older in your 30's, never married, no sex in YEARS, no kids & overweight (yet, you've really tried to lose the weight), how do you know it's time to throw-in the towel in regards to love & dating?

 

This is me...

I'm a SWF, straight, never married, no kids, in my late 30's, overweight: 259lbs at 5'4" and I have not been touched, kissed, hugged, loved, cared-about or even thought about sexually speaking in YEARS now.

 

I am on several sites....nothing.

 

All I am asking is after all the time, money, energy everything spent....should I throw-in the towel? No sex too, is a problem...let alone no love, etc. Think about it...Pathetic

 

However, I work FT, have 3 college degrees, several hobbies.

 

Thanks for replying.

 

43 five kids heading to empty nest.....medicated.......damaged goods ....only dates in friend zone......beds made every morning with hospital corners ......books dvds cds in alphabetical order....ocd about fitness..ok everything...a menagerie of pets including a three legged turtle prone to stacking things according to size and shape.....still suffering pms mood swings.....kick boxes to relax.......loyal to the end as a friend..pets contain the hugest rottie puppy..she is wayyy too short.... her boobs are too big and she wants them smaller less car honks when she runs it scares the rottie..the rottie is meant to be scary looking.. her too hard basket is large enough to fit her small elephant of baggage....talks about herself oops myself in the third person....if i can pull a date even though i dont take it up.....there is hope for everyone for a very long time never feel pathetic this chick i know is hoooopeless...that would be me.............I could if i wanted to accept dates from men who offer.....i cant commit read why above......i am not ready to date at all.....maybe when i am 60....everyone else have hope.....good luck and pass me the towel when you feel better after what i wrote.....deb

Edited July 22, 2012 by todreaminblue

[irc333]

Wanna go on a date?

 

True statement, there's this woman in my area, been on the site FOREVER....late 40's, pretty fit for a woman of approaching 50.

 

I have to say, she really carries on and on ni her profile about how "Physical appearance are so important" to her.

 

She even said, "Yes, we may have the same hobbies, beliefs, and interests in common, but if there' NO physical attraction...sorry, it's not going to happen, and I don't want to waste time."

 

I've been seeing a lot of women lately, mostly the chronically single ones, get frustrated on how just, some how...that the KIND of physically attractive men that email them , are NOT what she wants.

 

Be it height, bulging biceps, etc. They'll grow old and die before considering some kind of wiggle room.

[spooky48]

I went & spoke to a life coach this past weekend. I am not paying though, which is good b/c I wouldn't have paid for such services being in the field I'm in I could've found this for free, as I did.

 

I have made an "action plan" where I am working on some personal goals, ambitions & plans.

 

I won't discuss them though since, they're personal & I've said enough here already.

 

However, I will say outrightly this, I am giving-up & throwing in the towel.

 

Because I've done SO many attempts & tried SO many numerous options, my signs surely have been given. I even signed a written contract to solidify that I am not seeking love. Forget even thinking about marriage either.

 

I had to list all of the websites, all of the groups in the community, where I've tried & where I've been etc. You would all have laughed here if you've seen my list.

 

I am though, still going to be receiving my own degradation as I've requested. That's though, a whole another personal issue.

 

I was designed for other plans in life: my career, my European travels (as I've been to several countries now & will be going to 2 this fall), education, hobbies, interests, family, friends, beliefs, etc.

 

 

So, in ending of my thread here. I will firmly admit as of July 21, 2012 Saturday, I've thrown-in-the-towel. I'm so done. Love & marriage is NOT meant, designed for me.

 

I wish all of you here lots of good luck in finding the person you've been seeking or in throwing-in-the-towel if you've tried SO many options & it's just not happening.

 

Thanks for all of you responding & good luck. Cheers.

[spooky48]

Has anyone thrown-in-the-towel & if so, how long?

 

Did you ever return back & revamp yourself, your profiles & try to believe in love?

 

Or, are you a person who doesn't firmly believe in love or a true-love, soul mate for yourself at all?

 

(I'm weighing personally options b/c of things my LC said to me & how I actually feel oppositely).

 

Thanks.

[skyisfalling]

spooky, you're posts confuse me. As of July 21, you "threw" in the towel, yet you ask how long people throw in the towel? Once you throw in the towel, it means GAME OVER, YOU LOSE. If you change your mind, that's not throwing in the towel. As a fellow woman to another woman, dont give up on love. One of the most precious life experiences is loving and being loved so I really hope that you're able to experience that with every fiber of your being. THe kind of love that consumes you, overwhelms you with passion and excitement.. let's be in it to win it!

[proseandpassion]

Do you know what you need to change? That attitude of looking at yourself as fat and unattractive.

 

Yes, you are overweight. Yes, you have tried everything to lose weight. But you are trying to lose weight because you want to feel attractive. You have to want to lose weight for the right reason, your health. NOTHING ELSE.

 

Do this.

 

Stop going on all these sites. Stop making yourself seem so desperate. Work on yourself. Start walking, eat better. If you don't lose weight, so what? You need to work on your health first because if you don't lose weight, there will be a lot of health complications. Second, work on your attitude. Look at yourself and see yourself as beautiful. Yes, you are overweight but you are beautiful.

 

I grew up being told by everyone (family and friends) that I was fat. Fat and ugly. That I was not going to get a boyfriend, etc etc. The more they said I was fat, the more I ate. The more I ate, the more I gained weight. And let me tell you, at 4'11, I was small and dumpy.I believed this for so many years and when I looked at pictures of myself, I always said, yuck. Don't post that pic of me. I'm ugly!

 

Eventually, I had to make a decision. Allow everyone's opinion of me rule, or change myself. Guess which one I chose?

 

I started dressing better and started believing in myself. I had to change my own mindset, and did not care about what other people thought. Or cared, but knew that what was more important was what I thought about myself. It was hard, but I now think of myself as a beautiful, healthy gal. When I see pictures of myself, I say, wow, I look good in that picture. I dress to please myself.

 

People look at me now and see ME, not an overweight gal. The most important thing is, I see me as me.

 

So please, before you try anything like dating, try to love yourself first. There is nothing more attractive than a girl who truly loves herself.

 

This is exactly my experience. Fat shaming has horrible consequences on a person. It actually increases weight gain.

 

I went years without trying to find a partner because I had my life on hold until I was thin. I never tried to find nice clothes because I wanted to lose weight before I wanted to attempt to look nice. I never left the house because - WHY BOTHER - NO ONE WILL LIKE ME. Then, it was kinda like a bolt of lightning hit me about two years ago. I decided I wanted to dress in cute clothes even if I was overweight. I didn't give a toss about some unknown future wherein I may nor MAY NOT be thin. Prior to this, I was always on the train of gaining and losing.

 

(To those who just say, simply, "lose weight"--it's almost certain, 90% of the time, to be gained back--and it's not just being lazy, either. Our bodies are DESTINED to want to gain the weight back. The NYT did an interesting study on this: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/01/magazine/tara-parker-pope-fat-trap.html?pagewanted=all)

 

I have been pretty much the same weight for two years now. Having lovely clothing that I cherish has made me want to fit into them. Yes, I am overweight. I am not every fellas cuppa tea. But I always look as best as I possibly can. And that radiates outward, and people notice.

 

Focus on yourself. Treat yourself. Get your nails done. Go on long walks, enjoy the air and the beauty of the world. Buy the sexiest damn dress for yourself that you've ever seen. At 5'4" and your weight you still have a lot of options (PM me if you want some). Enjoy life and keep an open heart and an open mind and you will meet somebody.

[phineas]

Bottom line then....it's all about looks & timing.

If you don't have the timing, you better have the looks.

 

Has anyone else here tried several options upon meeting someone & you know you're not exactly Heidi Klum or Brad Pitt but, it's just not happened?

 

Have you then throw-in the towel?

What was your sign you were so DONE?

 

I was 260lbs at 5'8" & I cut & split fire wood so I wasn't a couch potato.

I'm now about 175. Went on a crash diet & was 158 in December. (went too crazy) ate something & lifted heavy and now cutting down to 165 slower.

 

If you want to lose weight, goto bodybuilding.com , check out the loosing weight section. READ THE STICKIES!

 

There are motivation threads starting up this month you can join.

People will help you.

 

August 1st to November 1st Transformation Motivation Thread - Bodybuilding.com Forums

 

This is a good one for example. It isn't a contest.

 

You will be blown away by how much bro-science you've accumulated over the yrs about getting in shape.

 

when I was 260 I barely got any attention except from an ex from a long time ago & I think she just felt sorry for me. LOL!

 

And even when I was 215 women led me on then bailed on me when it was time for the sex to happen (i'm talking after months of "dating" them )

Every one of those women came back a yr later when I finally got in shape.

 

I don't blame them & wasn't bitter because I was FAT, however since I did ut many months of sexless time & energy into them & they bailed on me without giving anything in return, I made it clear what had to happen if they wanted any more of my attention.

 

The up-side to being in shape at our age is only the really attractive people try to waste our time. LOL!

Edited August 3, 2012 by phineas

[ascendotum]

You committed to throwing in the towel the other week, and you probably find it hard to stay resolute, when you go to a shopping centre (or where ever) and see lots of couples holding hands and feel sad that you can't have that.

I have no doubt you have tried lots of things, but I personally don't think you should chuck it in yet until you have tried to do everything on the weight loss front. I have no doubt it will transform your life for the better. If you have given up on finding love then replace it with a new passion to become a better you, and I don't just mean through reading & travelling more.

You just got 2 good posts from PandP & phineas. For me as a guy who also had weight issues and found it made a huge difference, I fully back the phineas advice.

[mesmerized]

I don't know why women always bring this up - 99% of men do not care about your hobbies or your academic "achievements" because all they care about is looks, looks, and oh did I mention looks.

 

And yes, with the men of today the best thing is to throw in the towel.

 

The men who don't care about anything but looks when it comes to relationship are usually insecure or don't have much to offer themselves.

 

OP, there is REALLY no way around this but to lose weight. You can try all means to meet men but you most probably wouldn't find a good quality relationship. Losing weight in your situation is vital. I don't think you should even bother to look for a man while you're at your weight.

[spooky48]

spooky, you're posts confuse me. As of July 21, you "threw" in the towel, yet you ask how long people throw in the towel? Once you throw in the towel, it means GAME OVER, YOU LOSE. If you change your mind, that's not throwing in the towel. As a fellow woman to another woman, dont give up on love. One of the most precious life experiences is loving and being loved so I really hope that you're able to experience that with every fiber of your being. THe kind of love that consumes you, overwhelms you with passion and excitement.. let's be in it to win it!

 

I know what you mean & admit it.

Yes, I threw-in-the-towel on that date but, I still have active profiles out here but, I am inactive to the point of hardly even checking them anymore.

The only profile I utilize daily is a telephone line where I am degraded daily b/c it helps me "feel" & it is a bdsm "thing"...long story.

 

I love your positivity though as I'm sure you have someone. I do not nor have not believe in a true love or a soul mate for myself but, do for others b/c I've seen it w/my own eyes how they haven't settled, lied, cheated, scammed or any other b.s. w/each other.

[Revolver]

To be fair, who is anyone to tell someone whether they should throw in the towel. If someone wants to, let them

[udolipixie]

Probably best suited try a BBW dating site or date men in their 40s and 50s though in my opinion if you're in my country, America, it's probably better suited to throw in the towel with the quality of men available.

[fishtaco]

(To those who just say, simply, "lose weight"--it's almost certain, 90% of the time, to be gained back--and it's not just being lazy, either. Our bodies are DESTINED to want to gain the weight back. The NYT did an interesting study on this: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/01/magazine/tara-parker-pope-fat-trap.html?pagewanted=all)

 

I have an acquaintance. Overweight. She wanted to do gastric bypass surgery, but she wasn't fat enough to qualify for it. So she intentionally gained weight so she could qualify for the surgery.

 

After the surgery, she complained that she couldn't eat. Well, no sh-t. Instead of making sure she eats nutritional food because the amount of food she could eat is very limited, she still ate cookies and junk. So she also became really unhealthy.

 

So now years later, through her sheer iron will, she managed to stretch out her stomach so she could eat more food now. Mission accomplished. Now she can eat a meal AND cookies and ice cream. But guess what? She gained her weight back.

 

So yes... many people can't keep off the the weight they lost. But is it really destiny?

[spooky48]

I have an acquaintance. Overweight. She wanted to do gastric bypass surgery, but she wasn't fat enough to qualify for it. So she intentionally gained weight so she could qualify for the surgery.

 

After the surgery, she complained that she couldn't eat. Well, no sh-t. Instead of making sure she eats nutritional food because the amount of food she could eat is very limited, she still ate cookies and junk. So she also became really unhealthy.

 

So now years later, through her sheer iron will, she managed to stretch out her stomach so she could eat more food now. Mission accomplished. Now she can eat a meal AND cookies and ice cream. But guess what? She gained her weight back.

 

So yes... many people can't keep off the the weight they lost. But is it really destiny?

 

 

It's funny you should mention the gastric bypass surgery...

 

I have 3 work colleagues that went through it. 2 of which look GREAT but, have LOADS of excess hanging skin & their choices they order for breakfast & lunch puzzle me. Do you really need to eat a loaded cheese hoagie w/ potato chips for lunch? That's what I'm talking about. The 3rd woman, is very, very obese. I would say she has to be about 375 + WITH the 2 bypass surgeries she has. She keeps telling me she's detoxing but, I've caught her w/ pizza, chinese food & fried wings...

 

I am down now to 259 from 263. Not much but, it's a start. I've been cutting my portion size down & trying to eat better. Plus, I'm just drinking unsweetened iced tea.

 

I am really though, thinking of approaching the surgery route. We'll see though.

[skyisfalling]

Great job spooky! 4 pounds is definitely a good start. You're heading on the right track. Just keep at it..

 

I know its hard and I know it sucks but seriously spooky, just keep at it. If you could slim down at least 100 pounds you'd look great!

 

I was chubbed out when I was in my last relationship. For some reason, I feel I gain more weight when i'm in a relationship than when i'm single. I'm around you're height, 5'3 and I currently weigh around 120. I could go anywhere from 105-150 in a matter of WEEKS. It's crazy how much my weight fluctuates and I am now in the process of dieting and trying to lose weight. I've lost a good 15 pounds within the last 2 months and if I could do it you can do it. I'm going to make sure you're doing well, i'll help you

 

I was a former "fat" girl back when I was growing up and I had very little confidence. I could definitely relate to you. But I see so much potential in you.. so dont give up.

Edited August 6, 2012 by skyisfalling

[spooky48]

Hi,

 

I wanted to follow-up on this thread.

I had pretty big discussions on things today.

I think I will continue to have my ads, work on my weight but, still go to events, clubs, meetups, etc.

 

I am just going to live.

 

However, all of the women in my group here @ work all told me it is NOT my appearance & weight that's throwing men away from me. So, I am back @ step 1 regarding this. All of them stated that it's just timing and not even looks. BUT....my Mom & 2 Aunts both agree if I don't lose weight I'll NEVER meet anyone. So...this is why I am confused.

 

I am going to live the way I want to live.

I am on my diet, making personal changes but, still going out & living. I have meetup.com groups I'm currently involved in, my church & I still go to concerts & comedy clubs while doing other hobbies too.

 

I believe now firmly that if someone is going to like ME he'll like me for me & not b/c of my face, weight or overall body.

 

I am not throwing in the towel I guess but, just living & doing whatever I want to do.