spooky48 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Hi there, Basically speaking..... If you're older in your 30's, never married, no sex in YEARS, no kids & overweight (yet, you've really tried to lose the weight), how do you know it's time to throw-in the towel in regards to love & dating? This is me... I'm a SWF, straight, never married, no kids, in my late 30's, overweight: 259lbs at 5'4" and I have not been touched, kissed, hugged, loved, cared-about or even thought about sexually speaking in YEARS now. I am on several sites....nothing. All I am asking is after all the time, money, energy everything spent....should I throw-in the towel? No sex too, is a problem...let alone no love, etc. Think about it...Pathetic However, I work FT, have 3 college degrees, several hobbies. Thanks for replying.
jobaba Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Hi there, Basically speaking..... If you're older in your 30's, never married, no sex in YEARS, no kids & overweight (yet, you've really tried to lose the weight), how do you know it's time to throw-in the towel in regards to love & dating? This is me... I'm a SWF, straight, never married, no kids, in my late 30's, overweight: 259lbs at 5'4" and I have not been touched, kissed, hugged, loved, cared-about or even thought about sexually speaking in YEARS now. I am on several sites....nothing. All I am asking is after all the time, money, energy everything spent....should I throw-in the towel? No sex too, is a problem...let alone no love, etc. Think about it...Pathetic However, I work FT, have 3 college degrees, several hobbies. Thanks for replying. On the off chance that you are a real person ... ...lose the weight. Going down from 260 to 140 or so will improve your attractiveness by maybe as many as 3 to 4 points. I only wish I could do something like that. Get a physical trainer. It's harder for some people, but everybody can lose weight. 1
InJest Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 What kind of girls are you going after? Sounds like you've got a lot to offer, so there's plenty of women that would date you. If you're ready to throw in the towel, you're probably not showing much confidence. The time to throw in the towel is when you decide you'd rather give up on what you want than continue to try. I don't see the point in that, but do it if you think you'll be happier not trying.
veggirl Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I would probably start with literally doing whatever I have to in order to lose the weight. I know you said you've tried a lot, what have you tried? I think that is probably your biggest issue. If I didn't want to put in the effort to do that, I suppose I would seek out overweight partners. Perhaps there is a site designed for those who are overweight? Don't throw in the towel. eta: Do you dress well, keep your hair styled, wear make up properly? that can always help attraction, of course. Plenty of overweight women have beautiful faces and style themselves to look very nice. 1
truth_seeker Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 1. Get in shape 2. Get a wardrobe makeover 3. Join social clubs to meet people You commit to the above suggestions, you will meet men. 2
Imajerk17 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Lose the weight. We had one woman here who has a lot of guys after her, but I believe at one point she was even heavier than you, even after adjusting for height. She lost the extra weight and looks great. It can be done!
D87 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I call BS on the 3 college degrees. I'm sure if you really had college degrees you'd figure out how to lose weight. Its not rocket science. Stop eating carbohydrates and start exercising daily for an hour and problem solved. 1
Negative Nancy Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 However, I work FT, have 3 college degrees, several hobbies. I don't know why women always bring this up - 99% of men do not care about your hobbies or your academic "achievements" because all they care about is looks, looks, and oh did I mention looks. And yes, with the men of today the best thing is to throw in the towel. 3
sid3 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Just no. 99% is way off base. GOOD men do care about hobbies and achievements. Oh please! No we don't. Looks are all we care about, followed by whether she's good in the sack.
Author spooky48 Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 (edited) I believe in most of the advice given regarding the situation & I appreciate all who wrote. I've done the club, bar, shore scene..nothing I've been involved actively, in my church & community events..nothing I've been to sports clubs, games..nothing I've been to a local hospital where I volunteered..nothing I completed an internship while in college thinking I'd meet a cool guy..nothing I am currently on Facebook with now 1,101 friends thinking I'd utilize the tool on meeting a man..nothing (My college education with the degrees I've earned is currently listed on my FB page by the way) I've been on numerous Internet dating sites paid & non-paid all from a 6 month period or more: Eharmony Match Match-makers Lavalife American Singles Christian Mingle Catholic Match CM FL Singlesnet Chemistry I'm currently on Plenty of Fish, OKcupid, Zoosk and back on Eharmony on a 3 month period since they offered me a $14.95 per 3 month deal. I have a telephone ad out on a local chat line here too. I used to have a blog where I had several people post. ..................................................................................................... So, that's what I've done & how I've put myself out there. I firmly believe maybe this is all a huge sign that love/marriage is not meant for me. What do you think now? What's even more "confusing" to me is how women who are even more bigger in weight still have someone but, I believe it's just me & how I've been given a sign to move-on with life. I guess this is pre-destination or else some just have it all & some don't. I will admit I am eternally grateful for my education, family, beliefs, career and travels (I've been to all 4 countries in the UK, Australia, New Zealand & Iceland). I just don't understand though, what I'm doing wrong, how my profile might be a turn-off or what I can do to be a better person. As stated, I've exhausted all options...maybe it's time to throw-in the towel. Edited July 19, 2012 by spooky48
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 (edited) I don't know why women always bring this up - 99% of men do not care about your hobbies or your academic "achievements" because all they care about is looks, looks, and oh did I mention looks. And yes, with the men of today the best thing is to throw in the towel. Nancy is right here to a great degree, without physical attraction no man cares about those other things, that's the second tier...the second step, so men are not necessarily going to get past your weight because the majority of men need to attain some sexual attraction at least in order to open that door. Do you think that If the most attractive woman you see walking down the street were to instantly gain 100 pounds would still be interested in her? hell no, they'd look right past her, she'd receive a completely 180 degree interest level...all of a sudden those guys that said they loved her personality and yadda yadda yadda, respected her for this or that wouldn't care anymore...even If they knew her before hand. I don't want to bullcrap you on this because this is really a major problem, your weight (sadly combined with your height) will hold you back with romance...yes you can try to find another man who is overweight as well but guess what? that guy probably wants a skinnier girl himself even though he's overweight and others would be relationship retarded and wouldn't know the first thing about hitting on women unless you were playing world of warcraft together (its an online social video game in case you don't know) I'm sorry spooky, I know you have a lot to offer but the majority of men have a hard time looking past weight...it doesn't allow them sexual attraction, it's not even something they control believe it or not..it just doesn't turn men on regardless of whether you're this great loving person, of course they appreciate that but men are visually driven, and so are many women even though many say "looks don't matter" let's be realistic, they always do some people are just better at ignoring that than others because I doubt anyone actually truly likes it. Cancel all your website subscriptions, or meeting men in all those avenues that you try to and get yourself a personal trainer. Fight vigorously to lose 100 pounds or more (realistically more but that's a must), set a goal, overcome your weight issues...not only will you improve your health, quality of life, but much more men will be attracted to you. Dedicate your life to this, or continue believing It's something else...It's your weight, stop running in circles...make time for it, dedicate to it, higher a personal trainer and nutritionist, get serious about it you've got 3 degrees I'm sure you can scrap some cash for it, It will be worth the investment and sacrifice and you'll see an improvement in the dating arena. You've got to change your lifestyle, you've exhausted all of your other resources...If you want to throw in the towel that's up to you, but you should be the best you can be first. Edited July 20, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas 3
Negative Nancy Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 (edited) Nancy is right here to a great degree I hate to be proven right Do you think that If the most attractive woman you see walking down the street were to instantly gain 100 pounds would still be interested in her? hell no, they'd look right past her, she'd receive a completely 180 degree interest level...all of a sudden those guys that said they loved her personality and yadda yadda yadda, respected her for this or that wouldn't care anymore...even If they knew her before hand. so men constantly complain about gold diggers and ideally (and rightfully) want to be wanted at their "worst" (from the societal "ladder" perspective, as in, broke, dirt poor and down on their luck), yet a woman who might be at a difficult time in her life with an equally comparable issue (because just as a woman - again, rightfully too - is expected to do something about her weight and in the opinion of most men it is all just a question of "will power", so is making money for men then) is being chased here with pitchforks? the hypocrisy in this forum never ceases to amaze and amuse.... Edited July 20, 2012 by Negative Nancy 2
Author spooky48 Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 Bottom line then....it's all about looks & timing. If you don't have the timing, you better have the looks. Has anyone else here tried several options upon meeting someone & you know you're not exactly Heidi Klum or Brad Pitt but, it's just not happened? Have you then throw-in the towel? What was your sign you were so DONE?
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I hate to be proven right so men constantly complain about gold diggers and ideally (and rightfully) want to be wanted at their "worst" (from the societal "ladder" perspective, as in, broke, dirt poor and down on their luck), yet a woman who might be at a difficult time in her life with an equally comparable issue (because just as a woman - again, rightfully too - is expected to do something about her weight and in the opinion of most men it is all just a question of "will power", so is making money for men then) is being chased here with pitchforks? the hypocrisy in this forum never ceases to amaze and amuse.... It's no secret that men and women judge people for their looks, weight and based on their overall attraction...and then expect men to work for equally regardless of how they look..conveniently people want to judge others but less often themselves. People just have expectations and some of them unrealistic If they were screening themselves with as much critique and just being objective about it. If you let yourself go in dramatically in one facet, including weight, of course it's going to affect your chances in the dating world because that's the real world...It's what people want and desire in a partner, you can't expect the world to change just for you. I guarantee you If the people looked the way they wanted to look without having to do any work, we'd all be hot supermodels and guess what? people would still complain and find something else to value, or why they're not successful with dating...people will always complain and want things to conform to them...that's just human nature, instead of them changing or improving, they want to world to bend to them. Women will throw their vaginas at movie stars and rockstars in the millions, feel entitled and proud that this guy chose her vagina to sink his penis into one drunken night in a hotel and be proud enough to talk about with friends their whole lives like it was some sort of an achievement, yet expect Joe Blow down the street to work for it and develop this emotional connection and have all these other qualities to win said woman over...so in defense of men there is plenty of hypocrisy with women...they say they want this or that then they end up with some idiot that has hardly any of the qualities she was looking for and pass over the guy they "supposedly" were looking for on paper..some men they'd give it up to for free or peanuts and others they'll put through the gauntlet for the same prize..but no, emotions are a different level to woman of course, so of course consequently that actually means you give the man you see potential in a harder time than the other guys you just banged...yeah that makes sense to men (you know since we're generalizing here). Weight issues play a difference in terms of physical attraction for men, that's the way it is, and that's the way it always will be for most men...otherwise go for the men who enjoy full-figured women...you can compare apples to oranges all day but men cannot get a hard-on to how many puppies you rescued that day, or your degrees or who you are as a person that's more emotional based...there needs to be some physical attraction enough to have the desire pursue forward and invest emotionally for the vast majority of men. Every man appreciates these other qualities but it doesn't mean they have a romantic interest just because, and I think that's fair of them and positive of men to be honest and forthright about it and people have the right not to deny themselves of how they really feel and what they are attracted to, they shouldn't have to change because you refuse to...or believe that this is what men should seek out...It's unrealistic. 2
Negative Nancy Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 men cannot get a hard-on to how many puppies you rescued that day, or your degrees or who you are as a person that's more emotional based...there needs to be some physical attraction enough to have the desire pursue forward and invest emotionally for the vast majority of men I guess men will be very understanding then that women cannot be aroused at the sight of a empty wallet or an empty bank account either.
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I guess men will be very understanding then that women cannot be aroused at the sight of a empty wallet or an empty bank account either. Doesn't matter, he doesn't have to be with that woman and she doesn't have to be with him. If a fat wallet is the only thing that turns her on, and a hot vagina is the only thing that turns on the man then go for it, match made in heaven. Of course If he ever loses it all or she becomes over-weight and aged then they'll just both have to move on. 2
Bristolius Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 OP, I don't know why you're having trouble because I too have seen heavy women with partners. I don't think you should give up hope. Maybe take a break for a while. Remain open though, the future is not set. 1
SJC2008 Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 There are at least 3 overweight dating sites from what came up in a google search, try that! You're not gonna lose 100 pounds so don't listen to the op's even though they meant well. Realistically you could get down to 200 IMO, then you can shoot for more. When I try to lose weight I cut out sugar completely. I'll feel like s*it for 3 days when my body is adjusting but it goes away. NO soda's soft drinks, tea anything!!! No cakes, cookies treats, sugar is the devil!!! I try to eat 6 times a day and do not eat 3 hrs before bed time. I'll eat breakfast, a bowl of cereal and a banana then 2-3 hrs later I'll have a granola bar for a snack then luchg 2 hrs later,usually a sandwich or two then another snack 2 hrs later and a light dinner like chicken breast. Also lifting weights helps me lose more weight than running because it burns more calories. Consult a physician before starting a diet as the post was about my diet! 1
Weezy1973 Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 You'll know you're done when you stop wanting to be in a relationship. The fact that you're on so many dating sites and trying so many other ways to meet men suggests that you are far, far from being done. But, like so many people, you're putting your time and effort into the wrong area. Instead of trying to find that one guy that will overlook the weight issue, put your time and effort into losing the weight and living a healthy (both mentally and physically) life. I would suggest putting dating on hold until this happens. 2
Author spooky48 Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 Hi, Thanks again for all of your responses. Just to really clarify now....my avatar is me. So, now you've all now seen me & my fatness, unattractiveness issues. Anyway, I have read each & every post here. I am on a diet plan but, it's obviously not happening. However, I do find it kind of amusing that no-one else is in my situation where they've tried many, many options but, nothing is "working". That's basically why I started this thread asking if anyone has been given a sign (good or bad) indicating that love & marriage aren't just "meant" for you. Take care.
iris219 Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Hi, Thanks again for all of your responses. Just to really clarify now....my avatar is me. So, now you've all now seen me & my fatness, unattractiveness issues. Anyway, I have read each & every post here. I am on a diet plan but, it's obviously not happening. However, I do find it kind of amusing that no-one else is in my situation where they've tried many, many options but, nothing is "working". That's basically why I started this thread asking if anyone has been given a sign (good or bad) indicating that love & marriage aren't just "meant" for you. Take care. Love and marriage probably aren’t in the cards for me either. Unfortunately, I don’t have a lot beneficial advice for you. There is no secret method for getting over the fact that you may never have love or sex. Have I thrown in the towel? Well, I’m open to dating, but I can’t imagine it happening. You have to focus on yourself, your family, your friends, your work, your interests, and if a man comes along, he comes along. There really are other things in life that will keep you content. You may never be completely satisfied alone (I won’t be), but you won’t be tragically depressed either if you stay productive. The weight loss goal is a great goal to have right now, not because you have to be thin to get a man, but because it's great to have something to work towards. I'm thin and can’t get a man, and we all see heavy women with BFs/husbands all the time. The weight loss goal gives you a focus; it’s about you, not dating. Concentrate on this right now. If you meet a man, great. If not, you still have goals you are trying to meet, and this gives your life purpose. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Q: When is time to throw-in the towel? A: NEVER! 1
Bristolius Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 ...asking if anyone has been given a sign (good or bad) indicating that love & marriage aren't just "meant" for you... NO! Don't imagine such a thing. The world does not work this way. What you want is normal and you might get it. 1
iambookworm Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Do you know what you need to change? That attitude of looking at yourself as fat and unattractive. Yes, you are overweight. Yes, you have tried everything to lose weight. But you are trying to lose weight because you want to feel attractive. You have to want to lose weight for the right reason, your health. NOTHING ELSE. Do this. Stop going on all these sites. Stop making yourself seem so desperate. Work on yourself. Start walking, eat better. If you don't lose weight, so what? You need to work on your health first because if you don't lose weight, there will be a lot of health complications. Second, work on your attitude. Look at yourself and see yourself as beautiful. Yes, you are overweight but you are beautiful. I grew up being told by everyone (family and friends) that I was fat. Fat and ugly. That I was not going to get a boyfriend, etc etc. The more they said I was fat, the more I ate. The more I ate, the more I gained weight. And let me tell you, at 4'11, I was small and dumpy.I believed this for so many years and when I looked at pictures of myself, I always said, yuck. Don't post that pic of me. I'm ugly! Eventually, I had to make a decision. Allow everyone's opinion of me rule, or change myself. Guess which one I chose? I started dressing better and started believing in myself. I had to change my own mindset, and did not care about what other people thought. Or cared, but knew that what was more important was what I thought about myself. It was hard, but I now think of myself as a beautiful, healthy gal. When I see pictures of myself, I say, wow, I look good in that picture. I dress to please myself. People look at me now and see ME, not an overweight gal. The most important thing is, I see me as me. So please, before you try anything like dating, try to love yourself first. There is nothing more attractive than a girl who truly loves herself. 3
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