mnbikingguy Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 A little background on me first - I am a divorced dad of 2 wonderful girls (9 & 6) whom I am privileged to have 50% of the time. After a year or stabilizing, I decided to finally start dating again and have met a wonderful woman. I'm 40 and she's 43 so age is pretty similar. However, one HUGE difference is that she has never been married and only had one serious relationship about 15 years ago. She is a doctor and has a busy schedule. However, we have been dating about 9 months. Sorry, I digressed. About me - I'm a pretty even keel guy - not too many emotional swings (I don't get angry easily and don't really get excited). The relationship itself is very good. We are quite compatible in values, political beliefs, etc. The intimacy is good. I have a high need for physical love (I'm a guy) and she is not like that, and often tells me she's concerned about meeting my needs. Additionally, she has a lot of swings - she can be downright rude at times. So here are the two issues I'm having difficulty discussing with her - 1. Her rudeness. She can be sweet as can be - but if she is tired or has work on her mind she can be quite rude. She does not insult me directly but blows me off, etc. I don't get "hurt" easily - heck I will have teenage girls soon so I need to get some tough skin. The worrisome thing here is that she realizes it because she apologized after wards, usually just a couple of hours after the fact. Other worrisome thing - if we stay together, there will be teenage girls with us half the time...YIKES!!!! 2. Physical intimacy - Many of you may chalk it up as being a "guy" but I really need/want that more. She's always tired, works out a lot (which is really good!), and is a bit older. She tells me she wants to meet my needs. I'm not looking for "sex" every night - (note, it does not happen the weeks I have my kids as we obviously do not live together), but it kind of surprises me that given how much she cares for me and likes me (she's also very scared of saying "I love you") the weeks we don't have kids she does not really make an effort. Lastly, her schedule can be nuts. Just today she was willing to help me by taking one child to soccer while I take the other one. I know she's a doctor but now I need to scramble. Ultimately I am ok with that as my kids are not her responsibility. Just challenging. So - how can I work with her on her moods - I can take a lot but if she acknowledges she does it why would she not stop? The intimacy - do I just need to accept it? Thanks!!!
Pasttense Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I think you either need to accept her as she is or move on. 1
FitChick Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 If she is tired, learn to give an erotic massage (but don't tell her it's erotic). She will be more receptive to sex afterwards -- unless she falls asleep. If the sexes weren't indicated in your post, I'd have assumed you were female and she was male.
Negative Nancy Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 (edited) if we stay together, there will be teenage girls with us half the time...YIKES!!!! Shouldn't you as a man feel rather delighted about that fact considering that you'll get to leer at some young bodies instead of the one of the old mom that you're dating? Edited July 19, 2012 by Negative Nancy
InJest Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 NegativeNancy, he is the one with the girls... Mnbikingguy, The sex won't change, and you're already starting to get bitter, though you do a good job of masking it. The woman isn't meeting your needs, emotionally or physically. She's got a bunch of excuses, and she's using sex as an occasional treat to keep you around. Drop her and tell her exactly why.
maybealone Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 1. Her rudeness. This one I think you should try to address. How, I don't know. But she should be mature enough to work on the fact that she cannot take things out on you simply because you are there. 2. Physical intimacy Don't blame her age. I am a couple of years older than her, and if I could find a willing partner I'd have sex every day. Of course, I am not a doctor and nowhere near as tired and she probably is on a normal day. After getting out of a marriage with someone who had a very different sex drive than me, I believe that mismatched sex drives never magically match up, and that if it is important to have someone matched to you, then you should keep looking because they are out there. Lastly, her schedule can be nuts. I doubt there is anything you can do about that, unless she plans to get some job in a doctor's office with somewhat regular hours someday.
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 First off, unfortunately dating a doctor or being in a relationship with one means you choose a specific lifestyle. Doctors are busy, sometimes on call, and get pretty exhausted and drained because they work long hours and have a heavy work load to accomplish every day so It's typically stressful depending on what kind of doctor she is, unless she's not working directly with patients she's going to be physically, emotionally and mentally drained. So naturally these relationships offer a different dynamic because they don't just have a career...a 9-5 job, and that's a bit hard to understand when you're not really able to relate to what they go through on a daily basis. Personally I can work 60 hours a week, I've worked up to 72 before and 14-16 hour days and I can feel physically drained and mentally as well being that I do a combination of physical and sales/interacting with people. But I still think it's much different than what a doctor does go through, I think the emotional burden, especially if they are working with sick/dying patients is something that they never really get to face...they have to put in the back of their minds and just kind of carry that emotional weight and burden. My ex was a pediatrician and she would see young children dying of cancer and knowing nothing different than spending half of their lives in a hospital only to come to work one day and find one of these patients she had been seeing had suddenly passed. Seeing the emotions of new life beginning with women giving birth and then seeing death the reacts of that had a heavy burden on her emotionally. Anyway that's just something to grasp, find out what exactly she does and goes through...ask her about her day and help her get through it emotionally and mentally. Find her exact stresses and try to in someway relate to what she goes through and whether she just needs some relaxing time or just a nap, help her unwind and rest...take some of the burden where you can to make her life a bit easier especially when it's getting to her the most. Secondly, at least with women I have dated/relationships with that were of higher education...attaining PHD's primarily, IME they tend to have made some sacrifices along the way at the cost of close interpersonal relationships to a degree to accomplish their goals. From my experience they tend to be much less relationship experienced than myself and always had their careers as their priority in life and If they've dated like people it's the blind leading the blind so to speak...after all It's no walk in the park attaining your PHD let alone being a doctor, I honestly don't understand how some people put themselves through it, It's such a huge part of your life dedicated to your career I'd be overwhelmed but I have a great deal of respect for their personal ambition and drive, they just tend to lack relationship skills and communication from what I've experienced. So that typically takes some time to adjust and get into a rhythm, It takes a period of adjustment and kind of synching up and addressing their needs as It's not a normal relationship...I'm usually a good combination in these relationship because I'm fundamentally sound in my relationship skills and bring a different dynamic than what they are used to..so use what you have to your advantage you've got to meet each other half way, so communicate and show her how to to be closer to you. You need to gain her trust and understand her a bit more, be able to relate and sympathize with her...you need to be able to display these things to her and understand she may be very emotionally moody and pushing away, but you've got to be the rock in the waters...don't let a few waves knock you over just stand firm. As far as intimacy, this is also related...some women who are not emotional connected and completely trusting aren't able to completely open up and give themselves to you because they always have their reservations, they have compartmentalized certain emotions and investments...most women need that bond and closeness to be truly comfortable but she might be on another level..find out more about her and talk to her about this, find out where this resonates...probably issues with her parents more than likely and past experiences...you've got to kind of play therapist in this relationship. She definitely needs you but you've got to prove yourself, don't be swayed by her mood swings, don't let her just be the way she is all the time...tell her how she's acting and how it's not ok and you feel disrespected, put your foot down...some women need to test men to see If they're strong enough and want you to control them to a degree, they want to know you can handle it. It's going to be difficult for you I think, but If you start trying to figure it out and see through the situations instead of reacting then you won't feel as lost and confused when she does things that perplex you...you don't have to be a genius or a psychologist, just get down to the fundamentals of a relationship and don't be discouraged. Intimacy is a toss up, but If you get closer to her the intimacy may improve...however it depends, also she may have other emotional issues playing a part in that, maybe even medical or maybe it's just her sex drive. You've got to communicate with her about that and find out exactly what it is however she might not even know herself, maybe she's insecure? Just realize sex and intimacy are not the same for everyone and us men tend to be more comfortable with that where women may not be If they are harboring a lot of emotional scars/issues.
pteromom Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Her rudeness. She can be sweet as can be - but if she is tired or has work on her mind she can be quite rude. She does not insult me directly but blows me off, etc. I don't get "hurt" easily - heck I will have teenage girls soon so I need to get some tough skin. The worrisome thing here is that she realizes it because she apologized after wards, usually just a couple of hours after the fact. Is it possible she has a personality disorder? If she is a "jekyll/hyde" type, it is possible. If so, any relationship with her will always be a roller coaster. it kind of surprises me that given how much she cares for me and likes me (she's also very scared of saying "I love you") the weeks we don't have kids she does not really make an effort. Sounds to me like she just doesn't have a high sex drive. This is unlikely to change. Lastly, her schedule can be nuts. This is not going to change. You need to either accept her as she is, or not. If you are at the beginning of a relationship and she isn't wanting sex now, it is only going to get worse. You'd probably be better off moving on and finding someone who is more sexually compatible with you or you have a lot of frustration in your future.
manup Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 A little background on me first - I am a divorced dad of 2 wonderful girls (9 & 6) whom I am privileged to have 50% of the time. After a year or stabilizing, I decided to finally start dating again and have met a wonderful woman. I'm 40 and she's 43 so age is pretty similar. However, one HUGE difference is that she has never been married and only had one serious relationship about 15 years ago. She is a doctor and has a busy schedule. However, we have been dating about 9 months. Sorry, I digressed. About me - I'm a pretty even keel guy - not too many emotional swings (I don't get angry easily and don't really get excited). The relationship itself is very good. We are quite compatible in values, political beliefs, etc. The intimacy is good. I have a high need for physical love (I'm a guy) and she is not like that, and often tells me she's concerned about meeting my needs. Additionally, she has a lot of swings - she can be downright rude at times. So here are the two issues I'm having difficulty discussing with her - 1. Her rudeness. She can be sweet as can be - but if she is tired or has work on her mind she can be quite rude. She does not insult me directly but blows me off, etc. I don't get "hurt" easily - heck I will have teenage girls soon so I need to get some tough skin. The worrisome thing here is that she realizes it because she apologized after wards, usually just a couple of hours after the fact. Other worrisome thing - if we stay together, there will be teenage girls with us half the time...YIKES!!!! 2. Physical intimacy - Many of you may chalk it up as being a "guy" but I really need/want that more. She's always tired, works out a lot (which is really good!), and is a bit older. She tells me she wants to meet my needs. I'm not looking for "sex" every night - (note, it does not happen the weeks I have my kids as we obviously do not live together), but it kind of surprises me that given how much she cares for me and likes me (she's also very scared of saying "I love you") the weeks we don't have kids she does not really make an effort. Lastly, her schedule can be nuts. Just today she was willing to help me by taking one child to soccer while I take the other one. I know she's a doctor but now I need to scramble. Ultimately I am ok with that as my kids are not her responsibility. Just challenging. So - how can I work with her on her moods - I can take a lot but if she acknowledges she does it why would she not stop? The intimacy - do I just need to accept it? Thanks!!! RUN!!! 43 and one relationship 15 years ago? Woman has been on the cock carousel for most of her adult life and that ain't changing any time soon. You can do much better than this woman, plus she's a doctor, do you really think she has time for you?
Author mnbikingguy Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 Hey everyone, thanks for the advice. Note - I really care for her. The rudeness is not constant - just once on a while and the sex - when it happens is great. However, your concerns are noted (one relationship in a long span, etc.) My girls love her very much and I need to keep that in mind - it is not just about me. I want to ensure I look at the big picture. I knew what I was getting myself into when dating a doctor. I asked myself over and over again and accepted it so the schedule is an inconvenience but acceptable. The sex is the challenge.....I really do believe she is tired and when it does happen - like I said, she is giving. There really is no reason for her to "keep me around" by using sex. I mean, there is not much I can offer her other than emotional support - which I do - every day we talk about her day and she asks about mine. We are mature about that. Plus when she is not on call she makes time for me and us really - we just all got back from 4 days on vacation together. She took one call but nothing else. Ultimately I either accept her as good for my kids and I or not good. BTW - I'm no slacker either - no MD or Phd but I have an MBA and am a director for a large company so pretty even there. So do the 2 smalls outweigh all the goods....maybe, but then again maybe not.
Leopard Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 You need to accept it. With a job like hers, I can only imagine that it's pretty common to get upset or be uptight all the time. Plus you're on-call often, so that doesn't help. You can tell her that you think that she can be rude sometimes, and lie and say it hurts your feelings. Otherwise she will just tell you that's the way she is. If she thinks it's hurts your feelings, she might censor herself more because she cares for you. But to be honest, this is who she is. No one is perfect. As for the sex thing...well..you kinda have to accept it to. She has a crazy job AND she's a woman. So good luck with that lol I think you need to discuss this more with her though. You said she is considerate of your physical needs and she is worried she can't meet them. This is an incredibly good sign because it means she wants to balance things out and make you happy. So if anything, you two need to discuss it amongst yourself.
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