Want to NC. Could use some guidance.

[sleepie]

Hi everyone. I've been reading this forum constantly for last 2 days. Could use some help and will try to keep backstory short.

 

I'm married to great man. MM married to BS. Both of us have kids. We see each other socially a few times a year.

 

A started 2 years ago with casual text chatting. MM pursued me. I resisted. He persisted doggedly. I grew addicted to the attention, the compliments, the dopamine rush. Very selfish and immature. EA developed into on-again-off-again thing that followed typical patterns. MM and I both were responsible for starting/stopping NC many, many times. Both addicted to the drama. Both seeking validation from each other. Both very, very immature and selfish.

 

I think MM loved me. He probably lied, but not often. Many times I'd think he was lying ("I'm trying to convince BS to do X to be closer to you") because it would seem like a standard line, and then his BS would confirm it ("MM is always talking about doing X. We'll probably do it when kids are older."). Other examples like that. His "lines" often turned out not to be lines at all as confirmed by her, so I think he probably loved me. Not that it matters much.

 

I decided two days ago to go NC with no warning to MM. We've broken up so many times that there just seems like there's nothing more to say. I can't stand the heartache (in many ways) anymore. I'm not sure if he will ever contact me again (we're on a mini break). But if he does, I don't know how I will resist responding. (Changing my # isn't an option.) It's a pattern/habit we've established for years. I'm a freakin' addict, and I admit it.

 

I've read all the advice: focus on you, focus on your kids, focus on your BS if you really want to make your M work. All of those things are great, and they'll stop me from contacting him. I am strong that way, no problem. It's resisting RESPONDING to him that may be a problem. He knows just what to say to push my buttons. Just what to say to get a response. Just what to say to rile me up. (Don't they all?) How do I ignore that twitch--that addictive need--to respond to him?

[sleepie]

I should add that I know I *could* block and blacklist him so there is no way for him to contact me. (I have an iPhone, there must be an app for that.) But I can't bring myself to do it. I think ("What if he needs me? What if a Dday happens and he needs to contact me?") So maybe I haven't quite gotten it in myself to let go yet. Which I guess is a whole other set of problems...

[scatterd]

You need to keep NC and have will power to get over him. If you continue their will be a discovery day.I would block him and ask for him to support this. Someday if you both get caught it will be nasty. Why do you need to hear if their is a discovery day if you quit talking? If you do not talk it will give you time to heal and focus on your marriage. Many OW and OM have done it here and will support you. Have you had IC before?

[UpwardForward]

IMO, the prerequisites of NC are:

 

1. Being completely ready. You are sick of the A itself, Regretful of it, and ready to move on.

 

2. Tell him in on phone or in person (so you will not wonder if message received) that you are going NC and exactly why you are doing so. This leaves no unreplied to questions.

[jwi71]

I should add that I know I *could* block and blacklist him so there is no way for him to contact me. (I have an iPhone, there must be an app for that.) But I can't bring myself to do it. I think ("What if he needs me? What if a Dday happens and he needs to contact me?") So maybe I haven't quite gotten it in myself to let go yet. Which I guess is a whole other set of problems...

 

You're just playing a game.

You've done it before with each previous "break up".

This is simply another cycle.

 

You'll be back in his arms soon enough. It's what you want.

 

And until you truly don't want it, you'll keep on going.

 

When you have hurt enough, cried enough and possibly "lost it all" - you might be ready. But for now, given the quote above, you're just taking a breather.

 

You'll be back in his embrace soon enough.

 

Just like last time.

[sleepie]

I tried IC for a bit about a year ago when I was at a very low point. It helped some, but not much.

 

I have told him before I am going NC, but it never lasts. Never sticks. And he knows it. He doesn't even believe me anymore when I say it. I've cried wolf one too many times, I think.

 

I have been regretful about the A since it started really. I don't think it's about the A anymore or about the MM. Now... it's the sick, twisted need I have to be validated. To feel special. To think that MM still wants me despite our obstacles.

 

I walk around in a state of self-loathing almost all the time.

[sleepie]

You're just playing a game.

You've done it before with each previous "break up".

This is simply another cycle.

 

I worry that you're right. This is NOT what I want it to be, though.

 

I guess... what I need is help breaking the cycle.

[skywriter]

So what's special about, sick, twisted, & self loathing?

 

 

Maybe seeing your lover , loving his W up would help ya out. Catching your lover with yet another woman maybe? How low do you have to go to be low enough, to have no place else but up to go?

[scatterd]

If you mean it you will delete him from all contact list and not call him or get a hold of him.

This will hurt but in time it will be less and less he will not beleive you untill you do it and mean it.

If you keep taking the bait of course he is going to think

you will not do it.

You need to deside if this is how you want to live or not.

He knows he is all that because he has been allowed to

keep doing this and this is selfish.

[sleepie]

Well, I think this has a lot to do with my own selfish ego needs than anything else. Seeing MM love up his wife won't help. Might make me angry and jealous. But won't really change the rush I get from the A.

 

I've read a lot here about the addiction to the drama. Feeding the need for validation. The dopamine. The adrenaline. I think it all applies in my case, for sure.

 

Maybe I just need to get a motorcycle. Or try skydiving.

 

Not trying to be flippant. Obviously what I have here is a need to work on myself, my life, and my family, which is what I'm hoping NC will help me accomplish.

 

My self-loathing is largely a result of what I perceive to be as a personal weakness. I was strong once. I hate being weak.

 

How low do I have to go? God, I don't know. Every time I think I can't get lower, I do. More self-loathing. More need to be validated and stroked. A horrible vicious circle.

[scatterd]

Until you have had enough of this or get caught you are going to continue to feel this way. You should concentrate on fixing yourself and trying to do whats right.

[jwi71]

I worry that you're right. This is NOT what I want it to be, though.

 

I guess... what I need is help breaking the cycle.

 

Then I would suggest IC. A different one obviously.

 

The issue, I'm sure you are aware of, resides fully in you. It's solution also lies fully in you.

 

But you have to want it.

And you have to be willing to pay the price.

 

Here's something mortifying for you.

(You will completely reject it.)

 

Your path to happiness lies down one of two roads.

1) Divorce

2) Confess to your H.

 

Yes, I know LS, I'm WAY ahead here of where she is at. However, IMO, true happiness will only be achieved by one of those two paths.

 

And as you aren't trouncing your H as the devil incarnate (at least not now), I will presume you only wish to risk divorce and not actually D.

 

Which leaves us with confession.

 

Why confess?

 

To prevent this secret, this walled off (to your H anyway) part of your emotional, intellectual and sexual identity, from forming a barrier to intimacy. How can you be truly close to another when holding secret this? I say one cannot. They can fake it but the hole (the walled self) becomes a void that cannot be fulfilled. And how can it? The BS, your H, has no opportunity to help - its hidden from but felt, keenly, by you because it's for the OM - who you are in NC with. The void becomes unfulfillable by anyone MOM or H

 

And it prevents intimacy.

It prevents the happiness and fulfillment you deserve.

 

Which leads me, in a circuitous manner, to the crux of it all.

 

Why did you cheat?

[skywriter]

I'm sorry sleepie. I guess perception is half the battle, eh?

 

Now see, feeling like just another option for the MM was got to me, although it took a while for me to get there.

 

It is so true though, if you cut it off at the knees, it can't keep climbing on your back.

 

I know it worked for me. I fixed it where, he won't call me ever, because he's a coward and his W will know. He won't show up at my door, there again, he's a coward and his W would find out.

 

You have to do something that'll rattle even your cage and you won't have any options.

[sleepie]

Then I would suggest IC. A different one obviously.

 

The issue, I'm sure you are aware of, resides fully in you. It's solution also lies fully in you.

 

But you have to want it.

And you have to be willing to pay the price.

 

Here's something mortifying for you.

(You will completely reject it.)

 

Your path to happiness lies down one of two roads.

1) Divorce

2) Confess to your H.

 

Yes, I know LS, I'm WAY ahead here of where she is at. However, IMO, true happiness will only be achieved by one of those two paths.

 

And as you aren't trouncing your H as the devil incarnate (at least not now), I will presume you only wish to risk divorce and not actually D.

 

Which leaves us with confession.

 

Why confess?

 

To prevent this secret, this walled off (to your H anyway) part of your emotional, intellectual and sexual identity, from forming a barrier to intimacy. How can you be truly close to another when holding secret this? I say one cannot. They can fake it but the hole (the walled self) becomes a void that cannot be fulfilled. And how can it? The BS, your H, has no opportunity to help - its hidden from but felt, keenly, by you because it's for the OM - who you are in NC with. The void becomes unfulfillable by anyone MOM or H

 

And it prevents intimacy.

It prevents the happiness and fulfillment you deserve.

 

Which leads me, in a circuitous manner, to the crux of it all.

 

Why did you cheat?

 

I cannot imagine confessing. It would destroy H. DESTROY him. You have no idea how much he loves me, and, yes, what a complete s*** I feel like for doing this.

 

This is a problem of my own making. I brought this on myself, him and our M. I feel that if I get a handle on it, I can fix it. It IS a problem with myself. Not one about him. And, surprisingly, not one about our M.

 

Why did I do it? Well, at first I was flattered by the attention. Then I started to crave it. Then I couldn't live without it. And, as I got to know MM better, I grew to love him. How the h*** it ended up like that I do not know. And why I didn't cut him off at the knees at the beginning, I don't know.

 

Already this has been very therapeutic, talking here with other people. NO ONE knows about this except me. I have been way to ashamed to tell anyone about it.

 

Just an hour ago I was running errands, and I was checking my phone to see if he had contacted me, and I was missing him and wondering if I'd ever hear from him again and dreading the idea of it being over. But then I came and checked in here, and started talking, and I realized what a complete idiot I'm being.

 

Looks like I might be here often for a while.

[woinlove]

I agree with jwi71 about the path to happiness. Sounds like you are setting yourself up for a limited life, if you plan on living for the rest of your life with a secret that you think would destroy your H who you think adores you. Sounds like your H doesn't know the real you and you have no intention of letting him. All this creates a lack of intimacy which leaves you vulnerable to affairs. A motorcycle or skydiving isn't likely to fill such a emotional void. I suspect at some point you will feel how limiting this is on your life and chose a different path, maybe divorce. But for now, perhaps trying to stop the A will be enough for you.

[sleepie]

I realize there are differing opinions here about whether or not to reveal the A to the BS. I understand both viewpoints, but it is simply not an option for me. I know my H. It would, without a doubt, destroy him. Possibly our marriage. But definitely him.

 

I think, skywriter, you're right. I am going to have to do something that will rattle even my cage. Guess I need to look for an app that will block/erase any messages from him.

 

I feel like I'm going into battle. Head down, teeth gritted, armed & ready. I guess it's a battle with myself though.

[skywriter]

Sleepie,

 

I do feel for you, even though I realise this is self inflicted, obviously it also involves an innocent party, being your husband, who sounds like a lovely person by the way.

 

I feel for you because even as a single person, I was (and still am, to some extent) an angry person. Angry at myself, angry at the MM for pursuing me,even being interested in me, me becoming interested in him, just the whole A in a nutshell.

 

It was a mindf*ck for me from the time I awoke, until I slept. I told the MM ,more often than not, that I wasn't cut out for this A, stuff. In some way, I've wondered if I just said to hell with it, I'm lonely, my old man abandoned myself and our kids

 

I've been left with the mortgage, kids, debt, and blah, blah, blah, I deserve some attention and to feel special. Now I realise it was excuses and me feeling sorry for myself. Giving myself a reason to make it ok.

 

It certainly didn't turn out to be any of the things that I had rationalised to be my reasons for having an A.

[sleepie]

Sleepie,

 

I do feel for you, even though I realise this is self inflicted, obviously it also involves an innocent party, being your husband, who sounds like a lovely person by the way.

 

 

Thanks. Yes, H is a lovely person. The freakin' best. Best husband, best dad, best friend. I am a total s***head, and believe me, I know it.

 

I think, honestly, that's what I need to really focus on. This man who devoted his life to me, who never would have treated me as poorly as I treated him, who's been honest and loving and kind my whole life. I made a mistake, and maybe I'll spend the rest of my life paying for it in some way or another. But I think I can just get through it if I start giving my H what he's really deserves.

[skywriter]

(((sleepie)))

 

C'mon now you aren't a total sh**head.

 

You may have been vulnerable and the MM picked up on it. I dunno.

I can tell you that was my situation. Either way, it was my responsibility to steer clear of an already committed person. I own that.

 

It's not my place to tell you what you should do. At the end of the day, we all have to make our own choices.

[jwi71]

Thanks. Yes, H is a lovely person. The freakin' best. Best husband, best dad, best friend. I am a total s***head, and believe me, I know it.

 

I think, honestly, that's what I need to really focus on. This man who devoted his life to me, who never would have treated me as poorly as I treated him, who's been honest and loving and kind my whole life. I made a mistake, and maybe I'll spend the rest of my life paying for it in some way or another. But I think I can just get through it if I start giving my H what he's really deserves.

 

I get it. I do.

 

I won't beat you on the head about disclosure - its mostly up to you. I say mostly because the risk of discovery is ever-present. If MM's W discovers the A she is well within her right to call your H and tell him. In fact, should she discover I would advise her to do that very thing. That's besides the point though.

 

Getting over an A is HARD. I mean, REALLY hard.

 

The ONLY way, I know of, is cold turkey NC. MM is dead to you now. He is a place you cannot go - for obvious reasons.

 

I am a cognitive behaviorist. My advice is centered around setting goals, identifying actions to reach them then executing.

 

So, to begin, what is your goal?

 

Are you only seeking to end the A?

Or do you wish to improve "the M"?

 

It seems like, based on what you have written, that you wish to simply end the A.

 

What ACTIONS can you take to reach that goal?

 

The first is the easiest.

Delete and block. Right now. Do it. Delete every email, text, memento. All of it.

Them block him.

 

What's preventing you?

 

To be honest, NOTHING can truly improve until you take ACTIONS to end the A.

Prevent HIM from reaching out to you.

 

That would be a GREAT start.

[skywriter]

Jiwi,The ONLY way, I know of, is cold turkey NC. MM is dead to you now. He is a place you cannot go - for obvious reasons.

Oh yes indeed. This is why I just ripped the bandage off, without a warning. It was just my defining moment, mind was made up, enough was enough, moving on, healing, no more is it him calling, and so on.

 

Besides, I felt like the biggist idiot on the planet. LOL!

[sleepie]

Thank you all so much for your thoughts! Really needed and appreciated right now.

 

I won't beat you on the head about disclosure - its mostly up to you. I say mostly because the risk of discovery is ever-present. If MM's W discovers the A she is well within her right to call your H and tell him. In fact, should she discover I would advise her to do that very thing. That's besides the point though.

 

Yes, and very possible given we're all within a certain social circle together. Also one of the reasons I haven't deleted MM from my contacts. I'd like a heads-up before H gets the call. Not really to do damage control, but to get ready for the blast that will follow. Based on my knowledge of him and her, though, I'd say the chance is slim. If she did suspect, he'd do (what does everyone call it?) gaslighting and she'd buy it. I'm betting on that chance, though I know it's a risk.

 

Getting over an A is HARD. I mean, REALLY hard.

 

The ONLY way, I know of, is cold turkey NC. MM is dead to you now. He is a place you cannot go - for obvious reasons.

 

I like the idea that MM is "dead to you." I think that may be a good way to look at it.

 

I am a cognitive behaviorist. My advice is centered around setting goals, identifying actions to reach them then executing.

 

Funnily enough, I tried some cognitive therapy techniques the first time I seriously tried to end the A. It sort of worked, but maybe my heart wasn't in it then.

 

So, to begin, what is your goal?

 

Are you only seeking to end the A?

Or do you wish to improve "the M"?

 

It seems like, based on what you have written, that you wish to simply end the A.

 

Ending the A is definitely the goal. Honestly, as sad as this is to say, there's not much more I can do to improve my marriage. With the exceptions of my own failings, it's pretty much the perfect one. Or, at least, as close to perfect as humans can get.

 

What ACTIONS can you take to reach that goal?

 

The first is the easiest.

Delete and block. Right now. Do it. Delete every email, text, memento. All of it.

Them block him.

 

Everything's always deleted. He and I are both extremely careful. The blocking I haven't done yet. I have set my phone so I don't get notified if he contacts me, but haven't set it to block AND delete automatically yet.

 

What's preventing you?

 

I could give you lots of answers here. But all of them would sound like excuses. "I need to know if he has a DDay so I can prepare." "What if something happens in our social circle or his life that is totally disastrous, and he's trying to reach me?" They are all lamea** excuses, and I realize and acknowledge this. I supposed what's preventing me is my own weakness, at this point. And my desire for that validation, which I haven't yet stopped craving. Coming here and talking--and reading so many other people's stories--is starting to help though. I think I am about ready to block AND delete.

 

To be honest, NOTHING can truly improve until you take ACTIONS to end the A.

Prevent HIM from reaching out to you.

 

That would be a GREAT start.

 

You're right, of course.

[Artie Lang]

i call this self-preservation. that's all this is about.

[Happyface]

Sleepie,

 

It's like giving up smoking or drinking really. Until you REALLY have the mind set and desire to do it, you will fail.

 

Happyface.

[sleepie]

Only you can break the cycle and until you really are ready, you will continue to engage in the affair.

 

Maybe the best thing that could happen to you is your H discovering your deceit. Maybe it will take losing him for you to 'wake up' and realize what you are doing. I hope it doesn't come to that, but since you seem to 'enjoy' the cycles and games, until you truly grow up and end it, things will continue on as before.

 

Although I appreciate the sentiment, I'll say this: I HAVE broken the cycle. When I posted this a few days ago, I was definitely at a low point. The tides have turned. Hopefully permanently. I'm working very hard at making it permanent, and I think I am moving in the right direction.

 

I do wish that some of the detractors here will please try to remember that this is often a process. Despite many of us having desires to "do the right thing," there is a tug-of-war of emotions that we must engage in before we win the battle. Sometimes we're on the winning side. Sometimes we're on the losing side. The important thing is to keep fighting and keeping moving forward to the ultimate goal of being free. Support during this battle is always useful and helpful, so we don't feel alone. Otherwise, that desperate alone feeling can send us right back to the one thing we want to avoid--breaking NC--because we need some type of understanding connection.