Feel second best to my boyfriend's ex plus no photos on facebook of us

[Manu83]

I have been with my boyfriend for a year now and things are going well, he's very affectionate and lovely to me but I am so hung up over his ex. I am afraid we started seeing eachother when he was still with his ex; although they had already planned they would not be staying together as she would be moving back to France, they were still living together. But they are definitely over now.

 

Anyway, so things are going well, however I cannot get over the fact there are so many photos of the two of them on facebook, on holiday or just out and about - some albums my boyfriend has put up and some photos put up by others. A couple of months of seeing eachother, we went away to Spain where I tried to take a few photos of us, but he was like "No, put the camera away" because he felt shy. Well, a few months later, I found out it was because he didn't want to upset his ex in case I put the photos up on facebook. (I understand this, but why not just tell me that at the time??)

 

So we went away again recently - ten days in Morocco. Well...he was very trigger happy with the camera this time. I was a melodramatic woman, stating I would take pictures but not to worry as they wouldn't go up on facebook due to last time. He told me I was being an idiot and that he would be taking loads of pictures and be putting them up.

 

Well he certainly took photos, but not put any up on facebook, and it's been a couple of weeks. I just feel he is SO all talk and he is very clever in making out as though he's doing something when he's not.

 

I hate the fact that he is in regular contact with this ex and their photos are there in my face on facebook yet none of myself and him. Am I over-reacting? What should I do??? I'm at a loss and feel so upset. I know I should just get over it because he loves me, and a lot of people think facebook is silly, but how can I when he regularly goes on facebook and in these modern times when facebook is such a big thing, how can I get over it? I WANT him to out photos up of us!!

[LonelyInsomniac]

Your boyfriend is still making his ex priority - he's choosing to accommodate his ex's jealousy rather than his current girlfriend's desire to openly be a part of his life.

 

It sounds like he's either A: still with her, or B: trying to make certain getting back with her is still an option.

 

Do you end up on the backburner with any other issues? Does the ex know about you?

 

It sounds like they left each other involuntarily, but it also sounds like he cheated on her.

 

Hate to say it, but this has all the hallmarks of a rebound relationship at best. Sometimes they work out... but only if the rebounder is actually looking to move on from their last relationship.

[newmoon]

facebook is silly, yes, at least a very silly way to judge your relationship. really. you're relying too much on facebook to determine the status of your relationship. is this guy in your bed every night? is he making calls to the ex or not? visiting her? talking about her? if it's nothing more than photos just be strong and let that go - don't you have treasured memories and photos of an ex bf and the time you spent together somplace? france is really romantic - maybe it was his first trip there and the photos just remind him of france and not necessarily her? and if he and she are not even in the same country what is the concern?? just post your on phots if it's that important to you, or better yet, quit checking facebook and work on the in-person part of the relationship with your bf

[MissBee]

I don't practice putting pictures of who I'm dating on Facebook...just because it is simply too awkward if and when you break up to have to worry about deleting pics or not upsetting your ex and all the rest. So I personally don't do FB relationship statuses or put up "couple photos".

 

In any case...I think some red flags are here. You may be your bf's rebound. If he and his ex only broke up because she had to move, then it is very possible that he still has feelings for her and just didn't want to be single when she left so got you to fill right in. However he clearly prioritizes her feelings before yours when he didn't want to upset her by putting up photos of you two, even though you wanted it. Which boyfriend prioritizes their ex's feelings before their current partner's? Even if you and your ex are friends, I think when you have a new partner, your ex should be in the "normal friends" pile---they don't get a say or get their feelings prioritized and if you're a FB person, then they don't get center stage on your page. Yet it seems this ex of his does. When my ex and I broke up he did something like this and it was quite unfortunate for the girl, as it was apparent that she was just a prop in his life --she existed as his gf in title but he was still into me and a lot of his behavior showed that he didn't care that much about her or losing her and didn't care to prioritize her that much. Your story immediately reminded me of that to be honest.

 

You've been together for a year and he still has all these pictures up of her and him and none of you...that is indeed strange (esp if you've made a fuss about it), coupled with the fact that he and his ex talk all the time. Something doesn't seem right. I agree with the poster who says he's still into her or is setting everything up, where you are downplayed, so that he can get back together if the opportunity presents. Think about it, it would be so easy to get back with her as her pictures are still up and for all intents and purposes she still seems like the lady in his life. He wouldn't even have to delete your pics or anything, as none exist. If you feel backstage to the ex....you should listen to your feelings. I think you should casually ask him one day how he feels about his ex...and see his response. Be more observant and trust your feelings about whether or not there is more going on between him and his ex than just friendship. I've never dated a man and had to worry about his ex, as it was quite obvious that they were completely into me, I didn't even know much about their ex and certainly didn't feel insecure because they spoke to her all the time, had pictures up etc. If I felt that way I'd think something was very wrong.

Edited July 19, 2012 by MissBee

[Manu83]

They ended things because I think there was never anything really sexual in it but I have asked him more than once if they broke up because university was ending and she was moving away, which he always denies and says there is nothing between them two at all now. I don't know how to approach the photo issue without sounding immature and ridiculous.

[veggirl]

They ended things because I think there was never anything really sexual in it but I have asked him more than once if they broke up because university was ending and she was moving away, which he always denies and says there is nothing between them two at all now. I don't know how to approach the photo issue without sounding immature and ridiculous.

 

"I find it weird that you have photos of your ex all over facebook but won't put any on there of the 2 of us. Whether you think that is ridiculous or not, it's how I feel. It makes me really uncomfortable and it really bothers me."

 

Fact is he could have pics of her saved on his computer--that's fine. but to have them splashed all over FB...no.

[MissBee]

"I find it weird that you have photos of your ex all over facebook but won't put any on there of the 2 of us. Whether you think that is ridiculous or not, it's how I feel. It makes me really uncomfortable and it really bothers me."

 

Fact is he could have pics of her saved on his computer--that's fine. but to have them splashed all over FB...no.

 

Yes that is a great way of asking...and if he cares about you and values your feelings, he will take your concerns seriously.

 

How would he feel if you had your exes pics all over a public venue like FB, but none of you and him?

 

Social media changes society and it's still new, but it does change how the world operates and is legitimate. If jobs recruit or decide to hire or fire based on FB, needless to say, there is some aspects of it that clues you in on a person and is taken seriously. So if your bf is someone who uses FB, and uses it to display his life, and you are his gf and are supposed to be an important part of it and he displays his ex and not you...then that is a problem; whether other people think FB is "serious" or not is irrelevant. I don't display pics of the man I'm seeing on FB...I never have. So my guy wouldn't find me not putting up his pictures anything weird...it's only weird, like in your bf's case, when he seems to have no issues doing it, even says he will do it...then doesn't...but has up his ex's pics.

 

True story: about 2 years ago a married man tried to talk to me. I met him at my school's library, we were talking about research, he told me he was married etc, we exchanged FB info and I added him. After adding him I noticed that he had no pictures of him and his wife, no status about him being married and for all intents and purposes seemed single. I thought it was a bit odd but tried not to read into how he had pics of his travels and all kinds of pics but absolutely none of his wife. I had a mutual friend with the wife and saw her page and her profile was of her and him, she had their wedding photos up, she had the status with him tagged saying she was married and no one going on her page could mistake her for a single woman. Long story short, I later learned he had me on limited/restricted profile because he wanted to portray that he was unattached and downplay his wife to me, to serve his purpose when he tried to flirt with me and get me into an affair with him. That said, if you feel it's odd it's probably odd and how people use FB can reveal a lot about them and their motives. So it can indeed be a red flag and "serious" concern in a relationship when someone chooses to use FB in certain ways.

Edited July 20, 2012 by MissBee