gf broke up with me right before engagement.

[antelope82]

I cant believe this happened to me. I never saw this coming at all, but a few weeks ago I had just wrapped up engagement ring shopping with my girlfriend and even her mom came (flying in from CA) to look at it. We picked it out together after 2 months of shopping around for the right setting and the right stone, and finally paid for it. She then went on a trip to her grandma's funeral, came back, and on the way back she met a guy sitting next to her and they apparently struck a conversation and somehow exchanged numbers and she started texting him back and forth. She told me about him but I didn't think too much of it because I trusted her, and she also gave me confidence and said she doesnt think its wrong for her to talk to other guys she meets. Whatever. Ya. I thought so too. WRONG? I dont know. Two days later, the day I was going to go pick up the ring we ordered, she broke up with me!!!

 

She claimed that we werent right for each other, that she needed independence, and we couldnt communicate. We lived together for 2 years and known each other for 11. I understood we had some miscommunications in the past, but I always thought, and still thought we could work on it. More on this later. The whole independence thing stems from a couple things. First, I'm a pretty stable guy, who has a good career, makes a good salary, already owns a house we lived in, lives very comfortably, and a pretty good, affluent lifestyle. She, on the other hand, has a degree from college she doesnt use, has bounced from job to job making just a bit more than minimum wage, and is still looking for what makes her click in life. We got together after she moved back here and hung out for a couple months and talked everyday, night and day and one day we just hooked up and started dating. 2 years later, this happened.

 

She claimed that she had nothing going on with the guy, that he was just someone she met, but it opened her eyes to the fact that there were other people out there. She claimed we had nothing in common, yet we have alot in common, and we did so many things we enjoyed together to fill our time with many more that we had planned. I just don't really understand. There were no signs that she was going to break up with me. The same morning, she brought up ideas on where our wedding should be, and how it should look like, and by the evening, she wanted to kill it off.

 

She had also been recently hanging out with her new co-workers at work. One of them was depressed in her marriage and wanted to divorce (without even trying too hard), and then 6 other girls she works and talks to daily all broke up with their boyfriends within the 2 weeks before she broke up with me. Another one broke up with her bf 2 days after us. CRAZY?!

 

Her parents love me too. That hurts alot. They've contacted me a few times by email to see how I am doing and that they pray for me and for her.

 

Moving on, she starts moving her stuff back to her condo one by one, and eventually shes on her last few boxes. I told her we can't talk anymore. This is hurting me more and you made this decision to end it so let me move on then. She contacts me again several hours later, and then constantly over the course of the day, and I ignore it all until she just arrives at my house as I'm putting her stuff away in boxes for her. She gets pissed and drives off. She finally calls later and I just vent off all my issues I had with her, and the whole deal that she's confiding her feelings with some random dude who doesnt even know us instead of just talking to me about it.

 

Anyway, I tell her to get her stuff out and on the last day she grabs her stuff, she ends up bringing more stuff over. More clothes and wants me to help pick out an outfit for her for this important interview she has the next day, which is true. I cared about her a lot and figured I'd help her even if we were broken up because I thought she just had cold feet or whatever. But anyway, we ended up sleeping together again, and over the course of the week. It was just like old times, except we were having fun and happy. I made some changes to the way I communicated with her after reading some relationship books that she refused and refuses to read, and we never argued and had some fun "date" type nights. Unfortunately, she still thinks we should just be friends, so I told her this can't happen anymore. I need space. You need space, etc.

 

She packs her stuff the next morning, crying and I left for work. I came back and she had left her toothbrush, a few other things, and some cat food (we have 4 shared pets that we had to split up). I told her Im going to bring them over that night. I didnt want her to find a way to stay over so I had to just do it myself. I came over and she was crying and looked stressed and sad. I tried to comfort her but still kept my distance. She cried and said a few things like "I dont know what I am doing," and "what if this is a mistake?" and then at one point, she asked me, "would you even take me back later?" At that point, I just said, "I dont know. Maybe or maybe not but I cant answer that now. I need space to think about it and you do too. We just cant do this forever because its going to hurt someone even more in the end if we continue."

 

Anyway, I tried to comfort her and said that everything will be ok. You're stressed out but just take things slowly and one thing at a time and it'll work itself out. I worry about you but I know you'll figure out what you want in life and you'll be happy someday. Stuff like that. I really meant it. She means alot to me, and I wanted to share my life with her and I gave her everything. It just sucks really bad to see it go away.

 

I dont really know what to do now or what she is feeling. I dont even know what I'd do if she wanted to come back. She has to regain some of my trust because of her actions and i think i'd have to make some changes. I think we'd have to definitely go to relationship counseling because I had wanted to, her parents wanted us to, and many of my friends who are in good strong relationships highly recommended it. It was something that she didnt want to do but I would think she should if not for us, but just for herself individually. Heck, maybe I should too.

 

Ugh. It's terribly depressing on me right now, but I'm trying to regain strength to do my normal things. I've been keeping myself busy, hiking, skydiving, going out ALOT, and spending a lot of time talking to friends and family. I just wish this never happened but at the same time, I guess things happen for a reason.

[DMS]

Sorry to hear. My ex left just as I was 1 paycheck away from buying the engagement ring I wanted to get her. She told me that she started to have feelings for a male friend of hers and that it made her realize that maybe she didnt love me aqs much anymore. It was rough for a while as she didnt move out of the apartment we shared for 3 weeks, all the while chatting with her new boyfriend who lived 1500 miles away. I know right now it hurts alot, however at least you are not going through this after the marraige. The people here on LS have been extremely helpful in my healing process and I trust you will find the same.

[antelope82]

Ya, my situation is similar where this guy lives 2000 miles away and they've only met each other once for 1.5 hours. I don't know if that's the real reason she broke up with me but it's coincidental. She claims that there's nothing going to happen between them, but they still talk/text every so often.

 

I think the worst part of this has been the fact that she talks about our relationship to her friends who are all feeling down/bitter/anger whatever towards their ex-bfs and this random guy, who potentially compromised her emotions, and she didn't even give us a chance to talk before she just ended it all. It feels so unfair.

 

She's been fairly open with me, and says she cares/loves me and wants us to be best friends. I just don't want that. I want it all or nothing. If I tried to be friends with her, I'll just set myself up for heartache again, and probably even harder than now.

 

She kept saying I was too comfortable and everything was so good and easy. And all of this stuff. Basically everything that I wanted her to do on her own, she got mad and wanted to do everything together -- hence smothering each other, or clinging, and now she realizes she doesnt want that anymore. But she wants to do it without me, even though I stuck through with her for 2 years getting her to where she's at now.

[antelope82]

I'm reading into things too much too, and I have to let that go. But the things she does is so confusing. The night I came over to drop off her last items, and she was on an emotional trip, I walked into her bedroom and noticed that she cleaned up her entire room and moved stuff around. The weird thing was she had kept this shadow box picture frame that I made for her a while back on one of our anniversaries which had photos of us and a couple stuffed animals (we used to get each other penguin/panda gifts to represent us). She not only had kept it on the shelf, but she moved it to the center of it. Is she also committing emotional suicide?

[whywhy]

Wow antelope, after reading your story my jaw dropped in complete mirror image of what is happening to me. Every single detail, Except mine ex

Doesn't have anyone knew. I had the ring that we picked out and she would talk about marriage up to the day we broke up. My ex hates to open up and it so confusing to me. I can't grasp a women who you are with for 5 years and talk about marriage, move to her state, change careers to be home more can all of a sudden just change. It really kills me inside.

[flitzanu]

hopefully you can refund that ring.

 

and trust me, there's more going on than she's admitting. save yourself the heartache of chasing her and all the lies you're going to get, and just cut her from your life as quickly as possible.

[antelope82]

I was able to refund the stone but not the setting and wedding band she picked, so right now i'm out $7000 until I figure out what I want to do with this. she asked me shortly after breaking up if she could buy it off of me (with what money?) and use it later... i said I have no idea if i'd want that or not. i'm gonna take a huge hit selling it, but she said she'd help or pay the difference. how's that going to work if i dont plan on talking to her?

 

i have a few questions. we had 3 dogs and a kitten together. we raised a puppy for over a year and its scared of everything and only gets along with the kitten she grew up with and her dog, which she had before we dated. we also had adopted another dog together (adopted on V-Day of all times). Anyway, we have a vet appt scheduled together for a couple of the dogs in a month, and now I'm thinking I should just cancel it and schedule them separately. Its hard because I really want to see how shes doing and all of that, and to see the dogs i left because we had a great bond.

 

the second thing is, her mom JUST emailed me again. Her dad is a pastor and her mom is a counselor, and they really liked me and we spent so many times together when they visited or i visited them. They have been emailing me with genuine care and asking how i am doing and to keep praying for myself and for her. it's tough because i don't know what to reply back. they also said they want to visit me next time they come up, and that may be in a month or two. i want to see them again, but i'm not sure i'm ready either.

 

waking up in the morning the past couple nights since i started NC has been rough. the last dream i have is seeing us get back together and being happy again and then I get up and get reality check that its just a dream and nothing else. and then i'm sad until i get myself to leave my house.

[flitzanu]

I was able to refund the stone but not the setting and wedding band she picked, so right now i'm out $7000 until I figure out what I want to do with this. she asked me shortly after breaking up if she could buy it off of me (with what money?) and use it later... i said I have no idea if i'd want that or not. i'm gonna take a huge hit selling it, but she said she'd help or pay the difference. how's that going to work if i dont plan on talking to her?

 

i have a few questions. we had 3 dogs and a kitten together. we raised a puppy for over a year and its scared of everything and only gets along with the kitten she grew up with and her dog, which she had before we dated. we also had adopted another dog together (adopted on V-Day of all times). Anyway, we have a vet appt scheduled together for a couple of the dogs in a month, and now I'm thinking I should just cancel it and schedule them separately. Its hard because I really want to see how shes doing and all of that, and to see the dogs i left because we had a great bond.

 

the second thing is, her mom JUST emailed me again. Her dad is a pastor and her mom is a counselor, and they really liked me and we spent so many times together when they visited or i visited them. They have been emailing me with genuine care and asking how i am doing and to keep praying for myself and for her. it's tough because i don't know what to reply back. they also said they want to visit me next time they come up, and that may be in a month or two. i want to see them again, but i'm not sure i'm ready either.

 

waking up in the morning the past couple nights since i started NC has been rough. the last dream i have is seeing us get back together and being happy again and then I get up and get reality check that its just a dream and nothing else. and then i'm sad until i get myself to leave my house.

 

i'm glad you're going NC. her offering to pay for the ring? that's just stupid, she's showing her guilt. paying you off isn't making up for her being fickle.

 

it sucks that you're losing on the ring dude, but keep her hands away from it. that's possibly one of the biggest insults i've read about her wanting it to "possibly use it in the future". is that what you want? her to have a ring that you'd chosen to symbolize your lives, and she seems to think so little of that?

 

yes, split up your vet appointments, and DO NOT check on her to see how she's doing. i will warn you right now, she will ALWAYS be doing better than you, that's just how the dumpers always appear to be. you're not going to feel better about knowing she's just fine and you're upset.

 

also recommend dropping contact with her family. i'd worry that you're using any lingering connection as a connection to her, and you don't want that.

[antelope82]

trust me, my first thoughts when she said that was "wtf?"

 

we got this as a symbol of our love and she wants to reuse it later? if anything its bad karma.

 

she kept saying she didnt think i was experienced enough in relationships but the more i think about it, i think shes the one who has no idea what shes doing. she once showed me a breakup letter from one of her ex's, a guy i knew, and it haunts me now because he basically said the same thing in not as kind words.

 

I will probably make a decision on the vet thing in a couple weeks and call them and schedule seperately without telling her.

[flitzanu]

trust me, my first thoughts when she said that was "wtf?"

 

we got this as a symbol of our love and she wants to reuse it later? if anything its bad karma.

 

she kept saying she didnt think i was experienced enough in relationships but the more i think about it, i think shes the one who has no idea what shes doing. she once showed me a breakup letter from one of her ex's, a guy i knew, and it haunts me now because he basically said the same thing in not as kind words.

 

I will probably make a decision on the vet thing in a couple weeks and call them and schedule seperately without telling her.

 

go through and read stories from others about breakups. she's pulling the same crap everyone else does, she's trying to find excuses and make up reasons instead of just being forward about it.

 

right now, don't pay attention to anything she's telling you as far as "blame" is concerned. saying you're "not experienced enough" is a load of crap.

 

think of it this way, and yes it sucks dude, it really does, but what it boils down to, is she just doesn't want to be together. chances are very high that there's zero you could have done to prevent this, at least once you found out how she felt, so don't beat yourself up about it and certainly don't let her try to drag you down about any of it being "your fault".

 

it's not as easy as it seems, that people just "don't want to be together", but that's what it truly boils down to. if both people want it, it will work. as soon as one stops, the relationship breaks.

[antelope82]

I have been skimming through a lot of the other posts around here, and it does make me feel better than I'm not the only one experiencing this, and it's eerie how similar other people's situations are to mine. thanks!

 

swingers quotes come in handy now and then.

[antelope82]

I found a bunch of random stuff that belonged to her while cleaning my house today and I put it in a bag. I was thinking of texting her and telling her to grab it, but I decided that I wanted it out of here so I just got in my car, drove over to her place and left it at her doorstep with a short simple message saying something like "Hi, this is your stuff that I found and left in this bag. Take care of yourself."

 

Was this the right thing to do? I felt a lot better doing it like this, than to have it hanging around in my house or having her come by to grab it.

[antelope82]

I know i'm just mostly posting to myself as I'm taking this as a pseudo journal, but man, after spending all night reading through a lot of stories and therapeutic things, i was knocked on the head when i read about GIGS.

 

Holy crap. The posts about GIGS on this forum and some other sites is dead on to the T what happened in my relationship. I wish I knew about this but I have no regrets so far especially after reading it, because we had great memories.

 

She was in and out of several short to long term relationships, had not discovered herself, has been bouncing job to job, did an art degree in college that she never used, was sheltered by her religious old school family (dad is a pastor), and never really lived out on her own much until more recently, but never held much responsibility for her actions, and she always thought others were wrong and hardly ever blamed herself for mistakes or actions.

 

And then she started talking with a new guy, who's opposite of me. She mentioned during our post-breakup communication phase that she wanted to go out partying more (we went out a lot but she said she wanted to do it solo so that she can...), meet new guys, find someone different than me, see what else is out there, all of those things, which I, at the time, just said WTF? Really? But now I understand.

 

Shes 29, so a late bloomer I guess but works in a job with mostly younger 20 somethings who go out a lot more and have also been in and out of short/mid-length relationships, and recently started hanging out with them a lot. The ones that say she's crazy are the ones that are in stable, long committed relationships.

 

Man, this makes me feel a worlds better just to know that I'm just not going crazy here. This GIGS thing can be totally made up, but it makes a lot of sense now looking back, and that will certainly help me move on.

Edited July 20, 2012 by antelope82

[whywhy]

Antelope what is this gigs thing you're talking about...

[subhankar]

I know i'm just mostly posting to myself as I'm taking this as a pseudo journal, but man, after spending all night reading through a lot of stories and therapeutic things, i was knocked on the head when i read about GIGS.

 

Holy crap. The posts about GIGS on this forum and some other sites is dead on to the T what happened in my relationship. I wish I knew about this but I have no regrets so far especially after reading it, because we had great memories.

 

She was in and out of several short to long term relationships, had not discovered herself, has been bouncing job to job, did an art degree in college that she never used, was sheltered by her religious old school family (dad is a pastor), and never really lived out on her own much until more recently, but never held much responsibility for her actions, and she always thought others were wrong and hardly ever blamed herself for mistakes or actions.

 

And then she started talking with a new guy, who's opposite of me. She mentioned during our post-breakup communication phase that she wanted to go out partying more (we went out a lot but she said she wanted to do it solo so that she can...), meet new guys, find someone different than me, see what else is out there, all of those things, which I, at the time, just said WTF? Really? But now I understand.

 

Shes 29, so a late bloomer I guess but works in a job with mostly younger 20 somethings who go out a lot more and have also been in and out of short/mid-length relationships, and recently started hanging out with them a lot. The ones that say she's crazy are the ones that are in stable, long committed relationships.

 

Man, this makes me feel a worlds better just to know that I'm just not going crazy here. This GIGS thing can be totally made up, but it makes a lot of sense now looking back, and that will certainly help me move on.

 

Antelope, similar kinda thing happened to me last week. We were in a long distance relationship and she was the one who worked extra hard for a marital commitment. She introduced me to her family also for taking the next steps last time we were together. But sometimes she would waver, which I could feel. Then she broke up last week, saying that she fell out of love with me as I was away from her. Initially I was devastated and was looking everywhere trying to explain what happened. She was a student and never had to take any responsibilities while I have a good job and relocating ultra quickly isn't an option for me at least not before marriage.

 

The fact is its a good thing that these happened in the not-so-late phase. When you analyze them a bit, you realize the love of your life wasn't such a great person after all. She was great because you overlooked all her follies and all her characteristics that you didn't like. In that way, its a good thing that this type of relationship didn't translate to a marriage. A divorce later can cause much more than an engagement ring, both emotionally and financially.

[antelope82]

Antelope what is this gigs thing you're talking about...

 

Grass is Greener Syndrome or Grass is Always Greener Syndrome.

[antelope82]

Grass is Greener Syndrome or Grass is Always Greener Syndrome.

 

Broke NC after a few days. She freakin drove home drunk, and told me about it. Then I texted her, dont be stupid next time, i dont want to see you dead. Then she called and I picked up to make sure she was ok, and to tell her to not do it. UGH. Also just told her that I wont be around to support you next time you're doing something dumb and need someone to care for you, even if its just through the phone.

 

I know she's probably lonely because im not there to be with her, but man, it would suck infinitely-times worst if she didnt come home alive either.

[antelope82]

Gibson, yes, I've read alot about GIGS on this forum and other places too. It seems to have nailed everything in my story to a T. It sucks but it helps me realize that I need to move on. I think despite the fact that basically ends any hopes of getting back together, it does make my moving on phase easier. Or I hope it does.

 

I'm 29, turning 30 soon, so you're right. There's no reason to wait around, and nor do I want to. I got all my partying and waste of timeness out of my system in college, while she didn't get a chance to because of bad relationships she was in and strict parents. I realize that. Sad.

 

I've been going out a lot lately, and last night I went to a club. I mean, I go to clubs once a month or two, but usually hit the bar and food/drink scene, and man, last night was the first time, I really, really felt too old for it. I always felt old to a certain degree the past couple of years, but last night, I came to realization that this scene isn't the one I want to meet girls in anymore despite the fact that the group I was in was in my age group.

[flitzanu]

I found a bunch of random stuff that belonged to her while cleaning my house today and I put it in a bag. I was thinking of texting her and telling her to grab it, but I decided that I wanted it out of here so I just got in my car, drove over to her place and left it at her doorstep with a short simple message saying something like "Hi, this is your stuff that I found and left in this bag. Take care of yourself."

 

Was this the right thing to do? I felt a lot better doing it like this, than to have it hanging around in my house or having her come by to grab it.

 

yes and no. it's awesome that you took initiative to actually avoid contact about "hey come get this stuff" and let it drag on for weeks by just gathering it and dropping it off.

 

however, only problem is that could be considered stalker-ish by even going near her place, even though it wasn't your intention. just be mindful that it could potentially be thrown in your face for "creepin on her place".

[antelope82]

yes and no. it's awesome that you took initiative to actually avoid contact about "hey come get this stuff" and let it drag on for weeks by just gathering it and dropping it off.

 

however, only problem is that could be considered stalker-ish by even going near her place, even though it wasn't your intention. just be mindful that it could potentially be thrown in your face for "creepin on her place".

 

hmm didnt think like that but I doubt she'd feel that way. I knew her for 8+ years before we started dating, so she knew what kind of person I am.

[flitzanu]

hmm didnt think like that but I doubt she'd feel that way. I knew her for 8+ years before we started dating, so she knew what kind of person I am.

 

that all changes now

 

trust me, she'll throw you under the bus in a minute if she catches the notion. i say this because i've had similar things happen from girls who knew better, but to save face and make me the enemy to her friends, she'd point out the "crazy" stuff i did.

 

just be mindful of how things could be perceived before doing them:)

[antelope82]

thanks for the words of warning.

 

we've stayed in limited contact over the weekend because our dogs are having some issues. she said she wants to go seek help, i.e. psychotherapy, and has mentioned on a few times relationship couples counseling. Sighs.

 

buckling myself in for a rollercoaster.

[antelope82]

The rollercoaster is hoping to come to an end.

 

Its been a long time since I posted back on this thread but I feel like I want to post something to help others.

 

No contact. please just do it. In my situation, I had limited contact and it worked for a time period but it got bad again, and it's on and off for me on how I feel. Now I made a decision to just stop being around her and stop doing anything with her.

 

So quick summary of what I've been doing:

break up. crazy month after that.

started no contact a few times and broke it off, always end up fighting.

went on a lot of travel for work, which helps!!

went on vacation to visit an old friend (female) -- really upset the ex, oh well!

went on a week of going out every day for 9 days with friends just for fun. -- ex stayed in limited contact and got really jealous. lol.

finally, saw ex after 6 weeks of not, and started hanging out/sleeping again (TERRIBLE IDEA)

got angry at her life choices and kicked her out of my house.

sent alot of emails/texts to her telling her that she's making awful decisions in her life, she needs to be more responsible, take care of the pets we had together, etc.

didnt talk to her for 2 weeks.

 

she needed me to take care of our cat this weekend so i reluctantly said yes. she came over and told me all this stuff she's been doing (and the only reason I can think of that she tells me this stuff is because she wants me to be jealous) and all i can say is... wow, your life sucks. her co-workers say she's lowered her standards for herself and she doesnt know why they say that, and all i can say is I agree with them.

 

she's gone off the deep end. i asked her, what happened to the girl I used to know? She replied, "she's gone."

 

Well good luck with your new terrible sucky version 2.0 person, who doesn't stand up for anything you believe in anymore and sets double standards for yourself, and has no care for self-respect, dignity, and any care for anything you once praised.

 

 

Anyway, I started getting a little emo about how she's doing all these things with another dude she doesnt even care about (a fun relationship) that we promised each other we would do, but didnt always have the time for. She finally got a job that gives her time off and a normal 8-5 schedule and all this and that. irony bites.

 

I basically told her, I am having no fun while being with you, and i dont want to be your friend. She texted me back, "but we can still do things together..."

 

I just replied, in shorter terms, it's not worth it. no point. wasting my time when I can do other things with someone who actually cares and I can feel comfortable opening up to and trust.

 

Anyway, after this break up I realized how much more time I have to do the things I wanted to do but held back. Been going to concerts again like I used, gone back to doing hiking, went skydiving, going out more often with my friends, reconnecting with old friends, traveling more, finally bought the car that I wanted (and she didnt), started working out more seriously again, etc etc.

 

life isnt bad.

[moveONorStay]

Good for you!

 

Sounds like its been a horrific few months but definitely shows you are better off without the drama!

[antelope82]

Good for you!

 

Sounds like its been a horrific few months but definitely shows you are better off without the drama!

 

Ya. I actually mentioned "i dont want any more of this drama" in my last, hopefully last, text to her for a (long) while.

 

It's annoying that she gets all jealous when she scrapes out what my plans are for things, like halloween or travels, or whatever and then she starts to feel left out. You're left out for a reason. Deal with it.

 

Anyway, cheers.