Complicated

[Lelouche]

I dated a girl for 3 years, and we were engaged for one year. Due to work and studies we couldn't always live together, my work involves being stationed overseas (social researcher, not military) for long periods of time. During the last year I was distant and sometimes cold, I was way too busy with work, learning the language, and I know I was not the most caring or present partner during the last four months of our relationship. One day she talked about how we had problems communicating, and that I was not as loving as I used to be, and she wanted to break up. I was confused, but also guilty, I tried to talk to her. One week after that, she called me and apologized, she wanted us to get back together. A couple of days after that, she calls me again, but now she gives me an ultimatum, either I permanently move to the states, or we break up. I love my work, and I don't know what I would do full time in the states, I wanted to talk things out, to reach a compromise, to finish this 1 year research project, and I could try to find a job there. But she wouldn't budge. So we broke up, after four years. I wasn't angry, and I didn't hate her. But I needed distance, her name, her presents, everything reminded me of her, and it hurt. The first two months after the break up I was wretched. But I closed my facebook account, deleted my pictures of her, and stashed away her pictures and gifts that I had with me. Little by little the pain decreased. A couple of times in this period I felt the desire to be with someone else, just to not feel lonely. But I know that fear of loneliness is not a good basis for a relationship, so I mourned on my own, knowing that someday later I would be ready. She emails me three months after the break up, apologizing again, and asking that we talk, try to figure out where we went wrong in the relationship. At first I was not convinced we could work out, and we emailed amicably for a while. Finally I became convinced that yes, we could talk, we could solve our issues, this break up had been a good opportunity for us to share our fears and complaints. I was again attaching myself to the idea of loving her. And I shared this experience with a friend, and he just looked me in the eye, and told me that since he still had facebook, he knew that she started a relationship with someone roughly two weeks after we broke up. And that she was still in a relationship at the time.

I don't know quite well how to deal with this. I thought that a four year relationship deserved a longer mourning period. I could deal with her sleeping with other people, with her making out with someone, but not a relationship so soon. And that she would write to me while in that relationship. And it is awful because I spent the worst two months of my life trying to get over her, and now I feel like it starts anew, I again miss her, think of her, and constantly question her actions. I try not to, but if I'm not busy thoughts pop into my head, why so soon? Was she cheating on me? I did think that for a second when we broke up, because she brought up a myriad of arguments for us to break up over during two weeks. But I still don't hate her, I'm angry, I feel betrayed, I feel stupid. And I feel lonely. Again I think of maybe going out and getting in the dating scene again, but I am not over her, I still hurt, I still think of her, and I can't really imagine being intimate with another woman as of right now. And strangely it feels good to vent this, to share this.

Any suggestions for dealing with these feelings? Breaking up after four years, knowing she is in a relationship, feeling betrayed, feeling used.

[AlexanderJames]

Welcome to the forum, joining up here has been one of the most beneficial things I've ever done.

 

Heres's where to go from here. Sorry for the novel but I'm feeling helpful today

 

All you can do in regards to dealing with feelings is just that. Deal with them. You're gonna feel them no matter what you do. Just let your body feel everything, and identify what you are feeling, is it sadness, anger, resentment, guilt. You're going to feel a lot of them. Dont fight them, let them come and let them go... It's not easy putting up with them while they hang around but it's really all you can do. You cant force a feeling away no matter how hard you try. So be patient with yourself.

 

And as for dealing with the now, and getting direction. The single best thing you could possibly do right now is to get the hell out of it. It doesnt have to be permanetly, but for now you have to focus on YOU. In time you will decide that you either you want this girl back, you want to be friends, or you want her gone for good. But you cant achieve any of these until you've sorted yourself out first.

 

So the best thing to do from here, is to cut out every aspect of this woman from your life. Dont see her, talk to her, dont have any contact at all. No txts, emails nothing. (Its really easy for me and anyone else here to write this but we know its hard trust us. It's necessary though) Cut contact with her family, her friends, anyone that can link you to seeing or hearing about / from her. Everything she's given you, and things that remind you of her. Either throw em out, or box them up and hide them. Out of sight out of mind.

 

It's not easy, but cutting off all aspects of this person from your life is the single best way for you to allow yourself the time and space to process your thoughts quickly and with minimal stress. As you come to terms with your life, whats happened and where you want to go you'll start piecing everything together and figuring it all out. Don't rack your brain with what if's or whens or whys all that does is cause more unnecessary stress. ALL of these answers are figured out in your own time. When you are ready. Time heals all, remember that cause it really is true.

 

If you feel like your sturggling or going to crack or cant handle things, come and post everything on here. You said it makes you feel better venting. So do it whenever you feel down. If you have an urge to call this woman for whatever reason, stop yourself and write it here instead.

 

Acceptance, patience, determination, self improvement and seeking the support of people like us on this website. These are the keys to getting back on your feet. Everything else falls into place in its own time.

Edited July 19, 2012 by AlexanderJames