FRIENDS I Am Absolutely In Love With My Ex Do I Have A Chance Or Did I Muck This Up?

[cyrus9]

Me and my ex-gf had been in an official LDR for 1 year and we've known each other for almost 2. Anyway we had 2 summers together that were amazing, fell in love, were the best summers of my life so we promised each other that we would spend next summer together and wait the 1 year we had to to see each other again until she can live with me in 2013. We live 6,000 miles apart but speak the same 2 languages and same culture.

 

Anyway this past year July 2011 - July 2012 she had the most brutal school year of her life, intense 8 hour a day studying nearly every school day for a year, she lives in a 3rd world country where like 11% of all people make it into University. So the first 6 or 7 months we had been in constant contact by Skype, email, phone call and texts mostly by email bc her parents are very serious about her studies. We talked about everything, from erotic to our future to movies to daily events to music, etc. Anyway her grades were dropping in January so her father only allowed her to contact me once per week, then after 1 month of this he said no more contact until her semester is over.

 

So we had almost no contact for 4 months, where she was studying like hell and eventually passed and became one of those 11% but didn't do nearly as well as she and her parents expected, she was an A+ student all her life and on the entrance exams got like a B+, so naturally they all blamed me (although never said it I could feel it). So literally 5 days after her semester ends she breaks up with me in a little email with almost no explanation except "Love you as a friend" & "Not ready for a serious relationship", "I didn't know myself" "I'm so young and inexperienced" I call multiple times and email her 4 or 5 times asking her what happened and telling her I love her and I don't understand etc.

 

Now it's 8 days and absolutely no response whatsoever. She has completely cut me out of her life, deactivated her own FB account, still has me on Yahoo IM and Skype and Viber. Worst thing is she waited until the 357th day of our 1 year apart to break up, and I found out from my cousin (her friend) that she had been planning to break up since 4 months ago and I couldn't possibly figure out why. I had been the best bf I could possibly be considering distance. I spent 2 months making her birthday present (she's the creative type who wants presents from the heart not the store), it was a short-story set in mid-evil times that had tons of our relationship secrets and pet names and stuff in it.

 

She absolutely loved it told me she'll remember this for the rest of her life, and that when we're together to always make sth for her birthday, not buy. She said out of all the ppl in her life she won't ever lose me. That being said I also made big mistakes, I did sent some really over-emotional, clingy emails that I would never do in a normal relationship but only bc I really wanted us to feel close bc everyone talks about "communication is huge in a LDR" and my biggest error was to share with her 2 depressing emails in which I was (not too seriously) contemplating suicide, they came across as really serious and I said I wanted to jump out a window or sth. She has depression and has contemplated suicide so I guess she figured she can't be with someone who is the same but I'm not suicidal at all, I had 3 months or so of depression for the first time in my life and I got help and I'm back to me again, have been for months. But before I could explain that to her she cut off all contact and hasn't responded to anything I wrote.

 

I know ultimately it's on me bc I am 24 and she is 18 and I should've showed nothing but strength but I guess I ****ed this one up. The worst part is that emails don't represent REAL life 100%, an email may have been written during a mood swing or whatever and can be easily

misconstrued. Emails always remain though and can be read over and over and I'm guessing (she has never told me) these are the reasons for her decision. I tried explaining how emails don't represent life completely but once women have something in their heads and have made their decision it's almost impossible to change their mind, especially with 6000 miles of distance.

 

I am sure she has bi-polar disorder and has shown it many times, I've asked her to get help but she will only take anti-depressants sometimes. Anyway my overly emotional (tbh too emotional) emails and those 2 depressed emails were only like 5% of all of our conversations during the year but I'm betting that is what did the relationship in. I'm her first ever boyfriend, she's a virgin and had never even kissed a guy before me. The positive is that I did so many romantic and sexy things even from a distance which she praised me for constantly and the fact that she's coming to my country regardless of our breakup and the fact that I've left a huge emotional mark on her brings me hope that we can be together again.

 

I will never make the same mistakes twice by sharing my fcking thoughts with a girl, guys reading this she SAYS she wants you to do that but be very careful what you share bc they will remember and lose respect for you. The thing that sucks is that we are probably going to have little to no contact until 2013 bc of this, today was the last email I sent her. I'm done until she contacts me if that happens. The good thing is that she knows absolutely nobody on the East Coast of the USA and being only 19 that may get her to get in touch with me in which case I can WIN her back in real life the way I did in the summers 2010 and 2011. Real life is where I shine, that's where she fell in love with me twice, where fcking idiotic

decisions over the internet won't happen. I really love this girl and even though I have the urge to contact her I will not at all, if it's meant to be then it will be next year.

 

It sucks that my dumb decisions have messed up our chance to spend this summer together, I'm an optimist. Things can always get better, I did do some damage but maybe she'll eventually see my point about real life =/= emails. Another positive fact is that she had absolutely NO plans to live in the US before I came along, when we we talking she mentioned how I'm the only reason she is coming to the US, she always wanted UK or some other European country, but she has told my cousin she is coming to the US. This gives me hope but I know right now I need to completely back off and give her time.

 

Based on this story is there hope for us to get back together or did I completely **** this relationship up? I'm concerned my suicide and clingy emails have erased her image of a strong, confident person (which I am, had some traumatic things happen that caused my depression but I got help and got better) and made me look weak and needy. Her having to talk me out of my depression/suicidal thoughts was not good to say the least, it didn't make me look good but if a woman is in love will they eventually give the guy another chance?

Edited July 19, 2012 by cyrus9

[salmagundi]

you mucked this up...

 

sorry

[cyrus9]

Can you elaborate for me?

 

I'm genuinely interested.

[dinosaur]

First of all, she's way too young to really understand all of those feelings you were trying to explain to her as she expressed. I really do think it's important for partners to express themselves and I think you're wrong to say you shouldn't share your feelings with a girl - it's just the girl you chose to share your feelings with was someone who was too inexperienced, scared, and confused to have any idea what you were talking about. My guess is that her parents probably told her to stop seeing you and she's going to follow what they say if she's that A+ kind of student and listens to them all the time. She's just a young girl and you're being wayyyyyy too clingy and scary and controlling. If there's any shot of winning her back it's not going to be by being clingy and guilt tripping her with suicide, etc. I think not contacting her was a good decision on your part. I would honestly move on and try to find someone with more experience and maturity to be able to share that closeness with you and help you work through your depression. Is it really worth winning her back if she's obviously not ready to settle down? She's only 18 - you can't expect her to act 25.

 

If you really, really honestly want her back though. Like, I mean not just for "winning" but because you actually want her back off, give her space and be supportive. Don't guilt her, don't manipulate her, don't scare her off. Go slow. Chances are even if you win her back and do everything she wants she won't stay because she's only 18 and she has so much to find out about still and will probably experience love many times over.

[cyrus9]

Thanks for the advice man, I appreciate it.

 

For the record I wasn't that clingy. If "ultimate" clingyness was a 10 and not giving a **** was a 1, I was either a 5 or a 6. And I never tried to guilt her with suicide, my talk about that was unrelated to her. I had other things going on. The good thing is she's in Iran and I know her, she won't have sex with anyone. She doesn't even kiss boys, she was such a prude before she met me. When I first kissed her on the lips, she didn't know what to do. It was cute. She learned fast though. I opened her up a lot, we kissed a lot and other things too. You're advice is spot on. It's so difficult to let her go but I know I have to. She wrote to me today after I emailed her.

 

"hi i hope ur feeling better. dont think me not answering ur

emails and ur phone calls is the sign of not caring about u bc this is

not true im not answering them bc i care sooo much look the thought of

u suffering bothers me sooo f--king much that i cant sleep at nights

all night i keep walking in my room and i cry so hard thinking that u

are being hurt but this is essential for u to move on .none of this is

ur fault plz stop overthinking the truth is my feeling`s

changed and i wanna be ur friend so something in me has changed look

dont take this as a sign of ignorance or me being irresponsible the

truth is i felt responsible to tell u my feelings and dont keep u

waiting. i had a real hard yr im sure u know it and in the end i

didnt do well in my konkur had soo many problems and because of all

these things im really f--ked but the thing that makes me sad as hell

is ur emails is thinking of u hurting i really wanna be there for u

but i know that being in contact with me will make things harder for u

i really wanna ask u to go to a therapist that can help u go through

this time. im really getting sick and im asking u to feel

responsible too putting all ur pressure on me is making me ill.plz if

u feel responsible too talk about these with a thrapist so that he can

u bc i really cant and i cant change anything .i hope u understand me

.know that i can only be ur friend when u accept us as friends and not

more than that.and i really hope that u get through this hard time."

 

Whaddya think?

 

She's right. All I asked for is a final phone call bc I think it's really disrespectful to break up by email especially since she didn't explain much.

After she calls I want to go on NC for 5 months. Then I'll send her birthday message and play it from there.

[salmagundi]

Listen man,

 

You are really heavily in denial over this breakup and you clearly cannot accept that it has been game over for you for a while. I get the impression that you find reason for hope in this email of hers. You need to read it again and pay particular attention to where she tells you that you need to 'move on' that she needs you to accept that you can only be friends, and then only when you stop freaking her out with your clingy obsessive behavior.

 

So why are you talking about '5 months NC' like your still working up a game plan to get her back? Why are you talking about 'playing it from there?' There is nothing to play. This email should be taken as an opportunity to receive closure and accept that the relationship is over and it is time to move on. She ain't comin' back, I'm sorry, but there it is. She said it herself fairly clearly.

 

Go NC and contact her only when you are ready to accept her wish to only be friends. And when you get to that point you will also be ready to find someone else.

[cyrus9]

I'm not in denial, you're under the assumption that she has made the decision herself. Her parents are the ones who forced the breakup, she told me so in email. They told her it's not time and she needs to stay focused on practicing music so she can pass the University audition and be allowed to leave Iran. She's so young right now and living in Iran is absolute hell for a girl. She is still under a ridiculous amount of pressure and has been for a long time, she's lonely too and doesn't have many ppl to talk to. When girls get overwhelmed with pressure and stress they tend to shut down emotionally. She's definitely getting out of that country and most likely coming here (what she told my cousin, she won't go to Europe bc of the language barrier), I know she will get in contact with me then. And at that point like I said I have a shot, a good one. That doesn't mean I'm 100% getting back with her, it means that I have to do NC and live my life and date other girls. What I am telling you is that in summer 2013 she will be here as long as she gets a student visa. And she will, she's excellent at music and that's what she's coming for.

 

You don't know the whole story, a girls first love is special and the things I did were amazing, honestly they were so perfect and awesome that she could never forget them. What you said that I do agree with is to play it cool and NC because this needs to be out of my mind right now.

[cyrus9]

Here's the break up email.

 

hey baby the only reason im saying this in an email and not on the phone is that when we talk on the phone we both get too emotional and most of the times i forget what i have to say through this months of studying and hard work and this months of being apart i have gotten to know myself more and more and i had time to think about my life me you and us im sooooooooo fking sorry im about to say this i wish u could know it.

 

i dont think im ready to be in a serious relationship, my parents won't let me be in one, they say i'm too young for this, that i don't understand how to be with a man yet and i need to focus on practicing so i can go from here. they wont let me be with anyone right now and i love u soo much but as a friend i was unexperienced and there was this one moment that i had my feelings confused i think it was because of the fact that i really love u alot and u were a guy and i needed a friend and from the beginning i felt soooo close to u and it was so easy to talk u unlike the ppl here u are real, u are genuine, i didn't feel like u were just gonna disappear (i always feel that ppl in my life are gonna disappear). u are a great person and the best closest friend i have ever had so far i feel like i can trust u and tell u anything i feel like i can have ur support all the times and im sorry about this its just that i was too young to know what i wanted from life and i didnt know myself well long story short i was naive. my parents told me if i still feel the same way when i leave here then they will let us

 

i would do anything that`s in my power to keep u from getting hurt i know that u are going through a tough time in ur life with all the job applications ur father and all the things going through ur mind and u cant imagine how much i dont wanna add up to ur problems and help u go through them but i know that keeping this from u will lead to u and me getting hurt even worse, i'm breaking inside having to write this, i wanted to spend summer with you more than anything but i have promised u for an honest relationship and i dont wanna break that promise .u dont have any idea how much scared i am about u being hurt about ur voulnarabality. i wish i could take all ur pain and add it to mine instead of u know that whatever WHATEVER that is ur going through im here for u and u got me u can call me anywhere anytime doesnt matter if its 3 am in the morning or im in the middle of a meeting im here to listen and be ur friend .

 

i can understand though if u dont wanna be friends with me and getting in touch with me hurts u so i wont be too selfish to ask eventhough it would be one of the hardest things of my life to lose ur friendship and ur support. i don't wanna lose u i need u to be there for me. it's ur choice if u want to keep me in ur life but know that it would be a shame for me to lose ur friendship and know that even if we wont stay friends ull always be a part of me and ull always ALWAYS be in my heart and u can always come back to me for whatever reason.

 

look i really trully wish that u have THE BEST things in life u have money joy happiness and find precious things find great friends plz dont think that this is the end know that things can always change and we never know the surprises that life may bring us, miracles can happen, plz have hope like i do that this is not the end maybe somewhere in this planet there would be somthing even better there are soo many life opportunities and soo many life altering chances and u`re a good person know that good things happen to good ppl i wish that u find ur way through ur dreams and never go back to ur past and even the hard times come to u always be strong even if u feel weak inside and get the great things in the world by trying to be the great person u can be i know that u are strong enough to make ur way through the hardest times and hardest things and i see that bright day for u i closing my eyes i can see u smiling i can see ur happy face know that u deserve it and u own it thanks for being the light in the darkness for me.

 

nobody has ever done anything like that for me, i love u soooo much u can't believe it, i will never ever forget u and i hope we can find each other one day and things can be better again. i wish that u always have the courage to go for what u believe in u may not reach it u may reach it and lose it but in the end u will know that u`ve done all u could and u wont sit and think about what ifs what if i had done this and that and in the end u know that uve enjoyed it when it was there and u did all u could but sometimes life makes us have to wait for what we believe in and want the most. it's like a special wine. that wait can make the taste of it a million times better when u drink it. take this last advice as a friend hoping to have u in my life and not lose one of the most precious ppl. i hope u keep in touch with me and we can be friends like before