WTRanger Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 It's been a while since I've been on LS, but I need to come back to get some advice and to vent a bit. Some quick backstory, I'm in a relationship for about 9 months when I had to move over 1,000 miles away for a new job and now we're in a LDR. Which, isn't so bad, but she has this constant (and annoying) need for near constant contact. It is driving me up a wall and I don't know how to nicely tell her to back off. I feel bad that I have to lie about when I get home from work just so I can go 30 minutes without her texting me. I get that we should talk every night, but do they really have to be marathon sessions? And it's 95% pointless, she's a constant, "What are you thinking/feeling?" question asker. I'm afraid that her all of a sudden onset clingyness is going to drive me away. I work 10 hours a day and I feel like this relationship has become a night shift job. I don't even have time to eat at night, she'll either call, text, or want me to eat while we Skype. I feel that her constant thinking of me and missing me is putting undue pressure on me to always be there when I either can't due to work or I just want to take a few minutes to breathe after working. Weekends are even worse, I'll rarely get 30 minutes all weekend where she isn't texting me. She also has a 40 hour a week job, but she works earlier in the morning that I do and we do have a time difference where I am behind her. So I understand that I have to talk to her closer to me getting off of work so she can get to bed at a decent time. However, I feel that I am the only one compromising. How do I tell her to back off without coming off like a tool? I want this to work, but I can't sustain this without blowing my top at her. I have come to loathe cell phones, cell technology and Skype at this point. All this fancy technology is taking something that is hard as it is, and making it impossible. When, it should be making it easier.
TMichaels Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Have you considered sending her a copy of what you posted above? Best, TMichaels 1
sarahmonty2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]It was a bit of an eye opener for me to read this as my boyfriend and I are going through the same thing. I don’t think I am as ‘clingy’ but I do recognise similarities and this is exactly how I imagine he might be feeling. I agree that you should tell her how you are feeling and reassure her that you are not losing interest; you just need a little space. Mostly, I think she just wants reassurance, I know I do. She obviously thinks you are worth the hassle but she needs to know she is driving you away. My boyfriend and I don’t have as much contact as you do, we message every day mainly when he wakes up and when I go to bed as there is a 7 hr time diff. We skype about 3 times a week. Recently he stopped messaging me when we woke up; I saw this as him losing interest and the beginning of the end. I felt powerless as when I told him how I felt all it did was make him doubt our relationship. I saw this as the beginning of us losing contact and the connection we have. Do you think it might be good to speak to her and agree on specific times when you will message and skype, a frequency you are both comfortable with..middle ground? Because if she doesn’t get enough contact with you and starts to lose the connection, if other guys are interested in her, she may start to wonder if the LDR is the best thing for her as you are not putting the effort in and other guys around her are. The other thing is that she is probably also lonely and may need to get out a bit more, catch up more with friends and family and try hard to not make you the centre of her universe. Now, I want to ask you, if your girlfriend told you the above, what would you say to her? I am so scared to tell him things and push him away. I think my boyfriend is just more distant lately and I have pulled away a little.[/sIZE][/FONT]
HeavenOrHell Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 She sounds far too clingy and obsessive, if she can't go 30 mins without texting you?! I think you are going to have to tell her to tone it down as it's suffocating you, otherwise it will drive you away. Good luck!
Author WTRanger Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 The thing is, we originally had agreed on a set time to skype or call every night. We had it all set, and I had rather long talks with her before I left, about how typically during the workday that I am not on my cell or on any sort of personal email account. But within 2 days of me starting work, all that went out the crapper. I had a long talk with her last night about all of this and I'm hoping I made some sense. The summary was that there needed to be an understanding that during the workday, I am pretty much away. If I have time, I will send a quick email but that's about the extent of it. If I have to work late, I will communicate to her that I am working late and we won't be able to skype. I'll still call her for a quick goodnight, but that's about it on the days I'm home late. I told her to reconnect with her friends, get out and do things with them. It'll help get her to stop obsessing that I'm gone and wanting to feed the need to have constant communication with me. We'll see if this holds up longer than the last time. I'm just afraid that this is cracking the foundation of our relationship. 1
sarahmonty2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 I think that's fair enough. Hopefully she can be happy with what you have told her. Did you reassure her that you want to be with her and you want things to work out and that's why it is important that she is happy with the amount of contact you have agreed on? Maybe a surprise romantic gesture might reassure her..maybe something in the post? Hopefully she can also get out a bit more as it may be loneliness that is making her feel this way. I understand what you mean when you say, lets see how long it lasts this time, it is a rollercoaster ride, hopefully she can be brave when she gets lonely and find a distraction from missing you.
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