I need some ...ex wants to talk

[salmagundi]

Wow, its been years since I've posted here. Once I got over my last ex I stopped coming around. By the time I met last girlfriend I figured I had life nailed and would never need this site again.

 

And lo, here I am.

 

I really need some sound advice...I keep up a good facade but I'm really messed up inside and need some help. Here's my story:

 

I met her almost three years ago. I was 37, she was 27. We slowly got to know each other, dated and eventually moved in together. We really really fit and she was the one. We have talked about marriage, buying a house, having kids and everything.

 

This winter things started going sideways. I was working long hours in a toxic workplace that I have since left...but at the time I was really under a lot of pressure and was perilously close to a burnout or even some sort of nervous breakdown. I leaned on her a lot and she was there for me, but I took her for granted and wasn't there as much for her as I needed to be.

 

She started pressuring me for more attention, more presence and while I did decide that it was either my job or her ( i chose her and quit) I resented the pressure she was putting on me. It felt as though any affection or attention I gave her was no longer spontaneous but only in response to her demands. Right or wrong, I was already under a **** ton of pressure already, I couldn't deal. But I never wanted to lose her.

 

She got pregnant and while we both want kids she decided to get an abortion. She said the timing for having a child was wrong. She didn't tell me that she thought that I wasn't sufficiently there to risk having a child with, and that she resented that. This abortion hurt her enormously. Me too, I didn't want her to do it.

 

On the verge of a burnout I quit my job and took 2 months forestry work (tree planting) to get out in the bush and get my head straightened out. It works for me and I go every year, even since we've been together. I told her that this was going to help me get myself back together and renew myself. She was good with it as she felt some space would help us a lot. And I'd come back with a killer tan

 

We stayed in touch by skype on my days off (4 days in the bush, one day off in town...not easy). For the month of may, all was well...I felt way better. I knew what I wanted and it was her. She messaged me a lot, she loved me etc. Our 'Skype dates' were events. Until june...we still talked but she was testier. Less there. She was questioning us more. But when I finished the season and was flying back east she wrote about how excited she was to see me and she couldn't wait xxxxx and all that.

 

She's super happy to see me when I get back...but she says she wants to wait to have sex. When we finally do i tell her that I love her and she breaks down crying. She has a confession. She hooked up with a guy in mid june. Just once. Never again. She was frustrated with me and angry and thats how she took it out. This hurts a lot. I tell her so. I tell her that she knows I would never do that to her and she should never have done that to me. She knows. She's sorry.

 

I go think about it a couple of days and then we talk about if we can fix this and we say yes. It will be work to trust her again but I still love her and I understand how I was pushing her away last winter and how that hurt her too. So we're even, kinda.

 

Everything is better, we're closer now and I dare to think we're off to a better start. Until last friday...she breaks up with me. She loves me, she needs me in her life but I hurt her too much last winter and the abortion and everything, she needs to break up. Its obviously killing her to say it but it gets said nonetheless. Of course, she still wants us to live together (we share an apartment) and doesn't want to lose me. Uhh...ok. I move out to go camp on some friend's couch. I say we can't be friends, that would be impossible for me. I say that this is all f&?cked up that we can't just work our problems out but we have to pitch everything in the trash but if thats what she wants, fine. I'll get in touch with her when I'm over her, I'll pay my half of the rent until she finds a roommate (3 bedroom apartment, we already have 1 roommate) but that I can't be there for her, to help her get over me. Fix it or f&?K it....

 

its been one week and she sent me an email saying she wants to see me tomorrow or friday. I don't know what to say. I've messed up and so has she. I love her and...well...I dunno where she's at.

 

So I need some truth. What do I do? How do I fix this? Should I see her?

Thanks for any help...I don't know where I'm at anymore...

Edited July 19, 2012 by salmagundi

[salmagundi]

Yeah, its long. But I have to figure out what to do and whether to answer... I dunno, its hard to resist seeing her but I don't know if its the right thing or not.

 

errrggghhh....

[salmagundi]

Well I don't know...I guess I may as well talk to her, if only because we have to figure out what we're doing about this apartment... If anybody cares I'll tell you how it goes...

[yogamobb]

Thats tuff. I guess it depends how much you still love her. I dont think i could do it. The fact that she slept with another dude would send me running for the hills.

 

Take your time with this one as it is complicated.

[Pod81]

I'd have to say it's very likely that if you see her, it won't be because she wants to reconcile. Even if she does, what's the likelihood that it'll be one that lasts? You've already had a failed reconciliation attempt already! She's obviously very confused and wishy-washy with her emotions right now. Once a girl is conflicted with her emotions, there's about a 99% chance she will ultimately give up on the relationship. If you're willing to hear her out, can accept that a proper reconciliation is highly unlikely, and can emotionally prepare for the worst, then go ahead and see her. But if you're the kind of person who can't control your emotions very well and is afraid to go back to square one, I would ignore it.

[Chi townD]

Man, I've been around this forum for a while and this is a tough one. First, I think that it's absolutely wrong of her to put the blame of her abortion squarely on your shoulders and use it as an excuse to break it off with you. Yeah, it's a woman's body and she made that choice. But, it was your child too and for her to think that it really didn't mean anything to you sucks. (she may not have said it, but she implied it.) She cheated on yopu and blamed you for it. Because she was upset at what YOU did. Sorry that was her doing not you.

 

I just got this feeling that she broke it off with you and tried to get with the guy she cheated on you with only to discover that he just entered into a new relationship of his own. Now, you're her back up plan. If this is the case. Run.

 

You've already told her that you cannot be her friend. So, if you meet up with her. Be all business, talk about getting your stuff, talk about the finances. Let her know that you have every intention of moving on.

 

And don't beat yourself up and believe that you deserved the treatment she gave you. We are all human and sometimes we get into a rut. But, just like married couples, through good times and bad actually means something.

[salmagundi]

Thanks for the responses guys. I still haven't decided whether I'm going to see her or not. She's only home for two days as she works on an organic farm outside of town the rest of the week. I wrote her to tell her that I was leaving her the apartment, I'll stay elsewhere with friends and that I'll call her and we'll see about meeting up with her. I told her it we couldn't meet to a) be friends or b) just reiterate the breakup, I got it the first time, even if it was over Skype (yeah...skype breakup...). So what does that leave?

 

I really hate it when women break up with you but want to lean on you to help them get over you. I'm afraid that's what this is. I know I am important to her and that this breakup hurts her as well...but it was still her choice, I wanted to work on things so if she doesn't that's her problem, right?

 

Chitown, thanks for your comments. I am having a really hard time not beating the s?&t out of myself for doing this, not doing that... At the same time, I am no prince and I do have to take some responsibility...I feel like a fool now but I was pushing her away, I don't know why. I guess she has a right to be angry. I don't think she had a right to take out that anger by f?&king somebody else.

 

And I don't know if she has the right to keep me around, especially when she knows how much I love her in spite of it all.

 

I wish I could be more decisive. Hope is a killer in breakups and I still have way too much, that's why I would want to see her. I imagine Pod is right, if she wanted reconciliation, she would say so right?

 

Maybe I'll go with the business like approach and just meet her to sort out the apartment. I'll tell you how it goes.

 

Thanks for listening, writing here helps clear my head...

[Chi townD]

Chitown, thanks for your comments. I am having a really hard time not beating the s?&t out of myself for doing this, not doing that... At the same time, I am no prince and I do have to take some responsibility...I feel like a fool now but I was pushing her away, I don't know why. I guess she has a right to be angry. I don't think she had a right to take out that anger by f?&king somebody else.

 

 

Bingo! Okay, who the hell can be Prince Charming 24hrs of the day? So, you did somethings wrong. Good rule of thumb, you can take the blame for 50% of the problems in your relationship and she can take the blame for the other 50%. But, her cheating is 100% on her. I'm sure you didn't ask for her to cheat on you. That was a choice that she made. Not you. So, don't beat yourself up over something that she did. You didn't ask for this. This wasn't your fault.

[Samilia]

Meh I would have loved having a kid, it pains me when someone decides to have an abortion because "it's not the right time". That's what condoms are for.

[Dblock10]

that is horrible that she cheated on you, do you know if she slept with the guy? id be livid! so whilst you were away having all these thoughts and working on the relationship by doing a good thing, she was jumping into bed letting another man put his penis inside her.. what the hell..

 

i hope for your sake you can work around this. and as chi said, do not take the full blame. that is ridiculous

[salmagundi]

yeah, she slept with him. funny thing is, I'mpretty sure its the same guy she rebounded into after her last LTR. Sad little man he must be still thinking he's gonna win the prize when really, he should have spent the last 3+ years looking for his OWN girlfriend. And yes, I do need to ease up on myself a bit. I ****ed up, but I was willing to work on it at least...

 

anyway, I told her I'll call her tonight rather than meeting in person...that way at least I keep some distance and maybe it'll hurt less. No, probably not

[Chi townD]

Yeah, that's probably best. Because if she goes off topic, you can easily get off the phone, or you lost service! You hit a dead zone! SORRY!!!

[salmagundi]

well, we talked on the phone...I told her I was moving out and moving on next week. She feels bad, wants to know that I'm ok and says she is a mess as its only starting sink in that we're broken up. I tell her this is stupid but whatever, I understand, I'm not going to chase after her or anything. I know in my heart this is over and this gives me a certain closure. I'm going to let go of hoping we'll get back together, realise this a mistake etc.

 

She wants to hang out one last time tonight. We won't see each other for a while after this weekend. I said ok. If ther's anything left to say we can say it and then starting tomorrow I'm moving on...

 

Or so I tell myself...

[Jono85]

^^ TERRIBLE idea. you still want to win her back. she's gone though. i did this with my recent ex, spent one last weekend. there were amazing times, and terrible times, b/c i knew she wasn't the same. the DEEP attraction was gone, although the surface attraction was still there enough to be very intimiate etc, but something was off. i ended up killing the weekend by going through her phone/finding out there were a couple guys she was dating/crushing on while she was bsing me about wanting to be single and just wanting to be alone/working on herself. i flipped out and left, which left her crushed (for some reason..) and although we made up after via phone, the "magic" of that weekend leading up to it she seems to have easily forgotten now.

 

i dunno...do what u gotta do. but u guys will likely be intimate, and u will sort of feel like she still loves u, but then after u'll just end up more hurt that she let u come inside her and probably said passionate/lovely things to u, yet still doesn't want u. ur giving her one hell of a parting gift, when she is the one who doens't even want u anymore. don't give her that gift of u one last time. be a man and say, thanks but no thanks, goodbye.

[salmagundi]

yeah, you're right that seeing her again is a bad idea if I want her back except that I don't believe she's coming back regardless of what I do. My experience is that woman says its done, its done. I believe I would have a chance if she was being ambiguous, but she's not. She loves me but she's not in love with me....which means its done, right.

 

Now I never said anything about sleeping with her. I wouldn't do that because my top priority is getting over he and moving on. There's nothing more for me here so why drag this out with pointless breakup sex? Easier for her than me...

 

Now, if I thought there was a chance for us I wouldn't see her at all until she came crawling back to me. But given how it is I figure a little closure and a last goodbye won't hurt and then go NC and move out next week...

 

I dunno, if you guys still think this is a bad idea don't hesitate to tell me...I do still have my doubts, but I dunno...is it better to regret seeing her or to regret not seeing her?

 

thanks for following my tale:)

[Jono85]

yeah, you're right that seeing her again is a bad idea if I want her back except that I don't believe she's coming back regardless of what I do. My experience is that woman says its done, its done. I believe I would have a chance if she was being ambiguous, but she's not. She loves me but she's not in love with me....which means its done, right.

 

Now I never said anything about sleeping with her. I wouldn't do that because my top priority is getting over he and moving on. There's nothing more for me here so why drag this out with pointless breakup sex? Easier for her than me...

 

Now, if I thought there was a chance for us I wouldn't see her at all until she came crawling back to me. But given how it is I figure a little closure and a last goodbye won't hurt and then go NC and move out next week...

 

I dunno, if you guys still think this is a bad idea don't hesitate to tell me...I do still have my doubts, but I dunno...is it better to regret seeing her or to regret not seeing her?

 

thanks for following my tale:)

 

i still kind of think it's a bad idea.

 

when i went to stay at my exes for the weekend, one last time, we initially set it up as a "goodbye" as well. she was off to europe for a month, and i figured it very well could be the last time i see her for a very long time, if not ever. just to end on a good note. well we're semi long distance (2 hours) and she was busy throughout the day, so she offered if i wanted to stay the night since it would be late. i said "i don't know if that's a good idea", she responded with "i think it is" in a cheery tone. so a goodbye meetup, quickly turned into, let me look my best, and be on my game, to give this one last shot. i think it's just natural. you are going to want to look your best, be confident, try and act like the guy she fell in love for, to make her doubt her decision. i think you're in denial right now to be honest, but who knows. i just think that even if you're not intimate in any way, if she totally treats you like a friend, and seems withdrawn from you, you will be pretty disappointed and wonder how she can just lose her feelings like that, etc. if she IS intimate, as mine was, and she still doesn't seem to change her mind after, you will be hurt as well.

 

i don't know though, i'm just basing this off my last experience with this. b/c it hurts that she claimed (and it did feel like it much of the time we spent that weekend) that all the emotions started flooding back. this is when i left her that evening after seeing her phone msgs, and she was crying hysterically and then calling me 30+ times when i started driving home. she said something like "you just had to go walk out of my life over things i did when we were broken up. all the emotions and feelings started coming back too. i didn't think it'd hurt this much." well i get that i might have ruined it all by going through her phone and seeing things and leaving her, BUT, i was undoubtedly very insecure and she's done that to me before and i forgave her, and she should forgive me imo since i acknowledged it was wrong and i have no history of such things. if those feelings were genuine, when we hung out that weekend, i don't see how me doing that could have just turned it all off again. if she's into me and only me, i have no problems. anyway...just ranting, but i guess it set me back a bit, but i don't regret going either.

 

we both know you're gonna end up going anyway, so just let us know how it goes. gl.

[salmagundi]

hey jono,

 

thanks for sharing that...I am actually pretty stressed out and as for being in denial...well...I'm actually in denial that I am in denial;). But seriously, no matter how zen and accepting I try to be about this I think that some part of my brain that I refuse to acknowledge is still holding out for winning her back. Pride, I guess.

 

I am having second thoughts about this too but its too late too back out now, she just sent me an email making sure I'm still coming and she's making me dinner (?). So I guess I'm going to walk into the dragons den...

 

At least we only broke up a week ago so this can only set me back one week. if I'm still doing this in two months...then you guys will know I'm lying and I'm really only 19 years old;p

 

I'll keep you posted, and I'll try not to do anything you wouldn't do ( though you probably would too, eh?)

 

[Jono85]

hey jono,

 

thanks for sharing that...I am actually pretty stressed out and as for being in denial...well...I'm actually in denial that I am in denial;). But seriously, no matter how zen and accepting I try to be about this I think that some part of my brain that I refuse to acknowledge is still holding out for winning her back. Pride, I guess.

 

I am having second thoughts about this too but its too late too back out now, she just sent me an email making sure I'm still coming and she's making me dinner (?). So I guess I'm going to walk into the dragons den...

 

At least we only broke up a week ago so this can only set me back one week. if I'm still doing this in two months...then you guys will know I'm lying and I'm really only 19 years old;p

 

I'll keep you posted, and I'll try not to do anything you wouldn't do ( though you probably would too, eh?)

 

 

 

soo.. update time?

[salmagundi]

Hey Jono, glad to know someones still following my saga. I just out of bed; I worked late last night. Let me get a coffee and pull my head out of my ass and I'll give you guys a loveshack exclusive.

 

Thanks for being there. Nobody I know in the real world knows all of our story because I don't feel theres any one person I can really open up to about this. So everyone knows bits and pieces and everyone gives me advice based on partial knowledge leavened with the fact that everyone loves the idea of me and my girlfriend together and doesn't like the idea of us apart. How many times have people told me that now is the time for a grand romantic gesture? Bad idea in my opinion but at least here I can anonymously give the unvarnished truth and take hard advice without the sugar coating...

 

So thanks, I'll post again in a little bit:(

[salmagundi]

Alright, so here's what happened. It is what it is, so please don't judge, but I would like input as to where I should go now.

 

I went over to our appartment, we met up. She was kind of nervous at first, we made small talk and after five minutes she hugged me close and we started kissing. Yeah I know, it took five minutes to deviate from my script.

 

But that set the tone for the night. She was always touching me, sitting close. We talked all night about what happened and was still happening between us. This was for me and her very positive because our communication had gone to **** over the winter before I left for tree planting. I told her why I was pushing her away, how work w causing me to (seriously) have nervous breakdown and how I had dug myself a huge hole that it took two months working in the bush to get out of. I told her a bunch of other stuff that She said she winshed I had told her before.

 

She told me she regretted how she reacted to me (nagging me for attention, reproaching me and making me feel like ****) and said she wished she had been clearer with me about what she was feeling (deeply hurt, rejected by me). I told her I never ever wanted her to feel that way and that I regretted letting things go so far with my job instead of quitting sooner. And a bunch of other stuff.

 

Well needless to say, we spent the night together. It was amazing. Last winter my libido was basically halfdead because of work stress and burnout. I solved that problem. Next morning we stayed in bed til the afternoon talking...etc. She said that I had changed a lot. That I was calm and not stressed out like I was before. That she's happy I cut my hours at work and am reprioritizing my life.

 

We had a lot of fun and laughed a lot etc. It was pretty much like always, like we weren't even broken up. She did a lot of crying too ( she's quite emotional). She's not taking this breakup lightly.

 

We talked in the morning. I told her we couldn't be friends in the foreseeable future, because that would just f$&k me up and because I told her I thought us breaking up was stupid and I wasn't willing to accept the consolation prize. I told her I'm moving out next week. She said she wishes we could slow this down (the actaul physical moving out.). But even if I want to get back together, I want it to be with us living apart because I also want to work on getting over her, which isnt going to happen for me in this appartment.

 

She also told me she thinks we could end up back together, but that she has hurt and frustration from our last few months that she has to heal and get over first and that she doesn't want to give me hope. I told her that was ok, that I was going to get on with my life, move out, see what comes and above all, I wasn't going to chasing after her. If she wanted to be friends I told her that would happen when I was ready and not before, not while I still have feelings for her and want us to work on the relationship. If she wants more, I told her she can go figure herself out and get back to me then and see if I'm still around. She knows she cant count on that, just with my job alone (I'm a serveur/bartender in a popular cafe-bar where I get hit on all the time, she hated it....in fact, that's where I met her .

 

So I finish by walking her to the bus he has to catch to get to her job. She asks me if she can contact me and I tell her not now, not until she knows where she is at. When the bus arrives we kiss (!?) and that's it, now I'm no contact and feeling...ambiguous.

 

So how did I do and what would you do now in my place?

[salmagundi]

48 hours of nc. Today I go visit an apartment, some friends looking for a roommate. I know this is going to become a lot more real once I move and that hurts...

 

Oh well. It is what it is...

[Jono85]

hey man, good to hear an update.

 

sounds identical to my weekend except for the whole part about me destroying the last great/intimate memories by going through her phone and leaving her all alone lol. so i commend you for at least not further blowing things up as i did

 

but yeah it was pretty much a given, as i knew, that things would be intimate. u cannot resist such urges b/c even though u say or think u know it's over, there's a part of u that doesn't believe it's over for good, and tries to give it one last go. oh well it sounds like u guys had a nice time, even if it doesn't change her mind for now. it's still good to leave on a good note. but yeah, now comes the real hard work.

 

i'm 5 days strict NC now, so we're not far off. i've deleted ALL pictures, being very strict with absolutely ZERO facebook creeping of her or her friends (even though we're not friends can still see her profile pictures) which isn't so bad since we don't have any mutual friends either. the true test will come when she eventually contacts me, presumably when she's home from europe for a while and realizes she's lonely, and i'm not reaching out to her/actually done this time. she will most likely look for validation and give me breadcrumbs...that will be the next test.

 

anyway, we're here for ya bud. allow yourself to cry if u need to. take things slowly, it's gonna be a lenghty process, its not a race. look forward to hearin any progress, cheers.

[salmagundi]

yeah, we both knew EXACTLY how that was going to play out. Now I just have to deal with the idea I have that her and I haven't played out the last act. I have to move on from her at the same time that I am not ready to give up on her either. Probably stupid of me but I sense a great deal of ambiguity on her part too...

 

Come what may...