Cl0udy Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 It really depend on why you felt you had to cheat. I know there is no excuse for someone to be unfaithful, but if he was pushing you to do it and he cheated on you too or he wasn't emotionally/ sexually satisfying you then I understand. I think since he already found out he should sleep with someone else too. Only if he wants to and also give him space to clearly think what he wants. If he accepted what happened than you need to help him trust you again and he has to learn to let go. If it hurt him to the point where he won't forgive and forget then you both need to move on. Good luck, A second chance does not happen right away. You need to really feel sorry for what you did. A year went by and you were only sorry you got caught. If he really loves you he may forgive you. You need to show him you changed too.
KatZee Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I have never really posted on these things but I really need advice. A year ago I cheated on my boyfriend with his best friend. I was extremely drunk and hardly remember it, I honestly feel like I was taken advantage of. His friend was always lieing and hanging out and I was told by his brother it was to be around me, I was nice to him though and we became good friends. He said he told me things he never told anyone, and I did confide in him as well. I didn't feel there was an attraction there, but one night when we were partying out at his brothers farm, I had way to much to drink and the worst happened. I didn't tell my boyfriend for a year, until he found out from his friends. Our four year anniversary was this June. It happened last year. He's so hurt. We have been hanging out and he is trying to get over it, but he says he can't. His family knows and hisfriends and he says they all hate me. I just want him to forgive me. He can find another girl, he's very good looking but he says he still loves me and wishes I never did such a thing. I don't know what to do. Should I walk away? Will things ever work out? I need truthful advice. Is what I did forgiveable? Will his friends and family ever accept me again? They already didn't like me much before that because I often "butted heads" with his other siblings. His friends all already thought I was a bit of a bitch, Please Help! It probably won't last much longer. I haven't read the entire thread yet but I'll just put in my two-cents. My ex cheated on me. I did decide to stay, even though people told me not to. I thought we could work it out and get past it, but honestly, I never looked at him the same way again. The trust was GONE, and as much as I wanted to rebuild the trust, it was gone, and it was gone forever. I noticed I was always paranoid. If he was on his cell phone texting I wanted to know who it was-- i often thought it was the girl he cheated on me with. Time went on and I kind of "got over" the cheating, but I really never felt the same for him again. The loving feeling I had for him? Gone. I had no desire to even go out of my way for him anymore. I used to do nice, sweet things for him, that stopped. It just made me sick to think I had been so amazing to him and he had done that to me. I wound up detaching emotionally about 95%. It was only a matter of time before it ended, and in the end HE wound up breaking up with me, which infuriates me to this day because I HAD all the right reasons to dump him, not the other way around. If he's saying he won't get past it, believe him. He probably won't. It wasn't even a stranger either. Not saying that form of cheating is any less disrespectful but at least it wouldn't have been his BEST FRIEND. So now he has to deal with the fact he has a liar and a cheater of a girlfriend, and a lying cheating best friend. Two people he probably trusted with his life have gone and screwed him over so terribly.
KatZee Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I don't drink a lot. But when I do drink, I don't stop, which is why I don't drink. The last time I drank was probably a couple months ago, so I don't think I have an addiction, it's more when I drink, I just can't stop til I'm either blacked out or passed out. The definition of an alcoholic isn't one in which a person drinks all day every day. What you're talking about is binge drinking, and your inability to stop once you start. That's a problem, that is not normal drinking behavior. That is alcohol abuse.
KatZee Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 How do you make something right from all that has happened. I know he still loves me which is why he can't just walk away either, he keeps telling me to go have sex with someone cause then he'd be done for sure and I tell him to do the same but he says he doesn't want to hurt me. I just don't know if people ever do get over these things. Is it possible for a relationship to EVENTUALLY go back to normal after something this devasting happens? From experience, the relationship will NEVER be the same. I forgave my ex. But I never forgot. And it led to a lot of paranoia, resentment, anger, frustration. The relationship was never "normal" again. It was plagued by his "mistake." And honestly I don't even believe it was a "mistake." Cheating isn't a "mistake." A mistake is missing an exit on the highway. What he did was make a CHOICE. He CHOSE to cheat on me. Just the same as you CHOSE to drink, and continue to drink until you were blackout drunk. YOU CHOSE to be alone with this person. You CHOSE to sleep with him. Although I forgave my ex, I see now that I never got over it, and I never would have. I always would have been thinking, "Hey, did he just cheat on me again?" I was constantly looking out for the signs that he was cheating again. It's just not a healthy environment at that point. If there's no trust, there's no foundation, there's nothing. It really doesn't matter how much you both love each other at this point. If he's unable to get past it, he never will. And this relationship will just bury itself into the ground.
RogerWallace111 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 The definition of an alcoholic isn't one in which a person drinks all day every day. What you're talking about is binge drinking, and your inability to stop once you start. That's a problem, that is not normal drinking behavior. That is alcohol abuse. F*ck the "definition" of an alcoholic. Of course it's alcohol abuse, but that bible-driven bull**** is just silly. 80% of the kids I went to college with binge drank regularly, and have happily/naturally laid off in the years following.
syz Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 (edited) You don't deserve a second chance but by the grace of your boyfriend you may get one. And what you did is worth ending a 4 year relationship over. I don't think you get the extent of what you've done. It's a double betrayal you and his friend committed. And then you lied about it every day that you were with him after that fact until he found out from someone else. You let him find out from someone else.. and you deprived him of a choice about his own life and his own reality. And the worst part is you haven't owned that aspect at all... at least not in the posts that I've seen from you. I get that you were intoxicated and this was not premeditated which actually could have worked in your favor (as opposed to behind his back planning texting and setting up a meeting type of affair) But part of what makes all that so devastating is the LIES. It's the LIES. You cheated yes and probably wouldn't do that under different circumstances which you do need to look at and deal with but you are an active liar and that alone is worth ending a relationship over. Once you can deal with this part.. and own it and really let that reality wash over you, you might have a shot at repairing this with yourself and your boyfriend. But not at all if your attitude is... Is this really worth ending a 4 year relationship over? And by the way it takes a good 3-5 years to actually heal from this type of damage and lies. So it may not be worth it in the end for either of you when you consider how long it can take to get back to a semblance of what used to be. Edited July 20, 2012 by syz
ScienceGal Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I think your first mistake was not having proper boundaries. Before this encounter happened, you should not have befriended another man to the level that you were confiding in him or being alone with him in a non-platonic way. You should confide in close female friends, and your boyfriend. That's it. For forgiveness, he needs to believe that you are truly sorry and that this was a one time thing. You need to acknowledge you had boundary issues and that you've learned and changed. He needs to trust it wouldn't happen again. 4 years is a long time and if this only happened once, I don't think it's worth breaking up. I really hope you can pull through. Good luck.
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