TMM Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I have never really posted on these things but I really need advice. A year ago I cheated on my boyfriend with his best friend. I was extremely drunk and hardly remember it, I honestly feel like I was taken advantage of. His friend was always lieing and hanging out and I was told by his brother it was to be around me, I was nice to him though and we became good friends. He said he told me things he never told anyone, and I did confide in him as well. I didn't feel there was an attraction there, but one night when we were partying out at his brothers farm, I had way to much to drink and the worst happened. I didn't tell my boyfriend for a year, until he found out from his friends. Our four year anniversary was this June. It happened last year. He's so hurt. We have been hanging out and he is trying to get over it, but he says he can't. His family knows and hisfriends and he says they all hate me. I just want him to forgive me. He can find another girl, he's very good looking but he says he still loves me and wishes I never did such a thing. I don't know what to do. Should I walk away? Will things ever work out? I need truthful advice. Is what I did forgiveable? Will his friends and family ever accept me again? They already didn't like me much before that because I often "butted heads" with his other siblings. His friends all already thought I was a bit of a bitch, Please Help!
Author TMM Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 I have, and I told him that, but I'm to selfish to walk away and he can't either. I made a mistake, I don't think it's worth ruining a four year relationship over.
Author TMM Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 I guess you're right. Maybe I should just let it end and walk away.
Fortune Cookie Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I disagree. If you were drunk, it's not your fault. You become literally incapable of "being yourself" and are no longer in real control of your actions. If you had a certain amount or more to drink, then you were unable to give consent and that's grounds for rape charges against that "best friend". I wouldn't go that far, but were I your boyfriend, I'd have some sympathy and forgive you -though you'd fight a bit to regain trust, but that'd be my fault and unfair of me.
january2011 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I am not unsympathetic, if indeed you do feel that you were taken advantage of. In which case, I suggest filing a police report to say that you were sexually assaulted. Otherwise, I'm sorry, I think that you do indeed need to take responsibility for your actions. And that means accepting the consequences. You've done a lot of damage. It's going to take a lot to repair the damage done. Unfortunately, there is no guarantee that you will ever get back what was lost. I don't think you should be making excuses for what happened. I'd also suggest that you stay away from alcohol and putting yourself into reckless situations where you make life-altering decisions without thinking things through. Whatever happens, it looks like this is going to be a major life lesson for you.
Author TMM Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 And yes, I have done that quite a lot where I have drinkin' myself into oblivion, it's a problem, which is another reason why he says he doesn't know if he can be with me because he doesn't want to be with someone who can't handle her booze. I think I'm in denial.
Samilia Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Well you confided into him and he into you, right there that's cheating to me, when you give your man's quality time to another guy. Then you got drunk and willingly kissed him, I hope you didn't sleep with him. When you blame the alcohol you basically say "it will happen again next time I'm drunk". I don't know if you can work it out, doesn't hurt to try, but first you should really take responsibility for your actions instead of blaming alcohol or that guy. 1
Author TMM Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 I did sleep with him, which makes it that much worse. And I was just trying to be a friend to him. I made a huge mistake, and this will definitly be a life lesson. But I really thought I was going to marry him. I don't have family, he was all I had.
Samilia Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Doesn't hurt to try. A broken trust is hard to get back. Maybe go to the AA meetings and stick to it. That would be step #1. Let him know you went, try and talk about it.
Author TMM Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 You're right Algermans but in to some degree I feel I am the victim, am I wrong? in denial? I came on here to get answers and figure something out, maybe if I hear other people, other than my friends (they tell me what they think I want to hear), tell me what they think, I will have some sort of answer.
StrangeBehaviors Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 It's over. You caused it. Now own it and all that comes with it. That's it. 2
Samilia Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 You're right Algermans but in to some degree I feel I am the victim, am I wrong? in denial? I came on here to get answers and figure something out, maybe if I hear other people, other than my friends (they tell me what they think I want to hear), tell me what they think, I will have some sort of answer. Probably the victim of your addiction but at the same time you're the one creating it. Stop drinking. Why would he give you another try if you don't bother showing you're serious about changing? Can't get the milk and the cow for free.
Author TMM Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 I don't drink a lot. But when I do drink, I don't stop, which is why I don't drink. The last time I drank was probably a couple months ago, so I don't think I have an addiction, it's more when I drink, I just can't stop til I'm either blacked out or passed out.
Samilia Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I don't drink a lot. But when I do drink, I don't stop, which is why I don't drink. The last time I drank was probably a couple months ago, so I don't think I have an addiction, it's more when I drink, I just can't stop til I'm either blacked out or passed out. Ok, let's call it a problem then. Can't hide behind excuses all the time, which is really what you're doing. The way I see it is simple, stop drinking and try to get him back. Or just let him go.
Samilia Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Yes, you are wrong. Even if I bought the whole "oops, I had a few drinks and now im not responsible for anything I do because I was born with ovaries" excuse that still leaves the fact that you apparently get blacked out drunk. What you're essentially doing is laying the groundwork for any future whoring around, hey man I was drunk. Drove your car into the ditch? Drunk. Torched the house? Drunk. I am not sure what fuels all those sexist remarks other than the obvious bitterness, however I know something, men or women, all the same.
Author TMM Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 How do you make something right from all that has happened. I know he still loves me which is why he can't just walk away either, he keeps telling me to go have sex with someone cause then he'd be done for sure and I tell him to do the same but he says he doesn't want to hurt me. I just don't know if people ever do get over these things. Is it possible for a relationship to EVENTUALLY go back to normal after something this devasting happens? And I am done drinking, I don't like the person I become. Addiction runs in my family, my grandfather was a horrible alcoholic and got very mean. I don't want to be like them. This stems more than this situation, I think I need counselling from other things in my life. I don't trust people hence why I probably only have one friend, which is my cousin, so it's probably more like an obligation for her, and usually when I start to get to know people, I end up hating them because the stuff they do is annoying and I find faults in everyone. And now here I am sitting on my computer, crying, and venting to people I don't know because I have no one. And I know that my boyfriend hates that about me cause he always tells me how his friends think I'm a huge bitch. And maybe thats why I make excuses cause If I faced it all, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. and I probably do use my childhood as an excuse to why I'm this way, how do you not use that as an excuse though. ****
Samilia Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 How do you make something right from all that has happened. I know he still loves me which is why he can't just walk away either, he keeps telling me to go have sex with someone cause then he'd be done for sure and I tell him to do the same but he says he doesn't want to hurt me. I just don't know if people ever do get over these things. Is it possible for a relationship to EVENTUALLY go back to normal after something this devasting happens? And I am done drinking, I don't like the person I become. Addiction runs in my family, my grandfather was a horrible alcoholic and got very mean. I don't want to be like them. This stems more than this situation, I think I need counselling from other things in my life. I don't trust people hence why I probably only have one friend, which is my cousin, so it's probably more like an obligation for her, and usually when I start to get to know people, I end up hating them because the stuff they do is annoying and I find faults in everyone. And now here I am sitting on my computer, crying, and venting to people I don't know because I have no one. And I know that my boyfriend hates that about me cause he always tells me how his friends think I'm a huge bitch. And maybe thats why I make excuses cause If I faced it all, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. and I probably do use my childhood as an excuse to why I'm this way, how do you not use that as an excuse though. **** I do think people can forgive, not sure if they can forget. The thought of your sleeping with that guy might be too much to ever give it another try. You're aware of your behavior, counselling is a good idea. It's got to be miserable to be living like this. If you ever talk to him, recognize your mistake, blame yourself and only yourself. Show your progress, make amend.. see where it takes you. Anyway you'll be a better person.
StrangeBehaviors Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Why does this back and forth bargaining keep going on?!?! I mean WTF? You're an alcoholic that cheated on your guy with one of his "friends". Now you want to fix it and everything be alright just because he says he loves you still. So what? People break up every second for people they feel love for that have alot less damage than what you've done. You keep trying to bargain against what you've created, trying not to own it, and looking for an angle to fix the unfixable. Drunk, family history, ate too much candy, whatever...is just another bargaining chip for you to justify your actions. Want to really own it? Admit it to everyone you know, then be alone for several months while dealing with your alcoholism and OTHER reasons for infidelity. 2
Chi townD Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I disagree. If you were drunk, it's not your fault. You become literally incapable of "being yourself" and are no longer in real control of your actions. Sorry, But I couldn't DISAGREE with this statement more. If this was the case, I could go out tonight and hook up. I could come home and say to my wife. " Honey, I got some good news and bad news. The bad news is I slept with someone else tonight, the good news is; it wasn't my fault because I was drunk at the time.. SO! You can't get mad!! It's ALLLLL GOOD!!" I don't think she would be so understanding. The fact is, drinking is never an excuse for cheating. You've known about this for a year and NOW that the truth comes out; NOW your a victim! Okay, so are you telling me that you were raped? If this is the case, then you need to go to the police. What really didn't help your case, is that you didn't tell him right away. He had to find out from a third party on his own. If you would have told him at the time that you got drunk and made a huge mistake. Yeah, he would have been hurt, but you would have had a better chance at working this out than you do now. And he would have respect the fact that you were up front and honest with him. Here's the deal. You were in the drivers seat when you decided to cheat. You had that power and you made that choice. Now, that you've been discovered, he's in the driver's seat as far as this relationship is concerned. And he's already told you that you can't get back together because he can never trust you again. Now, he probably has already forgiven you as a person, but as a girlfriend....I think you've crossed a line you can never get back over. I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear. But, I'm not going to sugarcoat it and fill you with false hope. 2
penguin23 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 How do you make something right from all that has happened. I just don't know if people ever do get over these things. Is it possible for a relationship to EVENTUALLY go back to normal after something this devasting happens? And I am done drinking, I don't like the person I become. Addiction runs in my family, my grandfather was a horrible alcoholic and got very mean. I don't want to be like them. This stems more than this situation, I think I need counselling from other things in my life. **** You clearly do need counseling. I think it's beside the point whether or not this friend took advantage of you-you had been hanging out in a way that something like that could go down. And you did mention confiding in him which starts to point to a little bit of emotional cheating. Honestly, relationships can go back to normal after something like this. But that's only if both people are committed to healing the relationship. Right now you're all over the place-you're blaming everyone but yourself. Let stuff cool down for a couple of weeks. Start counseling if you're actually serious about it-it's not a guarantee that your relationship has a hope though.
Samilia Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I agree, you have to start somewhere. Tomorrow when you get up start making calls. Don't beat yourself up, you cheated, it's done. But understand he'll always be thinking "once a cheater always a cheater". Well, not always, but for a very long time. Could you handle it? Commit to stop drinking, alcohol doesn't get the best out of you. Open up to people, don't feel threatened by them. Go to church if you're religious, volunteer, go to the gym, etc... maybe he'll give it another try, if he doesn't, you'll still be a better person. 1
Author TMM Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 Why does this back and forth bargaining keep going on?!?! I mean WTF? You're an alcoholic that cheated on your guy with one of his "friends". . I'm not an alcoholic, I don't drink everyday nor do I crave drinking, I know the definition of an addict, and I definitly don't meet those standards.
RogerWallace111 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Like someone of course said, he may be able to forgive but he won't forget... I don't think any male I know in his situation would. But if both of you are really adamant about trying to make it work, yeah you probably want to get into some counseling and do everything you both can to process it, and not sweep it under the rug. Maybe move away together far from the friend (mostly kidding) Of course alcohol makes drops your inhibitions and makes you more prone to cheat and be taken advantage of, but like everyone said, it's not any real excuse. I said very mean things to my ex while drunk a couple times, but didn't bother using it as an excuse, and instead just apologized profusely and approached it like "I have some serious underlying issues I need to deal with", opened up to her, and promised to work on them.
RogerWallace111 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 And no need to go to AA, like you said just don't drink if you really have that hard a time stopping once you start.
RogerWallace111 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I've had random nights every several months where I've gotten on nicotine kicks, and it would be hell trying to stop smoking cigs if i really started, but I'm not preemptively wearing patches and chewing nicorette. The rigid, preachy, AA **** is unnecessary...
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