Skalabanan Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Hi All, This thread is going to become a self cleansing method for me whilst hopefully showing people the trials and tribulations of a breakup and what follows after. My Story Like all of you I could go on forever about my relationship but I'll try to keep it short and simple. - Meet my girlfriend at university, I was 21 she was 18. - Together for 4 and a 1/4 years. - Very happy relationship, we we're each others first real relationship and in turn first real loves. - no fighting or any real arguments during the relationship. - She never really had a strong circle of friends whereas I've always had a good circle of what I'd consider best friends, to compensate for her perceived lack of friends I pushed my friends to the side and was conscious of her feelings and tried to spend most of my time time with her. - At parts In the relationship my affection towards her waned and too this day I've never quite understood why as I've always found her extremely attractive. - We lived together for the last 2 months in our own flat but practically lived together for first two years at uni. - She was a very jealous women due to her ex (serial cheater) my communication towards women was hugely limited because of her jealousy. Reasons for break up (at least how I see it and from what she said) - She felt the spark had gone. - She felt I was a much happier person when with my friends and she always worried that she couldn't make me as happy. - lack of affection towards her - she felt we we're edging towards becoming friends more than lovers. - She felt alone in the relationship. - She had felt the above before moving in for 6 months and thought getting our own place might sort things. - In the last two months she started going out with work colleagues a lot, something she never used to do. RED FLAG - She says i made her feel trapped despite me giving up my family life and friends as I moved far away to be with her. post break up - She told me she loves me. - Said she'd she'll always love me. - She needed to decide whether the issues she had were in her head and not really issues. - the door would always be open for a return to the relationship. I picked up my stuff from our house 17 days ago, we had at tearful goodbye and I suggested the need of space for us both, she agreed. She contacted me 3 days after saying "I know I shouldn't be texting you but I wanted to know your okay" Follow up text from her another 5 days later, standard conversation asking about each others new jobs. Another follow up conversation now 6 days ago, again a wishy washy convo that was largely pointless. Each time she has initiated contact and I've responded in a short and civil manner, I personally don't believe in strict NC but more NIC/LC I fully understand that all the post break up speak from her is complete guilt about the hurt she has caused me/us and I'm fully aware that a new guy could be on the scene soon. I'm trying my best to heal now, she was the love of my life and it was a real shock to the system but as time pasts I try to understand what went wrong and why she did what she did. Some days I feel awful and some days I'm okay, she dominates my mind for about 60-70% of the day. I have slim hope of a reconciliation but I fully expect the worst, I don't imagine she will contact me anytime soon but I'll keep you all updated on the fallout and where life and feelings can go after a break up, least from my perspective. It's late here so I've given a very basic low level description on what happened over four years and there's more for me to tell, the more I post in this thread the more the situation should unravel. Thanks for reading and I'll be back to update soon.
Author Skalabanan Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 Just found out she's been playing down the breakup and telling people it's just one of those things, I genuinely thought it meant more than that to her, admittedly the people that told me about this aren't people she'd really confide normally but even so. She also told one girl that we've been broken up two months. It's just about been a month. She's living a completely different lifestyle compared to when she was with me, Its all very surreal and hard to take. What are people's thoughts on these actions, pretty minor to most but they deco struck a cord with me for some strange reason.
Exit Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 I read your first post followed by your next reply and well, you pretty much proved to yourself why the "not believing in full NC" and agreeing to leave the door open for a reconciliation leads to getting hurt and confused. You probably thought it was a good sign that she was contacting you every once in a while to have pointless conversations, but then you hear through the grapevine that she doesn't seem to be taking it too hardly and sounds like she is likely moving on. None of us want to believe in the harsh reality of full NC but it's there to avoid what you're feeling right now.
Author Skalabanan Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 I didn't expect her to be a nun and not enjoy life after me but it's a harsh and much needed wake up call to see it really hasn't hurt her like I thought it would. I genuinely don't believe another guy is there yet! But she wants to go out and enjoy life to the full and I can't say I blame her but That's life.
Author Skalabanan Posted July 22, 2012 Author Posted July 22, 2012 I read your first post followed by your next reply and well, you pretty much proved to yourself why the "not believing in full NC" and agreeing to leave the door open for a reconciliation leads to getting hurt and confused. You probably thought it was a good sign that she was contacting you every once in a while to have pointless conversations, but then you hear through the grapevine that she doesn't seem to be taking it too hardly and sounds like she is likely moving on. None of us want to believe in the harsh reality of full NC but it's there to avoid what you're feeling right now. Wise words. I'm a stubborn guy and the urge to contact her isn't actually very strong, I still check my phone hoping she's contacted me but that's pretty natural I'd imagine. She dominates my thoughts for large portions of the day but her life seems to be continuing just fine without me so I need to make sure mine does the same. You have so many harsh harsh lessons in a break up but if I don't learn and grow from them then more fool me. Day 22 NIC Day 10 NC
Gulf-Delta Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Just found out she's been playing down the breakup and telling people it's just one of those things, I genuinely thought it meant more than that to her, admittedly the people that told me about this aren't people she'd really confide normally but even so. She's lying. It means a great deal to her. She probably just doesn't want to admit it. She also told one girl that we've been broken up two months. It's just about been a month. She's living a completely different lifestyle compared to when she was with me, Its all very surreal and hard to take. What are people's thoughts on these actions, pretty minor to most but they deco struck a cord with me for some strange reason.
BooBoo1982 Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 She's lying. It means a great deal to her. She probably just doesn't want to admit it. Gulf-Delta, I love your positive attitude, I hope everything works out for you, you really deserve it.
Gulf-Delta Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Gulf-Delta, I love your positive attitude, I hope everything works out for you, you really deserve it. Thanks a lot. Just doing my best to help other people who may be in a my position.
Author Skalabanan Posted July 22, 2012 Author Posted July 22, 2012 Thanks a lot. Just doing my best to help other people who may be in a my position. Appreciated Delta. What's your position if you don't mind me asking?
Gulf-Delta Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Appreciated Delta. What's your position if you don't mind me asking? Ex left in January. In Feb. AFAIK, she was basically dating someone else on Valentine's Day...but still slept in my bed (no sex)....it was really a grieving process. We both knew it was over...it was like saying goodbye to a loved one with a terminal illness, I'd imagine. You spend a lot of time with someone before they pass on.... Anyway, we parted ways in April. Asked her if she loved me...she said she didn't know. So I said "I'm done"...found out she had a new BF...we've spoken here and there since then...partially just because, but partially because we had some financial loose ends... I sent her an email that was pretty deep about how I couldn't believe she did this, she fell for someone else, and so on, and she wrote back saying she never lied to me, and didn't love this guy, it's just "different". The last time I talked to her was late June. Since then I haven't talked to her, but through mutual friends heard she was "doing good" and is having some financial difficulty (she never was good with money but OMG I guess she's being pretty dumb with it these days). As of now, I have no idea how she feels about me, or if she's still with someone else, or what.
Author Skalabanan Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 Sorry to hear that, sounds tragic. How long was you together and do you feel you've made progress in healing since the break? My thought for today is when my ex said to me she can't imagine her life without me, reality seems to be that she can and is living it now. I will grow and learn so much from this breakup but I need to continue analysing the hell out of it first before I really formulate my plans.
Rorschach64 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Skalabanan is your ex a clone of my ex fiancee? :| Sounds almost exactly how mine reacted in all ways. I know you said in a previous post that you do not believe in the whole "they will come crawling back if they want you" theory, but if you go full NC like Exit suggested I am more than willing to bet she will take that little effort to contact you with something more meaningful than breadcrumbs, IF it happens at all. "My thought for today is when my ex said to me she can't imagine her life without me, reality seems to be that she can and is living it now." Yup, my ex said that to me too, but it has been a year of NC and not even a screw you message. Point is words are cheap, so don't dwell on everything she has said but on what she has done. Learn from the experience, it took me 4 months of analyzing my whole relationship, break up and all, to finally stop thinking about it constantly. Do not make plans around the notion of her coming back at all, make the plans about YOUR future, a future without her.
Author Skalabanan Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 Roschacha how long was you in your relationship with your fiancée ? She's been telling her friends that me and her are going to our mutual friends wedding together in Sept, we've never discussed this and I'd never agreed to anything of the sort. I know I need to analyse everything that's happened in the past as unfortunately that is the sort of person I am. I know she cares for me and will want me in her life in some shape or form but I also know that every comment during the BU was her alleviating her guilt. She wants a party life now and I have to accept that, she never had a circle of friends and now is her attempt to get that, it may lead her to becoming a different person, she might meet the man of her dreams or she may begin to put herself about a bit like she did before she met me, she also may come to the realisation that she let the best thing in her life go but whatever happens I now become the most important thing. Every development will be in this thread because quite frankly this has become the most therapeutic and cleansing experience post BU, you can only talk to your friends about it so much before you get the same opinions over and over.
Gulf-Delta Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Sorry to hear that, sounds tragic. How long was you together and do you feel you've made progress in healing since the break? My thought for today is when my ex said to me she can't imagine her life without me, reality seems to be that she can and is living it now. I will grow and learn so much from this breakup but I need to continue analysing the hell out of it first before I really formulate my plans. That's exactly what my ex said too. We were together for two years...I proposed 3 months in and she said yes...things were perfect for those two years until just after our anniversary...things started going sideways. I've made progress, but I still love her, and still haven't even talked to any girls that can match up to the person she used to be.
Author Skalabanan Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 She's just initiated contact again, 4th time. We've gone 3 days, 5 days, 6 days and then 11 days, the pattern is forming, if I reply the next contact will be in 20+ days and I'll be immensely unfulfilled by the conversation again?
DisGai Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 She's just initiated contact again, 4th time. We've gone 3 days, 5 days, 6 days and then 11 days, the pattern is forming, if I reply the next contact will be in 20+ days and I'll be immensely unfulfilled by the conversation again? Why not let it be 20+ days to begin with? You don't need to formulate a scheduled plan for maintaining NC. Having gone through full-on NC for ~4 months, I can say that it was truly worth it, and I encourage it. Helped my sanity, my pride, my self-dependence, etc.
Rorschach64 Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Answering your question: I was with my ex for two years, yes I know it is realitively quick in the grand scheme of life but I asked myself numerous times "Can I spend the rest of my life with this girl? Can I relocate everything to be with her?" Answer always came up as yes. Granted now, I feel the whole relationship was nothing but a farce though I look at it through jaded/vexed eyes. As for your current developments....DO NOT TEXT HER BACK! :\
Author Skalabanan Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 I stupidly replied, we had another completely pointless conversation which went absolutely no where, the dialogue is still going now but its tittering on the brink of pure nothingness. I can't moan, I knew this would happen and now I have to pay the consequences. Does she really just contact me to make sure I'm still there on a leash? This is exactly why I document all of this so I can look back and see first hand what a clown I was/am.
Author Skalabanan Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 The text conversation yesterday was strange. It seems like she does check in and make sure that I'm still there and responding to her. As the conversation developed she talked us going to this mutual wedding together again, she said she'd hoped I would say yes and if so she'd really be looking forward to seeing me. She mentioned us going for a coffee after work one evening, it all seems too soon too me and is fast tracking me into he friendzone. I jokingly said how I've changed my eating habits and she said she hoped I hadn't changed too much. I'm going to continue with the NIC and see what happens, it feels like we will slowly drift apart into the nothing land of friends that never speak but we shall see. Back into the land of NC, thanks for reading.
mb88 Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 Without being completely and utterly disrespectful, I think this whole thread is a bad idea - for you. Let me explain: I can understand what your feeling right now. I think most people will agree that there are generic feelings that come with every single break-up. Now, of course, all situations are different. But we all feel sad, lonely, hopeless, lost. It becomes harder to see what's in front of you, and you feel like you will never find anyone else - no one will ever make you feel that way again. It's impossible to see that level of love, commitment, and intimacy with anyone but that person. Now of course, your situation is different to mine and my own occured a longer time ago. (So I'm actually speaking from experience so please bear with me on this). But let's establish that break-ups carry certain consequences for our feelings, and some occur no matter who, what, where, when.. etc. is involved. The best thing you can do right now - I know you're sick of hearing it! - is go NC, completely. Everything by the way. Phone number - delete it. (You probably know it off by heart, but for the symbolism it carries, delete it!) Facebook - remove her as a friend (block her even), delete photos, remove posts - everything. Myspace, Twitter, and other social media.. do the same. Remove every single trace of her. Don't go to places where you know she'll be (If you can avoid it), if you bump into her (a) ignore her - believe me, I've seen it - or (b) be civil, smile, act normal, be happy and keep it short and sweet (literally 30 seconds max. then go). If mutual friends talk about, tell them you don't want to hear it. All a bit harsh, a bit cold, a bit extreme? Possibly. But it works. About a year ago now, perhaps more, a relationship of mine finished. Wasn't my first, but it was by far the most meaningful, committed, loving relationship I've ever had. We were together 3 1/2 years, so we were well beyofnd the 'honeymoon' period. Admittedly, it was me that did the dumping. I know many of us on this forum don't agree with the GIGS (Grass Is Greener Syndrome) but for simplicity, that's what caused me to do the dumping. I just needed a break and I began looking to the 'other side'. We were about to move in together and It was all too much. I was 24, she was 23, and I just felt like it was too soon. Now without causing a debate as to what GIGS is, what it entails, how it manifest itself (lets avoid this here!), my problem was that I needed to grow up and mature, to an even greater extent - I'm mid twenties but I still have a lot of learning to do! For the first month after the BU, I was fine. Missing her, concerned about her, hoping she was okay. One day, just over a month later, it hit me, completley and utterly out of the blue, like a haymaker. Floored. I panicked, realised I'd made a mistake, made a hasty decision. And even after a year, in hindsight, it was a hasty decision - problem is I didn't have the insight at the time to see this (tough luck). So I went and tried to work things out. At first I text her and asked how she was, and then asked to meet up for a coffee, just to clear things up. She agreed and we did. We gave our stuff back, and after that I felt even worse, the finality had really hit me then. I contacted her again and tried to work it out; she said maybe, but not now, maybe in a few months. So I waited. 3 Months after that I tried again, it was a no. 3 months after that, another no. All this time I was waiting, waiting, waiting, hoping and believe me, it is for nothing. You will go nowhere! You will not move forward and you will not get over it as quick if you hang on and wait. Texts, e-mails, phone calls, brief chats - hell even seeing them! - it just brings you back. Finally, about 7 months post-BU it I tried one more time, guess what? It was a big, fat, no! 7 months of my life, waiting? Sorry my friend, it is just not worth it. We haven't spoken or seen each other in about 6 months now. And I feel better than ever. I'm single, but at the same time I'm 'back in the game', I've had dates etc... but I won't rush anything. Believe me my friend, do not make the same mistake I did, it is just not worth it. If they want to be with you, they will. Believe me, they will crawl on their hands and knees through broken glass to come back. So why is this thread a bad idea? Your delaying the process. By all means come here and vent your anger, talk about it - it helps! But don't record the days and hours of NC, don't record every interaction. You will just overthink and overanalyze everything. I know it's hard to 'not think' about them - in fact it's probably impossible - but it goes away, and it will disappear quicker if you remove the reasons to think of her and that will remind you of her! Any break from a relationship is a time of growth and a time of renewal. You're a free man now, young and energetic. Go and live. Do everything that you couldn't do when you were in a relationship! Why hang on for someone that might never come back? If she wants to, she'll make the effort. From what I gather, that's not what she wants right now, as confused as she is! Go NC completely. It gets easier. I promise. "God helps those who help themselves".
Author Skalabanan Posted July 26, 2012 Author Posted July 26, 2012 Your right. The idea of this just gave me this odd safety cushion.
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