miss_jaclynrae Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Thank you for making this clear. You are the one that says: "I am single" when someone asks if you are multi dating. Nice try! I love how you stopped my quote where you found it convenient!
snug.bunny Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 I recently met this person and I really like her. We've gone out a couple times already and we're starting to get intimate like holding hands and playfully touching each other. However we're nowhere close to sex and I'd be surprised if it happened anytime soon (her average time is 2-3 months). I'm fine with this and I'm willing to wait because I really like her. Not according to this: For once in my life, I want to be able to have a slice of every cake (and not feel guilty at the same time). You should be able to communicate your wants/needs to the woman you're currently dating. If the above is how you feel, if it's what you need/want at this point in your life, say it. She also expressed that she did not want to get into a LTR anytime soon and she wouldn't mind taking it slow and casually date until she was ready. I'm also fine with this and said I wanted the same. Your statements are again, conflicting. Try to be a bit clearer with what you are looking for/want, because judging by the above, it doesn't sound like your entirely sure.
Leigh 87 Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 I just don't understand, if you really like someone and are allegedly "willing to wait"...why would you WANT to fk someone else? I have never been smitten with a guy and wanted to sleep with someone else! Like esp early on, it would NEVER cross my mind "ooh I like this guy so much he is amazing...oh I know what I'll do, I think I'll go sleep with a different guy!" :confused: This is how I feel. Although, I would " casually" see multiple guys, if I was single and not ready for a relationship; but I would make SURE they were on the same page as me. And literally tell them " look, I respect and like you a lot, but I am not mentally ready for a full on relationship, and want to fool around with guys I really like and who also like and respect me". You know. I have a middle groud between dating and being single. I am a hory girl and like being with guys, but rather than whoring about, I would " see" a guy or two at a time, and make sure we know each other well and like and respect one another. for me, there are: - guys I like and want to date ( who I would NOT multi date on) - guys I like and respect, who I want to have " fun" with - guys that are just friends. And I would not have sex with the " casual" guys I had fun with. Just fool around. Sex is for love, with me. ONly with men I love.
Leigh 87 Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Pierre - I GET that it SHOULD feel " wrong" if you are REALLY into someone, and you go and you still hook up with other people. It SHOULD feel " wrong" to date and be intimate with OTHER people, if you genuinely have strong feelings for a guy/girl. However, there IS middle ground; you do not always know if the person you go on ONE date with, is a person you REALLY like............ Therefore, you spend time getting to KNOW them, enough to determine if their long term material. THAT SAID - I did not know if I was " that" into my boyfriend when I first met him, yet I STILL could not " date others"... even though I had chances to IMMEDIATELY after I met him. .... I met my boyfriend, was not sure about him, then met another guy right afterwards who I had also been talking to.... He was more my type, but for SOME reason, it is just not in me to see more than one guy at a time. Once I had been sexual with my bf, I just could not see other men. Even though I was unsure about my bf. IN THEORY it would have been fine, but I am just not wired that way. So. In THEORY I think multi dating can be great! I just cannot do it personally. And I do not think it makes the people who do multi date, more adept at cheating, or m ore LIKELY to cheat. And hey - they key here, is to make sure your all on the same page; if you multi date, tell the guy you are seeing that " look, just so I know I am not hurting anyone, I obviously like you enough to get o know, but I do tend to keep my options open until I meet the right person".
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Jaclyn You are a bit misleading. Still married, but separated is not called "I am single". When asked if you are multi dating you reply; "I am single". There are some things that you conveniently omit so you can get a date. That is the mindset of the multi-dater. I have a feeling that you have never been one to date much. I don't know how many times I have to describe it, but unless I am in a relationship, I AM single.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 The issue is that multi daters are not always truthful. They claim not to lie, but they simply convenient omit to say they are multi dating. So mono daters are holier than thou due to what? They often are found to omit information a well, and I MARRIED a monodater. Look how that turned out. Your generalizations are baffling.
kaylan Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 (edited) Your own words keep making my point about the gluttony of most multi daters. And lets not forget Jaclyn going to the Ice cream parlor and eating all the ice cream flavors, ha. ha. Gluttony? Im a glutton for enjoying my free time until I meet the right woman? oooook buddy This is exactly the point Red Robin and I have been hammering to you folks. You guys are like butterflies. Always stinging and moving on.Stinging and moving on? Last I checked mono daters do the same thing! If there is no click, YOU MOVE ON. Im supposed to stick around and string a girl along and give 100% even though I know she isnt right for me? Gimme a break. The more you post the more you keep making my point! You just confirmed the misleading behavior you guys exhibit when dating the multitudes. You say "I 'll have fun with her" with no care in the world. You keep missing my entire point. Dating can be very fun and I dont lie to women I date. I dont mislead them either. They will know if I see long term potential with them or if I just want to have fun in the short term. Dating can be like that ya know, just two people having fun because they know theres not a long term click there. No misleading needed. Women always know pretty soon whether they are a relationship prospect or not. And I definitely dont sleep with them if I can sense they want more. Im not going to hurt anyone emotionally. Imagine if a multi dater came along and had fun with you even thou she does not give a $hit about you. Try to look at this from the other side. Why not be honest while dating. If you do not click just say so right away. In this instance the woman will not waste her time and emotional investment in kaylan who is not really interested, but wants to have some fun. Sorry, this is the typical multi dater behavior and I thank you for being honest.If I liked a girl and wanted something more than a little fun, yet I sensed her and I werent on the same page, Id be a smart boy and back off. Plus I dont date women who arent open about such things, so Id know early on how she felt about things. You keep talking about honesty, yet myself and others are CONSTANTLY telling you that we are honest with who we see in our dating lives. You just REFUSE to hear that and keep trying to label us as liars and users just because we multidate. Get over yourself bub. I tell women I am seeing how I see things going. They will know if Im down for the long term or just want to have some fun and someone to spend time with. If I can see we are on the same page, I move forward. If we arent on the same page, I back off. Simple. However you ignorantly keep making assumptions about what Im saying and just hear what you wanna hear. You have not met a keeper in your life?????? Maybe you spend too much time having fun with the women that are not worthy of you. You continue to make my points Kaylan. Do you not read my posts at all? I have said a couple times in this thread, and I have said many times on this forum, that I have been in love twice and felt I was with the right girl at those times in my life. Those relationships didnt last, so obviously I havent met the right woman for me like I said. My last girlfriend was a keeper in my eyes at time, hence why I dated her. But things didnt work, so in hindsight she wasnt really a keeper for me or the right girl for me. Anyways, I have fun in my single life, but I dont get too wild and see as many women as you might think. Im an average bloke really, with a normal dating life. I havent made any of your points at all actually. You simply dont read any of what I say and make silly assumptions. It is possible you may have seen her go by and missed her. Most multi daters don't know what they want. Statistically you must have come across a good one and missed her.ANYONE can have some person pass them by. Mono daters and multi daters can have this happen. More so a mono dater because they are meeting and connecting with less people. I wont miss a girl I actually meet though, because if I meet a girl and things feel right, Im going to be with her. And despite you continuing to make silly assumptions, many multidaters know what they want. Same with mono daters. In the end its all individual. I know what I want, but I havent met that woman yet. In the mean time I enjoy dating as I see fit. And what do you mean "statistically" missing a good one? How can you assume I must have missed the right girl for me? Im looking for the RIGHT girl. Not just any old "good one". Theres plenty of good women out there, but that doesnt mean Im compatible with all of them for a relationship. Finding the right person for you takes time. And I dont get in relationships just because someone is good enough. I get in relationships if I feel its with a woman I know I can fall in love with. Your track record is very poor. Most folks at your age have already found their soulmate. Even those that rarely date have already found the one at your age. You are having typical multi dater issues. Hundrerds of women, but no real value. NOTHING SINCE AGE 15.Poor track record? Actually my track record is average. Most people my age have been in love a few times. Ive been in love twice. Rather average. And no your wrong, most folks at 25 have not met their soulmates. Many people, especially around NY, dont marry until their around 30...and even then half of those marriages dont work. So much for soul mates at 25 huh? especially if many people are finding their soul mates at 30....and even beyond that when they find someone new after their divorce. Shows how much you know. Please look up the average age of marriage for our country, then control it for geographical area. Most people in their 20s in large cities/metro areas havent found their soulmate by their mid 20s And typical multi dater issues? Excuse you but I havent dated hundreds of women. I may multi date but I havent seen hundreds of women. Im only 25, and in between having relationships, friends with benefits, and hard crushes, even though I multi date, I havent had time to rack up dating numbers in the hundreds. And in that time I have found real value a few times. I keep saying Ive been in love twice since 15. But Ive also said in 10 years of dating, I havent found the right girl yet. That has NOTHING to do with multi dating. A lot of that has to do with going through the same motions everyone else does when on the path to the right mate. You have to grow up, figure out what you truly want, and experience life. That all takes time. Why else do you think most people dont settle down until their late 20s and married by 30? The average age for first marriage for men nationally is 28, and its a little later in big metro areas. Learn something. From WIKI Promiscuity, in human sexual behavior, is the practice of casual sex with multiple sexual partners.[1] Um ok.....I dont have casual sex with multiple partners. Ive told you I dont sleep with more than one woman at a time. I have a fairly average number of women Ive slept with too. You assume too much. Multi dating does not mean I FVK every girl I date. Now let me ask you: Do you think there is a relationship between promiscuity and low self esteem?It depends on the person. Did it ever occur to you that some people enjoy sex and variety? A decent portion of the slutty men and women Ive know have had pretty good self esteem bordering on arrogance. You make way too many assumptions and come off as a judgmental prude in my opinion. Edited July 21, 2012 by kaylan 2
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Kaylan: This is the main issue here. Many multi daters are vague and evasive. They are often misleading because they have to figure out whether they like YOU versus the other 10 people they recently dated. Isn't that the point of dating? To figure out if one even LIKES the person? They also have to deal with the issue of seeing a few more dates they have lined up. YOU may be a keeper but they rather keep sampling the store. Just ask Jaclyn! She is going to sample every single flavor of ice cream in the shop before making a decision. Of course we all know that at the end she will be more confused than at the onset. Hmmm... wait, if the whole point is to find a keeper how can I not do that while seeing if someone else is a keeper? I find it to actually be more efficient. If they end up not being a keeper... I STOP DATING THEM. Let me ask you some questions: Are you willing to date a woman that is seeing a few other men while she is intimate with you? Yes, I am perfectly fine with him seeing other people even if we are intimate together, which is usually rarely the case since I don't always get intimate so quickly. Are you willing to take her BS about not being ready to be in a LTR as an excuse to string you along? Or as an excuse so she can continue to sample other men and compare them to you? Who says multi-daters dont want LTRs? If I find the right one I either keep dating him until we become exclusive or he ends up NOT being the one and I stop dating him. Are you willing to put your penis in a recently f****ed vagina? I don't care as long as he is clean. I don't need to know who he last ****ed or if he has ****ed anyone else at all. Are you willing to be canceled on a date because another better date came up for her? I have never done this ever.... where do you get this **** from!?! 1
RedRobin Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 (edited) ... and I'm going to suggest that some people don't use dating as the sole path to romantic self-awareness. Maybe, just maybe, people like me and Pierre know ourselves very well... and have a great deal of experience being around all kinds of people... perhaps?? And we don't have to sample every flavor of ice cream in the shop to get a sense of what it will taste like if we did. This is part of the reason there are arguments here on LS... I don't tend to date strangers... and I've got plenty of life-experience that... believe it or not... has given me plenty of insight into how someone would be as a partner without even walking into the store Eventually you will get there too. Hopefully STD free and without too much emotional damage to yourselves and others. We have cautioned some of you to slow down a bit... that's all.... To take some care about what the other person may be thinking or feeling. As for me... It has sunk in with me that... even if/when I came across an honest multi-dater... I'm not compelled to spend time with him in a romantic way because I don't appreciate or respect his decision making process when it comes to partners. It is a fundamental lack of compatibility. We can be friends, but I personally can't get emotionally invested in a guy who uses that process... no matter how honest he may or may not be. So, long story short... I have decided for ME that I would not knowingly date a multi-dater and so would prefer they are honest about the fact that is their style. Nothing personal. Believe it or not, I'm not out to convert anyone. I've attempted to explain why I use my process and why it is right for me. That's all. The only times I get pissed, is when I see some multi-daters who can't respond with a simple yes or no answer if asked if they are seeing others. Or they lie and are vague about other details of their life. Don't make me pull out a damned dictionary and read through 10 definitions of 'single'. It just isn't that hard. Edited July 22, 2012 by RedRobin
seachangeoflove Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 However, you said if you did not think they were the ONE you would have fun with them. I hope you are honest when you simply want to have fun with a woman. I say this because it seems it is important for you to see women that are open about their intentions. women are not delicate kittens that need rescuing out of trees. plenty of us are able to handle our bodies and emotions just fine. And sometimes, some of us play with the men. AND THEY LIKE IT. you can seriously not be a real poster.....I don't even think back in the 1920s men were as 'chivalrous' as you claim to be.
oaks Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 The only times I get pissed, is when I see some multi-daters who can't respond with a simple yes or no answer if asked if they are seeing others. Or they lie and are vague about other details of their life. Don't make me pull out a damned dictionary and read through 10 definitions of 'single'. It just isn't that hard. If I get asked "are you seeing others" on my next date, the full and complete and honest answer is likely to be "I saw someone last week, but I haven't made any plans to see her or anyone else in the future". I suppose I could give a simple yes or no answer, but "yes" would be incorrect and "no" probably wouldn't tell you what you wanted to know (ie that I'm a multi-dater). In that situation, would you prefer the non-simple (but honest and more complete) answer? And how would you react? If there's a conversation to be had about dating styles, you might even get me to agree to not see anyone else while I'm dating you!
Sugarkane Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 I want to take things slow because he is a total stranger... and I'm sick and tired of every guy I come across putting the moves on me and expecting me to f*ck them by date 3... while they also multi- I just love it how multi-daters come up with every excuse under the sun to do whatever they feel like doing without telling the other person. Lovely. Just lovely. There is a word for that behavior... chicken-sh*t. Can I send this to The last jerk I dated who said he wanted a relationship just to get into my pants?
RedRobin Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Can I send this to The last jerk I dated who said he wanted a relationship just to get into my pants? Thank you for the compliment, but I doubt it would help you if you did. yes, there are people who will say they are looking for a relationship and will say they want to be exclusive with you... when all they want is a quick f*ck. It is your job to get to know them well enough to insure that their words and actions are consistent.
RedRobin Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 (edited) If I get asked "are you seeing others" on my next date, the full and complete and honest answer is likely to be "I saw someone last week, but I haven't made any plans to see her or anyone else in the future". I suppose I could give a simple yes or no answer, but "yes" would be incorrect and "no" probably wouldn't tell you what you wanted to know (ie that I'm a multi-dater). In that situation, would you prefer the non-simple (but honest and more complete) answer? And how would you react? If there's a conversation to be had about dating styles, you might even get me to agree to not see anyone else while I'm dating you! Some options.... If a one word answer is required "yes" is the most honest because that states your intentions and behavior most accurately. "No", while technically 'correct' at that moment is only a temporary state until you find the next date or while you wait for a return phone call. It is the answer of convenience... not honesty. If you care to fill in the blanks, you can say "My style is to get to know people casually for awhile. Until I have a discussion about exclusivity, I assume one or both of us are doing the same. How about you?" Or you can say "yes (or no), but I'm not exclusive with any one. However, I believe in being upfront too. Thank you for asking!" That would leave the door open for someone like me to fill in with my style and see if there was any possible overlap. Edited July 22, 2012 by RedRobin
oaks Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Some options.... If a one word answer is required "yes" is the most honest because that states your intentions and behavior most accurately. "No", while technically 'correct' at that moment is only a temporary state until you find the next date or while you wait for a return phone call. It is the answer of convenience... not honesty. I knew we'd disagree on that. I don't have any particular "intent" to multi-date (sometimes it happens, I can expand on that if you're curious), so saying "yes" due to intent wouldn't be right at all, and I generally consider that "seeing" someone to indicate an ongoing process (eg agreed dates, or at least intention for some). All I really described earlier is someone who had a date last week and doesn't want to see the person again. That could be a multi-dater, or it could just be someone who had a date that didn't work out... so I don't see how saying "yes" to "are you seeing anyone" is correct for someone who isn't seeing anyone and has no plans to do so! How does that even make sense? Have I been dating people recently? Yes, definitely, but then I'm on a dating site looking for a relationship, so that doesn't seem too outrageous. But, am I seeing anyone right now, in just one word? "No!" If you care to fill in the blanks, I'd probably wait to see how you reacted to the revelation that I went on a date last week, before ploughing on with more! Some people get upset that the person they are one a first date with has a recent dating history before them (which I think is weird if you meet via a dating site! and might be weird anyway). But, yes, I have had those sorts of conversations with people before. I did have a woman ask me once "are you seeing other people" and I said "no" (which was true - I think my last date was about 5 weeks earlier and didn't go anywhere, and there weren't any plans or even conversations with anyone else). I figured she was asking because she didn't like the idea of multi-dating - but I was wrong. I repeated the same question back to her and she told me that she had seen someone recently and that she didn't think she was exclusive with him or anyone right now. We had another date a week later, but things didn't progress further.
RedRobin Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 (edited) I'd probably wait to see how you reacted to the revelation that I went on a date last week, before ploughing on with more! Fair enough. Some people get upset that the person they are one a first date with has a recent dating history before them (which I think is weird if you meet via a dating site! and might be weird anyway). I don't know if I'd get upset... but if I asked if they were 'single' before going on a date or asking them on one...and then it comes out that they just had sex with someone last week or yesterday... and it appears entertaining the option of having sex with them tomorrow or next week... or are hitting on me and expecting me to fill in now... I'm pretty sure our values wouldn't be in line... If we were on a 'date', I'd find a way to wrap up that line of conversation politely and without offense and then end the date... No more digging needed on my part. To the extent that the majority of multi-daters I've met need to hide their routine casual sex habits and avoid scrutiny from new people they meet (and justify doing so!!) is the main reason I avoid ALL multi-daters... Sucks for the handful of multi-daters that don't have casual sex, but oh well. One can't be bothered dealing with the outliers. Just a choice I've made. But, yes, I have had those sorts of conversations with people before. I did have a woman ask me once "are you seeing other people" and I said "no" (which was true - I think my last date was about 5 weeks earlier and didn't go anywhere, and there weren't any plans or even conversations with anyone else). I figured she was asking because she didn't like the idea of multi-dating - but I was wrong. I repeated the same question back to her and she told me that she had seen someone recently and that she didn't think she was exclusive with him or anyone right now. We had another date a week later, but things didn't progress further. It is good to have these kinds of communications... certainly. Edited July 22, 2012 by RedRobin
snug.bunny Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Isn't that the point of dating? To figure out if one even LIKES the person? I agree. Ultimately, it's a matter of perspective... Some prefer to ‘experiment’ with one person for a few dates and see how it goes, to determine whether or not he/she likes the person, are compatible, etc. Some prefer to ‘experiment’ with more than one person simultaneously for a few dates and see how it goes, to determine whether or not he/she likes the person, are compatible, etc. I came across this list of pros/cons: Advantages of Multiple-Dating You have a backup. If one person decides to leave you, you don’t have anything to worry about as you have others. You will hardly miss him/her. You are emotionally secured. It will be rare for you to be broken-hearted because someone cheats on you or leaves you. As you are already doing the same, he/she doing it will have little or no impact on you. Multi dating spares your feelings as you do not attach yourself to one person in an overly deep manner. It speeds up your searching time. If you are looking for the "right person", you will make faster progress studying multiple people at once than just one person at a time. If it happens the only person you are dating is not Mr./Miss. Right, then you have to start the search all over again with another person. It is a fun and exciting lifestyle. You only live once.It boosts your self-confidence.You can afford to be picky and call the shots.You remain a challenge.It allows you to keep your options open and an open mind about what is right and ideal. Disadvantages of Multiple-Dating It can alter your lifestyles. You may become a cheat and a liar if it crosses into the territory where you need to tell lies or omit the truth to maintain multiple people at the same time. It is an expensive lifestyle. Keeping multiple women is not cheap. It will cost you time, strength and money. Are you ready for this? In these days of Sexually Transmitted Diseases, keeping multiple people put you more at risk.It takes up a lot of your time.Your reputation can become "tainted".You might pass up a potentially good relationship.It can evoke feelings of jealousy and guilt and become harmful.By dating multiple people, you're relying more on luck (and/or "odds") than dating experience to figure out which ones are keepers and which ones to throw back. Some people view dating/relationships mathematically, some don't. Not sure if one way is better than the other.
kaylan Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Jaclyn and Kaylan need to read this. Thanks for posting Read what? An opinion post based on her own view and style of multi dating? Not everyone multi dates the same way...so while she made some good points, she made some bad ones as well as those points didnt pertain to me and how I date. Theres no one way to multi-date or mono date.
RedRobin Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 I agree. Ultimately, it's a matter of perspective... Some prefer to ‘experiment’ with one person for a few dates and see how it goes, to determine whether or not he/she likes the person, are compatible, etc. Some prefer to ‘experiment’ with more than one person simultaneously for a few dates and see how it goes, to determine whether or not he/she likes the person, are compatible, etc. I came across this list of pros/cons: Advantages of Multiple-Dating You have a backup. If one person decides to leave you, you don’t have anything to worry about as you have others. You will hardly miss him/her. You are emotionally secured. It will be rare for you to be broken-hearted because someone cheats on you or leaves you. As you are already doing the same, he/she doing it will have little or no impact on you. Multi dating spares your feelings as you do not attach yourself to one person in an overly deep manner. It speeds up your searching time. If you are looking for the "right person", you will make faster progress studying multiple people at once than just one person at a time. If it happens the only person you are dating is not Mr./Miss. Right, then you have to start the search all over again with another person. It is a fun and exciting lifestyle. You only live once.It boosts your self-confidence.You can afford to be picky and call the shots.You remain a challenge.It allows you to keep your options open and an open mind about what is right and ideal. Disadvantages of Multiple-Dating It can alter your lifestyles. You may become a cheat and a liar if it crosses into the territory where you need to tell lies or omit the truth to maintain multiple people at the same time. It is an expensive lifestyle. Keeping multiple women is not cheap. It will cost you time, strength and money. Are you ready for this? In these days of Sexually Transmitted Diseases, keeping multiple people put you more at risk.It takes up a lot of your time.Your reputation can become "tainted".You might pass up a potentially good relationship.It can evoke feelings of jealousy and guilt and become harmful.By dating multiple people, you're relying more on luck (and/or "odds") than dating experience to figure out which ones are keepers and which ones to throw back. Some people view dating/relationships mathematically, some don't. Not sure if one way is better than the other. Yes, good post.
snug.bunny Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Thanks for posting My pleasure. We do what works for us. We have our own moral/ethical code to follow. We are all on different paths/different stages at different times in our lives. It either matches up with our own individually, or, it doesn't.
kaylan Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 I guess you are an honest multi dater.Its not that rare. An honest person will be honest in all areas of life. I also see that you expect honesty and hence you like women that are open about what they are looking for. However, you said if you did not think they were the ONE you would have fun with them. I hope you are honest when you simply want to have fun with a woman. I say this because it seems it is important for you to see women that are open about their intentions. Do I not keep saying Im honest about what I want? Kaylan: This is the main issue here. Many multi daters are vague and evasive. They are often misleading because they have to figure out whether they like YOU versus the other 10 people they recently dated. Many daters in general can be vague and evasive, not just multi daters. And typically most multidaters arent seeing 10 different people at once, so thats a stretch. They also have to deal with the issue of seeing a few more dates they have lined up. YOU may be a keeper but they rather keep sampling the store. Just ask Jaclyn! She is going to sample every single flavor of ice cream in the shop before making a decision. Of course we all know that at the end she will be more confused than at the onset. I think what me and Jackie keep telling you though, is that if we find the right person, we stop sampling the store. And in my case, I know rather quickly if the girl has long term potential. If we dont find someone with potential, we enjoy samples in the mean time. I dont see the big deal here. No one is going to end up more confused....we know what we are looking for and are waiting to find it. I am not willing to deal with a multi dater that behaves in that manner.And this is what I think the main problem is....not how "big and bad" most multidaters supposedly are...but how insecure people like you and RR are regarding us. You make assumption, on top of negative assumption about all of us, without realizing how variable peoples characters and dating styles are. Not every multi dater dates the same way. Not every multi daters behaves in the manner in which you describe. Its very possible that I will multidate sometime in the future and then stumble upon a great girl I want to be with who happens to be a mono dater. If we get to know each other well and click, then Id drop everyone else in a heartbeat. But if theres no click, I go on as usual. Let me ask you some questions: Are you willing to date a woman that is seeing a few other men while she is intimate with you? If she is sleeping with more than a guy at once, probably not, as I dont do sleep with multiple women in a given period myself. Itd show we have a different view of sexual health issues. But why ask this question....why are you assuming, yet again, that all or even most multi daters sleep around? Many dont, such as myself. And many of us will only sleep with one person at a time. Now if the girl were seeing a few guys, but not sleeping with any of them, then Id be cool. I dont mind a gal who is casually meeting different guys to try and find the right fit for her. However, if a guy or girl is not looking for the right person, and just want to enjoy single life, Im not going to hate on them for enjoying sex either. Are you willing to take her BS about not being ready to be in a LTR as an excuse to string you along? Or as an excuse so she can continue to sample other men and compare them to you? Take her BS? Did we not just talk about how I only deal with honest women? If a girls looking to string me along in any way, whether she has options or not, Im gonna walk. If shes meeting other guys and just casually dating without sex, while her and I get to know each other before getting serious, then Im cool. But if shes screwing them and then trying to lay down with me...no dice. And I already explained why. Are you willing to put your penis in a recently f****ed vagina?Knowingly? Id rather not....but Ive been to college and am still in the bar scene, so Im sure I have hooked up with a girl who just hooked up with another bloke.(be it kissing, oral , or sex) Condoms make things safer though. But If were talking about a chick I actually want to date, then usually recent sexual history may come up....because both parties usually find out if anyone is seeing anyone else. In which case Im not screwing her if shes smashing someone else. Are you willing to be canceled on a date because another better date came up for her? She better not have me find out lol. Rejection is rejection no matter what though. Dont act like mono daters never cancel on someone once deciding they dont like them much and have their eye on someone better. 1
oaks Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 I don't know if I'd get upset... but if I asked if they were 'single' before going on a date or asking them on one...and then it comes out that they just had sex with someone last week or yesterday... and it appears entertaining the option of having sex with them tomorrow or next week... or are hitting on me and expecting me to fill in now... I'm pretty sure our values wouldn't be in line... Why are we suddenly talking about sex? I thought we were talking about dating (and exclusivity and rules or whatever the topic was). If we were on a 'date', I'd find a way to wrap up that line of conversation politely and without offense and then end the date... No more digging needed on my part. but but but... we weren't even talking about sex! To the extent that the majority of multi-daters I've met need to hide their routine casual sex habits and avoid scrutiny from new people they meet (and justify doing so!!) is the main reason I avoid ALL multi-daters... Oh, fair enough if that's your experience, but all I've really given you in this little role-play is that I went on a date last week and don't intend to see her again. That isn't having sex, and it isn't even multi-dating! Sucks for the handful of multi-daters that don't have casual sex, but oh well. One can't be bothered dealing with the outliers. Just a choice I've made. Phew. I think we both just dodged a bullet there. It is good to have these kinds of communications... certainly. Yes, indeed! Although I don't generally bring up the topic of sex on a first date... I find that the people I want to date don't usually want to move that quickly. 1
oaks Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 I came across this list of pros/cons: Fairly obvious what the view of the author is, since it has the same assumptions and holier-than-thou whiff about it as some posts in this thread, but interesting all the same. It's definitely one take on the "rules" that might exist when dating without exclusivity. (as an aside, I'm both mildly amused and pleasantly surprised that this thread seems to be remaining broadly on topic and mostly civil despite clearly being another of those multi-dating arguments we have from time to time!)
RedRobin Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Why are we suddenly talking about sex? I thought we were talking about dating (and exclusivity and rules or whatever the topic was). I was referring to the definition of 'single' touched on in earlier posts... And my request for information regarding their 'dating' habits. "are you seeing anyone?" No, I don't care whether 'seeing' someone means they are having sex or not. I'm not about to go 'round and 'round on the multi-dater dictionary. If they are 'seeing' other women while they are 'seeing' me, they might as well be f*cking all them for all I care. I'm not investing in them emotionally. Hence, waste of time for me. It's that simple. but but but... we weren't even talking about sex! I'm not sure you need to. Depending on your behavior during our date, I'll figure it out. 1
oaks Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 I'm not about to go 'round and 'round on the multi-dater dictionary. If they are 'seeing' other women while they are 'seeing' me, they might as well be f*cking all them for all I care. What does this have to do with multi-dating? The (hypothetical) scenario was where I had dated someone else the week before a date with you. That's not seeing someone while seeing you (especially since I clarified that I have no intention to see her), so whatever definition of 'seeing' you're using I don't see why it's coming from a multi-dater dictionary. You're the one who's equating a date with sex, too. That didn't come from a multi-dater dictionary, it came from you. Now, if you don't wish to date someone who had another date recently, that's fine (really! and I can see many reasons why someone might hold that view) but don't use that as an excuse to trot out the tired old 'multi-daters are having lots of sex' argument - it's a bit of a non sequitur.
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