miss_jaclynrae Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 You are regurgitating the standard dogma. In the mean time multi daters remain single. When you are dating more than one at a time you cannot establish a meaningful connection. You may think you do, but you are wrong. 100% on one woman is not the same as 10% on ten women. You may think you are pulling that off, but at the end you are back to square one. You can physically f**** several woman at once, but you can only make a true emotional romantic connection with one woman at a time. You are fooling yourself. However, if that is what you want then I see nothing wrong with that. Miss Seuss thinks she has success after a couple of months. Lets check with her in 6 months. Duh they are single, they are dating. Aren't non multi dating people single too? 1
Drseussgrrl Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I find it rather disgusting that you and RR are somehow feeling smug assuming that my new relationship won't work out or that one of us will cheat because we happened to be dating like single people do when we met. Neither of us cheated on anyone to be together. Neither of us were dishonest. We met, clicked, and a few months later decided to be exclusive. That's how it works. How miserable are both of you, honestly? 2
mortensorchid Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 This reminds me of a story about a coworker who I will call Helen. Last year, she and her husband divorced. She has a boyfriend. This boyfriend, when he met her, asked his wife if he could have sex with Helen just once and it not mean anything. What his wife's answer is/was? Unknown. But he claimed that he thought she had said "yes, go ahead". He does the deed, the wife kicked him out, and now he is living with Helen off and on, and has on more than one occasion gone back to the estranged wife to beg her forgiveness. Sometimes she takes him back, then he misses Helen, leaves, and goes back to Helen. He will then get tired of the Helen, leave, and go back to the wife. This vicious cycle continues. You are the boyfriend. You are justifying yourself with the "men have needs" arguement. Needs? Well, yes, we all have them. But you are trying to have your cake and eat it too. Either be with this woman that you like, or go and do something nasty with the former girlfriend because you could not control yourself. And if you choose the second path, know that it was your choice to do this and you have no one to blame but yourself.
RedRobin Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 (edited) :lmao::lmao::lmao: Lets say you go to get ice cream. You walk in and pick one you think you will like and that is it. Question: what are the chances you wont like it? I would say pretty high don't you think? Unless you get lucky. I walk in to get ice cream. I walk in and ask for a taste of as many as possible. After trying SO many, I find one that I just LOVE. The chances of me not liking it are obsolete. Which one makes more sense to do? Try all of them... your teeth will be rotten, you will be as big as a house, and have a higher than likely chance of getting diabetes or heart disease... all because you couldn't possibly narrow down your choice of ice cream to a reasonable number. In the meantime, a non multi-dater went in with specific criteria (she did her research before going into the shop). Armed with self-knowledge, she selectively 'tasted' a small handful... savoring each one carefully before sampling another... then walked out with a very nice cone... She then went on about her life enjoying not just ice cream... but other foods and activities as well because she wasn't so busy sampling every damned flavor in the shop.... or re-circling back to ones she'd tried before because she forgot what they tasted like. The End. Edited July 20, 2012 by RedRobin
kaylan Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 (edited) You are regurgitating the standard dogma. In the mean time multi daters remain single. Are you kidding me? How would you know that everyone who multi dates is single? I know plenty of multi daters with boyfriends and girlfriends right now. Some multi daters are single, others are not. Same for mono daters. There are multi daters posters on this board currently in relationships you know. Way to make up silly facts bro. When you are dating more than one at a time you cannot establish a meaningful connection. You may think you do, but you are wrong. 100% on one woman is not the same as 10% on ten women. You may think you are pulling that off, but at the end you are back to square one.Who are you to tell me I cannot establish a meaningful connection? Just because you dont agree with my position does not mean you can decide what I am or am not capable of feeling. I can go out on a date with a girl on Wednesday night and feel nothing for her, then really click with a different girl on Saturday night and start to build a connection...all the while still talking to the first girl just to make sure nothing was there, without it doing anything to my feelings for the second girl. Im not a fortune teller, so since Im not sure where either road leads, Im open to both girls, and then If and when I do get a big click with a woman, Ill date her exclusively and then focus solely on her...AFTER the big click. Going on dates with other women doesnt damage my emotional capabilities. Either I click with someone or I dont. If your little assertion were true, then people wouldnt be able to hold torches for their exes or for a particular crush while they are talking to other people (yet they do). A connection is a connection is a connection, regardless if you mono or multi date. A woman does not get 100% of me until Ive decided shes someone I want to be exclusive to. And seeing as finding the right person is rare, it makes no sense for me to devote 100% of myself to someone I dont have true feelings for and know I wont have those feelings for. Stop trying to tell other what they are feeling. You are not God. You can physically f**** several woman at once, but you can only make a true emotional romantic connection with one woman at a time. You are fooling yourself.Wow did I not say I only screw one woman at a time? Please read thoroughly next time. And even if someone was sleeping with more than one woman at a time, it doesnt mean they couldnt fall for two great woman. Some in the world are polyamorous. I myself am not, but Im not going to tell others who feel romantic love for more than one person, that their love isnt real. And Im not going to tell myself its impossible for me to care deeply for two women at once. Its happened with numerous folks, but they usually end up choosing one. Romantic love isnt always a singular thing. I may prefer singular romantic love in my life, but it doesnt mean those who experience more than one love are wrong. However, if that is what you want then I see nothing wrong with that. Miss Seuss thinks she has success after a couple of months. Lets check with her in 6 months.You see nothing wrong with it, yet you keep bashing people and telling them what they think and feel is wrong....as if you truly know what goes on inside them and within their lives....ok, whatever you say. And yes, Ms. Seuss has had success. But why are you acting like 6 months from now, shes going to fail JUST because shes a multi dater? Mono daters fail all the time too you know. Get over yourself dude.This reminds me of a story about a coworker who I will call Helen. Last year, she and her husband divorced. She has a boyfriend. This boyfriend, when he met her, asked his wife if he could have sex with Helen just once and it not mean anything. What his wife's answer is/was? Unknown. But he claimed that he thought she had said "yes, go ahead". He does the deed, the wife kicked him out, and now he is living with Helen off and on, and has on more than one occasion gone back to the estranged wife to beg her forgiveness. Sometimes she takes him back, then he misses Helen, leaves, and goes back to Helen. He will then get tired of the Helen, leave, and go back to the wife. This vicious cycle continues. You are the boyfriend. You are justifying yourself with the "men have needs" arguement. Needs? Well, yes, we all have them. But you are trying to have your cake and eat it too. Either be with this woman that you like, or go and do something nasty with the former girlfriend because you could not control yourself. And if you choose the second path, know that it was your choice to do this and you have no one to blame but yourself. Dunno why we are using the story of a cheating husband to compare to OPs situation. Last I checked: 1. Op is single. Not married or with a girlfriend. 2. The girl told OP she wants to date CASUALLY and does NOT want an LTR anytime soon. 3. Wouldnt a single man, whos casually dating a girl who doesnt want exclusivity with him, be able to see other women? Or is he supposed to behave like a committed boyfriend even though she doesnt want him to be a boyfriend? I agree he should do what he wants and own his actions. But there shouldnt be some idea of "blame" floating about. Hes going to do what he wants, and the girl can respond based on how she feels. If we want to talk about blame, then if he sleeps with his ex and the new girl gets mad, then the new girl can blame herself for telling the guy she likes that she didnt want to be with him and only wanted to be casual. Seems to me shes keeping her options open and OP shouldnt even care much about upsetting her. Personally, if I really liked a girl and she told me what OP was told, Id see other women and soon forget her. Why would I continue something with a girl who knows I really like her, yet tells me she wants to keep it casual with no commitment anytime soon. Sounds to me like she didnt like me much and we arent on the same page. Edited July 20, 2012 by kaylan
fishtaco Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I find it rather disgusting that you and RR are somehow feeling smug assuming that my new relationship won't work out or that one of us will cheat because we happened to be dating like single people do when we met. Neither of us cheated on anyone to be together. Neither of us were dishonest. We met, clicked, and a few months later decided to be exclusive. That's how it works. How miserable are both of you, honestly? A lot of the times we have gender wars, arguing about certain issues. Men and women tend to stand on opposite ends of controversial topics. Then it's never ending and always going back and forth. Because both perspectives offer valid points. However, when you see both men and women converge on arguing against certain posters... I think it's a pretty good clue that they have no idea what they're talking about. They are fighting for some unknown cause that's not even controversial; they are just basically venting their own biased opinions. I believe you, and many posters on LS, have the ability to know when someone is being difficult for the sake of being difficult. It's pretty obvious actually. When that happens, sometimes I use the ignore function. It works pretty well. Don't get sucked into pointless internet fights. You'll get all frustrated, while they're probably having a great time trolling you.
ThaWholigan Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Please re-read these key words in your post. You are making my point. When you want to buy the entire store you lose track of what you really want to purchase. The you foolishly tell yourself you might as well try them all. Just read Jaclyn's post above, it is quite foolish even though it seems to make sense. You will never find a single person with perfect qualities and therefore you keep sampling. You keep waiting for someone better and then one day you realize the best one passed you by. As a multi dater you are also programming yourself for the thrill of the NEW on a regular basis. Think about a person with new money and a person with old money. The person with new money loses sight of reality. You are then afraid to just settle down for one woman and are always looking for one that is better. You constantly look ahead and remain unsatisfied. In the end you become an attention whore and this can only be accomplished with multi dating. In fact multi daters often sek external validation. It is no accident that they are often vain. Sounds familiar? Why are you being so disrespectful? You have no idea whether his dating style works for him or not, where are these assumptions coming from?
ThaWholigan Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 He said it would be rare to find the right woman. His words, not mine. Please point out where I was disrespectful. The term attention whore is an idiomatic expression. Furthermore, I used the term YOU in general terms. It is simply a writing style. It depends on what you're looking for. I think it's better for some to multi-date, and better for others not to. Personally, some people. There is a con to mono-dating that is very real, in that one may build connections to people that in the end one is not in love with in the end, Multi-dating can minimize that risk initially, but I don't think it negates one's ability to be loyal in a relationship that you seem to be implying. Furthermore, consider that dating one at a time, is not even a guarantee for a connection, and therefore would take longer in general. You can argue that it takes long to build a connection, but some prefer to make a quicker decision over whether this is a person that one wants to build a connection with in general. I can't say that I would multi-date, but that is because to an extent I'm picky. People are looking for different things, in different avenues, so one dating style may not work for another. I am assuming you believe that everyone should date they way you do? Correct me if wrong. I don't think that is so personally, it may not work for everyone, and it may even put some at greater risk of not being able to even date. 1
kaylan Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Please re-read these key words in your post. You are making my point. When you want to buy the entire store you lose track of what you really want to purchase. The you foolishly tell yourself you might as well try them all. Just read Jaclyn's post above, it is quite foolish even though it seems to make sense. You arent getting it. I know what I want to purchase. And if presented with that item, no other item will distract me. But until I find that item, I will enjoy all the other items in the mean time. Basically I know what Im looking for in a woman, and I know very quickly if a new girl is right for me. So no girl gets 100% right off the bat unless she gives me that "right" feeling. If she doesnt give me that feeling, then Ill have fun dating her and others for a little bit. Im not losing track of the woman I really want because I havent met her yet, but when I do, ill know right then and there, and thats when ill drop everyone else. You will never find a single person with perfect qualities and therefore you keep sampling. You keep waiting for someone better and then one day you realize the best one passed you by. As a multi dater you are also programming yourself for the thrill of the NEW on a regular basis. Think about a person with new money and a person with old money. The person with new money loses sight of reality. Im not looking for perfect qualities. Im looking for the girl who makes me want her and only her. I know exactly how I feel when I come across such a girl, and sampling other women in the mean time doesnt cloud my vision of what I truly want. Im not the kind of person who looks for perfect and then has regrets. I know no one is perfect...all Im looking for is that right girl I click with. Stop jumping to all these ill founded conclusions about dating failure just because you dislike multi dating. Plenty of people succeed and fail with both mono dating and multi dating. Im not programming myself for the 'new' with multi dating. Being the guy I am, multi dating allows me to enjoy women and world. When the right times comes and/or the right woman comes along, then Ill date her exclusively, because Im programmed for the right girl. Things will be great when shes new in my life, and when shes not new, no other girl will be better, because they arent her....they arent the right girl. And actually, people with money lose sight of reality all the time, whether its new or not. Its all individual. Some people are mature about money, others arent. Stop making all these assumptions. You are then afraid to just settle down for one woman and are always looking for one that is better. You constantly look ahead and remain unsatisfied. In the end you become an attention whore and this can only be accomplished with multi dating. In fact multi daters often sek external validation. It is no accident that they are often vain. Sounds familiar? Um no....since I was 15 I always had it in my heart to fall for that right one girl. If I decide to be exclusive with a woman, there is no thinking about or looking for someone better. I dont do that. Im always very satisfied once I decide to make a girl mine...why? Because Im sure of what I want...and when I get it, I dont let go. And wow....multi dating is about attention whoring? Um, no....for many people its about variety, enjoying different social atmospheres, or simply expanding your dating pool in search of the right person. Its funny how you keep bashing and throwing around these critical assumptions about multi daters as if mono daters never cheat, never lie, and never seek external validation. Do you hear yourself? I know plenty of attention whores who dont see more than one person at a time....so how do you explain that one?
RedRobin Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 (edited) My family history, friends, and successful people in my social circle are evidence (to me at least) of what works in the long run... at least for those who are looking for a committed relationship (ideally for life). They are my model. They were not multi-daters. The few that ended up divorced, remarried after dating as a non-multi-dater and have been married to that spouse for many, many years. Nearly all of them are successful in life in ways *I* consider successful. If I appear 'smug' it is only because I know for a fact what works most of the time. Will multi-dating work for others? Possibly. I suppose it all depends on the end goal. Some people are probably quite happy living in the ice cream shop. I wouldn't... but to each his/her own. I've mentioned many times on this thread and elsewhere that I have no problems with multi-dating if done honestly. The people I've personally witnessed who have a habit of multi-dating over long periods (ie more than a few dates) only manage to do so in one of two ways... by deception or by having an open relationship. I believe Pierre and I have said many times that, if done with openness, there are no objections. But we've both pointed out many times where it was not open or honest at all. Even worse, the attempt at direct questions by a non-multi-dater were met with vague (and arguably) illusive answers. Everyone is allowed to seek the kind of relationships they want. As long as they are open and honest about it. Edited July 21, 2012 by RedRobin
KungFuJoe Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 The most important thing is trust and honesty. I've multi dated before, but I've never lied about it if asked. And if not asked, I don't mention it. And the vice versa is the same. If I ask a girl if she's seeing someone else and she lies to me, then it doesn't matter if she's seeing someone else or not. It's the fact that she lied that matters. BUT, this generalization that people who date multiple people at the same time are more prone to dishonesty is ridiculous. No correlation whatsoever. 1
RedRobin Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Well, I have to disagree, KungFu.... I will say that those who multi-date after a handful of dates tend to be quite deceptive. That is the only way most of them could manage to keep multiple people strung along. But I'm not worried about those people... I have some very effective ways to fish them out. Anyway, my style is to be open and transparent from the get-go. My style doesn't mesh well to the don't ask, don't tell crowd.
kaylan Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 (edited) He said it would be rare to find the right woman. His words, not mine. Please point out where I was disrespectful. The term attention whore is an idiomatic expression. Furthermore, I used the term YOU in general terms. It is simply a writing style. Its rare for anyone to find the RIGHT person for them. Whether they multi date or not. Jesus christ dude.The most important thing is trust and honesty. I've multi dated before, but I've never lied about it if asked. And if not asked, I don't mention it. And the vice versa is the same. If I ask a girl if she's seeing someone else and she lies to me, then it doesn't matter if she's seeing someone else or not. It's the fact that she lied that matters. BUT, this generalization that people who date multiple people at the same time are more prone to dishonesty is ridiculous. No correlation whatsoever. This. Edited July 21, 2012 by kaylan
KungFuJoe Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Do you think there is a relationship between promiscuity and low self esteem? None at all. It IS possible to have sex because...umm...you like having sex? 2
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Your own words keep making my point about the gluttony of most multi daters. And lets not forget Jaclyn going to the Ice cream parlor and eating all the ice cream flavors, ha. ha. Who said eat all the flavors? I am talking about SAMPLES. Huge difference. Obviously my metaphor went way over you and redrobins heads...
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 None at all. It IS possible to have sex because...umm...you like having sex? If I am promiscuous, they are prudes. 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Well, I have to disagree, KungFu.... I will say that those who multi-date after a handful of dates tend to be quite deceptive. That is the only way most of them could manage to keep multiple people strung along. But I'm not worried about those people... I have some very effective ways to fish them out. Anyway, my style is to be open and transparent from the get-go. My style doesn't mesh well to the don't ask, don't tell crowd. There you go again throwing around big words that you obviously don't know how to use. I have an inkling that you got your heart broken by a man that multidated and now you are all gung-ho against us all because of one guy. The biggest thing I bet is that you probably just assumed he was one to monodate and when you found out he was seeing other people you were crushed. Sad, but that is what DATING is. Mono dating isn't dating. It is a relationship, which is fine, but you shouldn't participate in a debate about dating when it isn't something you are even remotely familiar with. 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Don't backpedal! Your analogy shows the mindset of a multi dater. We give you the rope and you showed your colors. Do you even know what backpedaling means? Want me to quote myself? I said try as many flavors as possible, not guzzle them all down.
KungFuJoe Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 I guess my wife and I are anomalies. A once in a lifetime occurance of two former multidaters who defied all odds and laws of life and somehow found a way to form a trusting, faithful, monogamous relationship. BTW, an ex gf of mine, who would NEVER have considered the idea of multidating (she ONLY had boyfriends) before she met me, ended up sleeping with both me and her new guy after we broke up. AND SHE LOVED IT. She was trying out new stuff with me and I thought she was coming up with it on her own. I should have known better than to think she'd be coming up with new stuff months after breaking up from a 4 year relationship in which the sex was boring for the last two. Turns out she was taking stuff her new guy was telling her to do and trying it on me. With a smile on her face the whole time...until we both found out...then that smile turned upside down. I guess based on that experience I should have learned to stay away from girls who DON'T multidate. ...kidding of course Basically...you have no idea what kind of moral fiber someone has based on their sexual history or tendencies. 1
KungFuJoe Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Another one that makes my point. Multi dating = promiscuity = low self esteem I'm starting to think you are a troll. No one can possible be this misguided. Good luck in all your searches to find that wholesome non multidater to make your wife.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Another one that makes my point. Multi dating = promiscuity = low self esteem See, now THAT is funny. Weren't you saying earlier that we are vain? A little contradictory dont you think? 1
RedRobin Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 There you go again throwing around big words that you obviously don't know how to use. I have an inkling that you got your heart broken by a man that multidated and now you are all gung-ho against us all because of one guy. The biggest thing I bet is that you probably just assumed he was one to monodate and when you found out he was seeing other people you were crushed. Sad, but that is what DATING is. Mono dating isn't dating. It is a relationship, which is fine, but you shouldn't participate in a debate about dating when it isn't something you are even remotely familiar with. Ah... I see. So all those people I know who tell me they dated before they got married. We should change the definition for THEM because you want to 'date' multiple people simultaneously? Without telling the other person (most likely). How about this? Just be honest with people. It's a whole lot easier. oh and... no, my heart was not broken by any multi-daters. Breaking my heart would require real intimacy from the multi-dater... which multi-daters don't offer. If anything, I've broken the heart of multi-daters who ASSUMED I was dating other people, and were upset when I dumped THEM when I found out they were multi-dating. Of course, I did so politely and gently. They always tried to come back months later to see if I'd changed my mind. Nope. Now that I know that 'style' exists, I flush them out early. For both of our benefits.
RedRobin Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 I guess my wife and I are anomalies. A once in a lifetime occurance of two former multidaters who defied all odds and laws of life and somehow found a way to form a trusting, faithful, monogamous relationship. Well, when someone offers the results of a study of people who multi-dated extensively before marriage... and backs it up with histories of those who have remained married as long as my friends and family who did NOT multidate (minimum 10 years. A few over 50 years married) then I'll buy your argument. All of the people I've observed who have cheated or are currently cheating on their spouses are the monkey-branchers and multi-daters. Without exception. Basically...you have no idea what kind of moral fiber someone has based on their sexual history or tendencies. The ability to make tough decisions and show some discipline and discretion when the outcome affects ANOTHER PERSON says everything about their morals. Casual sex/relationships between two consenting adults where all parties they may be seeing are aware? No moral ambuiguity there. I agree.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Well, when someone offers the results of a study of people who multi-dated extensively before marriage... and backs it up with histories of those who have remained married as long as my friends and family who did NOT multidate (minimum 10 years. A few over 50 years married) then I'll buy your argument. Interesting, because everyone in my family who is married DID multi-date, as a matter of fact, my father encouraged my mother to go on more dates just so she was sure. The best part? No one in my family has ever been divorced except me, and I am the one that DID monodate... My father and mother just celebrated 20 years of marriage and dated for 8 before that.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 OK, you are a good multi dater. The issue is not the multi dating. The issue is the hiding of multi dating to get additional dates. There are many men and women that do not want to engage multi daters. As long as you are honest you are OK in my book. There you go bringing in the dishonesty. Just because I multi-date you assume I lie about it? No. I just don't feel the need to tell everyone I meet everything such as who I went on a date with last week, mostly because in most circumstances, not many people I go on a date with end up making set plans for a second, so for all I KNOW I may not be dating anyone else.
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