RedRobin Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Don't you agree that if she REALLY was testing the waters that it is a deceitful and misleading thing to say she DOESN'T want one and that she wants to date casually? I don't think she said any of those things. She said she wants to take things slow... and her pattern is to wait to have sex for 2-3 months. There is a difference. A HUGE difference, in fact. But I'll grant you that what she said and what the OP heard may be two different things. I think he is reading other things into her desire to wait that justify him sleeping with others. No big deal really. That's why I invited him to jump off the 'chair'. If that behavior is consistent with his core values, then by all means, go ahead. That's where values testing comes in... One could argue it isn't even a 'test'. It is simply observing someone. And allowing enough time to let that bubble up to the top. It actually does work in both people's favors if they both have the cahones to be transparent about it.
RedRobin Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 OP stated that he would rather go to a movie with this new girl than to bang his ex GF. I think the idea to have sex with ex GF comes from the multi dating philosophy of having sex with no romantic or emotional attachment. OP also stated he would not feel good about banging the ex GF while courting the new girl. I give him credit for that. Well, that is a start. Hopefully he doesn't freak out and blow it. I witness way too many people out 'exercising their options' instead of just pushing past their fear early on and talking about things. It's a shame, really.
pineapples Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I would freak out if I went on a date, ONE date, and the guy already had plans to be exclusive with me. Don't you understand the point of dating? It is to get to know the other person to see if they ARE the right person. The fact that you also think that we sleep with many different people is wrong. Sure, sometimes I have been sleeping wit multiple people... but you make it sound like we just go around sleeping with whoever. I would freak out if I went on a date, and realized the guy planned to go on another date with someone else the next day, and another date the next, and another, etc. Why would someone, instead of focusing on one special person and getting to know that person better, waste that time, energy and money, going out with a bunch of others? If I do not like someone enough not to date others, there is no point in seeing that person at all.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 OP stated that he would rather go to a movie with this new girl than to bang his ex GF. I think the idea to have sex with ex GF comes from the multi dating philosophy of having sex with no romantic or emotional attachment. OP also stated he would not feel good about banging the ex GF while courting the new girl. I give him credit for that. How is that a multi-dating philosophy?
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I would freak out if I went on a date, and realized the guy planned to go on another date with someone else the next day, and another date the next, and another, etc. Why would someone, instead of focusing on one special person and getting to know that person better, waste that time, energy and money, going out with a bunch of others? If I do not like someone enough not to date others, there is no point in seeing that person at all. As redrobin stated previously, when dating the way I date [strangers for the most part, men I had not known very well previously] you keep your options open because the chances of that man being what you are looking for are actually quite slim. Besides, it isn't a waste of time, it is FUN. I love meeting new people, and because I do know what I am looking for, I find it worth it completely. 2
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 That is the problem miss_jaclynrae! You said: Which one is it? I think your method is flawed. It is the typical multi dater cluster of f****. (no pun intended) Really, you need to slow down a bit. Sleeping with other multi daters will get you nowhere. LOL you say that as if you know how many people I sleep with. I also find it funny that you say it will get me nowhere, when I can tell you I am definitely getting SOMEWHERE.
Drseussgrrl Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Pierre how do you know it won't get her anywhere? I'll tell you I'm now exclusively dating a really terrific person who gets my engines revving on all fronts - and we were dating others when we met. We just knew we had come across something special when we met, and after a few months have agreed to only date each other. It works. And I'm happy. Why can't this be ok to you? What is your hangup about sex?
RedRobin Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 (edited) I'll tell you I'm now exclusively dating a really terrific person who gets my engines revving on all fronts - and we were dating others when we met. ...and it is a pretty good bet one or both of you will be 'dating' others before you split... because that is the pattern you've established. *shrug* To each his/her own. Almost noone breaks up over sex. It always about lack of communication, honesty, and a mismatch in shared values and goals. So, while your method may be 'fun' in the short-term... I've never personally witnessed it panning out in the long-term. However, since many people don't really much care about the long-term anymore (which is fine for them), I really can't tell you what does or does not constitute 'success' for you. All I know is that I prefer not to date people who share your philosophy. Nothing personal. Just a difference in goals and types of relationship. The only reason I feel the urge to post on LS about it is to point out flaws in assumptions by multi-daters that may hurt others and encourage people to be honest and transparent... Edited July 20, 2012 by RedRobin
Drseussgrrl Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 "...and it is a pretty good bet one or both of you will be 'dating' others before you split... because that is the pattern you've established. *shrug*" Please explain this. Neither one of us were exclusive with anyone else when we met. Now we are. I don't understand why you can't grasp that. I'll say it again. You sound so bitter and angry. It's almost as if you WANT people around you to fail and/or disappoint you in some way. What a way to live.
Drseussgrrl Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Oh and as far as breaking up over sex not being a reality: These stats prove you WAY wrong. Some Common Causes and Reasons for Divorce
RedRobin Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 If I wanted you to fail, I wouldn't waste my time talking to you. If monkey-branching your way through life and relationships is satisfactory to you, then fine. Lots of people do it. If you are satisfied with the extent of communication and trust you have with your current BF... and believe he would seek to work things out with you first and really seek closure in your relationship first before jumping on the next 'branch' that is available (unlike how you two started)... then wonderful. .
RedRobin Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Oh and as far as breaking up over sex not being a reality: These stats prove you WAY wrong. Some Common Causes and Reasons for Divorce Nope. stats don't prove me way wrong. Nearly everyone (except those who wait for marriage to have sex)... are having great and fun sex when they marry. It is the other 9 things on the list (out of 10)... that are bigger contributors. When one or more of those other problems are present... the sex suffers. Bad sex is the symptom. Not the cause of divorce. 1
Drseussgrrl Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 (edited) LOL. You only respond because you enjoy getting up on your high horse with your superior "values" and criticizing those of us who think differently. I think you even went as far as calling us cheaters and liars. I wasn't in an exclusive relationship with anyone else when I met my dude. Neither of us were fresh out of committed relationships. WE WERE DATING JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. Hey I have an idea. Pierre why don't you take out Red Robin? I think you two would be very well-matched, Edited July 20, 2012 by Drseussgrrl
RedRobin Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Hey I have an idea. Pierre why don't you take out Red Robin? I think you two would be very well-matched, I just started seeing someone I really like... but thanks for the suggestion. One can only hope he shares Pierre's values. Time will tell...
RedRobin Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Yep, that about sums it up... (I meant the baggage reclaim!!) Congrats on the upcoming marriage... glad to hear the pregnancy is going well too!
RedRobin Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I wanted the baby!!!!! Thanks I know you did... You've been talking about kids for a long time. You'll make a great dad!
kaylan Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Here you go: Understanding Why Dating Several People at a Time is Messy & a Sign of Your Emotional Unavailability & Commitment Resistance | Baggage Reclaim Yeah, linking to an opinion piece totally makes your viewpoint more valid /sarcasm
kaylan Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 (edited) Did she? Yes, I know the OP said that, but I wonder... given how eager he seems to be to get back in bed with the ex. Seems a little too convenient. I'm wondering how much she actually said.. and how much of it is him filling in the blanks in the way he would prefer. He could always check in and ask... "hey, does this mean we are allowed to have sex with other people?" Couldn't hurt, right? On the other hand, she could just be handing him the rope to see what he does with it. People who are naturally monogamous and are serious about finding a relationship aren't looking for reasons to sleep with exes... or reasons to sleep with anyone outside of a relationship. Just sayin'. By giving him the open door and lots of rope, she might just be testing his character and relationship style. Sounds pretty smart to me. Way to call the OP a liar to suit your viewpoint. Of course the girl didnt say she wanted to casual date....it was just a lie he told us as an excuse to bang his ex. I mean he is a man who wants sex And actually, what one does single, doesnt have the greatest bearing on their character when in a relationship. Ive hooked up with one of my exes after our breakup, and then kissed another girl at a party and was talking to other chicks too. However when I find the right girl, Im super loyal and shes the only chick I want. You realize some folks arent constantly looking for relationships. Just because Im enjoying single life now, doesnt mean I dont make a great boyfriend and cant be monogamous. I dont get why people like you keep trying to shame multi daters as if were all from the same cloth and mono-daters from a different one. People are variable. It is all about opinions. Multi dating is acceptable as long as there is no deceit. If i have a first date and she tells me she is seeing a few other guys i am grateful for the info. I immediately know she is not a keeper because we have a different point of view. Otherwise, I treat her as best as I can. If she is deceitful and does not come out clean then we have a problem. IN any event I will ask if she is seeing other men before I even ask her out. Thats the problem. People like you and RR automatically bash multidaters and brand them as liars and cheaters when you have no idea about the persons character. You both act as if lying and cheating doesnt occur with mono-daters when it does ALL the time. Its about the person, not their dating style. If me and a chick arent exclusive, she will know upfront if Ill be talking to other girls or not. If I get to the point where Ive fallen for her hard, Ill let her know shes only got my eye...and if she feels the same, we will continue things rather exclusively before finally sealing the deal on a relationship. If either one of us isnt ready for that, then we can both be honest and free to see other people. I never lie, and if a girl asks what Im up to, Ill tell her. And I dont sleep with more than one chick at a given time period because of the health risks...and cus I dont like sharing and dipping my stick where some other dudes been recently. So If I happen to have a FWB or sleep with a chick Im dating, then Ill hold off the sex with other girls I may be seeing. Kissing though, Ill do a lot of that =P Edited July 20, 2012 by kaylan
Drseussgrrl Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 What's wrong with having options if you're single? You miss the whole point of dating. It's not to keep "trading up". 1
kaylan Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 (edited) Options, options, options. That is what is all about. Options!!! Will someone better come along? Options!! Too many fish in the sea. Options!! I get it. Yeah whats wrong with options? Whats wrong with enjoying myself and seeing if Ill happen upon a really fun girl? Multidating doesnt mean Ill just throw someone I like back into the water if someone better comes along. If I decided I really like them, then no one will be better in my mind. Its rare I fall hard for a girl and want her to be my girlfriend (its happened twice or thrice in ten years of dating), so I take relationships seriously. And I only become exclusive with girls I see super potential with. I think thats a great way to do things. It means I know the exact kind of woman I want and I dont waste anyones time. Once I know how I feel about them, I wont act like a relationship is possible. The girl will know upfront. On the other hand, if I actually really fell for them, then Id become exclusive, but if I dont fall for them, theres no reason for me to not see anyone else....and it is a pretty good bet one or both of you will be 'dating' others before you split... because that is the pattern you've established. *shrug* To each his/her own. Almost noone breaks up over sex. It always about lack of communication, honesty, and a mismatch in shared values and goals. Thats called cheating. Why do you keep ignorantly assuming that multi-daters must cheat? Ive never cheated and never will. But I have friends who went from one LTR to the next, and never multi dated, yet have cheated before. Its about a persons character, not whether they mono or multi date. Drsuessgurl and her bf are now exclusive, and they werent exclusive when they first starting dating. Why does that mean someone will cheat now that they are exclusive? And people do break up over sex all the time. Its called physical incompatibility. Just like people can break up over emotional or mental incompatibilities. You need to have all three of those in good working order to have a truly fulfilling relationship. And contrary to what you think, Ive seen different dating styles pan out over the long term as long as honesty and compatibility exist. And honest people do mono date and multi date. I think you just suffer from confirmation bias. You surround yourself with like-minded people, so of course you dont get to experience examples of successful relationships that spawned from multi-dating....that and you probably gloss over them when they are presented to you as examples.If I wanted you to fail, I wouldn't waste my time talking to you. If monkey-branching your way through life and relationships is satisfactory to you, then fine. Lots of people do it. If you are satisfied with the extent of communication and trust you have with your current BF... and believe he would seek to work things out with you first and really seek closure in your relationship first before jumping on the next 'branch' that is available (unlike how you two started)... then wonderful. . Oh please....monkey branching can be found in many different kinds of people. Tbh, in my experience Ive seen it more in mono daters who are used to relationships because they cant handle being single and along. Either way, anyone can monkey branch. Ive seen mono daters and multi daters do it.Nope. stats don't prove me way wrong. Nearly everyone (except those who wait for marriage to have sex)... are having great and fun sex when they marry. It is the other 9 things on the list (out of 10)... that are bigger contributors. When one or more of those other problems are present... the sex suffers. Bad sex is the symptom. Not the cause of divorce. Not necessarily. You act as if threads dont exist on this site where people got married despite bad sex, and that it ruined their marriage because they settled instead of finding true sexual chemistry with someone. So bad sex is not always a symptom. Sometimes everything else works well, but the sex is dull...and sex is pretty important. Edited July 20, 2012 by kaylan 1
ThaWholigan Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 The excessive number of options is a nice mechanism to avoid an intimate connection. You and Jaclin are living proof! Intimate connection with the wrong person, possibly?? 1
kaylan Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 The excessive number of options is a nice mechanism to avoid an intimate connection. You and Jaclin are living proof! Actually we arent avoiding intimate connection. We are trying to find it...and how can you find it without looking through the people who are out there. The thing about mono dating is that while it may take you a year to find the right girl for you, it may take me only a month. Multi dating makes things more fun and variable in my book. Instead of dating one girl a month, month after month, and seeing Im not finding the right girl...I can at least date a couple or a few girls in a month and have more fun and social interaction. In my eyes, doing this increases the probability that Ill find someone suited for me. Doesnt mean I automatically will, but it increases my chances. Just because a person dates more than another person does not mean they arent seeking an intimate connection. Its all about each individuals goals. Plenty of people serial mono-date and arent trying to get into a relationship. Why assume any characteristic regarding loyalty and intimate connections, is only possible for a particular dating style. As I said, its all individual.
Drseussgrrl Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Haha oh I'm living proof? How is that so? I found someone I truly dig and now we're exclusive. Worked for me. *shrugs*
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 ...and it is a pretty good bet one or both of you will be 'dating' others before you split... because that is the pattern you've established. *shrug* To each his/her own. Almost noone breaks up over sex. It always about lack of communication, honesty, and a mismatch in shared values and goals. So, while your method may be 'fun' in the short-term... I've never personally witnessed it panning out in the long-term. However, since many people don't really much care about the long-term anymore (which is fine for them), I really can't tell you what does or does not constitute 'success' for you. All I know is that I prefer not to date people who share your philosophy. Nothing personal. Just a difference in goals and types of relationship. The only reason I feel the urge to post on LS about it is to point out flaws in assumptions by multi-daters that may hurt others and encourage people to be honest and transparent... You are delirious if you think you have less of a chance finding a man that will cheat because you are a non multi-dater. I actually think yours will be more than likely, because if the guy I end up with is a multi-dater, I will know that out of all the women he was with and dated... it was ME who he found to be the most perfect match. I hate to say it, but I also believe that the chances of any relationship I get into has far less a chance of going wrong. As I said, multi-daters are more open as to the fact if we REALLY do see something long term you will know that it is a very educated and well thought out choice and it is one we don't take likely.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 The excessive number of options is a nice mechanism to avoid an intimate connection. You and Jaclin are living proof! :lmao::lmao::lmao: Lets say you go to get ice cream. You walk in and pick one you think you will like and that is it. Question: what are the chances you wont like it? I would say pretty high don't you think? Unless you get lucky. I walk in to get ice cream. I walk in and ask for a taste of as many as possible. After trying SO many, I find one that I just LOVE. The chances of me not liking it are obsolete. Which one makes more sense to do?
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