oaks Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I have nothing against those who want to sleep with multiple people. It's called polamory or an open relationship. Really? I think in this context it's just called casual sex.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Really? I think in this context it's just called casual sex. No. It is called sex, good ol' interested in someone sex. Unless you count sex outside a relationship ALWAYS as casual.
oaks Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 No. It is called sex, good ol' interested in someone sex. Unless you count sex outside a relationship ALWAYS as casual. Good point. I think I probably do (which is a reflection on me, not anyone else), but I see where you're coming from.
lamaman3 Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 What those urging the OP to focus on romancing the new girl forget, it's that she specifically said that she has no interest in an LTR with the OP. So lets recap: 1) Does not want to sleep with OP 2) Does not want LTR with OP Sounds more like a flirty friend than anything. OP. Life is short. You dont need to hold yourself back for someone that doesn't want to commit to you.
RedRobin Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 (edited) Really? I think in this context it's just called casual sex. No. In the context I put it in (if you'd posted the whole thing)... I'm referring to 'multi-daters' who are honest and open about the fact that they are dating/sleeping with others while actively pursuing other potentials. I realize that they don't want to be put into the polyamory or open relationship 'box'... because multi-dating just seems so much more 'tame' and 'normal' to people who do it. But in the context of those who are seeking an intimate, trusting relationship with ONE person... and not multiple possible people simultaneously... yes... multi-dating (when done openly) has MANY more aspects of polyamory and open relationships than it does the pursuit of a truly monogamous relationship... especially when it extends past the first few dates and there is some emotional investment. Edited July 20, 2012 by RedRobin
RedRobin Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 What those urging the OP to focus on romancing the new girl forget, it's that she specifically said that she has no interest in an LTR with the OP. So lets recap: 1) Does not want to sleep with OP 2) Does not want LTR with OP Sounds more like a flirty friend than anything. OP. Life is short. You dont need to hold yourself back for someone that doesn't want to commit to you. No, she didn't say that. She said she needed to take things slow (2-3 months). I don't see anywhere in the OP's original post that says she doesn't want a LTR with the OP. She's just not going to do the 3 date rule dance with the guy. His 'need' to sleep with an ex is as good a reason as any for her to take things slow. I don't doubt she's come across plenty of men like him before.
RedRobin Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 (edited) Back to the OP... The reason why some people take things slow is so that people with your tendencies can be sussed out before any substantial emotional investment... and certainly before any physical intimacy. Smart move on her part. She's giving you lots of rope to hang yourself. Sure, noone is telling you what to do with your body. You can stick your d*ck wherever you like. She's wise to observe what you do with it when you have all the freedom in the world. That's exactly what I do. I give men all the rope they need to hang themselves. I ask questions. I observe. Go ahead and have sex with the ex. Step right up on that 'chair' and jump off. I'm sure the lady you are dating (if she is anything like me) will happily move on from you... Edited July 20, 2012 by RedRobin 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 No, she didn't say that. She said she needed to take things slow (2-3 months). I don't see anywhere in the OP's original post that says she doesn't want a LTR with the OP. She's just not going to do the 3 date rule dance with the guy. She also expressed that she did not want to get into a LTR anytime soon and she wouldn't mind taking it slow and casually date until she was ready. I'm also fine with this and said I wanted the same. ... Re-read the OP then. 1
morichu Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 It's really up to you, OP. If you really like this girl and think there's a good chance you two will get in a relationship eventually, then I wouldn't do it. Because if she finds out, I doubt she's going to want to hold on to you However, if you're just kind of playing the field and don't really care too much about her then yeah why not?
RedRobin Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 ... Re-read the OP then. Yes, I read that. If her pattern is to wait 2-3 months before sex, then that is completely consistent with not being in a LTR 'anytime soon'... at least by the OP's standards perhaps. I suppose he could try to clarify what 'soon' means to her rather than just letting his itchy fingers surf his little black book. But this is part of the test, isn't it? That's why smart people wait. To me, it still sounds like she wants to get to know the guy before jumping into bed with him. Sure, the OP can do whatever he wants. If I were the woman though, I'd be dumping a guy who was sleeping with someone else while courting me. He's free to make his choices. I'm free to dump men who don't share my values too. That's how it goes.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Yes, I read that. If her pattern is to wait 2-3 months before sex, then that is completely consistent with not being in a LTR 'anytime soon'... at least by the OP's standards perhaps. I suppose he could try to clarify what 'soon' means to her rather than just letting his itchy fingers surf his little black book. But this is part of the test, isn't it? That's why smart people wait. To me, it still sounds like she wants to get to know the guy before jumping into bed with him. Sure, the OP can do whatever he wants. If I were the woman though, I'd be dumping a guy who was sleeping with someone else while courting me. He's free to make his choices. I'm free to dump men who don't share my values too. That's how it goes. She specifically said casual dating though. 1
RedRobin Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 She specifically said casual dating though. Did she? Yes, I know the OP said that, but I wonder... given how eager he seems to be to get back in bed with the ex. Seems a little too convenient. I'm wondering how much she actually said.. and how much of it is him filling in the blanks in the way he would prefer. He could always check in and ask... "hey, does this mean we are allowed to have sex with other people?" Couldn't hurt, right? On the other hand, she could just be handing him the rope to see what he does with it. People who are naturally monogamous and are serious about finding a relationship aren't looking for reasons to sleep with exes... or reasons to sleep with anyone outside of a relationship. Just sayin'. By giving him the open door and lots of rope, she might just be testing his character and relationship style. Sounds pretty smart to me.
Drseussgrrl Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Meh. Sex is fun. I am not going to feel guilty for enjoying it. Neither should the OP. I don't equate LTR's with sex though. I see nothing wrong with enjoying sex for what it is, without deluding myself into thinking that it will evolve into something more down the road. Casually dating someone means that both parties are free to keep their options open. That's why it's casual - no commitment. 2
Drseussgrrl Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Actually that sounds more like playing games and manipulation to me. If she can't be honest about what she wants because she's "testing" him to see if he f*cks up, then he should move on anyway. But - sounds like that's what you do with all the men you date. How fun. 2
morichu Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I think there's nothing wrong with dating more than one person in the initial stages. Everyone needs to keep their options open. I think sleeping with an ex is stupid though especially when it's clear that you two won't workout. It just shows someone who's insecure and needs sex just to feel better about him/herself. Like I said, nothing wrong with dating multiple people, but running back to an ex is pointless. If I was initially dating a girl and I found out she's still buddy-buddy with the ex, it's automatically over and on to the next one.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Did she? Yes, I know the OP said that, but I wonder... given how eager he seems to be to get back in bed with the ex. Seems a little too convenient. I'm wondering how much she actually said.. and how much of it is him filling in the blanks in the way he would prefer. He could always check in and ask... "hey, does this mean we are allowed to have sex with other people?" Couldn't hurt, right? On the other hand, she could just be handing him the rope to see what he does with it. People who are naturally monogamous and are serious about finding a relationship aren't looking for reasons to sleep with exes... or reasons to sleep with anyone outside of a relationship. Just sayin'. By giving him the open door and lots of rope, she might just be testing his character and relationship style. Sounds pretty smart to me. And yet multi daters are considered deceitful? THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP. The fact that you think he should ask if he is "allowed" to see other people is ridiculous. If she REALLY wanted to be with him she wouldn't have touched on dating casually or say she isn't looking for a LTR... She would have just kept dating him. 2
RedRobin Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Meh. Sex is fun. I am not going to feel guilty for enjoying it. Neither should the OP. I don't equate LTR's with sex though. I see nothing wrong with enjoying sex for what it is, without deluding myself into thinking that it will evolve into something more down the road. Casually dating someone means that both parties are free to keep their options open. That's why it's casual - no commitment. Cool. and if I met a guy with your viewpoint, I'd simply conclude we weren't compatible. I'd like to think he'd be honest with me about his goings on... but even if he weren't, I'd figure it out. Pretty quick too. I've dumped more than one guy that shared your viewpoint. I just tell them that our goals and values don't match up. I've had a couple of them get really pissed... that somehow they are entitled to screw other women while getting to know me. I just shrug and say with a smile "sorry, not what I'm looking for... Have fun!!" It is my ability to sort this out that my male friends commend me on... and why I've rather lost my anger (IRL) about men who multi-date. I don't have to worry about them pulling the wool over my eyes, because I've (so far) always been able to sift them out successfully.
RedRobin Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 And yet multi daters are considered deceitful? THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP. The fact that you think he should ask if he is "allowed" to see other people is ridiculous. If she REALLY wanted to be with him she wouldn't have touched on dating casually or say she isn't looking for a LTR... She would have just kept dating him. I can see you don't really screen too carefully before sleeping with someone. I don't sleep with men to secure a relationship. I secure a relationship, and THEN sleep with someone. That requires getting to know someone and assessing each other's values. I don't keep my goals and values a secret. I'm not going to tell someone else what to do. I AM going to observe what he volunteers and doesn't volunteer... yep.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I can see you don't really screen too carefully before sleeping with someone. I don't sleep with men to secure a relationship. I secure a relationship, and THEN sleep with someone. That requires getting to know someone and assessing each other's values. I don't keep my goals and values a secret. I'm not going to tell someone else what to do. I AM going to observe what he volunteers and doesn't volunteer... yep. ROFL. I sleep with men who I usually see NO relationship with. The fact that you assume I sleep with them to secure one is funny.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I can see you don't really screen too carefully before sleeping with someone. I don't sleep with men to secure a relationship. I secure a relationship, and THEN sleep with someone. That requires getting to know someone and assessing each other's values. I don't keep my goals and values a secret. I'm not going to tell someone else what to do. I AM going to observe what he volunteers and doesn't volunteer... yep. I am trying to figure out how this is a response to my post...
RedRobin Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 ROFL. I sleep with men who I usually see NO relationship with. The fact that you assume I sleep with them to secure one is funny. No, I'm not making any assumptions on why you sleep with men. I'm only talking in the context of the OP... and the context of the possibility of a future LTR.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 No, I'm not making any assumptions on why you sleep with men. I'm only talking in the context of the OP... and the context of the possibility of a future LTR. Don't you agree that if she REALLY was testing the waters that it is a deceitful and misleading thing to say she DOESN'T want one and that she wants to date casually? That makes no sense. That isn't a woman testing the waters, that is a woman telling the guy that things probably wont work out and she wants to keep her options open. 1
Drseussgrrl Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Some people still have a very puritanical attitude when it comes to relationships. I personally couldn't agree to commit to someone without knowing if the sex is good first. But, I'm a very sexual person and it's one of the things I know without a doubt I need to be happy. I'm not really sure why you assume every man out there is out to get you, deceive you, or hurt you in some way. Maybe they are looking to HAVE FUN with you, enjoy your company, and get to know you, without feeling like they're put under a microscope or that you're waiting for them to just confirm what you are already assuming anyway, which is that they can't be trusted. You sound like a very angry person, hence why you feel the need to criticize and put people down who have different values than your own.
RedRobin Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I am trying to figure out how this is a response to my post... How is it a response? Merely that the woman the OP is seeing may be using a different process than the OP. You say that since there is no relationship, he can sleep with whomever he likes. And I agree. I'd also caution (as others have) that his behavior is being observed... That's all. And the outcome may not be as he prefers, depending on his choices. Choices he is, no doubt, free to make. The reason why *I* wait is to see what their values are BEFORE I sleep with them. That's the whole point. There is no deception involved. I share my goals and values straightforwardly. The other person is invited to be their 'authentic self' as well. I'm invited to make the best choice for me based on that 'self' they present. So are they.
RedRobin Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Some people still have a very puritanical attitude when it comes to relationships. I personally couldn't agree to commit to someone without knowing if the sex is good first. But, I'm a very sexual person and it's one of the things I know without a doubt I need to be happy. I'm not really sure why you assume every man out there is out to get you, deceive you, or hurt you in some way. Maybe they are looking to HAVE FUN with you, enjoy your company, and get to know you, without feeling like they're put under a microscope or that you're waiting for them to just confirm what you are already assuming anyway, which is that they can't be trusted. You sound like a very angry person, hence why you feel the need to criticize and put people down who have different values than your own. Meh. I have lots of male friends and mentors I trust. It isn't an issue with men. It's an issue with different dating 'styles' these days... styles that we'll just have to agree to disagree on that involve some level of deception. I know from witnessing the relationships of people I value and admire. None of them multidate or multi-dated before finding the person they are with. If you have different role models, that's fine. I know the kind of relationship I want... and I'm patterning those whom I've witnessed IRL who have done it successfully.
Recommended Posts