Drseussgrrl Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 No jaclynrae they don't. They assume that if you go out with someone a few times you have to disclose every personal detail of your life, your time, and who you're spending it with. Otherwise you're a liar.
RedRobin Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I'll repeat myself AGAIN. Yes I'm open about the fact that I date other people UNTIL I am in a committed relationship, which again, is pretty simple. You have the talk. I don't see any reason to be committed or exclusive with someone who has to hide details of their life. There would never be any 'talk' with me... because there would never be enough intimacy to justify it. I'd likely see them for a few dates, then stop seeing them because it would be obvious that there was no progression of openness, caring, and intimacy. Whether or not they lied about seeing others. It would be totally obvious to me. This is the biggest reason I dump men, TBH. I'm not having any 'talk'. If they feel the need to date others or have a habit of multi-dating, then our values aren't the same. We aren't compatible.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I guess I am in the minority here... Relationships have stages in my eyes. we start out dating, then exclusively dating, then they become my boyfriend, so on and so forth. During the just dating stage is when I fully agree it is not his business what I do in my own time. I see my own dating rules and choice of progress to be more adult like. None of this childish "Oh we went to dinner and now he is my boyfriend." bull. I take my time to make a very thought out and SURE commitment to someone. I know what I want, but I can't see if a man IS what I want until we get to know each other. I dont understand how it is considered taboo, or lowers my chances of finding someone. Finding someone is easy, I am trying to find the RIGHT someone. And I also am making it so when I do commit, he will see that it wasn't just a blind decision, but one where out of every guy out there who I could have, HE is the one I want.
InJest Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 RedRobin, in most threads you seem very reasonable, but why is it that all multidating threads get you so riled up? To answer your question, I don't simply divulge any personal details about myself unless it comes up in conversation or unless someone asks.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 You are right. People who date for sport aren't looking for intimacy. So don't bother being open about your life. Most people who don't multi-date can figure this out in a couple of weeks because there is always some BS story that doesn't line up regarding your time. *shrug* The tough part comes when multi-daters lie and use their work, kids, or other hobbies as a foil for their dating. That takes a bit more time... perhaps a month or two. But I've never failed to sus a lying multi-dater out. They can't keep their stories straight. WTF? That doesn't make any sense. Who said anything about liars? I am baffled right now.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Maybe he had a low testosterone level. Or maybe you did not make him horny. It takes two to have a boring sex life. However, most studies say those in relationships get it more often. I am seriously curious about your relationship history.
InJest Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 As far as having a talk goes, I'd do that whether I was multidating or not just to make sure we're on the same page. 1
Drseussgrrl Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 "I don't see any reason to be committed or exclusive with someone who has to hide details of their life." Who's hiding? Why am I obligated to share everything and lay my cards on the table after a few dates? If things are progressing nicely then it's natural that I just stop talking to other men to see what it amounts to. Do you go snooping through his phone? Demand where he is when he doesn't pick up? Ask why you saw his car outside a particular restaurant? This dude better have an answer or he's HIDING and a LIAR. LOL.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Do all of you non multi daters when you go on a date with someone... the FIRST date... really think you are the ONLY person they ever want to be with? They don't KNOW you yet! That is why you are on a date to begin with. 2
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 "I don't see any reason to be committed or exclusive with someone who has to hide details of their life." Who's hiding? Why am I obligated to share everything and lay my cards on the table after a few dates? If things are progressing nicely then it's natural that I just stop talking to other men to see what it amounts to. Do you go snooping through his phone? Demand where he is when he doesn't pick up? Ask why you saw his car outside a particular restaurant? This dude better have an answer or he's HIDING and a LIAR. LOL. THANK you. I see such a view as extremely immature. I am my own person, I go on normal dates, sometimes I am NOT muti dating, but it happens. If I meet a guy somewhere and he asks me out, it would be ridiculous of me to say "well, I went on two dates with this one guy and we are just getting to know each other, but he asked first so I won't go on ONE date with you." Helllll no. What if things fall off after a few dates with the first guy? Then I could have missed out on someone awesome. 1
RedRobin Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 RedRobin, in most threads you seem very reasonable, but why is it that all multidating threads get you so riled up? To answer your question, I don't simply divulge any personal details about myself unless it comes up in conversation or unless someone asks. Look, I get it that communication is a two way street. Both parties are obliged to ask questions about things they feel are important, or keep things private they feel are private until they get to know someone well enough to feel comfortable sharing things. I get that. My problem is the pattern I observe among alot of multi-daters... or at least ones who multi-date for a considerable period of time past the first few dates. Almost always, there seems to be a reluctance to share information that could benefit the other party. A withholding of information in order to eat cake (as it were) and keep the other person from being able to make a decision with as much information as possible. I used my case as an example... I don't tend to date strangers and I don't date online. TBH, I don't even agree to go on 'dates' very often. I really have to find something compelling about the person to go on one. So it bugs me when I say I want to go slow... and the current dating culture naturally assumes I'm banging other guys or seeing other guys. I"m not bragging, but I get lots of offers, and so yea, I can see why a guy might assume I"m doing those things... but I"m not. I've had to, unfortunately, dump more than a few guys who (out of fear or so-so interest) chose to multi-date while seeing me because he drew the wrong assumptions. Or just because they are lazy, or whatever. It is always sad... Sad that they didn't have enough cahones... weren't brave enough to just stick it out and trust me. They always are hurt when I dump them. Really hurt... or really mad. But I can't help that. They are the ones who were chicken-sh*t. Not me.
oaks Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 So I guess by Pierres statements... I am a cheater with no moral compass? Ok. There is some serious misconceptions about multi daters. Yes, we have these polarised debates about multi-dating about once a fortnight.
RedRobin Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 "I don't see any reason to be committed or exclusive with someone who has to hide details of their life." Who's hiding? Why am I obligated to share everything and lay my cards on the table after a few dates? If things are progressing nicely then it's natural that I just stop talking to other men to see what it amounts to. Do you go snooping through his phone? Demand where he is when he doesn't pick up? Ask why you saw his car outside a particular restaurant? This dude better have an answer or he's HIDING and a LIAR. LOL. Nope. I've never snooped. Never done any of those things. People who multi-date are alot more transparent than that. To me at least.
RedRobin Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Yes, we have these polarised debates about multi-dating about once a fortnight. Don't even start, Oaks. You've said before that you don't multi-date past a handful of dates. I was even going out on a limb once to not call you a classic 'multi-dater'... because what I'm talking about is something else entirely. You want to keep that 'label' and join the party of people who string multiple people on indefinately (that is how I view them) and use selective honesty... that's your choice.
Janesays Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 What, exactly, is considered 'multi-dating?' I assumed I was a multi-dater because, before I got together with my current boyfriend, I went on about a gazillion first dates. Literally, quite a few a week. But generally, I can tell whether or not I like someone after the first date, so there was no second. Every once in a great while, I thought I would give someone the benefit of the doubt and go for date two to see if things got better, but that's it. After the 2nd date, if we both wanted to see each other again, I would not go on anymore first dates. Why would I? There was actually potential with the guy I was with now. Does this make me a multi dater or not?
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Nope. I've never snooped. Never done any of those things. People who multi-date are alot more transparent than that. To me at least. I am so confused right now. When on a date, I talk about my lifestyle, my work, my interests... it is a normal date. It's not like I sit there and have to actively keep myself from saying something about a date I went on a few days before. I am focused on the man in front of me and getting to know him. He isn't my boyfriend, he doesn't need to know if I slept with someone else the week before, and if a man was to ask I would leave. He is still a stranger, and has no right to even ask.
oaks Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I guess I am in the minority here... You're not entirely on your own, but some of us have grown weary of having this particular 'debate' over and over. I found the 'ignore' function useful. Has anyone used the green pukey smiley yet? It usually comes up when people are bashing multi-daters...
InJest Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 RedRobin, Instead of 'sussing them out', why don't you just ask? If multidating is such a big deal for you, why isn't that something you ask them on the first date, or even prior to the first date? Also, when a girl says she wants to go slow I don't assume she's banging other guys. I assume she's unsure of her interest or has some other hang up, which would be 100% correct in your case. I don't get it. You're the one that just started a thread about your being scared of commitment, so why should a guy stick to just you??
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 What, exactly, is considered 'multi-dating?' I assumed I was a multi-dater because, before I got together with my current boyfriend, I went on about a gazillion first dates. Literally, quite a few a week. But generally, I can tell whether or not I like someone after the first date, so there was no second. Every once in a great while, I thought I would give someone the benefit of the doubt and go for date two to see if things got better, but that's it. After the 2nd date, if we both wanted to see each other again, I would not go on anymore first dates. Why would I? There was actually potential with the guy I was with now. Does this make me a multi dater or not? The longest and most I have multi-dated was 3 men, one we had been seeing eachother for about a month, one we were going on date number 5, and the other we had been on 2 dates. Te first guy, was a special situation and we are still JUST dating. Going on 3 months now, and I still date other people. The 5 date guy, I ended up canceling and telling him how I enjoyed his company and how he was a great guy, he was just at a different place in his life [just started college, lots of partying, did seem to want anything long term] and then 2 date guy, he just wasn't very interesting.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 You're not entirely on your own, but some of us have grown weary of having this particular 'debate' over and over. I found the 'ignore' function useful. Has anyone used the green pukey smiley yet? It usually comes up when people are bashing multi-daters... Not yet, I feel like things aren't getting so heated. I don't mind the bashing, mostly because I see it as narrow mindedness and lack of experience in the dating world.
oaks Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Don't even start, Oaks. You've said before that you don't multi-date past a handful of dates. I was even going out on a limb once to not call you a classic 'multi-dater'... because what I'm talking about is something else entirely. You want to keep that 'label' and join the party of people who string multiple people on indefinately (that is how I view them) and use selective honesty... that's your choice. Well, I wouldn't like to get special treatment just because I only multi-date a bit.
Janesays Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 The longest and most I have multi-dated was 3 men, one we had been seeing eachother for about a month, one we were going on date number 5, and the other we had been on 2 dates. Hmm, I never done anything remotely similar. Maybe I'm not a multi-dater after all?
RedRobin Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 (edited) I am so confused right now. When on a date, I talk about my lifestyle, my work, my interests... it is a normal date. It's not like I sit there and have to actively keep myself from saying something about a date I went on a few days before. I am focused on the man in front of me and getting to know him. He isn't my boyfriend, he doesn't need to know if I slept with someone else the week before, and if a man was to ask I would leave. He is still a stranger, and has no right to even ask. I think there is somewhat of a disconnect here that I've observed many times.... People who don't do OLD tend to have other ways of learning about someone's values before going on a date. Either directly or indirectly. So, if one tends to date complete strangers, you are coming from a place where you are starting from scratch. So yea, you probably wouldn't be dumping your whole life story onto someone. Those who don't date strangers (people like me and Pierre perhaps) probably have higher expectations... and it is likely we have gotten to know them a bit in some other way before going on an actual 'date'. If I knew someone from work or one of my other activities... and had done a fair amount of talking, flirting, etc before we went out... then we went on a date... perhaps more than a few dates and things felt really special... and I found out he was seeing someone else while doing all of that... I'd be really offended. Not to mention, I would ask if things were going well after the first couple of dates just to make sure. Make sense? Edited July 19, 2012 by RedRobin
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I think there is somewhat of a disconnect here that I've observed many times.... People who don't do OLD tend to have other ways of learning about someone's values before going on a date. Either directly or indirectly. So, if one tends to date complete strangers, you are coming from a place where you are starting from scratch. So yea, you probably wouldn't be dumping your whole life story onto someone. Those who don't date strangers (people like me and Pierre perhaps) probably have higher expectations... and it is likely we have gotten to know them a bit in some other way before going on an actual 'date'. Make sense? Yes. I am a fan of learning about someone in person though. I meet people IRL and through OLD, I just don't have any deep substantial conversations in between meeting them and first date. Its not so much talking about life story, I talk probably TOO much, but as for my dating history and sex life? That is my own to disclose when I feel fit.
RedRobin Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Not yet, I feel like things aren't getting so heated. I don't mind the bashing, mostly because I see it as narrow mindedness and lack of experience in the dating world. You don't get it... People who don't multi-date don't want that 'experience' We find it repulsive.
Recommended Posts