RedRobin Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 You dont hear any of us saying "mono-daters do this or that". Sure you do. Mono-daters (the ones who refuse to date multi-daters at least) are ignorant, uptight, jealous prudes who don't like sex. That must be 'true', otherwise... why aren't we lining up as many dates as our schedule will allow, and being ok with sleeping with people while dating others and having others do the same. I've tried to explain why... at least 'why' for me... I can't speak for other mono-daters. I don't multidate because I don't think it is the path to true intimacy. Nor do I want to invest my time with a multi-dater for the same reason. Regardless of how many people they may or may not be sleeping with. Pierre posted a link to an article on baggage reclaim that summarizes best as anything why multi-dating isn't as likely to lead to intimacy. But that's ok. I've already conceded our relationship styles are drastically different and not worth finding common ground over. It is why I just avoid multi-daters. Just not worth fighting over. it is worth the effort to explain though. That's all I did.
ThaWholigan Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Sure you do. Mono-daters (the ones who refuse to date multi-daters at least) are ignorant, uptight, jealous prudes who don't like sex. That must be 'true', otherwise... why aren't we lining up as many dates as our schedule will allow, and being ok with sleeping with people while dating others and having others do the same. I've tried to explain why... at least 'why' for me... I can't speak for other mono-daters. I don't multidate because I don't think it is the path to true intimacy. Nor do I want to invest my time with a multi-dater for the same reason. Regardless of how many people they may or may not be sleeping with. Pierre posted a link to an article on baggage reclaim that summarizes best as anything why multi-dating isn't as likely to lead to intimacy. But that's ok. I've already conceded our relationship styles are drastically different and not worth finding common ground over. It is why I just avoid multi-daters. Just not worth fighting over. it is worth the effort to explain though. That's all I did. I don't recall anyone saying that on here . Lots of mudslinging going on I can see in this thread. The point is, there is no universally right way to date in my opinion. You're way is as right for you as multidating is as right for Kaylan. There is honesty on both sides. Nobody should be tarring an entire group of people who date one particular way with an entire brush, which is what you and Pierre have been doing throughout the thread. That silly article is BS - and I don't even multi-date. Nobody has a monopoly on why one style of dating is unlikely to lead to intimacy, and it's disingenuous to even insinuate that. And it's insulting.
RedRobin Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 That silly article is BS - and I don't even multi-date. Nobody has a monopoly on why one style of dating is unlikely to lead to intimacy, and it's disingenuous to even insinuate that. And it's insulting. That's your opinion and you are welcome to it. It wasn't meant as an insult. It is just my opinion too. If I believed that multi-dating had an equal or better chance of intimacy as mono-dating, I would do it. Why wouldn't I? Why wouldn't I want the best possible chance of finding and keeping love? I just don't believe it does... I suppose it is possible it does for others who multi-date. I really don't care. They just need to stay away from me and not try to lie their way into a 'relationship' with me. I will dump them quicker than sh*t (and have) no matter how I feel about them.
kaylan Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 (edited) Learning how to answer a straight question with a straight answer is a valuable life skill. I also realize that learning how to duck a straight question and leave the impression of giving an answer is also a valuable life skill.And having either skill has nothing to do with whether one mono or multi dates. It has to do with someones desire to be honest. It is within this cravasse of communication that I suppose many mono-daters and multi-daters will never bridge... or without great difficulty. Hence the need to simply avoid from the get-go. So much easier that way. Huh? Ive dated girls who mono-date without issue. So the only time a bridge cannot exist is when either party is dishonest, or when either party decides not to date the other based on assumptions.Sure you do. Mono-daters (the ones who refuse to date multi-daters at least) are ignorant, uptight, jealous prudes who don't like sex. That must be 'true', otherwise... why aren't we lining up as many dates as our schedule will allow, and being ok with sleeping with people while dating others and having others do the same. I've tried to explain why... at least 'why' for me... I can't speak for other mono-daters. I don't multidate because I don't think it is the path to true intimacy. Nor do I want to invest my time with a multi-dater for the same reason. Regardless of how many people they may or may not be sleeping with. Pierre posted a link to an article on baggage reclaim that summarizes best as anything why multi-dating isn't as likely to lead to intimacy. But that's ok. I've already conceded our relationship styles are drastically different and not worth finding common ground over. It is why I just avoid multi-daters. Just not worth fighting over. it is worth the effort to explain though. That's all I did. You are so full of it I dont know where to begin. Please quote me, in this thread, where made a wide brush negative label of all mono daters. You will find none. And though you try and backtrack and say you only try to speak for yourself and not other mono dater, YOU DID try and speak for them. You kept saying "we" or "us mono daters", and things to that affect. So dont try and deny it now...because I can quote you easily. When I spoke of ignorance and being prude, I was making a direct criticism of you and your behavior. I wouldnt date anyone who was judgmental, prude, and threw around ignorant assumptions as fact....and that goes for anyone....multi or mono dater. So please....show me where Ive behaved like you have in this thread. ThaWoligan has you pegged correctly. PS - the article is based one but one point of view. Plenty of people have found love and intimacy while multi dating. So quit it. Edited July 23, 2012 by kaylan
RedRobin Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 And having either skill has nothing to do with whether one mono or multi dates. It has to do with someones desire to be honest. Huh? Ive dated girls who mono-date without issue. So the only time a bridge cannot exist is when either party is dishonest, or when either party decides not to date the other based on assumptions. You are so full of it I dont know where to begin. Please quote me, in this thread, where made a wide brush negative label of all mono daters. You will find none. And though you try and backtrack and say you only try to speak for yourself and not other mono dater, YOU DID try and speak for them. You kept saying "we" or "us mono daters", and things to that affect. So dont try and deny it now...because I can quote you easily. When I spoke of ignorance and being prude, I was making a direct criticism of you and your behavior. I wouldnt date anyone who was judgmental, prude, and threw around ignorant assumptions as fact....and that goes for anyone....multi or mono dater. So please....show me where Ive behaved like you have in this thread. ThaWoligan has you pegged correctly. PS - the article is based one but one point of view. Plenty of people have found love and intimacy while multi dating. So quit it. Fine. I can go back and quote too, but it is probably a waste of both of our time. People know how to read. There is more than one mono-dater on this thread who expressed a lack of interest in multi-daters. Besides, we all know that the only reason any multi-dater would have to lie about their behavior is so that a mono-dater will continue dating them. Doesn't take a rocket scientist. You are honest. Great! Love it! Wouldn't change my opinion about it. You have to admit though, the article is pretty thorough. I'm going to repost it for anyone who cares to read it. Understanding Why Dating Several People at a Time is Messy & a Sign of Your Emotional Unavailability & Commitment Resistance | Baggage Reclaim
RedRobin Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 does anyone? Do you even get offers for second dates? I missed this... Do I accept second dates? If they are strangers and friends of friends, usually no. If they are someone I got to know through activities/work, etc... yes, the outcome is usually better. Do I get offers for second dates? In the past few years? Yes. Every time. Regardless of how we met. While the quantity of my dates has gone down since I stopped doing OLD, the quality has definately improved. Immensely. I don't imagine I'll ever go back to OLD unless someone develops a system to automatically do background checks before agreeing to meet someone or as a condition of signing up.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Dude: Jaclynrae admitted that she simply says she is single if someone asks her is she is multi dating. That is a shifty reply to avoid answering the question. She also stated that she claims to be single even though she is separated and not divorced. Furthermore, she stated it is not the business of her current date to know she f****ing other men. Please go back up and read the replies of Jaclynrae. Now you have two strikes. I will say that Kaylan only does one woman at a time. And I admire him for that. .. WOAH. Way to totally twist my words. One, I AM SINGLE. As in I am in no relationship. I am also divorce, no idea where you came to think I was merely serperated. And two, yes it is not my dates business, do you discuss your sexual history with strangers who you don't plan on sleeping with? See, this is where I have a problem, I am all for mono dating and multi dating, multi dating works for me and I have not heard any complaints from any of the men I have dated [and yes, a majority of them came to know that I was casually dating others]. What I do have a problem with though is this black and white standpoint you have, and your habit with twisting what we say as to make a point. Unfortunately none of your points are valid because of this. As for the sex part, I don't see how that plays a role at all. Tons of mono daters I know have one night stands as well. I can honestly say that only twice have I dated two people at the same time and slept with each of them within a two week period and KEPT dating them. They also knew I was seeing others though. I casually multi date, and another thing you seem to have assumed about me is that I lack the ability to date outside of OLD. This may surprised you but I RARELY date from OLD. I actually meet most men when out and about. Bookstores, bars, sporting events... I am more than capable of landing dates IRL. OLD was a time waster for me, as I only go on sites like them and here when I have had a long day of work and have nothing else to do. And the whole identical twins situation is just ridiculous. I don't date someone purely based on such things, besides, the way you posed it made the multidater to be a huge slut, while there are slutty mono daters out there too. Identical twins? Whichever one I get along with the most and who I connect with the most. I am not one to judge people on their past, if I take things slow enough and just DATE, I find out there true colors eventually. As a multidater, each person I date is by most terms a stranger, so for me to disclose such intimate details, when I have no idea if I will even see them again is not only smart, but would have no point. Redrobin, your dating style is not what I would call dating. You are friends and then relationships. That right there would not be dating. You get to know them and then go on a first date expecting a relationship.
RedRobin Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 (edited) One, I AM SINGLE. The question was "are you seeing someone?" or "are you seeing others?" If someone answers with "No, I'm single." I guess I'll know now to ask more questions just to make sure I know what their definition of 'single' is. Sucks that you can't just say "yes, I'm casually dating until I find someone to settle down with..." or something along those lines. I am also divorce, no idea where you came to think I was merely serperated. I recall seeing the same thing. Perhaps it was in another thread... It was the thread that talked about dating people who lied about being divorced. Where you said that you posted you were 'single' on the OLD sites when you were merely separated and before your divorce was final. And two, yes it is not my dates business, do you discuss your sexual history with strangers who you don't plan on sleeping with? Yes, I discuss my values with men I'm interested in. Absolutely. I don't know if I'd sleep with them (yet). It depends on whether or not our values match. That is part of the discovery phase of dating for me... If I decided to date someone who was honestly and actively multi-dating? No I wouldn't share intimate details of my life with them. They aren't relationship material to me. I'd only date a multi-dater if I wasn't looking for a LTR and I was there for casual sex or an activity partner (recreational companionship). In the latter case, I suspect the guy would get frustrated with my lack of interest in having sex with him and he'd eventually drop off the plate. Redrobin, your dating style is not what I would call dating. You are friends and then relationships. That right there would not be dating. You get to know them and then go on a first date expecting a relationship. Not really. I observe them in social settings, perhaps observe or hear from the grapevine how they treat their GF's/wives... there is likely some opportunity to talk in group settings... but we are not 'friends'. We are not strangers either. My friends are legitimate friends. I've never crossed over from a friend (as in, we hang out and do things together one-on-one) to a romantic relationship. Also, no... I don't go on dates expecting a relationship. If I'm sincerely interested in someone, I simply do my best to set the stage for one happening (if I'm interested in a LTR that is). If I weren't looking for a LTR (with anyone, not just him)... I'd probably behave differently. Edited July 23, 2012 by RedRobin
oaks Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 You are right. You answered the question in a legalistic manner... How do I know it is 'legalistic'? Because I know your beliefs and behavior from LS. Fair enough. I thought I answered with complete detail and honesty, and went much further than giving the simple "yes or no" that you were looking for (in part because I could see that a one word answer wouldn't be accurate either way).
oaks Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I don't imagine I'll ever go back to OLD unless someone develops a system to automatically do background checks before agreeing to meet someone or as a condition of signing up. Those sites do exist. I don't know if they ask "are you a multi-dater?" as part of the check, though!
oaks Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Advert seen on public transport this morning for a dating site... claims "strict entry" and "profile verification", whatever that means.
RedRobin Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Advert seen on public transport this morning for a dating site... claims "strict entry" and "profile verification", whatever that means. Interesting! That is good to know!
RedRobin Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Fair enough. I thought I answered with complete detail and honesty, and went much further than giving the simple "yes or no" that you were looking for (in part because I could see that a one word answer wouldn't be accurate either way). If I were on a date with you, I would have appreciated that... In all fairness, I also would have taken your answer as some attempt to reach mutual understanding too... I would not have taken it as an attempt to be weasely.
goldengirl11 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I'm suspicious of taking things slowly i.e casually dating. I mean, aren't they just saying they're not sure if you're the one for them? It caused me nothing but discomfort and worrying they would meet someone else last time, so I am hesitant to go through a similar 'agreement again.'
RedRobin Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 If I was single and if i was dating a women that said: "I want to take things slowly" I would not call her back. She is probably not sure or she could be a multi dater; it does not matter. Either way I am out of there. I only want to date women that I know are into me. These days, wanting to wait more than three dates for sex is considered 'going slowly' I agree with you about the not getting involved with someone who needs to date casually though. Of course, you knew that.
BeyondtheClouds Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I have some views about multidating since my guy was multidating when we first got together. One, if I knew that the guy was multidating, then I will never offer to pay for the date. this is because I found out that while he was asking me to contribute to the costs of dates, I found receipts and credit card statements that showed me that he didn't ask the same of the woman he was dating. He has now made up for it, paying me back for some of it. I should also add that at a time when I was using the bus and paying my own fare, he couldn't be bothered waiting for the bus to come. And then I saw that he actually offered taxi fare for the other woman. his reason, I seemed so independent, I didn't need his help. guys, c'mon.......do you prefer needy women? Also I learned that she knew a lot about me, including our sexual relationship and I told him that that patently unfair to me. He keeps saying that he was always seeing her as "just a friend" but that he is sorry that it happened that way. My guy has been remorseful which is why we are still together. But it has gotten me to think about multidating and how it may not be a good thing.
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