curlygirl40 Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Hello!! I have a few guy friends who are on line dating and they always tell me how frustrating it is for them to e-mail a girl and have the girl not answer. They say 'geez, a thanks but no thanks would be nice!'. I'm paraphrasing. Anyway, so I have started to answer e-mails even if I'm not interested, just to be polite. I thank them for the e-mail, if they had questions for me in their original e-mail I will answer them, then I tell them I've looked at their profile and I don't think that we would be a good match. And then I wish them luck. Well, probably not going to do that again after this week. I find that this causes more and more e-mails from these guys arguing with me. They want to know why I think that? Why do I think a 2 hour drive is too far to date? What is it about them that I don't like? Was it something in their profile? Can I be more specific? Today I had a guy cut and paste his Plenty of Fish profile in an e-mail to me on Match because he thought he did a much better job describing himself on that site. This was the third e-mail he sent me after my 'thanks but no thanks' e-mail to him. I find it's easier to ignore even though I feel rude I'm just wondering how you all handle it. Boys and girls. Do you usually just ignore e-mails if you're not interested? If you do send a quick reply, do you get this response as well? When you reach out to someone on a site and they don't respond to you, do you think this is rude or acceptable??
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 (edited) If it's someone I'm not that interested(or for whatever reason just don't want to pursue/progress) I usually reply with a retarded message so that they are kind of turned off and just think I'm kind of stupid or in some way just come off as undesirable The thing about online dating is people really take things at face value, so It's very easy to control their judgment and perception of you, and after that they won't typically reply. In this way that person kind of feels like they rejected me which makes it easier for them to move on and message someone else. I do not need the confidence/ego boost so I'd rather take the hit myself and even embarrass myself if necessary, I know who I am and what I'm about so I'm not insecure in doing that and I don't like rejecting women because I know that many are insecure about themselves in some way especially If having to be the aggressor. As a woman I don't think that you are obligated to message men back, I've talked to these type of men and tell them not to have such high expectations...IF someone isn't interested and doesn't reply in a few days then move on, no big deal there's a million other women out there why do you think this woman you half-know is the one that you'd end up really liking? like I said, online dating is about perception and first impressions, and of course attraction...so It's a real superficial process that people really need to get over and stop taking so much to heart...there are a million reasons a person may not get a reply and the reason they haven't responded is irrelevant...move on, so what...you don't know this person, maybe after you'd get to know them you'd find out you are completely incompatible. But then again these are usually the people that judge and base everything off face value, and the qualities they look for in people are not to my surprise things that have actual value in a relationship...basically I don't think most people know what they're doing or looking for, it's like a shot in the dark and more than half the people that do just don't have enough relationship experience to determine that (IMO) So to answer your question...you don't need a reply to every man to message you, tell your friends to get over it and move on, this is the name of the game. All these guys are going to want to do is fix that thing that you rejected them for, believe you were mistaken or try to defend themselves because it hurt them and made them insecure so they want to "correct" that perception or whatever reason you perceive to believe about them. People just need to get over it, IF you can't handle rejection then don't date...there's nothing more awkward than arguing with someone about why they aren't interested...It's irrelevant and insecure...who gives a ***** why, find someone who is. Now If you go on a date with someone then I think It's polite to tell them afterwards that you are not interested so they have that kind of closure and understand to move on and not hope, but that's just a nicety and not even always required depending on the person and circumstances...unfortunately not all adults are capable of maintaining that level of respect, they take it too offensively and personal which is understandable...it does hurt but It's not the end of the world either or defines your value, nobody should. Edited July 18, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas 1
It's Just Me Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I always acknowledged all messages, even from guys in whom I had no interest. In saying 'no thanks,' I never gave a specific reason, therefore there was no discussion to be had. Here was my text, every single time: "Thanks for your message. Unfortunately, the interest is not reciprocal. Good luck in your search!" I most often got back a quick note stating, "thanks for letting me know and good luck to you." Very civilized. 1
oaks Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Being a guy I'm not exactly overwhelmed with messages, but I get maybe 1 a week. I used to reply if it was serious (eg, local, age appropriate, and able to write more than "hi there" - which rules out half of them). Recently I sent "sorry but I don't think we would be a good match" and got in response "you're right, I've looked again at your photos and can see that I did lower my standards in contacting you" ! So I'm, erm, reviewing my policy of replying. And I can see why most women don't bother. On the rare occasion that I do get a rejection, I always politely thank them and do not ask questions about their decision. They tend to write back again to thank me.
NYC-BigKat Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Hello!! I have a few guy friends who are on line dating and they always tell me how frustrating it is for them to e-mail a girl and have the girl not answer. They say 'geez, a thanks but no thanks would be nice!'. I'm paraphrasing. Anyway, so I have started to answer e-mails even if I'm not interested, just to be polite. I thank them for the e-mail, if they had questions for me in their original e-mail I will answer them, then I tell them I've looked at their profile and I don't think that we would be a good match. And then I wish them luck. Well, probably not going to do that again after this week. I find that this causes more and more e-mails from these guys arguing with me. They want to know why I think that? Why do I think a 2 hour drive is too far to date? What is it about them that I don't like? Was it something in their profile? Can I be more specific? Today I had a guy cut and paste his Plenty of Fish profile in an e-mail to me on Match because he thought he did a much better job describing himself on that site. This was the third e-mail he sent me after my 'thanks but no thanks' e-mail to him. I find it's easier to ignore even though I feel rude I'm just wondering how you all handle it. Boys and girls. Do you usually just ignore e-mails if you're not interested? If you do send a quick reply, do you get this response as well? When you reach out to someone on a site and they don't respond to you, do you think this is rude or acceptable?? Uh..I ask the same stuff u know. I send lots & lots of messages to girls so I need to know what I'm doing wrong if I am u know. Its natural for guys to ask this so u should tell us the truth & dont keep us wondering .
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I always acknowledged all messages, even from guys in whom I had no interest. In saying 'no thanks,' I never gave a specific reason, therefore there was no discussion to be had. Here was my text, every single time: "Thanks for your message. Unfortunately, the interest is not reciprocal. Good luck in your search!" I most often got back a quick note stating, "thanks for letting me know and good luck to you." Very civilized. You've been very fortunate by the men who have messaged you..many women I've talked to have replied in the same manner and received essentially hate-mail, sometimes for weeks without a reply.
MrCastle Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 This is similar to the thread I made last night. Bottom line, I don't want to hear a woman tell me straight up "I'm not intereated in you". I don't think my ego would be able to take that kind of blow, and I also don't have the heart to send someone that kind of message. I'd rather ignore people I'm not into and expect the same from women who aren't into me. We're all adults here, if you don't get a reply, you know why.
Author curlygirl40 Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Recently I sent "sorry but I don't think we would be a good match" and got in response "you're right, I've looked again at your photos and can see that I did lower my standards in contacting you" ! So I'm, erm, reviewing my policy of replying. And I can see why most women don't bother. This made me chuckle. Too funny. Bitter much? Wow, that's rude of her. 1
It's Just Me Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 You've been very fortunate by the men who have messaged you..many women I've talked to have replied in the same manner and received essentially hate-mail, sometimes for weeks without a reply. I think the key is in keeping the wording impersonal. Note that I say "the interest isn't reciprocal" rather than "I'm not interested in you" or "I don't think we're a good match." There is a difference, even though the message is the same. On the flip side, I did receive quite a few "no thanks" messages when I reached out to some gentlemen. I much preferred those to complete silence. To handle OLD, you need a thick skin, boundless optimism, and the understanding that not everyone is attracted to everyone and no - you're not special. But you can be special to someone, at some point. Kinda like real life, really.
Sugarkane Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I get overwhelmed with messages and I've done far more rejecting than dating. On mine the more you reply, the more visible your profile is to other people and more options you will get.
Vintage79 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I'm a guy, but get plenty of people contacting me. Even after being online for 2 months, I still get about 15 new people contacting me each week. I try to respond to every letter. If it was sincere, but I'm not interested, I usually answer a question or two, and then say, I don't think the chemistry is there, if it's a short, not terribly personal letter, I just say I don't think the chemistry is there. Nothing too fancy, I don't think I've ever had a woman write back and ask why. I may have gotten 1 or 2 bitter ones, but it's not a big deal - just don't respond to anything you get from them after you send your first response - they know your position, so I'm comfortable ignoring at that point.
FitChick Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 "Thanks for your message. Unfortunately, the interest is not reciprocal. Good luck in your search!" I leave out the middle sentence. The vaguer you are the better. You have to realize these guys have been rejected over and over so one more might send them over the edge.
It's Just Me Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 (edited) You have to realize these guys have been rejected over and over so one more might send them over the edge. Well, at the time, I did think about that, but then again... if they're on the edge, it doesn't matter what I do. I'm over here being honest. It's not my job to worry about their well-being. We are all adults, presumably with coping skills somewhat more developed than those of elementary-school kids. Edited July 19, 2012 by It's Just Me
Janesays Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I used to say: Thanks for your message! You seem like a really great guy, but I honestly don't think we have enough in common. But good luck on your search! (Not that you'll need it! ) Yeah. That almost never went over well.
Imajerk17 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I'd like to be told directly after the *date* if she doesn't feel there is a match. But after a first email? You gotta be kidding. Just don't write back.
yongyong Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Just ignore it why do you even bother? you don't even know them. Plus most guys are sending you emails for a bang. it's not like they find you very interesting as a human being lol You can email him that there was no chemistry after first date instead of disappearing though When I get an email from unattractive women, (not just my standard but I mean f-ing ugly fat girls whom I should be on Jerry springer's show if we start to date) I just ignore it or even block their profile. Sometimes, I want to ask 'really? you are f-ing woman and heavier than me, you have a lot of money or something?'
Sugarkane Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 On the flipside I've messaged guys and got rejected. I didn't send hate mail or keep contacting them.
Bob_Funk Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 (edited) Sounds like a nice problem to have. I've only gotten two first messages in three months of logging on everyday. Interestingly, but unsurprisingly, both of them were Asian. Edited July 19, 2012 by Bob_Funk
Kofybean Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 ...Well, probably not going to do that again after this week. I find that this causes more and more e-mails from these guys arguing with... I would never call you arrogant since I dont know you, but the notion from women as a whole who complain about the affection men show them, I think, is arrogant. As if to say one is so much better than everyone else that they can disregard another human being as a nuisance. I also find it arrogant to tell someone how they should feel and act upon receivingrejection when never walking in their shoes. If you kept getting ignored and rejected hundreds of times, you too would ask "why?" If one person out of a thousand responds to you. I also find it arrogant to tell someone that you dont like them, and be frustrated that they have the audacity to ask "why"? Believe it or not... Prince Charming isnt the only guy who has the right to message people. But to answer your question... ignoring people sounds easiest for you.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I don't respond to a majority... *hide* But in all fairness, it would take so much time to respond to them all. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I don't respond to any unless I am interested. In my experience when I send rejections back, I just get nasty messages in return
Andy_K Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I used to say: Thanks for your message! You seem like a really great guy, but I honestly don't think we have enough in common. But good luck on your search! (Not that you'll need it! ) Yeah. That almost never went over well. Well obviously not... it's a terrible reason and probably not the truth! It's virtually impossible to tell how much you've got in common with someone based just one what's in their profile. Most people aren't that great at conveying their personality, let alone all their interests. So naturally guys are going to be upset that you rejected them for a crappy reason that you can't even be particularly sure of. You're better to use something more concrete - 'I don't want to date a guy who smokes' or 'I'm not really a sporty person so I don't think we'd gel' or whatever. Specifics are important
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