Fortune Cookie Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 (edited) I had a great relationship with a girl for a bit on 2 and a half years, but then things slowly went downhill. Some of the love seemed to go out of the relationship and she was had always had problems with depression. I truly loved her and did all that I could for her, but she broke up with me. I let her know I hoped she would one day choose to be with me again and I hoped to remain friends, as it seemed a logical thing to me... but I guess it really isn't that easy. People are right when they say you can't go back, I guess. Well, either way, our contact became very infrequent for a few months. I started dating online another girl (my ex is about 24, I'm about 23, the new girl is about 20) but... while I am dating this girl... I've begun to realize I've just entered a rebound relationship and I've been trying to fall in love with her while trying to plan the least hurtful exit possible if I can't succeed in falling in love with her; I truly loved her at first... but rebounds just aren't real relationships. They're running away. Now, while I'm still dating the new girl, I find that my ex is dating someone else. It's been about 5 months since we broke up, and she apparently began dating him a month ago. My rebound began a little under a month after the breakup- that should have been a telltale sign for me. Either way, I've very hurt and torn up inside to find that she has someone else in her life now and loves him... it's an online relationship too, but she has known the person throughout even about 2 of the years I was dating her. I think it has a chance, and hate to admit that I want to be with her again -though we don't always want what's good for us. Basically... what do you think, and what should I do? x.x I know people break up for a reason; ours was that communication slowly dropped off and we hit the relationship death spiral. We're both good people, but we couldn't find a way to end it. Eventually there was an argument over something small and she broke up with me. I've taken a month of counseling and been through a lot of psychology classes and things on positive life choices and thinking, and I would love an opportunity to try things again if we could avoid arguing and get off on the right foot. I still care for her and remember everything about her; it's not just that I want someone to care for me and to care for and be with -it's that I want to be with her. Edited July 18, 2012 by Fortune Cookie
yogamobb Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 That's a hard pill to swallow. Sorry to hear about your hurt. You must let time take its course so you can move on. She has moved on. Very hard though. Maintain NC. 1
Author Fortune Cookie Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Part of the hurt is that I want to be with her and I know I can't. Another is I want to be with my current girlfriend, but I'm not sure how to mange things. I love her, but it's hard now that I'm thinking about my ex because of all this. e.e I'm not sure exactly how to deal with this. Thanks for the response; I hope to hear more. NC is probably a good idea. Part of me wants to get in contact again and try to be friends... but that will only end in pain and make it harder to be more true to my girlfriend, right? : (
robaday Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 It seems clear that you are not over your previous relationship - if you were, her dating someone else wouldnt matter. In my case, and Im sorry to hijack, weve hooked up a couple of times, her instigating. The minute Ive shown interest shes gone distant. Ive seen found out shes on an online dating website and checked it recently. Im due to meet her this weekend, but I have no idea how to play it. Cancel? see what she has to say?
yogamobb Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Part of the hurt is that I want to be with her and I know I can't. Another is I want to be with my current girlfriend, but I'm not sure how to mange things. I love her, but it's hard now that I'm thinking about my ex because of all this. e.e I'm not sure exactly how to deal with this. Thanks for the response; I hope to hear more. NC is probably a good idea. Part of me wants to get in contact again and try to be friends... but that will only end in pain and make it harder to be more true to my girlfriend, right? : ( Keep NC. I'm sure you have enough friends. You can't be friends with an ex unless you are completely over them. This may be years from now. Its not fair to date someone until you are over the ex because you won't be able to love them the way you should. I know it is not easy. I'm going through the same thing. If you break a bone the doctor gives it a set time to heal. what happens if you take the cast off early? you have to start all over. Pardon my analogy. 1
yogamobb Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 It seems clear that you are not over your previous relationship - if you were, her dating someone else wouldnt matter. In my case, and Im sorry to hijack, weve hooked up a couple of times, her instigating. The minute Ive shown interest shes gone distant. Ive seen found out shes on an online dating website and checked it recently. Im due to meet her this weekend, but I have no idea how to play it. Cancel? see what she has to say? She "hooks up" with you because she wants to know that she still can. It's an ego boost for the dumper and she is ONLY doing it for HER. THIS IS NOT FOR YOU! Once you show interest she gets distant because she doesn't want a relationship with you. She knows your a nice guy and she is using you for that. As soon as she finds something solid, you will be kicked to the curb. We must be ALPHAS. Don't let anyone have you begging for crumbs off the table, there's a woman out there that will give you a whole meal! 1
Author Fortune Cookie Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 I'm well aware I'm not entirely over the previous relationship. I want better ideas and support for getting over the previous relationship, and advice on whether I can build my current relationship into a true and strong one or not.
yogamobb Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I'm well aware I'm not entirely over the previous relationship. I want better ideas and support for getting over the previous relationship, and advice on whether I can build my current relationship into a true and strong one or not. You can build the current one. Pour all of your energy into the new gal. 1
robaday Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Its the jealousy that bothers me - she is incredibly jealous still, but doesnt seem to be willing to work it out. I'm well aware I'm not entirely over the previous relationship. I want better ideas and support for getting over the previous relationship, and advice on whether I can build my current relationship into a true and strong one or not. Fortune Cookie, I hear you here, but it can work. I had my heart broken badly by someone years ago, and a year later started dating someone else. It was kinda a rebound, simply because despite the huge amount of time that had passed, I wasnt over the first girl. I persisted with the new girl. It took me a long time to develop feelings and sometimes I wondered if I ever would - I knew she was great catch, but I was emotionally unavailable. It took six months for me to develop feelings. I went away for two months (back to my country) and my first sight of her after that time......man I was so in love you wouldnt believe. Its worth persisting, we stayed together for 3 years and I dont regret it at all. Freeze the other one out. 1
Author Fortune Cookie Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 Alright, I do want to move on with the relationship I am now in. However, what would one suggest to me to do in regards to any potential interactions with my ex? She will be at the college I go to next semester, plus I still need to retrieve a few of my possessions from here. On the topic of my new girlfriend, it seems the general consensus is to stick to it. I will definitely do so. (And if you reply to this message, I'd like to hear, if you would oblige, what you think about this second relationship. Do you think what starts a rebound can turn into a full relationship?)
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