Author sunnysoldier Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 No, he has to ask. And you're not over your ex. His friend is a rebound for you, a temporary ego boost, nothing more. This will not end well. And I'm pretty sure your ex doesn't think you're worthless. He's simply no longer interested. But maybe you think you're worthless. I think you need to learn that you are a worthy person, and that just because one man dumped you, it doesn't say anything negative about you. As far as the friend. He has to ask. If you're not okay with it, don't date him. No, my ex does think I'm worthless. He just does. The fact that he cares so little, was instantly over me... the whole relationship was just a big lie it turns out. I think even guys who are no longer interested show SOME feelings for their ex... isn't that why the Bro Code was invented? And my ex shows zero, none, I don't even exist, it's like we never dated. I still don't get why he HAS to ask. Why? Why can no one say anything except "respect" and "trust"? What does that mean??
stillafool Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 No, I just can't go through it all again. I don't want my ex to know my business, I don't want to be reminded-again-how little he cares about me, that he is "whatever" about his own friend dating me... It's been really tough getting over this break-up, and the whole situation is just reminding me how worthless the ex sees me. I just don't see why he needs to. Why is it necessary? I could see if my ex still had feelings, or if I'd broken up with him, but that isn't the case. It bothers you more than it will bother the ex because it is clear you still hafeelings for him. Maybe you shouldn't date your ex's friend because you are still worrying about your ex. If what you say is true and he doesn't care about you he is not going to care what his friend tells him about you. If the friend really likes you I can't imagine him telling your ex anything but good things about you. Considering how you still feel about your ex maybe it would be good to date out of his circle of friends.
ThaWholigan Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 (edited) No, I'm not over him, which the new guy is aware of. Like I said, it was just supposed to be some rebound fun. I had it better under control before this whole "I'm gonna involve your ex when he doesn't need to be" fiasco. Oh how ridiculous. Dismissed from an entire social circle because he dated the ex of a man whore, who doesn't care that she's alive?? It all sounds so dramatic and high-school. I told you - girls just don't get it . If it's a rebound "bit of fun" thing, you might as well keep it a secret from everyone then and leave it at that. But don't diss the bro-code . Personally, if it's such a problem, you shouldn't date this guy then. Dating a guy in the same social circle as your ex is always going to cause a problem. It's seen by some guys as the equivalent of having an affair with a current partner. That sounds silly to some people, especially girls in question, but it's how it is, and we respect the feelings of our friends by either not dating them, or asking permission just in case. Edited July 18, 2012 by ThaWholigan
stillafool Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I still don't get why he HAS to ask. Why? Why can no one say anything except "respect" and "trust"? What does that mean?? You might ask yourself this "If a girlfriend of mine is now dating my ex should she tell me about it or just go behind my back, date him, and I find out when I find out?" Would you still consider her a good friend? 1
ThaWholigan Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 You might ask yourself this "If a girlfriend of mine is now dating my ex should she tell me about it or just go behind my back, date him, and I find out when I find out?" Would you still consider her a good friend? No matter how the ex feels about it, one should ask. The way I see it, if a friend of mine would date an ex behind my back without telling me, he has the potential to do more untrustworthy acts, such as dating a current partner behind my back, or something similar. This is what I'm talking about, and why there is a bro-code.
Author sunnysoldier Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 You might ask yourself this "If a girlfriend of mine is now dating my ex should she tell me about it or just go behind my back, date him, and I find out when I find out?" Would you still consider her a good friend? I've been conditioned not to care. "People aren't property." "You don't get to 'call' someone." "Someone else's love life is none of your business." I might be privately upset, but it'd be social suicide for me to get upset about it. I'd get labeled a drama queen. If I had the dumped the guy, my friends would think I was being absolutely ridiculous. After all, I didn't want him, and I have no right to details (details like telling me sooner than other people) when I myself didn't want him. And if I didn't care about him, why would it bother me if she dated him? It's like saying someone has a secret, and them withholding it from you makes them a bad friend, even if the secret has nothing to do with you, and you don't even care what the secret is in the end. That's why this all strikes me as so weird and immature.
ThaWholigan Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I've been conditioned not to care. "People aren't property." "You don't get to 'call' someone." "Someone else's love life is none of your business." I might be privately upset, but it'd be social suicide for me to get upset about it. I'd get labeled a drama queen. If I had the dumped the guy, my friends would think I was being absolutely ridiculous. After all, I didn't want him, and I have no right to details (details like telling me sooner than other people) when I myself didn't want him. And if I didn't care about him, why would it bother me if she dated him? It's like saying someone has a secret, and them withholding it from you makes them a bad friend, even if the secret has nothing to do with you, and you don't even care what the secret is in the end. That's why this all strikes me as so weird and immature. You have been socialized differently, as girls generally are. So I can imagine you think it's weird. Boys where I live aren't socialized like this, especially where girls are concerned. If my friend is dating someone, she's off limits forever, unless one enquires. If my friend says no, it doesn't happen, unless my feelings for the girl is so strong, I'm ready to sever ties with that particular social circle. No matter what happened between my friend and his girl, me dating her without telling anyone or saying anything can and possibly will be misconstrued as distrustful. In the mind of my friend, if I can do that, as minor as it may seem to some people, I can be capable of even worse levels of distrustful behavior. I could even cheat with his current partner, or similar. In his head. Basically, even if my friend doesn't care, I am obliged to ask, if I am in a social circle that employs a bro-code. Even if he doesn't care, I should follow the code.
InJest Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I think you know what you want from this, and it's the same thing you wanted before you came here. All it really comes down to is what you're comfortable with. You're not comfortable with him telling your ex, and that is a dealbreaker for you, and that has been communicated clearly to the guy you're seeing. So at this point it is a matter of being a woman of your word. Personally, I think you shouldn't be limiting yourself to just this one guy, particularly if it's 'just fun', and its so early on.
Author sunnysoldier Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 You have been socialized differently, as girls generally are. So I can imagine you think it's weird. Boys where I live aren't socialized like this, especially where girls are concerned. If my friend is dating someone, she's off limits forever, unless one enquires. If my friend says no, it doesn't happen, unless my feelings for the girl is so strong, I'm ready to sever ties with that particular social circle. No matter what happened between my friend and his girl, me dating her without telling anyone or saying anything can and possibly will be misconstrued as distrustful. In the mind of my friend, if I can do that, as minor as it may seem to some people, I can be capable of even worse levels of distrustful behavior. I could even cheat with his current partner, or similar. In his head. Basically, even if my friend doesn't care, I am obliged to ask, if I am in a social circle that employs a bro-code. Even if he doesn't care, I should follow the code. Then looks like me dumping him will do him a favor. He can go repeat the cycle with all the other girls my ex has gotten to first (in other words, all of them) and my ex can continue to use girls and toss them away. Seriously, doesn't the Bro Code seem to give a LOT of power to players? That my ex can essentially label me off-limits for ever, ensuring I stay single unless I find an entirely new social group, while he gets to sleep around, even while he has NO feelings for me? Why does he get to have so much power, when he wouldn't even a single second of sadness over my demise? (It sounds dramatic, but that's how strongly I'm trying to emphasize his NOT caring.)
InJest Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Jesus, we know he doesn't care(or at least you think he doesn't). That argument is not going to sway anyone's opinion(and I agree with you). You already made your stand, now stick to it, and stop looking for validation. No one here actually gives a **** how you feel.
stillafool Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 And if I didn't care about him, why would it bother me if she dated him? It's like saying someone has a secret, and them withholding it from you makes them a bad friend, even if the secret has nothing to do with you, and you don't even care what the secret is in the end. This is how your ex is going to feel when his friend tells him. Your current guy just wants to clear his conscience because he values his friendship with your ex. I doubt they will have a conversatin about it. I think your current guy is a good friend and if it bothers you that much just don't date him and he will have nothing to tell. 1
ThaWholigan Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Then looks like me dumping him will do him a favor. He can go repeat the cycle with all the other girls my ex has gotten to first (in other words, all of them) and my ex can continue to use girls and toss them away. Seriously, doesn't the Bro Code seem to give a LOT of power to players? That my ex can essentially label me off-limits for ever, ensuring I stay single unless I find an entirely new social group, while he gets to sleep around, even while he has NO feelings for me? Why does he get to have so much power, when he wouldn't even a single second of sadness over my demise? (It sounds dramatic, but that's how strongly I'm trying to emphasize his NOT caring.) Not really. The Bro Code states that you can ask, and it's not like every guy is going to say no. You just can't go behind his back and do it. Being a player doesn't come into it IMO. Neither does power. It's just the rules of the man's social circle, whether there are players in it or not. Players probably care less, so in that regard it's probably better because you have more chance of dating the ex if you like her enough. But they still respect you more if you ask.
stillafool Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Then looks like me dumping him will do him a favor. He can go repeat the cycle with all the other girls my ex has gotten to first (in other words, all of them) and my ex can continue to use girls and toss them away. Seriously, doesn't the Bro Code seem to give a LOT of power to players? That my ex can essentially label me off-limits for ever, ensuring I stay single unless I find an entirely new social group, while he gets to sleep around, even while he has NO feelings for me? Why does he get to have so much power, when he wouldn't even a single second of sadness over my demise? (It sounds dramatic, but that's how strongly I'm trying to emphasize his NOT caring.) I think it would do you good to find a new social group to hang out with. It must be hurtful to hang out with your current group because your ex is there having himself a ball while you are pissed. I always keep several groups to socialize with because I get tired of the same old same old. 1
Author sunnysoldier Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 I think it would do you good to find a new social group to hang out with. It must be hurtful to hang out with your current group because your ex is there having himself a ball while you are pissed. I always keep several groups to socialize with because I get tired of the same old same old. Yeah, I guess. I'm just sick of my ex winning... He gets the fantastic sex with different girls, not having to deal with the emotions of a break-up, having this amazing life, and now he gets to keep the friends while I have to find a whole new social group (and I've been friends with these people for years.) Me holding back details of my private life was trying to have SOME power back... like I couldn't instantly get over him, but at least I could shut him out of my own personal stuff. Now I can't even do that. It all just sucks.
stillafool Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Me holding back details of my private life was trying to have SOME power back... like I couldn't instantly get over him, How is giving him the idea that you "can't" get over him easily giving you POWER back? It would seem you are taking the backwards approach to this. Getting your power back would be you have gotten over him and moved on with your life.
Author sunnysoldier Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 How is giving him the idea that you "can't" get over him easily giving you POWER back? It would seem you are taking the backwards approach to this. Getting your power back would be you have gotten over him and moved on with your life. Well I can't do that just yet (getting there, but not fully there) so not showing anything at all is preferable, right?
stillafool Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 (edited) To be honest, getting your power back would be to not date his friend because as a woman I would not like taking the chance that these two may someday have the opportunity to discuss me sexually. If I were you I would disappear for a while (like get a new social group) and make him wonder what happened to you. Show up months later to the old social group looking fabulous and happy. That's getting your power back. Edited July 19, 2012 by stillafool
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