sunnysoldier Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I and my ex dated for about a year. He dumped me about 2 months ago, by just saying that he didn't see a romantic future with me anymore. I pulled a No Contact. A few weeks later, one of his friends and I started hanging out, and we've gotten rather close. We're talking about starting a relationship... but the new guy wants to make sure my ex is cool with it. Here's the thing: my ex dumped me. I know for a fact he's already had sex with two other women. He seems like he could not care less about me. In fact, he told one of his other guy friends he was totally welcome to date me, very much a "Yeah go for it, whatever" attitude. Ya know, that he'd be "happy" for me. I'm pretty sure if I died, my ex wouldn't even blink. That's how little he seems to care about me. I am adamantly against my new guy telling my ex ANYthing. I don't feel that my ex, who cares so little about me, gets to know my personal business. My new guy claims that it's the bro code, and that he feels guilty/dishonesty not letting my ex know. But my ex doesn't care! How can the bro code matter when it wouldn't hurt or affect my ex in any way?
Art_Critic Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Well... the bro code isn't about asking permission.. the bro code is that you don't date your friends ex's.. period.. But since you want to date and he wants to ask permission.. so to speak, then let him... 1
Balzac Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 BroCode is that they likely socialize and you'd still be in the mix. Kinda awkward. 1
Author sunnysoldier Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Well... the bro code isn't about asking permission.. the bro code is that you don't date your friends ex's.. period.. But since you want to date and he wants to ask permission.. so to speak, then let him... No, I just can't go through it all again. I don't want my ex to know my business, I don't want to be reminded-again-how little he cares about me, that he is "whatever" about his own friend dating me... It's been really tough getting over this break-up, and the whole situation is just reminding me how worthless the ex sees me. I just don't see why he needs to. Why is it necessary? I could see if my ex still had feelings, or if I'd broken up with him, but that isn't the case.
ThaWholigan Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 (edited) Bro Code is important in my opinion. It's like a code of conduct that every guy in your social circle adopts once they are a circle. Breaching the Bro code is seen as a breach of trust. So loyalty must be adhered to at all costs. Not at the expense of conflict, but at the expense of dishonor. Your prospective date is doing the right thing by at least asking permission of your ex. If your ex isn't happy about it, then your new man is obliged to break things off out of respect for his friend. It's tough for the girl, I get that. But it's difficult to break off social ties, especially the ridicule one gets when it's done for a girl (no offense). I understand your predicament, I have met girls who have been in that position. I'm sure it will work out. But he still has to ask permission, he can't just start going out with you. That could be seen as distrustful, for whatever reason Personally, I would NEVER date an ex of any of my friends. Once they start going out with my friend, in my head they are off-limits. Edited July 18, 2012 by ThaWholigan
Author sunnysoldier Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Bro Code is important in my opinion. It's like a code of conduct that every guy in your social circle adopts once they are a circle. Breaching the Bro code is seen as a breach of trust. So loyalty must be adhered to at all costs. Not at the expense of conflict, but at the expense of dishonor. Your prospective date is doing the right thing by at least asking permission of your ex. Personally, I would NEVER date an ex of any of my friends. Once they start going out with my friend, in my head they are off-limits. But why in the world does trust enter into it?? It's not like the new guy is "stealing" me or something. Or if he is, why does it matter, because my ex doesn't even want the "thing" that I am. I just can't wrap my head around why a girl is off-limits, when the ex doesn't even want her! Is ecstatic without her! etc. Why does it even need to be discussed??
ThaWholigan Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 But why in the world does trust enter into it?? It's not like the new guy is "stealing" me or something. Or if he is, why does it matter, because my ex doesn't even want the "thing" that I am. I just can't wrap my head around why a girl is off-limits, when the ex doesn't even want her! Is ecstatic without her! etc. Why does it even need to be discussed?? It just does. Men can be territorial. If a friend of mine wanted to date an ex, I wouldn't mind, but if he asked permission I would have more respect for him, just for the common courtesy he showed me as a friend even though I'm not dating her anymore. It seems to be hard for a lot of girls to understand. It's just a man thing, we don't date our friend's exes. Once a girl dates our friends, they are usually off-limits forever, unless one is in a mixed social circle that permits that. But usually if it's a predominantly male social circle, exes are off-limits. I don't really fully know why myself, but that's just how it is, and how we are socialized amongst ourselves as men.
Author sunnysoldier Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 It just does. Men can be territorial. If a friend of mine wanted to date an ex, I wouldn't mind, but if he asked permission I would have more respect for him, just for the common courtesy he showed me as a friend even though I'm not dating her anymore. It seems to be hard for a lot of girls to understand. It's just a man thing, we don't date our friend's exes. Once a girl dates our friends, they are usually off-limits forever, unless one is in a mixed social circle that permits that. But usually if it's a predominantly male social circle, exes are off-limits. I don't really fully know why myself, but that's just how it is, and how we are socialized amongst ourselves as men. But my ex isn't territorial. He's such a man whore that the joke is, if the girls he "dated" were off-limits, there would be no single girls left to date. So, it doesn't really seem fair that his friends would have to "check" with him when he's claimed so much territory. Additionally, I assume the Bro Code exists because even if you're over your ex, there is still warm feelings from the relationship, some sort of sign of connection. But my ex isn't like that.... it's almost as if we never dated, to him, except when he's showing up how happy he is without me. In situations like this, does the Bro Code even apply??
Ami1uwant Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 The bro code is you dont date one of the guys ex without their consent. There are other aspects such as knowing who brok up with who...is he over her...how much time its been...and close are they as buddies. Something you have to realize to...if you go out with him you willl likely be running into your ex at social funstions and you cant ask him to give up his buddy. The other part of the bro code... ---You dont go after a woman you know your buddy has claimed he is pursuing/interested in. -- If you slepp with his current gf or very recent ex you will lose the friendship The guy will likely tell him---are you nuts... 1
Author sunnysoldier Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 The bro code is you dont date one of the guys ex without their consent. There are other aspects such as knowing who brok up with who...is he over her...how much time its been...and close are they as buddies. Something you have to realize to...if you go out with him you willl likely be running into your ex at social funstions and you cant ask him to give up his buddy. The other part of the bro code... ---You dont go after a woman you know your buddy has claimed he is pursuing/interested in. -- If you slepp with his current gf or very recent ex you will lose the friendship The guy will likely tell him---are you nuts... Well, he dumped me, it's been a few months, and he is VERY over me. In fact, he and the new guy hung out very shortly after the break-up and my ex had just gone right back to single life, was happy as a clam. I'm okay with running into my ex at social events. I'd never ask him to give up his friend. That's not what I want. I just don't want my ex to know my business until everyone knows.... so, treat my ex like any other person in our circle.
ThaWholigan Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 But my ex isn't territorial. He's such a man whore that the joke is, if the girls he "dated" were off-limits, there would be no single girls left to date. So, it doesn't really seem fair that his friends would have to "check" with him when he's claimed so much territory. Additionally, I assume the Bro Code exists because even if you're over your ex, there is still warm feelings from the relationship, some sort of sign of connection. But my ex isn't like that.... it's almost as if we never dated, to him, except when he's showing up how happy he is without me. In situations like this, does the Bro Code even apply?? Maybe not. But as I said, out of respect for his friend, he STILL has to ask. He can't sneak and do it, he has to at least let him know he wants to date you. I'm sorry if this displeases you, but if you really like him, then you'll have to accept this. It's what he has to do. It's a matter of trust, no matter what your ex is like, he has to be a good friend and ask.
Author sunnysoldier Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Maybe not. But as I said, out of respect for his friend, he STILL has to ask. He can't sneak and do it, he has to at least let him know he wants to date you. I'm sorry if this displeases you, but if you really like him, then you'll have to accept this. It's what he has to do. It's a matter of trust, no matter what your ex is like, he has to be a good friend and ask. If he does it, I dump him. I have made that very clear to him. I cannot go through the pain again of having proof of how little I mean to my ex. It's just too painful and awful. Why does his respect for his friend trump respect for my feelings? Especially when it will change nothing? When it's already a foregone conclusion? It's like the difference between knowing your ex has moved on, and actually seeing them with the new person. The new guy knows how little my ex cares about me... why does he have to PROVE it?
ThaWholigan Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 If he does it, I dump him. I have made that very clear to him. I cannot go through the pain again of having proof of how little I mean to my ex. It's just too painful and awful. Why does his respect for his friend trump respect for my feelings? Especially when it will change nothing? When it's already a foregone conclusion? It's like the difference between knowing your ex has moved on, and actually seeing them with the new person. The new guy knows how little my ex cares about me... why does he have to PROVE it? Well that's put your new man in a very difficult position. I understand that it may be difficult for you, but such an ultimatum would cause an internal conflict in this person. In his head, he's essentially choosing between you and his friend. What you are essentially asking him to do is go behind the back of his friend and date you. Whether your ex would be happy with it or not is irrelevant, as that is essentially what he would be doing. I'm confused as to what you think is going to happen if he tells your ex he is dating you. What details is he going to give out? It's not about changing anything, it's about common courtesy to his friend (I keep repeating this, but this is crucial, and something you need to understand). If anything, I commend this man. He shows more honor than most people. Bro Codes get broken a lot and friendships turn to vendettas because of guys dating another guys ex. This guy is obviously more understanding of that. Again, this is something that I don't think a lot of women will understand. I feel for you in this situation as you are potentially in the middle. If you are really going to dump him over this, then I think that would be the wrong decision, and a hasty one. Your new guy is only being a good friend, even if your ex has moved on. Try to understand this. 1
InJest Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I'm a guy and don't follow any stupid bro code. I wouldn't date and ex of a close friend that wasn't over it, but if I did choose to date a friend's ex, I would not be consulting them about it. I think you're within your rights to give this ultimatum, particularly if he's going to be asking for a 'blessing' of some sort. It's one thing to inform his friend that he is or will be dating you, but it is quite another to ask for permission.
Author sunnysoldier Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Well that's put your new man in a very difficult position. I understand that it may be difficult for you, but such an ultimatum would cause an internal conflict in this person. In his head, he's essentially choosing between you and his friend. What you are essentially asking him to do is go behind the back of his friend and date you. Whether your ex would be happy with it or not is irrelevant, as that is essentially what he would be doing. I'm confused as to what you think is going to happen if he tells your ex he is dating you. What details is he going to give out? It's not about changing anything, it's about common courtesy to his friend (I keep repeating this, but this is crucial, and something you need to understand). If anything, I commend this man. He shows more honor than most people. Bro Codes get broken a lot and friendships turn to vendettas because of guys dating another guys ex. This guy is obviously more understanding of that. Again, this is something that I don't think a lot of women will understand. I feel for you in this situation as you are potentially in the middle. If you are really going to dump him over this, then I think that would be the wrong decision, and a hasty one. Your new guy is only being a good friend, even if your ex has moved on. Try to understand this. But my new guy isn't being a good friend to ME. Okay, here's what I imagine happening: my new guy tells my ex he's dating me. My ex now knows my business (who I'm seeing/sleeping with.) Ever since the break-up, I have been very, VERY careful about what information gets to him... am I single, am I dating. I don't want him to know anything. I feel that is information for my friends, or people who care about me. To me, it feels like going up to a stranger and telling them that I'm dating this person, and we've been dating for this long. My ex is a virtual stranger, and strangers don't get to have my personal information. (I am not a fan of personal PDA for that reason.) Along with my ex now knowing my business, my ex can do the whole smug "Oo I'm so HAPPY for her, that she found someone." It just gives him an opportunity to be superior. I mean, he was getting laid the weekend after we broke up, while I was crying alone into a bowl of ice cream. Him knowing the details of who I'm dating, he can know just how long it took me to move on. But mostly, I just imagine my new guy coming back and being like "Yep he doesn't care!" I don't need MORE proof of how much my ex doesn't care. It's hard enough for me to deal with currently. I just know it'll crush me.... because this would just be final proof of how little the relationship mattered to my ex, that he really doesn't care about his friend dating me so soon after the break-up. I do not see why it's going behind my ex's back. Is it going behind our other friends' backs?? We haven't made anything official... why can't my ex find out when everyone else does? It means my ex gets treated the same way as all our other friends. Isn't that how it should be, especially when to my ex, it's like we never dated at all? Here's what it comes down to: the new guy telling my ex would have no impact whatsoever. My ex is already fine with it, because he doesn't care. So it's literally just clarifying something we already all know. But the new guy telling my ex WOULD hurt me. Why does the new guy need to hurt me, just to prove what we all already know?
InJest Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Have you asked what your new guy would do if his friend was not okay with it?
Author sunnysoldier Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Have you asked what your new guy would do if his friend was not okay with it? No. Why do you think it matters, when it's 100% guaranteed my ex wouldn't care?
sid3 Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 But my new guy isn't being a good friend to ME. Okay, here's what I imagine happening: my new guy tells my ex he's dating me. My ex now knows my business (who I'm seeing/sleeping with.) Ever since the break-up, I have been very, VERY careful about what information gets to him... am I single, am I dating. I don't want him to know anything. I feel that is information for my friends, or people who care about me. To me, it feels like going up to a stranger and telling them that I'm dating this person, and we've been dating for this long. My ex is a virtual stranger, and strangers don't get to have my personal information. (I am not a fan of personal PDA for that reason.) Along with my ex now knowing my business, my ex can do the whole smug "Oo I'm so HAPPY for her, that she found someone." It just gives him an opportunity to be superior. I mean, he was getting laid the weekend after we broke up, while I was crying alone into a bowl of ice cream. Him knowing the details of who I'm dating, he can know just how long it took me to move on. But mostly, I just imagine my new guy coming back and being like "Yep he doesn't care!" I don't need MORE proof of how much my ex doesn't care. It's hard enough for me to deal with currently. I just know it'll crush me.... because this would just be final proof of how little the relationship mattered to my ex, that he really doesn't care about his friend dating me so soon after the break-up. I do not see why it's going behind my ex's back. Is it going behind our other friends' backs?? We haven't made anything official... why can't my ex find out when everyone else does? It means my ex gets treated the same way as all our other friends. Isn't that how it should be, especially when to my ex, it's like we never dated at all? Here's what it comes down to: the new guy telling my ex would have no impact whatsoever. My ex is already fine with it, because he doesn't care. So it's literally just clarifying something we already all know. But the new guy telling my ex WOULD hurt me. Why does the new guy need to hurt me, just to prove what we all already know? Have you considered that you're not nearly over your ex enough to start dating, one of his friends or anyone else for that matter? You should realise the odds of things working out with the new guy are slim to none for a number of reasons.
mortensorchid Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I would be wary of this if I were you, for these facts: 1) New and Old - They obviously are friends in some way, at least friendly enough to exchange information about who they did or didn't see recently. 2) The Bro Code - This thing is ridiculous, it's a catch phrase that caught on to establish male bonding friendships and not much else. Whatever they talk about is not always having to do with the fact that you and the new guy have at least met, or will it? Maybe it got back to the old through gossip channels other than from the new. 3) Motivation - Have you thought about this? Truly? There was a girl I knew in my college years who appeared on the surface as rather sweet and innocent and down to earth. She once said that the guys do not care about the fact that he was / wasn't with her or vice versa. But she was being used by the football team as one of their groupie girls. Very sad to see how they used and abused and took almost everything from her (money, material things, etc.). Have you considered this fact? You said so yourself that the old is a man whore. COuld the new be a wolf in sheep's clothing? Just some things to consider. I hope it all works in your favor.
Author sunnysoldier Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Have you considered that you're not nearly over your ex enough to start dating, one of his friends or anyone else for that matter? You should realise the odds of things working out with the new guy are slim to none for a number of reasons. Yeah, probably. Honestly, the new guy was just supposed to be a bit of fun. It's partially why this is all really pissing me off... him talking my ex makes it feel like this is a relationship when it's not. The new guy has seen how broken I am-I even told him I really needed to slow things down, and yet he's kind of amped up the pressure with this. It's just all not cool.
InJest Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Hey, I agreed with you in my first post. If he's asking your ex for permission to date you, I think you should dump him too. It doesn't matter what your ex is going say, all that matters is that he cares more about your ex's opinion than his own, which to me is a sign of real weakness moreso than good friendship.
sid3 Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Yeah, probably. Honestly, the new guy was just supposed to be a bit of fun. It's partially why this is all really pissing me off... him talking my ex makes it feel like this is a relationship when it's not. The new guy has seen how broken I am-I even told him I really needed to slow things down, and yet he's kind of amped up the pressure with this. It's just all not cool. Then the new guy is being a douche. Toss him and meet someone else that won't be a constant reminder of your ex. Surely you can do better.
ThaWholigan Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Well OK, well dump him if that's the case, it's your life. Either way, I think he's doing the right thing whether it's serious or not, if I did it to one of my friends I would expect to be dismissed from my social group. This is the risk he faces if he dates you without notification. If you can convince him otherwise, good for you, but be prepared just in case it ends up causing problems. Either way, it doesn't seem like you are completely over your ex anyway, forgive me for saying. Hopefully it all works out.
Author sunnysoldier Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Well OK, well dump him if that's the case, it's your life. Either way, I think he's doing the right thing whether it's serious or not, if I did it to one of my friends I would expect to be dismissed from my social group. This is the risk he faces if he dates you without notification. If you can convince him otherwise, good for you, but be prepared just in case it ends up causing problems. Either way, it doesn't seem like you are completely over your ex anyway, forgive me for saying. Hopefully it all works out. No, I'm not over him, which the new guy is aware of. Like I said, it was just supposed to be some rebound fun. I had it better under control before this whole "I'm gonna involve your ex when he doesn't need to be" fiasco. Oh how ridiculous. Dismissed from an entire social circle because he dated the ex of a man whore, who doesn't care that she's alive?? It all sounds so dramatic and high-school.
fishtaco Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 (edited) Nevermind... I didn't read the whole thread... Edited July 18, 2012 by fishtaco
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