PAWPAW Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 My husband and I are separated at this point. He has verbally abused and taken me for granted. I have lost attraction for him. He has finally agreed to counseling but not sure if he will change. One of his comments Sunday was "Its not going to help anything". My response was...."It wont if you dont let it". Is it possible that Im wasting my time on counseling with him if my respect and attraction is gone for him? And the fact that he could be going into counseling with the "Its not going to help" attitude?
tojaz Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 My husband and I are separated at this point. He has verbally abused and taken me for granted. I have lost attraction for him. He has finally agreed to counseling but not sure if he will change. One of his comments Sunday was "Its not going to help anything". My response was...."It wont if you dont let it". Is it possible that Im wasting my time on counseling with him if my respect and attraction is gone for him? And the fact that he could be going into counseling with the "Its not going to help" attitude? Will be better for you in the long run to answer the question now rather then be asking it for years after the divorce is final. Far too many savable marriages have been lost because the situation was "hopeless" in the heat of the moment. Mine included. At best you and your H may have a second chance, at the very least, you will learn some things too make your next relationship a better one. TOJAZ
Author PAWPAW Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Good advice TOJAZ....and even more what you said, your "footnote signature quote" at the bottom was even better.
jwi71 Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 My husband and I are separated at this point. He has verbally abused and taken me for granted. I have lost attraction for him. He has finally agreed to counseling but not sure if he will change. One of his comments Sunday was "Its not going to help anything". My response was...."It wont if you dont let it". Is it possible that Im wasting my time on counseling with him if my respect and attraction is gone for him? And the fact that he could be going into counseling with the "Its not going to help" attitude? Are you planning on disclosing your A? If so, then it might be helpful. If not, just a waste of time. Pick - your OM or your H. Once chosen, give yourself 100% and fully to words and deeds to create and maintain a healthy R with that person.
Author PAWPAW Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 (edited) jwi71 - The OM isnt in the picture. I dont have to pick. Thats ended. Im just worried about putting forth effort when Im not attracted to him anymore. Edited July 18, 2012 by PAWPAW
jwi71 Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 jwi71 - The OM isnt in the picture. I dont have to pick. Thats ended. Im just worried about putting forth effort when Im not attracted to him anymore. Actually, to me, the OM is a crucial bit of the puzzle and IF you go to MC you need to disclose. It all seems to revolve around the lack of physical contact - namely your H's impotency. As such, the OM is clearly well worth discussing in MC. However, maybe the better Q is: What does Pawpaw need to "reignite" her M?
Author PAWPAW Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 (edited) I need passion. I need to be kissed passionately and sought after as if he truly loves me. Before my affair, I was litterally having to pick his arms up to put them around me....just to have a hug. I would try and kiss him only for him to turn his head and instead have me kiss his cheek and not his lips. That was so disappointing as a wife. The thing is, he has never been passionate, even when things were good. Im not sure its even in him. And Im not sure he can show it now even if he wanted to...because of pride. Im almost afriad that sex with him would feel like, well...almost like Im having sex with a relative or parent. Its almost that offensive for me to think about. Is it too late for us you think? EDIT:--Sex and passion is what Im needing/lacking in this relationship, but get a gag reflex when i think of it with him.... Edited July 18, 2012 by PAWPAW
jwi71 Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 EDIT:--Sex and passion is what Im needing/lacking in this relationship, but get a gag reflex when i think of it with him.... Well, I think that says it all dont you? Just file for D and move on.
bentnotbroken Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 well, i think that says it all dont you? Just file for d and move on. ditto!!!!!!!!!
carhill Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 If it can save 5 or 10 grand in legal fees on a rancorous divorce, hey, worth a try. Saved me around 30K and cost around 5K. That's just the money part. The sanity part - priceless. I'll cosign the 'At best you and your H may have a second chance, at the very least, you will learn some things too make your next relationship a better one' advice. Sure helped me out.
tojaz Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 (edited) Good advice TOJAZ....and even more what you said, your "footnote signature quote" at the bottom was even better. Its been my standard for the last two years for good reason. The lack of passion and intimacy may well be a symptom, not the whole disease. Something a counselor would be able to help you figure out, there are a lot of people here ready to help if you go that route. TOJAZ Edited July 19, 2012 by tojaz
Gunny376 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Its been my standard for the last two years for good reason. The lack of passion and intimacy may well be a symptom, not the whole disease. Something a counselor would be able to help you figure out, there are a lot of people here ready to help if you go that route. TOJAZ I would have said yes up to the point to where I read your posts on other threads where he threatened your life. And he's verbally abusive and has anger management issues. These are his issues ~ that he needs to deal with on his own ~ and as an individual. Were it me I would tell him that I thought that it would be in his own personal self interests to look into couseling for all of his issues. Especially before getting involved with another woman. And then I would wish him a Happy-For-The-Rest-Your-Life-Without Me~ and go on with my Life. Life is just too freaking short to waste your time on someone like this. It really is. And as our good friend Mr. Einstein pointed out many years ago? Time is relative. I'll not delve into a discussion on quantum physics here ~ but suffice to say that as we age? Time goes by much more quickly than it did or does in our youth. Somewhere around the age of forty to fifty (even younger for some) the years become months, the months become weeks, the weeks become days, and the days become hours. Much the oppossite our perception of youth. Anyone in their fifties will tell you that there is a decade or so that they look back and wonder where the years went? As they went flying by in the blink of an eye. Then there's the consideration of these are some of the best years of your life. The years of your Youth, when you still have your physical strenght, your mental, emotional, pychological, and physical health and strength. All of which begin to fade very quickly once we reach a certain age. You don't to waste the precious years on someone that have issues that are beyond your capacity to fix and mend ~ its not your freaking job anyway. As for you ~ yourself ~ well we all need to go and get on the couch at some point in our lives. None of us are going to get through and out of this live ~ alive. And most of us are going to get a little crazy in life ~ (But Hey! It keeps us from going insame! ) Personally I think couseling is over-rated. When what most of us need is a quick kick in the pants. A jolt of reality so to speak. It really is as simple as look back at the "Self-talk" that you've got running around in your deluxe brain housing group ~ and examining where its coming from ~ and all the more important where it came from. Most of it comes from our childhood ~ and most of that from our parents, sibiling, school mates, former friends, acquaintences, bullies we've encountered along the way. Many of us are still lugging around things we've picked up from people whom are no longer (and haven't been for quite sometime) a part of our lives. Its time for you to do a brain dump and to re-train your brain. To gain a new perspective and a new attitude. Its time to recapture your self-respect, your self-dignity, and your self confidence. Its time to become self automonious and self validating in your own right. Its time for you to validate your need for passion, romance, and to be love totally, completely, un-conditionally. I just don't see you getting that from your DH, he's not on that level, he's not evolved (and may never will) to the level that your at. He's just incapable. Simply put ~ He's not ready to receive the message nor the gift. He sounds as though he's got some serious anger issues ~ and when you say that about your atypical man? Your talking about depression ~ and he's totally lacking and incapable of dealing with those emotions and feelings in a positive manner ~ and it would dangerous for you to hang around. You can drag a horse to water ~ but you can't make it drink! Now that you've been married you need to pull back and re-group. You need to give yourself sometime for reflection ~ a good year or two after the ink is dried on the divorce papers. Don't give into your loneliness ~ and its a bear going from having been married ~ even in a bad marriage ~ to being completely single and living alone. I'm not saying for you to become a hermit, nor to become totally involed and absorbed with your children if you have any. Don't make the mistake of trying to live your life for nor through your children. Whatever you do? Stay in touch with your friends ~ even though you will lose touch with some of them ~ especially those that are still married. Go out and make some new friends. Get busy with living your life ~ and getting on with your life. Live your life to its top and to its fullest! Get out each and everyday and rub a little sunshine on your face. Get busy. But be guarded about "re-bounding" too soon and too quickly. Always apply the rule of "If its too good to be true? Then it probally is!" If and when you do find yourself in a new relationship? Give it the long and tested test of time. Love ~ true love will withstand that test each and everytime. (The woman I am engaged to have been knowing each other for over nine years. She told herself almost from the beginning that she was going to marry me ~ its only been the last couple of years that I've "cottoned up to the idea.) You need to look into any anxiety or depression that you have. Depression comes from un-resolved issues, expectations etc of the past, while anxiety comes from the same in regards to the future. Ground yourself in the present and keep yourself there. The past is in the past, you cannot turn back the hands of time. The future is in the future and you can prepare yourself ~ and brace yourself for what it may hold. The past is a canceled check, the future is a promissary note ~ but today? Today is cash money in your hand. You need to clearly define what your looking for in a mate ~ but what is all the more? You need to clearly defined what your not looking for in one as well. Per your most recent experience, I'm sure your starting to form a clear, pretty picture in your head. Set your standars high and don't lower them for anyone ~ but at the same time be realistic. Eradicate silly un-realistic images that you've acquired from tv, movies, Lifetime, Bravo, etc. I would recommed you consider looking into the audio program by Ellen Kreidman "Light Your Fire" (also "Light His Fire" and for men "Light His Fire" and also "Attacking Anxiety and Depression" These will help you clear your head from the fog, and get your mind in the right state of mind. The romance and passion you seek in a man is rare. Romance is very much learned by men ~ few have grasp of what it is a only mimic what they see and heard on tv. I have become a student of it. And it has paid off in aces for me. You should find yourself someone such as I ~ who knows the real deal, who will tailor romance to your individuality ~ and your individual self. And the only way he's going to be able to do that? Is to take the time to really get to know you ~ as an individual, and as a woman ~ and not just as a quick piece of azz, a sperm depository, or a vaginal life support system. A lot of men think romance has to be extravagant, expensive, time consuming etc. And its not that at all. I recently came home and with a dead serious, dead-pan, look told my fiance that I had something that I needed to discuss with her, and that I had been wrestling with for quite sometime and was at a lost to words to tell her! I told her that I was really a Prince of the Prince Charming type, (she thought I was going to tell her something truly horrible and terrifying about myself) and that unless I received twenty passionate kisses every weekend and two each weekday thast I would turn back into a frog! Now every now and again as she walks by? I go "riiiibbbbbitttt! It was only when I got my azz handed to me in my one and only divorce ~ that I became a student of romance. You deserve a guy who's going to make you laugh, who makes you smile. You brings joy, happiness and sunshine into your daily life. Who understands that making love is ninety per cent touching, carressing, holding, outside of the bedroom ~ and doesn't necessarly mean becoming intimate inside of the bedroom. That if a man gives a woman the love she needs? He'll in return get the sex he wants. A guy who really can deliver the goods? We'll go the long haul, and not just some jerk in a bar that knows how to make a rose out of cocktail napkin. You'll know the real deal when you meet him. Good luck, keep on smiling Now go out a rub a little sunshine on your face!
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