Want my ex back. She was my first love and I messed it up. How to play things?

[alxnrwd]

My ex-gf and I were in a relationship for the past 2.5 years. We met at college where we were both really successful - we are both super ambitious, type A personalities, and actually met in a leadership society on campus. We dated for 8 mos before grad which were AWESOME -- we each maintained our own friend groups while spending time with each other. We were deeply in love. It was great. It was everything it should have been.

 

It was each of our first real relationship. We took each others' virginity. We are pretty accomplished people, which is to say, we were huge nerds in high school and early in college, so neither of us had dated very much. We are still pretty relationship-immature in my opinion.

 

She had her dream job lined up after graduation which meant she had to go abroad to work for a nonprofit in Africa. I got a good job in Chicago, but decided I really loved her and wanted to stay with her to see where things would go with us.

 

SO we stayed together. It kinda sucked. Long distance relationships are not fun, especially not when you're 23 and a male in a big city with money to burn. There was another girl around that was trying to get with me the whole year, and repeatedly seeing her and turning her down made me resentful of my girlfriend.

 

Becoming resentful was messed up of me. I take responsibility for that.

 

During this time she said a lot of things she didn't really mean -- like: I'll move wherever you are! I'll be a barista to be with you! Etc.

 

And I said a lot of things I didn't really mean -- like: send me naked photos or I'll break up with you! Etc.

 

Anyway, after many trials and tribulations and lots of complaining -- but some really great moments as well (including me visiting her in Africa and lots of good talks on the phone) she came back to America and moved in with me in Chicago for 4-5 months...

 

but said she wanted to move to New York, because that's where the jobs were that she wanted.

 

That was actually fine news, because I was starting to hate my job too, and have always wanted to live in New York, and New York is closer to my family. So I said: cool, let's move to New York!

 

But I didn't fully consider the financial ramifications or career ramifications of moving. It just wasn't feasible for me to find another lucrative job, that I liked a lot better, at age 23, in a different and very competitive city, while holding my other very demanding job, while living with my girlfriend, while staying happy. But I didn't realize this until it was happening...

 

So. I ended up getting very overcommitted to the relationship to try to justify the move to New York to myself. I ended up smothering my girlfriend. I stopped making myself happy. I stopped seeing friends, stopped working out, stopped cooking and cleaning, stopped being independent. I stopped making myself happy. I became a total mess as I focused on trying to get a job in New York.

 

I offered to quit my job and move -- if she would agree we were "probably" getting married, which wasn't something either of us was ready to commit to. Otherwise, I said I'd probably have to wait until Jan 1 2013 when I got my bonus.

 

Because of all this, our relationship started to turn to complete ****. I stopped cherishing and respecting my girlfriend because I was like, I'm GOING TO MOVE FOR YOU! ISN'T THAT ENOUGH? I basically had her cooking, cleaning, doing my laundry, having sex w me more than she liked, and made her really anxious about anything she did wrong. Because I was such a great guy for staying with her while she was abroad!

 

:/

 

I was an *******.

 

So, as it turns out, simply trying to get to NYC wasn't enough for her. (Of course not.)

 

She got a job in NYC and broke up with me 2 months ago. I was putting too much pressure on her and she became unattracted to me. "I love you but I'm not in love with you," she said.

 

The breakup was bad, things were said neither of us meant. I sent a giant email filled with things I was sorry for. I crossed a couple boundaries and did a couple stupid things. I pushed and pushed to see her. When we finally met in person she said she never wanted to consider being with me again, just to be friends. She said she was open to talking but didn't want me to think that would mean we'd get back together. She said she wasn't sure if we got together for the right reasons in the first place, that she hasn't been sexually attracted to me for a while. I feel like I almost made her say these things just so that I would go away. Looking in her eyes and having been around her, I find it really difficult to believe this stuff. Last time I saw her, when we were fighting and having the 'breakup talk,' she still broke down crying 4-5 times and walked away from me looking back over her shoulder like it was the movies. :/

 

I quit my job since I blamed work for making me so miserable in the first place. But I've spent my savings on taking some classes this summer in Chicago. So now, even though I've since realized that what I want most of all for myself is to move to New York and find work there, I can't say for sure that I'm going to do that -- what if I get a better job offer somewhere else? What if I can't find a job I want in New York?

 

I've ****ed this up. I'm now 24 years old and this being my first real relationship, I realize I've driven someone away that cared about me more than anyone else in my life might. Someone who is a very special person, with whom I share friends and values and goals and ambitions. I'm so incredibly regretful and have learned so much from this breakup. This girl is really everything I wanted in a relationship, even if I didn't realize it at the time -- I know this sounds trite, but I felt that way for a couple months before the breakup too. I want to get my girlfriend back and show her I'm not this monster I've become, that I'm a mature, confident, non-needy, secure person who loves her and has always just wanted to treat her right. I know that my heart's always been in the right place in this even if my actions haven't shown it.

 

So. The other day it was my birthday and she sent me a friendly email, our first communication since the breakup. Short version: "Happy birthday! Hope you're having a blast this weekend! [Name of college where I'm taking class] is lucky to have you! Only big news on my end is that I finally found an apt in Brooklyn. Anyway - just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you! Hope you're doing well - you deserve it!"

 

I can't decide what this means. I have no read on how she feels at this point.

 

I want her back more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. But I have no idea how or if I should respond to this email.

 

Right now I'm committed to being in Chicago at least until September. At that point I will probably move home to upstate New York and start looking for jobs in New York City.

 

I'd really like if she and I could rekindle things from long distance and I could maybe think about staying with her in NYC while I look for work. But that might be impossible.

 

I wrote a love letter with regrets and feelings that I haven't sent but would like to -- but I can't decide if that will be too overwhelming given the lighthearted tone of her email.

 

Part of me wants to just blow her off -- she broke my heart, and that should have been OUR apartment in Brooklyn!

 

But do I really need to respond politely, maybe ask a question about Brooklyn, start talking as friends again, be positive and confident and happy and see where things go?

 

Any advice you guys have is much appreciated. As you can tell I'm a very passionate person and I'm really devastated about this. :/

[Fortune Cookie]

You sound fairly well educated and a moral person. If you truly believe (after carefully examining your behavior) that you've changed in ways that make it harder for you to behave as you did, then my own suggestion would be to reply back to her. I'd use a "glad to hear from you, missing you, maybe we can hang out again some time" kind of tone. Should she respond, clue her in on your plans to move out that direction, and that maybe when you're around you guys can spend some time together -after all, she is a cool person, right? So, just don't be forceful or super-needy about it; that could set a bad tone by reminding both you and her about all the crap that went down earlier. You don't need reminders of that if you want to get off on the right foot. consider it baggage. Don't go out of your way to just tell her you've changed (sure, mention it sometime and how you understand what you did, and why it was wrong) but show you've changed through your actions. That doesn't mean be a suck-up though, that means be yourself. I'd be rooting for you. Best of luck.

 

A little side note: DON'T GO RUSHING OFF. Fully prepare correctly, as you planned to, to move over there. You don't need to end up in bad living conditions there and be needy. That's the last thing you or her needs. x.x Oh: and don't send that letter - apologize personally, it'll show honesty and encourage you to keep it shorter. Another note! Don't be upset she moved on some more with her life. You did too. Don't let there be any negative emotions about that -keep your mind off of that silliness.

[alxnrwd]

You sound fairly well educated and a moral person. If you truly believe (after carefully examining your behavior) that you've changed in ways that make it harder for you to behave as you did, then my own suggestion would be to reply back to her. I'd use a "glad to hear from you, missing you, maybe we can hang out again some time" kind of tone. Should she respond, clue her in on your plans to move out that direction, and that maybe when you're around you guys can spend some time together -after all, she is a cool person, right? So, just don't be forceful or super-needy about it; that could set a bad tone by reminding both you and her about all the crap that went down earlier. You don't need reminders of that if you want to get off on the right foot. consider it baggage. Don't go out of your way to just tell her you've changed (sure, mention it sometime and how you understand what you did, and why it was wrong) but show you've changed through your actions. That doesn't mean be a suck-up though, that means be yourself. I'd be rooting for you. Best of luck.

 

A little side note: DON'T GO RUSHING OFF. Fully prepare correctly, as you planned to, to move over there. You don't need to end up in bad living conditions there and be needy. That's the last thing you or her needs. x.x Oh: and don't send that letter - apologize personally, it'll show honesty and encourage you to keep it shorter. Another note! Don't be upset she moved on some more with her life. You did too. Don't let there be any negative emotions about that -keep your mind off of that silliness.

Thanks Fortune Cookie! This means a lot. I just really would like to reconcile before I move out there, to just skip back to the way things were at their best -- but that's very far from possible, I suppose. :/