dating the strong silent type

[confusedgirlhere]

Because I've seen this pattern so much, I have a couple theories about it. One, is that he is naturally not very expressive with emotion including tone, so sometimes he has to work harder to show me how he is really feeling inside.

 

Another theory is that this is fear of intimacy. I think the distant moods tend to come after a really good, really bonding day. So it's like he doesn't want to get too close, maybe.

 

Or when we have a good day, I seem satisfied, so he thinks he's done showing me how he feels.

 

Or when we have a good day, it strengthens the bond for him, and that makes him uncomfortable so he is just a little closed off, a little distant, a little cool the next time.

 

I think I'm going to start calling him on it in the moment, asking if he has something he wants to talk about. If I need to leave. I don't like being around people who don't seem glad to see me. I think sometimes he is glad but just isn't showing it for whatever reason.

[miss_jaclynrae]

How often do you sleep together?

[confusedgirlhere]

How often do you sleep together?

 

Depends on how much time we spend together. I've noticed that is also an area he likes to have some control over. Like, if I initiate he may not want to, but if I act like I don't care either way he's more likely to initiate. Right now once a week but that's not a good gauge because we are limited by other factors.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Depends on how much time we spend together. I've noticed that is also an area he likes to have some control over. Like, if I initiate he may not want to, but if I act like I don't care either way he's more likely to initiate. Right now once a week but that's not a good gauge because we are limited by other factors.

 

 

Ugh. I would get out. He just sounds like he is putting up with you...

[Kofybean]

Because I've seen this pattern so much, I have a couple theories about it. One, is that he is naturally not very expressive with emotion including tone, so sometimes he has to work harder to show me how he is really feeling inside.

 

Another theory is that this is fear of intimacy. I think the distant moods tend to come after a really good, really bonding day. So it's like he doesn't want to get too close, maybe.

 

Or when we have a good day, I seem satisfied, so he thinks he's done showing me how he feels.

 

Or when we have a good day, it strengthens the bond for him, and that makes him uncomfortable so he is just a little closed off, a little distant, a little cool the next time.

 

I think I'm going to start calling him on it in the moment, asking if he has something he wants to talk about. If I need to leave. I don't like being around people who don't seem glad to see me. I think sometimes he is glad but just isn't showing it for whatever reason.

 

Call him on it if you wish but keep an open mind that there are two people in the relationship. It is rare you find someone admitting to their own faults or contributions to

the problems in a relationship. I attempted to bring that out in a seperate thread. I dont really see a balance in female debates on their behavior.

 

But beware of calling people out because you may not be so innocent to his needs either and that will anger him. If he is silent and frustrated at you and dealing with you, it will be a slap in his face for you to call him out on something he isis doing while not noticing your own behavior.

[Kofybean]

Depends on how much time we spend together. I've noticed that is also an area he likes to have some control over. Like, if I initiate he may not want to, but if I act like I don't care either way he's more likely to initiate. Right now once a week but that's not a good gauge because we are limited by other factors.

 

Let me also be a little more specific on my last comment. I had a gf that, when we would go to sleep, would move me into awkward positions so she could lay on me. Of course this would prevent me from sleeping and i work very early. So she would be sleep, and i would be wide eyed awake. Eventually i will go to my side and fall asleep. Also if we fell asleep in the living room i would hqve to get up and go into the bedroom to turn off the alarm clock. She never noticed the alarm clock but only noticed that i was gone.

 

She decided to call me out for being unaffectionate with her because of that. Because i would leave her alone in bed or i would move to my side of the bed, never took into account the other factors... just her needs.

 

It didnt go well for her, I dont care how many tears you cry. If a guy feels you take him for granted you could get dumpped. Just keep an open mind.

[confusedgirlhere]

Call him on it if you wish but keep an open mind that there are two people in the relationship. It is rare you find someone admitting to their own faults or contributions to

the problems in a relationship. I attempted to bring that out in a seperate thread. I dont really see a balance in female debates on their behavior.

 

But beware of calling people out because you may not be so innocent to his needs either and that will anger him. If he is silent and frustrated at you and dealing with you, it will be a slap in his face for you to call him out on something he isis doing while not noticing your own behavior.

 

Well, that's the thing. I don't want to be doing anything frustrating, but I'm not a mindreader. If he's irritated I need him to tell me. If he feels taken for granted I need him to be more vocal about what he wants. Much of this seems like it's a side effect of his passivity. Sometimes I feel like he just wants me to order him around. I may not be directive enough for him!

[confusedgirlhere]

If a guy feels you take him for granted you could get dumpped. Just keep an open mind.

That is good advice!

[confusedgirlhere]

Ugh. I would get out. He just sounds like he is putting up with you...

Not so sure. He doesn't have a very high libido. When we do have sex he does things he knows I like, and other things he does show me he wants to make me happy. I just want him happy too and he's quiet about what it takes for that to happen.

[Dafa]

 

In short, he proves with his body language and tone that he is glad to see me. The little favors mix into this also. But he is likely to do acts of service with friends too. I like signs of care that are not also given to friends.

 

 

I would strongly advise you to be very careful with this line of thought, especially if you ever confront him with it. Friendships are very different than relationships... And if he is a protective person, i doubt any good will come out of it, either it's you confronting him with this feeling you have or even you using his relationship with his friends to gauge your own.

[confusedgirlhere]

I would strongly advise you to be very careful with this line of thought, especially if you ever confront him with it. Friendships are very different than relationships... And if he is a protective person, i doubt any good will come out of it, either it's you confronting him with this feeling you have or even you using his relationship with his friends to gauge your own.

Thank you. I don't plan on ever talking about that with him. I just feel like a friend only sometimes, and it's hard to deal with. I agree friendships are different.

[Dafa]

Depends on how much time we spend together. I've noticed that is also an area he likes to have some control over. Like, if I initiate he may not want to, but if I act like I don't care either way he's more likely to initiate. Right now once a week but that's not a good gauge because we are limited by other factors.

 

This is an indication of him being a somewhat controlling person. Speaking for myself and for other people i know who are perceived to be silent and distant, we tend to be quite controlling in some things. The reason for this - speaking for myself - is that, despite what most people think, introverted people tend to know very well what they want, or at least know very well what they do not want. It's somewhat paradoxal, yes.

 

If i may ask, what kind of activities do you do the two of you, like outdoors or going to bars? Are you the one who initiates these activities, like going to the theater or movies? Or does he just want to stay at home with you watching TV? And i'm asking about things you go alone. I'm not talking about stuff like: "Hey, tomorrow is my friends birthday", because this will be a duty, either pleasurable or not.

[confusedgirlhere]

This is an indication of him being a somewhat controlling person. Speaking for myself and for other people i know who are perceived to be silent and distant, we tend to be quite controlling in some things. The reason for this - speaking for myself - is that, despite what most people think, introverted people tend to know very well what they want, or at least know very well what they do not want. It's somewhat paradoxal, yes.

No, I understand that. It's just sometimes with the sex, it's like he wants whatever he thinks I don't want. Or he uses it as a way to reel me back in. It's part of this push-pull behavior.

If i may ask, what kind of activities do you do the two of you, like outdoors or going to bars? Are you the one who initiates these activities, like going to the theater or movies? Or does he just want to stay at home with you watching TV? And i'm asking about things you go alone. I'm not talking about stuff like: "Hey, tomorrow is my friends birthday", because this will be a duty, either pleasurable or not.

It really depends. Sometimes we stay in, other times we go out. He's definitely an introvert if that's why you're asking. Sometimes I think it would take a week for him to ask to see me if I left him alone. He does seem on board with most things I suggest, though. But not all things, so I don't think he just goes along with me necessarily.

[Dafa]

No, I understand that. It's just sometimes with the sex, it's like he wants whatever he thinks I don't want. Or he uses it as a way to reel me back in. It's part of this push-pull behavior.

 

It really depends. Sometimes we stay in, other times we go out. He's definitely an introvert if that's why you're asking. Sometimes I think it would take a week for him to ask to see me if I left him alone. He does seem on board with most things I suggest, though. But not all things, so I don't think he just goes along with me necessarily.

 

One can be an introvert and still take pleasure of social events. The point you should figure out, in my opinion, is how he feels when he is with you. Does he feel good? Even if he doesn't show it, he can feel very good and simply keep it to himself. I completely understand that this must be very ungrateful for you because you can only judge him by his actions and you will never be able to truly know his intentions/thoughts.

Also, you were saying that he is very affectionate, although rarely. Are these moments of affection always in reaction of a "complaint" from you? In other words, are any of these moments proactive?

 

And as for activitis, does he propose things himself, though? Like: "Hey, let's go see that exhibit". Or does he just say "fine" to whatever you propose, if only because he has no better choice? There two kinds of activities a couple can do together: 1) an activity like going to a bar or having lunch where the main point is to just spend time with that person, and the place where you do it is not the point; 2) an activity like biking or travelling, where the point is to have an experience but knowing that sharing it with your SO will greatly increase the pleasure you derive from this experience. These are the truly bonding moments in a couples life, in my opinion.

[confusedgirlhere]

One can be an introvert and still take pleasure of social events. The point you should figure out, in my opinion, is how he feels when he is with you. Does he feel good? Even if he doesn't show it, he can feel very good and simply keep it to himself. I completely understand that this must be very ungrateful for you because you can only judge him by his actions and you will never be able to truly know his intentions/thoughts.

Hard to tell sometimes. Seems like he does most of the time.

Also, you were saying that he is very affectionate, although rarely. Are these moments of affection always in reaction of a "complaint" from you? In other words, are any of these moments proactive?

Yes, some of them. Like the last time I stayed over, he decided on his own to sleep so that some part of him was touching some part of me, the whole night. In the past we've stayed on our sides more.

And as for activitis, does he propose things himself, though? Like: "Hey, let's go see that exhibit". Or does he just say "fine" to whatever you propose, if only because he has no better choice? There two kinds of activities a couple can do together: 1) an activity like going to a bar or having lunch where the main point is to just spend time with that person, and the place where you do it is not the point; 2) an activity like biking or travelling, where the point is to have an experience but knowing that sharing it with your SO will greatly increase the pleasure you derive from this experience. These are the truly bonding moments in a couples life, in my opinion.

Sometimes he gets in a mood where he brings up things we can do. Much of the time he's just agreeing to my ideas, but he talks about enjoying those things. I'm with you in preferring activities to bond over. I guess we have a mix of the two.

[newmoon]

my bf of over 1 year is one of these men - strong, silent, never a kind/loving word, and emotionally cold. i know he cares because he does a ton of stuff for me, but in a relationship you need both words and actions, imo. women just need the words and the emotional support and we struggle when we don't get it, question the relationship, start to look for signs where there are none, etc. i struggle with him a lot - i get no emotional words (like love, like, care, etc.) so that hurts, but my solution is to not give what i don't get. i believe in real equity within the relationship and when one partner holds back i tend to do the same. i would suggest that being with a guy like this is ok so long as he's not 'the one' and is just someone you;re casually dating. someone i expected to be with forever or very long-term ... it wouldn't work and usually doesn't. women who hang on to unemtional men are unfulfilled imo. and, i consider myself pretty unemotional too, but even an unemotional woman is more emotional than a man, you know

[confusedgirlhere]

my bf of over 1 year is one of these men - strong, silent, never a kind/loving word, and emotionally cold. i know he cares because he does a ton of stuff for me, but in a relationship you need both words and actions, imo. women just need the words and the emotional support and we struggle when we don't get it, question the relationship, start to look for signs where there are none, etc.

Yep, pretty much. The bad thing is this sort of man also seems to view relationship talk as a sign that the relationship is broken, or he has failed in his role, or whatever. For me, the relationship talk meets a need, and NOT getting it makes the relationship feel broken.

 

i struggle with him a lot - i get no emotional words (like love, like, care, etc.) so that hurts, but my solution is to not give what i don't get. i believe in real equity within the relationship and when one partner holds back i tend to do the same. i would suggest that being with a guy like this is ok so long as he's not 'the one' and is just someone you;re casually dating. someone i expected to be with forever or very long-term ... it wouldn't work and usually doesn't. women who hang on to unemtional men are unfulfilled imo. and, i consider myself pretty unemotional too, but even an unemotional woman is more emotional than a man, you know

Meh. That's not the answer I want to hear. He's so good to me in other ways. This stuff just really gets to me sometimes. I consider myself emotional in some ways but I'm not mushy. Compared to him I feel like the world's biggest sap, though.

[Dafa]

Hard to tell sometimes. Seems like he does most of the time.

 

This is good, yes? I wonder if you aren't putting too much importance in him vocalizing things...

 

Yes, some of them. Like the last time I stayed over, he decided on his own to sleep so that some part of him was touching some part of me, the whole night. In the past we've stayed on our sides more.

 

This is also a good sign, right? Even more so if he is not one of those touchy people. Some people are just naturally distant in terms of physical contact. I see this when i compare myself with friends of mine. Even a hug or a touch in the shoulder between friends (male and female) is still not natural for me, i get tense. I do find it "pleasing" because it is a bonding moment between two people.

If he looks for contact proactively, i would bet that that is his way to do two things: 1) quench his need for affection; 2) "Show" you he likes you.

 

Sometimes he gets in a mood where he brings up things we can do. Much of the time he's just agreeing to my ideas, but he talks about enjoying those things. I'm with you in preferring activities to bond over. I guess we have a mix of the two.

 

If he talks about how he enjoyed them, that is also very good.

 

As i said earlier, i get the feeling you are putting too much emphasis and importance on him vocalizing things. Is that really what matters? Or is his true happiness in being with you that matters? Isn't an action worth a thousand words? Or something like that...

Having said this, i completely understand your mixed feelings and apprehension. You find yourself having to play "mind-games" with someone that you probably shouldn't have to and that is probably very uncomfortable.

 

Finally, i have a theory regarding people that are emotionally distant. These people have emotions like everyone else but instead of explaining and vocalizing them directly, they use subtle and very symbolic ways to express it. I personally do that and i found when talking to other people who either share this trait or that live with someone like this (female friends), that this is the case. One can even be very affectionate towards someone or even a pet and for them it is more than enough to just know that the object of their affection is on the other side of the room. The person does not need to be in contact with the object to fully derive pleasure/affection from the object's presence.

Also, it is very likely that he knows you have this issue.

[confusedgirlhere]

This is good, yes? I wonder if you aren't putting too much importance in him vocalizing things...

Probably. I just don't always catch signs, or he doesn't show them very much. Not to mention when we are not together, he doesn't seem very interested in talking to me. I'm not very good at catching subtleties, so there's a chance he does things I don't see. But then he may base his impression of me on miscommunication, if I don't see those things. Like maybe to him he tries really hard, but if I don't catch everything he's doing then I don't see it that way.

This is also a good sign, right? Even more so if he is not one of those touchy people. Some people are just naturally distant in terms of physical contact. I see this when i compare myself with friends of mine. Even a hug or a touch in the shoulder between friends (male and female) is still not natural for me, i get tense. I do find it "pleasing" because it is a bonding moment between two people.

If he looks for contact proactively, i would bet that that is his way to do two things: 1) quench his need for affection; 2) "Show" you he likes you.

Yeah, a good sign. Still difficult to deal with seeing him tense up or look blank, even if he finds it "pleasing." If it doesn't look like he is pleased he doesn't seem pleased!

If he talks about how he enjoyed them, that is also very good.

 

As i said earlier, i get the feeling you are putting too much emphasis and importance on him vocalizing things. Is that really what matters? Or is his true happiness in being with you that matters? Isn't an action worth a thousand words? Or something like that...

Well yes, I want him to be happy, and I like when I can see that he's happy to be with me. But if I can't see it, I start to doubt things. It makes me feel insecure not to see those things. Ultimately it is definitely his happiness that matters. But I am worried that I need more attention or feedback than he can really give.

Having said this, i completely understand your mixed feelings and apprehension. You find yourself having to play "mind-games" with someone that you probably shouldn't have to and that is probably very uncomfortable.

Yes. Different languages and I think things get lost in translation a lot. What's worse is I don't think he would handle it well if I tried to discuss that with him.

Finally, i have a theory regarding people that are emotionally distant. These people have emotions like everyone else but instead of explaining and vocalizing them directly, they use subtle and very symbolic ways to express it. I personally do that and i found when talking to other people who either share this trait or that live with someone like this (female friends), that this is the case. One can even be very affectionate towards someone or even a pet and for them it is more than enough to just know that the object of their affection is on the other side of the room. The person does not need to be in contact with the object to fully derive pleasure/affection from the object's presence.

Also, it is very likely that he knows you have this issue.

I agree that they use these gestures. I use them too, to an extent. Like I may clean up for someone, as a way of showing I care for them. I'm more likely to show I care than say it. But I also need touch, and need to know that my partner misses me if I'm not there. I need to see them at least quietly content to be around me.

 

I can't even say, how painful it is, to be with someone you think wants to see you, and last time they also acted like they wanted to see you, but this time they are brooding and blank and look like they could care less - or like they are trying to put a wall up.

 

I'm worried that our difference on this is putting too big a strain on the relationship.

 

Yes he knows, because we have talked about it a little.

[KansasChica]

I'm curious about his relationships before you? How did they end? Communication is a learned skill. My ex was definitely more aloof, but once he was comfortable around me, he opened up some. Even then, though, he never communicated how he was feeling OR just lied to himself/me and told me what I wanted to hear. Very passive. Then he just built up resentment and ended up dumping me pretty suddenly after about 10 months together. In retrospect, my ex was a total conflict avoidant and hated to get emotionally intimate. The only time I ever really saw emotion from him was if was extremely drunk and then he would get sad and emotional. I should have taken that as a red flag.

 

I have to add that I was my ex's first serious girlfriend. He is definitely a late bloomer and I think it comes from the walls he puts up. Things were starting to get serious and he had to get out.

[confusedgirlhere]

I'm curious about his relationships before you? How did they end? Communication is a learned skill. My ex was definitely more aloof, but once he was comfortable around me, he opened up some. Even then, though, he never communicated how he was feeling OR just lied to himself/me and told me what I wanted to hear. Very passive. Then he just built up resentment and ended up dumping me pretty suddenly after about 10 months together. In retrospect, my ex was a total conflict avoidant and hated to get emotionally intimate. The only time I ever really saw emotion from him was if was extremely drunk and then he would get sad and emotional. I should have taken that as a red flag.

 

I have to add that I was my ex's first serious girlfriend. He is definitely a late bloomer and I think it comes from the walls he puts up. Things were starting to get serious and he had to get out.

He has dated before. Last relationship went two years, ended one day amicably after she asked where it was going. He has not revealed much about it. They are still friends.

We have not dated very long but this dynamic looks more and more like a dealbreaker to me. He is also conflict avoidant and passive. But that means I tend to see him try to meet my needs better if he is worried about making me mad.

[Lonely Ronin]

OP,

 

I've been called the strong silent type on several occasions so I think I can give you some insights.

 

1. most of us grew up in families, where both parents where strong individuals.

2. we grew up in families where a lot of stuff was communicated non verbally.

3. we grew up in families where everything was assumed to be fine, unless it was obvious it wasn't or someone needed to talk about it.

 

As someone else said (the alarm clock thing), we do allot of stuff assuming you have taken notice of it. We also have a tendency to not take it so well if we feel we are being accused of not being loving.

 

 

It sounds like your a very verbal communicator, and I can say with some confidence you are always going to find it a little difficult dealing with a non verbal strong silent type.

[confusedgirlhere]

OP,

 

I've been called the strong silent type on several occasions so I think I can give you some insights.

 

1. most of us grew up in families, where both parents where strong individuals.

2. we grew up in families where a lot of stuff was communicated non verbally.

3. we grew up in families where everything was assumed to be fine, unless it was obvious it wasn't or someone needed to talk about it.

 

As someone else said (the alarm clock thing), we do allot of stuff assuming you have taken notice of it. We also have a tendency to not take it so well if we feel we are being accused of not being loving.

 

 

It sounds like your a very verbal communicator, and I can say with some confidence you are always going to find it a little difficult dealing with a non verbal strong silent type.

Thank you for sharing some insight for me. His situation is similar in some ways, different in others.

 

I am not good at catching stuff, so that could be an issue. I will continue to remind him that I don't do subtle stuff very well. I do my best to be specific - so it isn't "You aren't being loving." It's more like "I need more cuddles today." I realize everyone has their own way of expressing love, and it's my job to ask for the kind I need.

 

Anyway, someone asked if I was putting too much importance on things being verbalized. I think I definitely was.