dating the strong silent type

[confusedgirlhere]

I want to hear from women in relationships with this sort of man, and if there are men on here who are the strong silent types I want to hear from you also.

 

Women, is it workable? Every once in a while, my guy will put in some extra effort (or maybe he just missed me or something) and I will see the sort of things that make me feel appreciated. Sometimes I feel like I only see that stuff if he thinks I might be mad. Other times, he is kind of closed off around me, and it's hard not to take that personally. I can feel pretty needy on those days actually.

 

I'm trying to figure out if I can deal with this sort of thing over the long term. He's great in other ways, so I am trying to be logical about whether this would be a dealbreaker. Hearing from other women whose men don't demonstrate lots of emotion would be useful.

[InJest]

I have an idea. Get a life. Find something to occupy yourself. If you're not happy with yourself and you need more from a partner, don't wait for him to change, just dump him.

[Teal]

Mine is... small and silent. Close enough.

 

I think it depends on the female in this situation. Some women can read between the lines and intuit their partner's emotions and affections from things that, on the surface, aren't particularly demonstrative. Others need to have it explicitly spoken or shown to them.

 

If you're the latter, one important thing is understanding that you're with a man who isn't naturally expressive of his emotions and can only do so much about that. As someone who's not very expressive and has been in relationships where it was a problem, I empathize so I'm highlighting this point. Coming up with a plan to meet halfway (someone could go into more detail on tactics?) is a good starting point, but if the idea of living your life with someone who isn't going to be able to become your ideal in terms of affection really puts you off, you should give leaving some thought.

[skyisfalling]

is there such a thing as a strong silent type? Or are they just not interested...?

[It's Just Me]

I dated the archetypical "strong, silent type" for a year. He was a police officer, and despised any sort of conflict/arguments/backtalk at home. You could NOT communicate with him freely and when any discussions arose, he would slip into what I called "lawyer mode."

 

Me: When I see you talk down to my mother, it really bothers me.

Him: I don't recall doing that.

Me: Well, you may not recall it, but it's what she felt.

Him: Well, if I apologize, that means that I am committing to never doing it again. I can't commit to that.

Me: How about you acknowledge that you may have hurt her feelings?

Him: Then that would mean I'd have done something intentionally wrong, and I don't think that's the case.

Me: Never mind.

 

We lasted less than a year. I cannot abide robots.

[Ross MwcFan]

I'm the silent type I guess, but most women have said that I'm boring.

 

In the right situation with the right woman I am quite talkative though.

[january2011]

My LTR ex was the silent type. He was both a thinker and a doer but not much of a talker. After the first couple of years, we settled into a flow and rarely argued. We also didn't really communicate. There were a lot of assumptions, sweeping things under the carpet in the hope that they would somehow magically work themselves out, and relying on each other being mindreaders. A lot of avoidant behaviour from him. We pretended that everything was okay when it really wasn't. And towards, the end, the cracks showed.

 

In such a relationship, I think that it is easy to take one another for granted. In an LTR, that is a slippery slope to break-up. In my opinion, LTRs work well when there are regular and mutually agreed check-ins - a state of the union for the relationship, if you will. With a non-communicative partner, this is very difficult and virtually impossible.

 

With the break-up, I learned that I needed more open and honest communication from an SO. I needed to be able to ask questions. And he needed to be able to tell me what he is thinking and feeling so that I don't have to resort to mindreading. I have a psychology degree, am fairly observant and analytical, but it is too much to ask that I best-guess my partner based on potentially old, invalid and irrelevant information.

[confusedgirlhere]

My LTR ex was the silent type. He was both a thinker and a doer but not much of a talker. After the first couple of years, we settled into a flow and rarely argued. We also didn't really communicate. There were a lot of assumptions, sweeping things under the carpet in the hope that they would somehow magically work themselves out, and relying on each other being mindreaders. A lot of avoidant behaviour from him. We pretended that everything was okay when it really wasn't. And towards, the end, the cracks showed.

 

In such a relationship, I think that it is easy to take one another for granted. In an LTR, that is a slippery slope to break-up. In my opinion, LTRs work well when there are regular and mutually agreed check-ins - a state of the union for the relationship, if you will. With a non-communicative partner, this is very difficult and virtually impossible.

 

With the break-up, I learned that I needed more open and honest communication from an SO. I needed to be able to ask questions. And he needed to be able to tell me what he is thinking and feeling so that I don't have to resort to mindreading. I have a psychology degree, am fairly observant and analytical, but it is too much to ask that I best-guess my partner based on potentially old, invalid and irrelevant information.

 

Did he show up emotionally better if he thought you were upset with him? I am worried that I am like you, with a strong need for healthy communication which involves openness.

[confusedgirlhere]

is there such a thing as a strong silent type? Or are they just not interested...?

 

Good question. I think he just may be less social than me and a little quick to take me for granted. He does nice stuff for me. There are times when I see lots of effort. Mixed with times he seems kind of blah. The blah comes after the effort times, which feels a little gamey.

 

It is almost like he doesn't want me to see his full potential. But he hasn't done anything bad per se. I just feel neglected or passive aggressive'd fairly often and can't tell how much is my issue.

[confusedgirlhere]

I have an idea. Get a life. Find something to occupy yourself. If you're not happy with yourself and you need more from a partner, don't wait for him to change, just dump him.

 

I have a life. That I enjoy sharing with a good person. But if this stuff continues I need to figure out if I can deal with it.

[january2011]

Did he show up emotionally better if he thought you were upset with him? I am worried that I am like you, with a strong need for healthy communication which involves openness.

 

No, he made jokes when I tried to have a serious talk about our relationship.

 

My guess is that a guy who is the silent type tends to associate communication with conflict and he avoids it. He perceives any relationship talks as a forum for his partner to list what he (the guy) is doing wrong. Otherwise, if everything were great, there would be no need to talk about the relationship, right? Upon hearing the "complaints," he may just put his head down and work harder to "fix" whatever is the issue. In the hopes that she is happy once the issue has been fixed.

 

Over time, the guy becomes very passive. And it creates conflict because the relationship talks continue. So no matter what he does, he keeps being "in the wrong" and she is never happy. Therefore he gives up on trying to make her happy. In my experience, the relationship doesn't last long after that.

 

I don't know if you recognise any of this, but it was a pattern that developed in my last relationship.

[confusedgirlhere]

No, he made jokes when I tried to have a serious talk about our relationship.

I'm not necessarily talking about talking. More like, if indirect actions on my part make him think the relationship is threatened, he will make a big effort. But if I'm not indirectly showing my discontent, he's kind of closed off. It bugs me.

My guess is that a guy who is the silent type tends to associate communication with conflict and he avoids it. He perceives any relationship talks as a forum for his partner to list what he (the guy) is doing wrong.

That makes sense. Some guys think you only talk about something if it's broken. For me, the talk keeps it from feeling broken.

Otherwise, if everything were great, there would be no need to talk about the relationship, right? Upon hearing the "complaints," he may just put his head down and work harder to "fix" whatever is the issue. In the hopes that she is happy once the issue has been fixed.

Yeah, my issue is that the fixes don't last. He does make an effort - he must care if he bothers to try at all. But the fix only stays until I seem satisfied, then he goes back to this closed off stuff.

Over time, the guy becomes very passive. And it creates conflict because the relationship talks continue. So no matter what he does, he keeps being "in the wrong" and she is never happy. Therefore he gives up on trying to make her happy. In my experience, the relationship doesn't last long after that.

 

I don't know if you recognise any of this, but it was a pattern that developed in my last relationship.

Yeah, I can see how that could happen. I wonder how you're supposed to address problems in a relationship with such a person. If they don't want to talk about it, what, try positive reinforcement? But what if they also might have a touch of ambivalence? If they do, then even if you seem happy, they will only like so much of that before they make a little emotional distance. That's what I am seeing, or think I'm seeing. A little push-pull, nothing too major, still does the right things, but sometimes checks out and I feel a bit like it is to manage how intimate he wants to get. But when he pulls away I feel so rejected.

[confusedgirlhere]

Mine is... small and silent. Close enough.

 

I think it depends on the female in this situation. Some women can read between the lines and intuit their partner's emotions and affections from things that, on the surface, aren't particularly demonstrative. Others need to have it explicitly spoken or shown to them.

 

If you're the latter, one important thing is understanding that you're with a man who isn't naturally expressive of his emotions and can only do so much about that.

I understand this.

As someone who's not very expressive and has been in relationships where it was a problem, I empathize so I'm highlighting this point. Coming up with a plan to meet halfway (someone could go into more detail on tactics?) is a good starting point, but if the idea of living your life with someone who isn't going to be able to become your ideal in terms of affection really puts you off, you should give leaving some thought.

Yeah, I don't really want to make him into a new person. I like the little things he does that show he cares too. I just don't think I'm being unreasonable in wanting maybe one sign that he's glad to see me each time we hang out. Nothing fancy needed. But when I am more demonstrative, and when I am often the one who initiates our plans... it starts to feel like I'm the only one making an effort. He's really great, though. I don't want to feel so unsatisfied.

[january2011]

I'm not necessarily talking about talking. More like, if indirect actions on my part make him think the relationship is threatened, he will make a big effort. But if I'm not indirectly showing my discontent, he's kind of closed off. It bugs me.

That makes sense. Some guys think you only talk about something if it's broken. For me, the talk keeps it from feeling broken. Yeah, my issue is that the fixes don't last. He does make an effort - he must care if he bothers to try at all. But the fix only stays until I seem satisfied, then he goes back to this closed off stuff.

 

Yeah, I can see how that could happen. I wonder how you're supposed to address problems in a relationship with such a person. If they don't want to talk about it, what, try positive reinforcement? But what if they also might have a touch of ambivalence? If they do, then even if you seem happy, they will only like so much of that before they make a little emotional distance. That's what I am seeing, or think I'm seeing. A little push-pull, nothing too major, still does the right things, but sometimes checks out and I feel a bit like it is to manage how intimate he wants to get. But when he pulls away I feel so rejected.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by "indirect actions." My guess is that if he's astute enough, he may notice. If he isn't, then he may end up becoming like a bull-in-a-china-shop.

 

I didn't get to work it out with my ex. My current guy was similar to my ex but he matured and realised the value of communication. I've found that people tend not to change in some areas until a major life-change comes along and makes them change. Why fix it if it ain't broke? A break-up of an LTR would be such a change.

 

If he loves you and is in love with you, he will most likely continue to try to make you happy. However, if the changes that you are asking of him are not sustainable, it suggests that either you need to make more concessions yourself to meet him halfway or otherwise accept that there will be some parts of him that you cannot effect lasting "improvements" to. And you must consider plan B where you mitigate them rather than trying to make him do a complete 180.

[confusedgirlhere]

What do you mean mitigate a plan b?

 

If you don't mind sharing what caused your current SO to see the value of communication?

[january2011]

I mean, preferably, come to a mutual agreement about how to mitigate the differences so they do not cause too much friction in the relationship. If he is not able to meet you halfway in this, then you need to find a way to make the differences less unbearable for yourself.

 

The break-up of his last relationship and a period of "working on himself" led to my SO seeing the value of communication.

[turt]

He probably communicates more through actions. Have you ever tried bringing this subject up with him?

[confusedgirlhere]

He probably communicates more through actions. Have you ever tried bringing this subject up with him?

You're right, that is his main method. But I don't always have something I need done. Yes I have tried to discuss this with him. He would make an effort sometimes, and other times just basically say, I'm not good at that. The times he made an effort it would kind of go away as soon as I seem content. So then I'm not content anymore. Ugh.

[confusedgirlhere]

I mean, preferably, come to a mutual agreement about how to mitigate the differences so they do not cause too much friction in the relationship. If he is not able to meet you halfway in this, then you need to find a way to make the differences less unbearable for yourself.

I agree. I don't feel like I am being unreasonable. He has it in him to be more open because I've seen it, but it isn't his standard way of being. It's almost like he only shows me his full potential temporarily, then goes back to hiding under this shell. I feel like I am tested and it's frustrating.

The break-up of his last relationship and a period of "working on himself" led to my SO seeing the value of communication.

Oh, okay. That makes sense.

[Kofybean]

...Every once in a while, my guy will put in some extra effort (or maybe he just missed me or something) and I will see the sort of things that make me feel appreciated..

 

 

This needs to be explained.

[confusedgirlhere]

This needs to be explained.

A smile when I am around. A tinge of enthusiasm in the voice - I don't expect cheerleader levels but just a smidge. Wanting to touch me, whether sexual or not. Or he will be more vocal about what he has experienced since we saw each other. Or he will bring up ideas for future experiences on his own.

 

Once or twice he's also found ways to talk about weddings or children, without prompting from me.

 

In short, he proves with his body language and tone that he is glad to see me. The little favors mix into this also. But he is likely to do acts of service with friends too. I like signs of care that are not also given to friends.

 

But then there are days he looks like he doesn't really care if I'm around, can take or leave me. Not very physically affectionate, and doesn't respond with any enthusiasm if I reach out with physical affection. Sometimes it's almost like he's calling my attention to it. It feels really gamey. But nothing overt. If he would verbalize a reason it would be easier to deal with. Like okay, you didn't get much sleep, or you had a bad day, whatever. But he doesn't.

Edited July 19, 2012 by confusedgirlhere

[Kofybean]

A smile when I am around...

 

You are describing a basic level of affection. Im lost as to how you two ended up together if he didn't even show basic levels of interest in you. Btw... what you described doesnt sound like the "strong silent type" it sounds borderline autistic.

 

Being a man of action and not of words doesnt mean they have zero levels of affection. Well he is treating you the way he treats himself, which is probably why it seems his "friends" getting better treatment than you. Is he hurting on the inside? Parents? Btw that behavior may never change, because, as i said, he treats you how he treats or feels about himself.

[miss_jaclynrae]

OOO I can definitely form a response to this since I am also dating someone who is not so "emotional" so to speak.

 

 

 

He isn't one to express how much he cares, but by his actions I can tell, and it is something I have learned to cherish about him. At first I was conflicted as to whether I needed more from a man. [don't attack me about that, I just tend to be more open about my feelings through saying it AND showing it.]

 

We are not exclusive yet, have been dating for 2 months now though and I can tell you right now that at the end of the night, he always ends up being the one on my mind. I can NOT tell you why, but it is small things like when I came over and found a jar of nutella in his pantry that he got because "I knew it was your favorite comfort food." that have helped me see that not all feelings need to be talked about.

 

 

 

When it comes down to it though, I myself am unsure if in the long run I can live and grow old with a man that seems to be so quiet about how he feels.

For now, we are in no rush, so it works.

 

 

 

I guess my answer is that you have to follow your heart AND your mind on this one.

[miss_jaclynrae]

A smile when I am around. A tinge of enthusiasm in the voice - I don't expect cheerleader levels but just a smidge. Wanting to touch me, whether sexual or not. Or he will be more vocal about what he has experienced since we saw each other. Or he will bring up ideas for future experiences on his own.

 

Once or twice he's also found ways to talk about weddings or children, without prompting from me.

 

In short, he proves with his body language and tone that he is glad to see me. The little favors mix into this also. But he is likely to do acts of service with friends too. I like signs of care that are not also given to friends.

But then there are days he looks like he doesn't really care if I'm around, can take or leave me. Not very physically affectionate, and doesn't respond with any enthusiasm if I reach out with physical affection. Sometimes it's almost like he's calling my attention to it. It feels really gamey. But nothing overt. If he would verbalize a reason it would be easier to deal with. Like okay, you didn't get much sleep, or you had a bad day, whatever. But he doesn't.

 

THIS however, is not something our relationship lacks and would be something I am NOT ok with. He may not express his care for me vocally all the time, but he is very affectionate in other ways.

[confusedgirlhere]

You are describing a basic level of affection. Im lost as to how you two ended up together if he didn't even show basic levels of interest in you. Btw... what you described doesnt sound like the "strong silent type" it sounds borderline autistic.

 

Being a man of action and not of words doesnt mean they have zero levels of affection. Well he is treating you the way he treats himself, which is probably why it seems his "friends" getting better treatment than you. Is he hurting on the inside? Parents? Btw that behavior may never change, because, as i said, he treats you how he treats or feels about himself.

 

He does show me those things. It's just we haven't been able to spend as much time together lately. There's these phases where he's affectionate one day and distant the next. And if he is distant for too many days in a row I say something. So then he tries, and then he gets a bit distant.

 

So to be clear, he has days of being affectionate. I wouldn't put up with the distant days otherwise.

 

It feels like a control thing on his part. Like come here, go away. I don't think he realizes he does it. But it's a bit stressful/annoying. The first time I told him I get mixed messages he seemed surprised, and pulled out all the stops the next time we hung out. And then back to this distant crap again. Then I feel neglected and start to communicate that and he steps up again.

 

It's weird. I've never had this in a relationship before. Not sure how to deal with it. If I don't say anything he is often back to being more affectionate the next time I see him. But the distant moods really hurt. It's hard to build a relationship with that stuff.