Should I end it for good?

[Crila16]

I have a guy I’ve been on a few dates with. Really nice guy, doesn’t appear to be a player or a liar. Seems pretty genuine. He’s divorced with an 8 yr old. He told me he’s looking for something serious that leads to marriage and has been divorced now for 6 years. He said that he feels he and I could have something amazing and since marriage was his final goal, he wanted to make sure I was on the same page. I told him I was.

 

The first three dates were within a week of each other. I was totally digging this guy. It felt amazing. When it came to the date...he just wasn’t asking for one. He stayed intouch every other day with a txt, and then after 2 weeks, finally made planswith me for a Friday...but barely txt’d the week of the date. On the Thursday before the date, I txt’d him and said “are we still on, I haven’t heard from you all week.” His house (which I knew he was buying)finally closed on the day of our date. He told me he’d let me know for sure Friday morning...which he did. He cancelled, but then said he wanted to seeme on Sunday. I was happy I was finally going to see him...and when I txt’d to confirm Sunday morning (which I wasupset he didn’t txt or call to confirm Sunday morning), he said he was so sorryand was super busy and would see me after I came back from my vacation... (I’mleaving tomorrow for a week). Then he txt’d “when are you leaving and whenare you back?” I thought...1 month without seeing me? This isn’t a guy that likes a girl. I’m dying to see him, and he’s so lax about seeing me. Sooo...Idecided, no more ups and downs, I’m getting off this roller coaster. I know when a guy likes a girl, and this guyis just not that interested. I responded to his txt “no worries.” And was done. He txt’d again “when do you leave and when you back?” I ignored the txt and said to myself...done. No more games. I’m looking for serious and if this guy can’t pick up a phone and call...this isn’t what i want.

 

1 hour later, I was surprised that he called. He sounded upset and asked why I didn’t txt himback. I said because it’s obvious you’re not that interested in me and I’m just bowing out. You blew me off a couple of times without regard, and I just assumed maybe you have other things going on. He told me that he really liked me a lot and was sick to his stomach that I didn’t respond to his txt, and he was calling to discuss. He said “I wouldn’t be calling you if I didn’t like you. If I didn’tlike you I wouldn’t be txting or wanting to even see you. He said he was sorry and that he wasn’t blowing me off, that it was just stressful buying a house and he was going backand forth to the store and he was going overwhelmed. Then he said he would see me Monday forsure. True to his word he did...and wehad an awesome time, unless I found out he’s best friends with an ex gf hedated after his divorce for 1-1/2 years, and she’s 14 yrs younger than him. They’ve been broken up for 3 years or so,because she couldn’t handle him having a daughter. It’s his bf’s little sister. He said he talks to her everyday. I’m sick to my stomach. I don’t want to beinvolved with a guy who talks to an ex he was in love with at one point, who hecalls his best friend. He never calls mehardly ever, and I get a couple of txt’s here and there. She gets phone calls from him everyday. I know it’s a new relationship for us, but Ifeel like if he really liked me, he should be getting to know me better. Obviously he has feelings for his ex still (or vice versa...or both). I don’t want to suffer in a painful love triangle. Also, his actions don’t seem to be the actions of a man that wants to getto know me. He never calls just to talk.

 

Sooo...I think I’m going to end it for good. I just don’t know what to say. I’ve never broken up with a guy I liked before, usually it’s because I’m not interested. I just want to protect myself. Am I doing the right thing here? Any advice.

Edited July 18, 2012 by Crila16

[Ruby65]

Amazing -- similar thing happened to me.

 

Dated perfect guy for a few months..... until I found out his best friend was an ex-gf who basically ate up all his time and emotional energy with their "friendship."

 

At first I thought, who cares? I'm glad he has such a good female friend, it shows he respects women, blah blah blah.

 

THEN we all hung out together. She was so threatened by me that she confessed to him she was still in love with him and that it killed her to see us together and forced him to choose between us because she couldn't continue to be in his life if he was dating me.

 

Guess who he chose? Hahahhaaa -- oh well, his loss!

 

True story.

 

If it were me, I'd RUN from dating any guy who's bf is an ex-gf..... but that's just me because I've been burned.

[Crila16]

Wow...thanks Ruby5. What's funny is, I don't know your exact situation, but your ex and that girl are not going to work out in the long run...and yes, he did miss out. If something doesn't work the first time, there's usually a reason.

 

What's funny is...my guy has known this girl since she was in diapers and he was 13. It's his best friend growing up, little sister. Just before his divorce, he started dating her...she was 23 and was 36. He fell in love with her. Then when she couldn't handle not being #1 to his daughter, he decided to end it with her. 3 years later, they're still friends. He's not calling me, but tells me he talks to her everyday, and as a matter of fact, had spoken to her earlier that day. I got upset and he said "are you jealous?" I said no...cautious. He didn't think anything of telling me about her...but if there talking everyday, either one or both are still in love. I don't know why he doesn't just skip around me and go straight to her if he wants her so badly. Just go.

[Ruby65]

Yeah, they wouldn't be friends and in daily contact if they weren't BOTH getting something out of it.... ego strokes, still in love, who knows?

 

I'd bring it up to him as a matter of serious concern that has you questioning the future of this relationship, and see what he has to say about it.

 

If he's dismissive or accuses you of over-reacting... I'd walk.

 

He might be genuinely clueless and your bringing this up might be a real eye-opener for him. If he's a good guy, he'll hear what you have to say and adjust his behavior so you don't feel slighted or second-best to this ex.

 

Be prepared, if he DOES start to make you more of a priority, the ex isn't going to be happy about it and things could get ugly. That's what happened with me, anyway.

[Crila16]

Did you ever bring up your fears to your ex? What did he say....or did he get defensive?

 

My guy does tell me he really likes me a lot, and even talks future with me. He wants to meet my brother at a BBQ on Aug 4th, and is showing me pics of his daughter...but he hardly calls or txts which is a big "I'm not that into you enough to have the desire to talk to you". I'm not sure if it's because I haven't had sex with him though. The chemistry is undeniably there with both of us...to the point where we're always kissing, holidng hands or touching (non sexually). I told him it takes a while for me to feel comfortable to sleep with someone, but hey...I could just be a challenge. He really does seem like a really great guy though and has been respectful. I just don't want my head being played with...and if he wants this girl...then just go. you're both single and free...be with her. No one is stopping them. Why do they need a 3rd party to play with her mind and hurt her in order for them to realize they're in love? Just do it already.

 

But then again, you're right. He might be clueless. If he does start paying attention to me more after we talk, then too bad for her. She'll get over it eventually. I'm txting him this afternoon to tell him we need to talk. He may actually just let me walk away...so I may never know. At least I won't get hurt and I'll be safe.

[Ruby65]

The guy I dated listened and was very receptive to my concerns about his ex. He agreed she was being possessive and spousifying him. He didn't think she had romantic feelings for him still and I believe he really was honestly clueless in this regard.

 

So he did listen to my concerns and made a point of not hiding our relationship from her -- and this is what caused her to finally lose it and deliver her ultimatum.

 

I agree I'd have a VERY hard time being excited about a guy who wasn't calling or texting me every day -- especially if I knew he was in daily contact with his ex, ewwwwww!

 

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt at this point and see what he has to say about it.

 

And I agree, I wouldn't be sleeping with him either until this issue is resolved!

[Samilia]

If it doesn't feel right then it probably isn't right. It shouldn't feel like work, especially at the very beginning of a relationship. Your guts are telling you to run, I'd run.