How to love someone new

[Thierro]

I just cried while watching some old pictures of my ex that I've been dating for several years. It doesn't seem that any girl can compare to her; Looks, intelligence, communication style and most important; overall character.

 

I really like this new girl that I am seeing, but I don't feel all that energetic/enthousiastic about the relationship. I always believed in 'true love' (just like someone believes in God), but when my ex broke up with me, all that disappeared into nothing. Now I’m the all science guy. A relationship= rules you need to apply, or else it will not work. There's a different dynamic that I am experiencing. I enjoy relationships less, because I know there's nothing supernatural about them. I stopped being naive about it.

 

But how does this new love thing work? I can't compare a <30 days relationship to a 4+ years one. How do I know if this is the right girl for me? I love being with her, but I keep comparing her to my ex.

 

For those in new relationships, is there an ex that broke up with you that you still feel is superior to your new bf/gf? How do I make my ex appear less perfect?

Edited July 18, 2012 by Thierro

[without]

You haven't gotten over your ex.

 

In order to start a new healthy relationship you should do that first. Otherwise you'll end up hurting your new partner and yourself.

 

I had those thoughts too. But I'm over him now. If she was the one she wouldn't have left you.

[paperboy48]

Great thread....I'm right there with you man!

 

Eargerly waiting for responses.

[Thierro]

You haven't gotten over your ex.

 

In order to start a new healthy relationship you should do that first. Otherwise you'll end up hurting your new partner and yourself.

 

I had those thoughts too. But I'm over him now. If she was the one she wouldn't have left you.

 

Thanks for sharing. I don't believe in the whole; 'If they were the one, they wouldn't have left you.' It's the easy way out, avoiding responsibility. I made huge mistakes and I still have a hard time coping with that.

 

It's been two years since she left. I really want to move on from all of this. I need to experience new relationships with new people to be able to do that.

 

It will cost a lot of time to trust someone new and genuinely love them. The new person will always be inferior to an ex?

[Leopard]

I'm so sorry

 

Might I ask why she broke up with you?

 

I loved my ex very deeply, and still think about him sometimes, but the thing is I was the one who broke up with him. So for me, I just think about all the reasons why I left him and it becomes easier to like him less and less.

 

I don't think you should compare this new girl with your ex. You just need to understand that everyone is different, and you will love every girlfriend in a different way. You will never love any girl like how you loved your ex, and you will never love your ex like how you will love girls in the future. And neither is a bad thing.

 

I don't think your ex girlfriend was the best woman in the world. She was the best for YOU because you were in love with her. You just need to realize that no one compares not because she was the best, but because you felt the strongest for her. Once you realize that it's your feelings that are keeping you from loving new women, and not "no one is as good as her" then you might get somewhere.

 

How long ago did you break up? That might also play a factor.

 

I also think that if you share this with your new girl, she might help you transition from your ex. I was still hung up on my ex when I started dating my current boyfriend. Thing is, I shared all of this with him. Because I share this with him, instead of hiding it from him, he helped me get over my ex in a sense.

 

He would ask me questions about our relationship, the problems we had etc and I shared this with him. I got over my ex quicker that way because I was, in a sense, sharing my experience with him with this new guy, and it helped me get attached to this new guy.

 

My current bf knows all the problems I had with my ex, and that draws me closer to him, because instead of getting over my ex cold turkey, my boyfriend helped me with that. He is a smart guy too, and he was always right, which made me love him even more for it

 

The only problem is, I love him but i'm not in love with him. This might happen to you in the future, but that doesn't mean you will treat the girl any less of how she deserves to be treated.

 

I love my boyfriend very much. I give him the world and I do so many things for him, because he deserves them and he is an incredible person. I don't love him how I loved my ex, and I never will, but that doesn't mean I want my ex back or wish my boyfriend was anything like him.

 

I hope this helps.

[without]

Thanks for sharing. I don't believe in the whole; 'If they were the one, they wouldn't have left you.' It's the easy way out, avoiding responsibility. I made huge mistakes and I still have a hard time coping with that.

 

It's been two years since she left. I really want to move on from all of this. I need to experience new relationships with new people to be able to do that.

 

It will cost a lot of time to trust someone new and genuinely love them. The new person will always be inferior to an ex?

 

No, of course not. Unless you spent your whole time comparing them.

 

Everyone is different you should let them show themselves and see if you like them or not.

 

But I'm sure your problem is not the new one, you're just stuck with your ex.

You should fully heal and recover from your last relationship.

 

Write down if that helps you, there were problems which caused the break up, If you think it was your mistakes then try not to repeat them.

 

And don't just think about the good times, esp because 2 years have passed, chances are you mostly remember the good things about her.

 

Maybe the new one is even better than your ex.

[without]

I also think that if you share this with your new girl, she might help you transition from your ex. I was still hung up on my ex when I started dating my current boyfriend. Thing is, I shared all of this with him. Because I share this with him, instead of hiding it from him, he helped me get over my ex in a sense.

 

I disagree. It looks like more of a rebound with the difference that you haven't left him.

 

I don't think venting about your ex to them is a good idea at all. Chances are they may leave you because you still obviously have feelings for your ex.

 

And the fact that you still won't love him as much as your ex is another factor that why I'm against it.

[Sugarkane]

I disagree. It looks like more of a rebound with the difference that you haven't left him.

 

I don't think venting about your ex to them is a good idea at all. Chances are they may leave you because you still obviously have feelings for your ex.

 

And the fact that you still won't love him as much as your ex is another factor that why I'm against it.

 

I completely agree. I think that would make the next person run as fast as they can.

[Thierro]

Leopard:

 

We were pretty serious. We made plans to live together. I think it was a very suffocating thought that she would spend “the rest of her life” with me. She was still young, so I guess she wasn’t ready for such a big commitment. I was also a very insecure guy around her. Always thinking that someone else would sweep her off her feet. I never thought I was good enough for her. I always needed reassurance. Every time she went out with friends I was scared about her finding someone else. I loved her too much. I put her on a pedestal and I wanted to live in a bubble with her. It opened my eyes how unhealthy I was in that relationship. I needed her to be happy.

 

I do believe it’s all my fault. I could let it go more easily if it was just her having the grass is greener syndrome.

 

I don’t know how to love someone differently. I want to love her the same way as I did with my ex. Any other love will feel less significant. She was my first love and I do believe that a person will never actually get over their first. This is new ground to me.

 

You love your boyfriend, but you are not in love with them? Doesn’t that seem wrong? Talking about your ex with the new guy/girl is something to avoid like the plague. I think it’s disrespectful to them using them as an emotional tampon. It’s unattractive as well.

 

Without:

 

I thought I was genuinely over her. It’s when she contacted me via e-mail that some old feelings arose. Especially now that I am dating this new girl, I see how much I am comparing her to my ex. I’m not over her, I agree. But I am so damn tired of how I let her influence my life after two years of crap. I want to open up to people and let them in. I want to give them a chance.

 

Loving someone differently is something I need to experience in the future. Right now, that’s a very weird concept and something I can’t grasp at the moment.

[without]

Without:

 

I thought I was genuinely over her. It’s when she contacted me via e-mail that some old feelings arose. Especially now that I am dating this new girl, I see how much I am comparing her to my ex. I’m not over her, I agree. But I am so damn tired of how I let her influence my life after two years of crap. I want to open up to people and let them in. I want to give them a chance.

 

Loving someone differently is something I need to experience in the future. Right now, that’s a very weird concept and something I can’t grasp at the moment.

 

You should continue NC with her.

 

Also your love and how you give it is all about you not the other person.

[carhill]

How to love someone new

 

Accept the past

 

Live in the present

 

If you find this difficult to do, get professional help.

[Leopard]

I disagree. It looks like more of a rebound with the difference that you haven't left him.

 

I don't think venting about your ex to them is a good idea at all. Chances are they may leave you because you still obviously have feelings for your ex.

 

And the fact that you still won't love him as much as your ex is another factor that why I'm against it.

 

I never vented. He was the one who asked about my ex. I never brought him up. Since he asked, I answered honestly. Of course I avoided the whole "I still have feelings for him" talk, but I answered honestly why I left him and why we had problems.

 

I don't see how it's such a horrible idea if it helped me develop a healthy relationship with this man.

 

As for the last line, I don't think you can love two people the same. Just because I will never love him as much as my ex, doesn't mean I will treat him with any less care or respect.

 

I suppose it's something that you, personally, couldn't do (love someone less) but I think it's naive to think you will love all your boyfriends the same.

 

Leopard:

You love your boyfriend, but you are not in love with them? Doesn’t that seem wrong? Talking about your ex with the new guy/girl is something to avoid like the plague. I think it’s disrespectful to them using them as an emotional tampon. It’s unattractive as well.

 

That's the thing. HE brought it up, HE wanted to talk about it. I don't know if it was his way of getting to know me, or help me transition or whatever else, but it wasn't my idea. So accusing me of using him is completely irrational.

 

I don't think it's something to avoid "like the plague" if the one time I did it is the one time I have the longest and healthiest relationship insofar.

 

And no, it doesn't seem wrong to me that I am not in love with him. With all due respect Thierro, you already can't imagine even LOVING another woman, let alone falling in love with her, so you can't really say that it's wrong if you have been single for 2 years and haven't "fallen in love" with anyone else.

 

You can't expect every couple to be in love with each other. That's very unrealistic. As you get more older and experienced you will understand this. I don't blame you for thinking its wrong though.

 

This whole "falling in love" is all Hollywood and novel heroes. It doesn't exist. It's very uncommon that two people who "fall in love" will stay together, or two people who are staying together are in love. This is new age stuff and the sooner you realize it the healthier your relationships will be.

[lauda]

i understand what your going through. i did have to get my mind around it.. and get over it.

although my situation is different. i had only been seeing this guy for 6-8 months, and we where both mutually 'in love' the puppy love that everyone knows soo well. but he broke up with me and i cried for 5months at least and kept attempting at talking to him.

i am now dating a wonderful guy that i love and care about, though its only been 2 months. its not the same as the first, i dont get tingles in my tummy when we kiss and im an emotive thinker where as he is logical and upfront.

 

there will be things that you will miss in your ex, but always remember that your ex broke up with you, all that hurt ... know you've found some one special. dont compare them, because this girl you have now never broke your heart.

[Thierro]

Accept the past

 

Live in the present

 

If you find this difficult to do, get professional help.

 

Accepting the past is not just about the girl. It has severely changed my outlook on life as well. I can’t ignore that. People that tell us ‘You’ll find someone else!’ hide behind the fact that society portrays a world that is filled with meaning and reason. But to me, there is none.

 

A ‘relationship’ is a social construct. We are not made to be in a relationship. But because I (we) are all so indoctrinated, we all try to chase that, because we are told that that is the way to happiness.

 

Changing my believe system from believing in true love (as well as a main goal in life) to basically a lie that society told us, is very hard to deal with.

 

Like I said; it’s the same basic thing as believing in God your whole life and finding out that he/she doesn’t exist.

I never vented. He was the one who asked about my ex. I never brought him up. Since he asked, I answered honestly.

In that case there is nothing wrong with that. I do however, don’t think that honesty is always a good thing. Especially not in a relationship. There’s no room for certain dialogue in a relationship.

 

And no, it doesn't seem wrong to me that I am not in love with him. With all due respect Thierro, you already can't imagine even LOVING another woman, let alone falling in love with her, so you can't really say that it's wrong if you have been single for 2 years and haven't "fallen in love" with anyone else.

 

You can't expect every couple to be in love with each other. That's very unrealistic. As you get more older and experienced you will understand this. I don't blame you for thinking its wrong though.

 

This whole "falling in love" is all Hollywood and novel heroes. It doesn't exist. It's very uncommon that two people who "fall in love" will stay together, or two people who are staying together are in love. This is new age stuff and the sooner you realize it the healthier your relationships will be.

 

I agree with you about the Hollywood stuff. That’s why I have such a hard time dealing with this. I’ve been told so many things by society, that reevaluating my place in this universe becomes difficult. I always thought that older people knew what they are doing and believing, but they don’t. I’m finally beginning to think for “myself”. But even thinking for yourself is just echoing opinions of other people. There’s no truth, we just don’t know. Science however, seem to be the only constant thing in this world that makes sense.

 

I don’t think I will ever feel as much for a girl as I did, because I grew up.

 

As I’m becoming older and more experienced in life, it’s funny to notice people that blindly follow a thought, faith or idea without even thinking rationally about it. They hold on to it desperately until the day they die.

 

know you've found some one special. dont compare them, because this girl you have now never broke your heart.

 

I like what you said. I don't blame my ex for breaking my heart. I let it happen. I'm responsible for the way that I feel. She didn't hurt me on purpose. It was time for her to move on. I hope that she will be happy as a clam.

Edited July 18, 2012 by Thierro

[carhill]

I don't blame my ex for breaking my heart. I let it happen. I'm responsible for the way that I feel. She didn't hurt me on purpose. It was time for her to move on.

 

So, accept that at the elemental level of your psychology and you have the 'how to love someone new'. Simple.

[Leopard]

You will be okay Thierro You seem like a smart guy.

 

I'm sorry it hurts so much, but you will eventually get over her and love someone else

 

I promise.