how to get consistency??

[confusedgirlhere]

Okay, my guy has some awesome qualities. Problem is, I feel a little jerked around. I've talked to some people about it and none of them think he does it on purpose. Anyway. He is loyal, caring, supportive, tries to make me happy, and he can be very thoughtful.

 

Sometimes, I feel like he is also lazy, withdrawn, passive aggressive and withholding.

 

It seems like he tries harder, and shows me more of his positive side, if he is afraid I am upset with him. I am worried this will lead to me acting upset to get some of my emotional needs met.

 

He never stops talking to me for more than a day. He apologizes a lot if he has to change our plans. But sometimes I feel like he shows up emotionally and then leaves emotionally. He shows up better if he thinks I am upset.

 

I don't know what to do. I talked to him about this in the past, he said he had to adjust to being in a relationship after being single for a while. And it started getting a little intense to have these talks so I backed off. But he still will be really sweet and caring one day, and kind of blah the next day. I don't know what to do. Overall he is great, but these changes hurt my feelings and make me feel insecure about the relationship.

 

As an aside, he is an introvert, so it takes more energy for him to show me these emotional things. But I still need the feedback and it's hard when I don't get it. What should I do?

 

We have been friends for over six months before we dated, been dating exclusively for about 3 months. He isn't seeing someone else.

[thatone]

men will go through little periods of withdrawal from time to time. it's normal.

 

i think it stems from the fact that our brains tend to be focused on one thing at a time. it's how men think. very likely when you first got together he was neglecting some other things to spend more time on you, now that you're getting a bit more comfortable with each other he has to go back and deal with some things he ignored for awhile, may be work, friends, whatever.

 

the above is a possibility.

 

if the above is the case, the worst thing to do is get mad and try to force him to do what you want. that will eventually lead to fights. when you wind up doing that at a time when he can't deal with both you and something else he will lash out and blame you for it. and once you start fighting you tend to continue to fight.

 

if all of this is the case, the big question is do you do those things for him? if so, and he doesn't reciprocate, then that's one thing. if you don't, then you have no grounds to be upset with him. it's not the job of men to make women happy. relationships are two way streets.

[confusedgirlhere]

men will go through little periods of withdrawal from time to time. it's normal.

 

i think it stems from the fact that our brains tend to be focused on one thing at a time. it's how men think. very likely when you first got together he was neglecting some other things to spend more time on you, now that you're getting a bit more comfortable with each other he has to go back and deal with some things he ignored for awhile, may be work, friends, whatever.

 

the above is a possibility.

That is a possibility. I guess I am concerned partly because I tend to need a good bit of attention from a boyfriend, or barring that, I need signs that they are into me when I do see them. Doesn't have to be a lot, and doesn't have to be every day, but I need a little more than I get from him... except if he thinks I am mad. If he thinks I am mad I can tell he's running through a list in his head of the things I will respond to. But then if I act content with him, those things stop again.

 

I can't tell if he just doesn't show things the way I like naturally, or whether it's some sort of head game he doesn't mean to be playing. It's hard for me to feel secure in the relationship because these things fluctuate. It's rare for him to be very demonstrative twice in a row. He'll be demonstrative one day, and the next time we hang out he will seem kind of distant. It's nerve wracking.

if the above is the case, the worst thing to do is get mad and try to force him to do what you want. that will eventually lead to fights. when you wind up doing that at a time when he can't deal with both you and something else he will lash out and blame you for it. and once you start fighting you tend to continue to fight.

I'm not big on fighting. I have told him before if I started to feel neglected, and he does adjust but it doesn't take long before this mild hot/cold stuff happens again. I wish I knew if I was just being too attentive/insecure, or he is sort of push-pulling, or a combination. If I could feel confident that this is just my issue I could ignore it better but I'm nagged by the notion that it could be a little bit of game-playing. Like he gets complacent easily, thinking he has me in the bag. Yes I care for him and I'm on the way to being in love but that doesn't mean he doesn't have to try a bit. I try really hard, though I don't like to give more than I receive because I don't think that is healthy.

 

And like I said one reason I wonder if it is a mild game is because he pulls out all the stops if he thinks I'm mad at him. (But the fact that he does that, also shows me he cares. I just wish he showed more at other times, because I don't want him to feel threatened for me to get those things. I just want to see a bit more of them.) So he has it in him to show how he feels, it just seems like he's not inclined to do it unless I force the issue just a little (not with words, more like with actions, like maybe pouting a little bit lol). I don't want to set up that kind of pattern - the issue is that he tends to get really neutral with me, and I feel neglected like that. But then he comes through and I have no doubts, so I get content again, then he gets a bit neutral. Rinse and repeat.

if all of this is the case, the big question is do you do those things for him? if so, and he doesn't reciprocate, then that's one thing. if you don't, then you have no grounds to be upset with him. it's not the job of men to make women happy. relationships are two way streets.

I'm very demonstrative, I do nice things for him, and while he doesn't really disclose many "problems" to me, I'm super supportive with him the few times he does. I also try to think about what he needs and do my best to give it. Like the space - I do try to give space, not blow up his phone or something. But he's kind of passive (admits being so), so sometimes it's like... I don't think he even misses me, so I wait and even if I wait, he won't reach out. But then if I do reach out with some kind of "miss you" idea, he is quick to say he misses me. And then when he does see me, all signs point to the notion that he really did miss me. But for some reason he waits on me to initiate. And that leads to me not feeling confident in how he feels, as I think he would act on that a little more if it is really there. Is this faulty thinking?

 

I have never had a relationship with this dynamic. I have always been the slightly apathetic one, always had the partner pushing for more attention. So I don't know how normal this is, or how to tell if it is a sign of a problem.