whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 And yes, men and women CAN be friends. But boundries have to be there, common respect and courtesy, no crossing lines, especially when one or both are married. Many people can manage this without falling into bed together, or falling in love. Your situation isn't just two people being friends. You two had an affair and it ended. Keeping him in your life is not a good thing in the long run for you, him and his marriage.
2sunny Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 What's wrong with remaining best friends? That's the role for the gal he MARRIED. Some day you won't like it if your H has a woman as his best friend! Just stop - you know it's completely inappropriate! Stop disrespecting the M = stay away from him!
Author hurting tonight Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 It's up to him to stay away. I'm not worried about ever hearing from him, I know he wont contact me. If he does, and we can be friends, then so be it. Someone said his character is flawed, no it's not. He's a beautiful, sensitive person inside and out. Right now I do consider him more then myself because I'm not selfish, and he's very sick. Has been for the last year, he can't work. I know how heavily it weighs on him.
Author hurting tonight Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 By the way my husband did have a woman as his best friend, it didn't bother me. She would call him right in front of me. I knew they where friends, old hs sweet hearts.
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 By the way my husband did have a woman as his best friend, it didn't bother me. She would call him right in front of me. I knew they where friends, old hs sweet hearts. Did they have an affair under your nose? Then hide it from you? Make a fool of you? Then it ended and they continued being friends? my guess is no. You are justifying this. Does your husband know you had an affair with this guy? I'm sure he would NOT want you being friends with him. 1
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 It's up to him to stay away. I'm not worried about ever hearing from him, I know he wont contact me. If he does, and we can be friends, then so be it. Someone said his character is flawed, no it's not. He's a beautiful, sensitive person inside and out. Right now I do consider him more then myself because I'm not selfish, and he's very sick. Has been for the last year, he can't work. I know how heavily it weighs on him. His shi.t stinks, you are defending him, making him seem like a nice and perfect guy. He's far from it. Both of you have deceived your spouses - And yes it IS selfish of you both to keep a friendship alive. Though you can't see this since you are in the situation. take a step back and see this from another angle. 1
Author hurting tonight Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 I'm not married, separated for 2 years. Again you don't know him, so stop judging.
Author hurting tonight Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 I want to ad we didn't separate because of the affair, we stopped loving one another a long time ago. It was a mutual decision.
2sunny Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 It's up to him to stay away. I'm not worried about ever hearing from him, I know he wont contact me. If he does, and we can be friends, then so be it. Someone said his character is flawed, no it's not. He's a beautiful, sensitive person inside and out. Right now I do consider him more then myself because I'm not selfish, and he's very sick. Has been for the last year, he can't work. I know how heavily it weighs on him. You need help. His character is flawed. And considering him first is backwards. To answer your question - yes, it's possible to be friends with a man who's married- as long as you've never intended to have ax with him. As long as you are a supporter of their HEALTHy marriage. If you are there to deter theM - then you are no friend! 1
Author hurting tonight Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 It's rude to say someones character is flawed without personally knowing them. You don't do that.
2sunny Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 The very passive and wimpy approach you exude is very concerning. Always justifying him being MORE important than you and your feelings is a very unhealthy view of yourself. Where did you learn to dismiss your feelings at all cost?
2sunny Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 It's rude to say someones character is flawed without personally knowing them. You don't do that. When you present evidence that it is flawed - what else are we supposed to believe? You provided his info - it must be real, no?
Author hurting tonight Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 I'm very laid back, no drama, not high strung.
2sunny Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 I'm very laid back, no drama, not high strung. Too laid back... No backbone. No strength and courage to DO what's right. Read co dependent no more by Melanie Beattie
Author hurting tonight Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 Still you're judging without knowing, I find it rude to make such remarks. Having an affair doesn't make him or I flawed. It happened.
Author hurting tonight Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 You don't know me as a person, and my day to day life. You're judging a complete stranger.
scatterd Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 OK he is a nice guy but he is being selfish. He has a wife that I'm sure loves him. Cheating hurts many people as you can see. We are here to help you better your life because we want to be not because we have to. Many nice people make bad decisions everyday and so many have been hurt and learned to better their selfs here at LS.What happened when you came here will continue if you dont listen. It does get worse we know it does and we know you are hurting. This is not easy thats why their is support sites. No one is trying to beat him down but you need to understand these woman and men have been trough this and know how it is.
2sunny Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Still you're judging without knowing, I find it rude to make such remarks. Having an affair doesn't make him or I flawed. It happened. Yes it does. That's the part you don't see. People who cheat DO have a character flaw - that's why they cheat. They justify bad behavior. Cheating hurts others... How can you not see that part? How can you willingly participate without a conscience knowing full well it hurts many others? THAT IS a huge character flaw! No conscience is a BIG problem! IF you had a conscience - you wouldn't have participated... That's PART of why YOU need help.
Author hurting tonight Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 This is where you're making a statement without knowing me. I felt horrible and guilty as hell. I would never tell my husband because I knew what it would do to him. Same for my AP.We felt bad. We found something in each other, we made each other happy. To say we didn't feel bad is so off base.
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 This is where you're making a statement without knowing me. I felt horrible and guilty as hell. I would never tell my husband because I knew what it would do to him. Same for my AP.We felt bad. We found something in each other, we made each other happy. To say we didn't feel bad is so off base. But not bad enough to stay away from one another and end things completely. Keeping a friendship with him with no sex IS STILL an affair, albeit, an emotional one. One can still feel bad and guilty yet still pursue an affair. It happens all the time. What keeps an A going is justifying one's actions and lying to oneself, being selfish, putting him or herself above the needs of his/her spouse. 2
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Still you're judging without knowing, I find it rude to make such remarks. Having an affair doesn't make him or I flawed. It happened. It didn't 'just happen'. You both made conscious decisions, daily to have the A and keep going. A person who cheats on their spouse has flaws. Everybody has flaws okay, but those who cheat and put themselves above their families needs, goes against their vows, lies and cheats IS flawed. Reguardless of the state of his marriage, he chose to betray his wife. That is not a nice character to have.
Author hurting tonight Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 I came here for support because I had no one to talk to. Not get beat up about my character flaws or AP flaws, ect. It's too negative.
2sunny Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 I came here for support because I had no one to talk to. Not get beat up about my character flaws or AP flaws, ect. It's too negative. We are supporting YOUR best net rest while you are choosing not to look after your best interest. Agreeing with you wouldn't be helpful to you - if you are trying to be the best person you can possibly be. Why do you believe you don't deserve better than settling for this crappy situation?
2sunny Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 You can make NEWchoices... Ones that help you feel like you're not living in this character flaw. You can end the cheating, ya know?
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 I came here for support because I had no one to talk to. Not get beat up about my character flaws or AP flaws, ect. It's too negative. Sorry if my words are coming off harshly. Maybe you're not ready to 'hear' or take in what we are all saying yet. You are closed minded and feel attacked. Noone here is saying this stuff to hurt you, it's just many know and can see what's around the corner..Stuff that you need to be aware of and understand. Life is tough sometimes and people make bad, selfish, crazy decisions that are not healthy..Most learn eventually and look back with regret and wish they had taken a different path.. That 'if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have done that'. Many on here don't give hand holding support with bubbles and puppy dogs, all nice and happy. Affairs are messy and there's REAL pain involved, innocent people get hurt. I'm sure if your H finds out (separated H) he would be hurt, you even said so.. And you know his wife would be devastated. Yet you cannot see that what you're continuing to do is damaging to her? Helping him cheat emotionally on his wife? Taking time and energy away from her and their family unit? While he focusses on you, lusts and all (even if no sex is happening, that attraction and ego is still there) that stuff should be directed at his wife, not you.
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