Author hurting tonight Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 5 years. I would never dream of asking him to leave his wife. I know what I want to say. It's not a good bye email. It's more of thank you for saying you where sorry. I need to. I need to wait. It gives me some strength in this. I spent the last 2 days so upset.
Author hurting tonight Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 He warned me he was going to, then said he was sorry for it.
alexandria35 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I need that last closure to tell him I think you are an incredible person, although this situation is bad, and be well. I want to tell him this. I under stand why you did what you did. I feel I need this, although I'm not sure if he was looking for me to respond. OP if this affair is really over then over the next weeks, months, year, as you heal and move on, you will begin to see this situation for what it really is. He devastated you years ago, you gave him another chance and now he's hurt you again. He has a history of using you to make himself feel good and then tossing you aside when that suits his needs. He likes having you in his life but only as his secret little thing on the side. He could have refused to send the no contact email to you. He knew that would hurt you but he didn't. He chose to do whatever his wife told him to do, not because he has any respect for her or you, but because he wants to stay married and he lives to take care of himself because he is number one is his eyes and nobody elses feelings or needs matter to him as much as his own. One day you will see how selfish and self serving it is/was for him to use you and his wife this way and it will piss you off. Yes, once you are away from him for a good number of months, you will see this and you will get good and angry about it. When that happens you will cringe if your last words to him were telling him, this selfish user of a man, that he's an incredible person and that you understand why he needs to stomp all over everyone elses hearts to have what HE WANTS! You will look back at that email and realize that you weren't in a healthy place at the moment you wrote it and you will wish you never sent it. Waiting two weeks isn't going to do much besides set you back to day one in your healing. There is no reason to email him. His last email to you didn't require a reply. Really think long and hard about why you want to contact him and be honest with yourself. You want to email him for a reason, what is it? Do you want to make sure he is thinking about you? You know his wife is probably freaking out and giving him a hard time right now. Do you want him to read your email and make yourself look good by comparison? His wife is probably saying a lot of things to him at the moment. "You're an incredible person and I understand why you had to do what you did" is probably not among them. Why do want to continue to stroke his ego and make him feel right in everything he does, even when what he does is actually horribe and selfish? I once had a terribly dysfunctional relationship where there were many break ups and make ups. I regret every single year beyond the first year. We would break up, think that was the end of it and then eventually one of us would make contact with the other and the whole mess would start all over again. When it was me breaking no contact I could always convince myself that I was doing it for altruistic reasons. "oh no, I don't want anything, I'm just really worried about him and I just want to make sure he's okay. It's his birthday, it's Christmas, it's the 3rd Monday of the month, he always hated the third Monday of the month. I better call him and make sure he's not suffering" or "he was such a jerk to me the last time he talked to me. I know he must be beating himself up over that. I better call him and let him know that I still love him. Why yes he is an abusive ass, but he hates that about himself so I better make sure he doesn't feel bad about himself" Oh I could go on and on about how pathetic it all was. However I can now honestly and truthfully say that there was never a time that I broke no contact when I wasn't hoping to get something out of it. I always did it for my own selfish reasons. I wanted him back, I wanted him to think about me, I didn't want him to forget about me, I didn't want him to move on. So honestly ask yourself why you want to tell a man who made you feel suicidal in the past and who has just broken your heart again, that you think he is an incredible person, because that just doesn't make sense. Do you usually think people who use you and then toss you aside are incredible people? If I walked up to your front door right now and just punched you right in the face, would fall madly in love with me because your favorite people are the ones who hurt you? 3
Author hurting tonight Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 In relationships sometimes people get hurt. He's not an awful person. You don't know him. Hes helped me with so many things, advice on my business, advice on my home, helping me with my son. The list goes on. He's not selfish. He's nbeen there for me, as I him. He hurt me in the past, I understand why he did what he did the other day. He ceased up and said he was sorry. He felt bad. To me it means a lot.
skywriter Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 (edited) So, given all your replies, what is LS site here to help you with? Just coping and journaling? I mean, I know for myself, I wanted and needed for myself, to move on and it has taken me a lot of time, reflecting , admitting, accepting, and the list goes on, to go NC. I've done it and the burden is lifting gradually. For ex; I consider the wasted time and the distraction that I allowed my A to bring to my life. Edited July 19, 2012 by skywriter
skywriter Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Ok, I read your OP again and you just need to get your pain out. I completely understand this feeling. I hope you are able to do this here. I do think it admirable of you, that you hold no ill feelings towards the MM and the way you consider hia good person. obviously you do own your part in the A and just need to heal and hopefully move on to a healthier relationship in the future.
alexandria35 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 In relationships sometimes people get hurt. He's not an awful person. You don't know him. Hes helped me with so many things, advice on my business, advice on my home, helping me with my son. The list goes on. He's not selfish. He's nbeen there for me, as I him. He hurt me in the past, I understand why he did what he did the other day. He ceased up and said he was sorry. He felt bad. To me it means a lot. Okay well this just happened, so I guess you can't see the bigger picture yet. Just a couple of questions. How did he help you with your son? It sounds like you mostly just told him your problems and he advised you. Big whoop! Do you have any idea how many people out there absolutely love dishing out advice. Why just look at how many of us there are right here on this forum...LOL. Seriously though, besides advising you, in what other ways has he been there for you? If your son injured himself or became terribly sick in the middle of the night could you call him up and he would come running to be by your side and take you and your son to the hospital? Because you know what? Any of my partners (at the time they were my partner and some even now) would have been there. So would any friend I might call, or any of my family. That's what I call being therefor someone. Sure sometimes we just need someone to listen to us and advise us but as I said, that's an activitiy many people love to engage in. You don't have to look very far to find someone who would love nothing more than to tell you how to fix your life. That maybe part of why the MM liked you so much. Both of you loved listening to him talk. His wife probably got tired of his yapping a long time ago. It really stroked his ego to have you coming to him for advice and hang on his every word like he was all knowing. In his real life he probably didn't get the adulation that you gave him so it's easy to see why he liked having you around. I know that you don't think he's selfish, but when a man is married and wants to stay married then what purpose is there for an affair other than sex and ego strokes? I think some people like the ego stroking so much that they engage in the sex just to make sure the other person will keep on stroking their ego. He carried on with you because it made him feel good. Now it's not so good because his wife is upset so he's done with you, at least for the moment. What will happen next depends on his wife. If she can't get past it and the affair destroys their marriage, he will come a running to you, declaring that you're actually the one he wanted to be with all along, but in fact it was actually his wife but now she's leaving and he's desperate to not be alone. Or he will pacify his wife with lies and dishonesty (wonderful guy that he is) and once he convinces her to sweep it all under the carpet he will reach out to you to see if your still up to being his little secret plaything that makes him feel good about himself. Or best case scenario is that all of you will go to counselling, fix yourselves and move onto healthier lives. 3
Author hurting tonight Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 I'm here because I needed to talk, and its helped me. I miss him terribly, so talking is helping. Thank you.
Moanin Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I think you want to respond to him so that the communication connection with him remains open. Even if the communication were to remain slightly open, you will never be able to go back to where you were before d-day and that will hurt you and tear away at you. You have the power to walk away from this holding the upper hand. MM wants you to respond, he wants you to tell him that everything is OK. He wants your blessing so that he can go on and repair his marriage knowing that you've forgiven him. The one way you can be sure that he will never forget you and I bet he will think of you often, is to keep him hanging by not responding. If you can imagine, he's the one now checking his email constantly waiting for a reply from you............. Don't give up that power.
Author hurting tonight Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 I doubt he's checking his email waiting for a reply from me. I doubt he's even thinking about me. Yes you are right, I do so desperately want to respond to him. I'm going to wait it out as long as I can before I do. I thank God right now that I'm very busy working, and don't have much time to think. It's the times alone that are the worse. I hate being alone.
scatterd Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Try to keep busy call friends,read books or play games. After awhile it will get easier you are doing good keep it up. Dont even sit and wait for a phone call. You need to stop all the thoughts of him contacting you it will help. Do what you have been I am glad you are staying strong and not calling. Keep the good work up.
Tenacity Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 (edited) I know how compelling it feels to reply. It is like a fix - a little bit of what was there before. For me, it was almost like there was no other choice. But there is. The thing is, you are giving him the power when you do this. The problem with that is, even if it seems like the thing to do now, in a few days you will be one of two things: 1) in a panic because he hasn't replied (trust me - been there done that for years - no matter what you feel right now - you will be a mess again and it's because by not ignoring his e-mail you gave up control and put the ball in HIS court... yes, even with just a one-liner saying "I wish you the best"! and so now you wait... trust me, you will wait, no matter what you think now) ... or 2) back in communication with someone who never intends to leave his M. I am sure your MM is not a bad person. I get that totally. However, I do not agree that he wasn't selfish - he was. It doesn't make him a terrible person - just human. Now he needs to correct his mistakes. One way or another you do need to move on. The bottom line is that it's over. How you handle it is up to you. Sending him a follow-up e-mail will make you feel better for about an hour, and then you will feel infinitely worse. Trust me. BTW, I was in a multiple-year A and was NC with my ex-MM after D-Day but chose to re-establish contact and remain "best friends". I posted about this recently (and took a beating, which maybe I deserved). So, you can draw it out however long you wish. In my case, after thinking about some of the replies I received, I went NC with ex-MM again. Yes, we were just friends at that point - and this is YEARS after the A ended - but I had to admit that I was having trouble moving forward. Really - don't waste another several years of your life on something that isn't going to happen. Don't leave the ball in his court. Trust me - you will not regret it if you keep the power with you, however you feel right now. If you send that e-mail you lose it. Edited July 20, 2012 by Tenacity
Author hurting tonight Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 I know what you are saying. I never wanted him to leave his marriage. I never thought that. It's the right thing to do to thank him for being courthouse and to be well. I don't ever expect him to respond. If he does, then that's great, if he doesn't, I already knew that. I decided to make him wait a couple of days. To be polite is proper.
Author hurting tonight Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 What's wrong with remaining best friends?
Spark1111 Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 What's wrong with remaining best friends? Because if he is serious about improving his marriage, the only best friend he should have is his wife, not his xmistress, HT 2
Author hurting tonight Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 Imho being friends is not cheating. Honestly can't opposite sex be friends without having an alteroir motive. I mean seriously. Or am I naive.
jwi71 Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Imho being friends is not cheating. Honestly can't opposite sex be friends without having an alteroir motive. I mean seriously. Or am I naive. Of course people can have friends of the opposite sex. So, I'm going to ENCOURAGE you to be friends with your MM In fact, why not pick up the phone, call his W and ask them both over for dinner? 1
skywriter Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Well, I actually asked a 46 yr old "friend" of mine this last night. To be honest, I think this wonderful friend of oh, 25 yrs now I think...is developing "something" for me. eeeek! scares the bejeezers out of me. He said, yes, a man can have a friendship with a woman, however it depends on wether or not they share alot of time together, experiences in life, like sharing problems, and just taking the friendship to an emotional level. So his answer is, I suppose keeping a safe distance, or boundaries can change the dynamic of the friendship. He says, if a man invest time, money, helps with problem solving, and so on, then he's more than likely hoping to take things to another level. Be it sex, or whatever, depends on the individual. ....by the way this man does all the above for me and has never disrespected me or asked me for anything but friendship. I have to believe, that it would be very unhealthy for me to try and be friends with the exMM. I really don't see the point. It waould be counterproductive in my healing and moving on.
woinlove Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 What's wrong with remaining best friends? Are you talking about remaining best friends openly in front of his W or hiding it from his W? If you are thinking of being secret "best friends", keeping his W in the dark about this, then, it comes down to the type of person you want to be, what values you want to have and how you want to connect to others. If you want to have compassion for others and encourage those who are closest to, such as best friends with, to treat others well, then, no, you can't remain best friends without full disclosure to the BS. 3
Tenacity Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 What's wrong with remaining best friends? Being friends with someone of the opposite sex is of course possible, but not if you are in love with them. Most of the time this wouldn't even be an option. I think 3 things need to be in place before it even has a slight chance to work: 1) the W has to be aware of it (no hiding it from the W; otherwise it's no different than the A; 2) a lot of time has to pass; and 3) there has to be a lot of repenting for the mistakes made in the A. In my case I attempted it mostly because we had been best friends long before the A and I missed that part of it - and also because I didn't want to lose the business that we ran together. It was only after a lot of time had passed, including NC. And most importantly, it was after he did a complete 180 regarding his life - and I mean actions, not just words. In particular he admitted many times what a complete selfish jerk he had been and talked about how he had only been thinking of himself and not what he was doing to the people he loved. He recommitted to his family, became transparent to his W, and became extremely religious. Believe me when I say there is no way now that he will ever again cheat on his W, even though the marriage is still not good. As for how he treats me, it is with a lot of respect and nothing even remotely out of line. He says to me frequently that if he does or says anything that hurts me, that I should tell him. Probably the hardest thing I ever did was reconnect with him again as a friend. The lack of flirting, the missing 'I love you's, and hearing about how his life is now - that took me a long time. Because I had gotten past it, but it dredged it all up again when we went that route. It was like picking a scab. It took a long time and was extremely painful. It would have been a lot less painful to not attempt the friendship. I did get there, though. The funny thing though is that I don't have the feelings for him that I did, and not talking to him doesn't bother me now. However, he is now someone I know I could count on if and when I needed someone in a crisis. Like a friend should be. Anyway, I didn't mean to suggest that as an option - I meant the opposite in fact. I know exactly where you are and how painful it is. The only thing you can focus on right now is the NC and getting on with your own life while he does the same with his. Being his friend is not an option right now - not the way things are, and certainly his W is not going to allow it. Keep posting here. You are in a place where many people have been before. Focus on the fact that there is light at the end of the tunnel. There really is.
goodthingscome Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 What's wrong with remaining best friends? Nothing as long as it goes both ways. He may be your best friend but you were never his. I won't get into his character, as you only see him as a prince charming and until you see the "real" him you won't accept the truth. Losing someone who means alot to you is painful whether it's a valid or illicit relationship and I am sorry for you.
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Imho being friends is not cheating. Honestly can't opposite sex be friends without having an alteroir motive. I mean seriously. Or am I naive. Affair partners cannot break up and then go back to just friends. Impossible. You have feelings for him and all it'll be is an emotional affair. Plus, you are a cancer to his marriage. you'll still be hidden and a secret, not part of his life. You'll never be in his daily life, spending time with him and his wife - Or be invited to family and friends gatherings. It will be a selfish, self serving friendship and it'll prevent you from ever finding someone else. Your heart will NOT accept another man as long as you are besties with him. It won't work.
2sunny Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Imho being friends is not cheating. Honestly can't opposite sex be friends without having an alteroir motive. I mean seriously. Or am I naive. Naive... Mainly because you know you want him but he's married. Respect his M and never contact him again. He hasn't the integrity you claim - he lied and cheated and put his family at risk... He's not the man you're claiming him to be. You're in a fog. Best if you get some help with making life changes for yourself. You need to respect and honor yourself better/more. Things aren't balanced for you - you're considering him more than yourself/ your best interest... Please get help.
Recommended Posts