MoneyWorld Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Thank you. I haven't responded. It's just sitting in my inbox waiting for me. Right now I'm too hurt to respond to him though. Seeing his name pop up on my messenger with an email hurt me. I wasn't ready for that. I need sleep and food, then i'll decide what to say. As the others have said, I'd suggest not sending it. If you need to, write all kinds of emails - sad, angry, whatever you are feeling at the time, but don't send them. Sometimes just the act of getting the thoughts and feelings out will be enough. Look back on those unsent emails whenever you are feeling sad or hurt or angry. One day, you'll read one or more of those emails and think to yourself "wow, I sure was a mess when I wrote this" or "ugh, that would have been embarrassing to send". That's when you know you've healed (or are well underway to being healed). Best of luck.
EmptyHeartGirl Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I may just reply to him and tell him to take care also. It's innocent reply.That will be it. Hurting Tonight, Please ask yourself why you need to reply to tell him, take care or anything else for that matter? Believe me he's fine, he's with his wife. You say you wish him happiness, but what about yours? Why allow him to put you through this emotional roller coaster? If he really cared about you and YOUR happiness he would have left you alone with that first email, and allowed you the opportunity to move forward. His behavior shows that the only person he cares for is himself. Did you think about those questions I asked How do you feel about being the other woman? How do you feel about him choosing his wife over you? I will restate what everyone else has said that you should not respond. At the end of the day you will do what you want, but just know that it will just prolong your unhappiness. You will always be the convenient option to him, and whenever he gets "found out" you will always be the person under the bus...Disposable until he is ready to restart things again with an "I'm sorry, she made me do it email". I wish you the best in whatever decision you make.
Spark1111 Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Thank you. I haven't responded. It's just sitting in my inbox waiting for me. Right now I'm too hurt to respond to him though. Seeing his name pop up on my messenger with an email hurt me. I wasn't ready for that. I need sleep and food, then i'll decide what to say. HT so sorry you found yourself in this situation! I just wanted to lend another perspective. When I discovered my H's affair, I was sooooo hurt, not because he developed feelings for another but because he lied about it to my face every day for over a year. He didn't have to. He could have been honest, told me the truth, and we could have separated; gone to marriage counseling and seen if we had a marriage worth saving, while he pursued his feelings for her and allowed me to date others to see if there was another man out there better suited for me. Why did'nt he do that? because he was selfish and wanted both a wife and another. On dday, I told him don't let the door hit you in the azz you lying blankety-blank. He begged to reconcile and I said it's her or me. I don't share. He wrote the good-bye letter, did the deletion of accounts and all the other things to prove to me it was over. You have a choice here, and I know it hurts, but I hope you choose wisely for yourself. Today was the day for him to leave, declare his love for you and divorce. He did not do that. On some level, he wants his marriage. What do you want? 1
Author hurting tonight Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 For myself I do have to respond to his email. It will be short and simple. It's for me. I'm angry and hurt that he did what he did, I'm not responding at the moment. If he never responds again, it's ok. I'm prepared to never hear from him again.
Spark1111 Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 For myself I do have to respond to his email. It will be short and simple. It's for me. I'm angry and hurt that he did what he did, I'm not responding at the moment. If he never responds again, it's ok. I'm prepared to never hear from him again. HT, my H did something very similiar, very stupid, designed to ensure I would find out. Why? Because he was a coward and did not know how to end it with his OW. He wanted to be caught by me so I could force an end to either his affair, or us. Write whatever you want, but please wait days, a week, a month to send anything. If you still feel the same way, then send it. But do you want what you write to be shared with his wife? Because if my H was serious about reconciling with me, he HAD to show me every text, email and communication she tried or did send to him. There is no other way to restore trust after one has been betrayed than total transparency, and that included everything said, done, sent, and touched between them. 1
TaraMaiden Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I disagree. Sometimes it ends well and sometimes nobody ends up being hurt (at least not by the affair). If the ex affair partner's wife never found the IM's and next month he told her that he just wasn't happy in the marriage and wanted out, then started an above board relationship with his affair partner... Then things work out, nobody gets hurt (by the affair). This is completely irrelevant here, and of no use to the OP, because it doesn't apply to her. A liar has to have a good memory, and in any case, a person who betrays their spouse does irreparable damage to their own integrity. the above is a completely fabricated scenario, and I doubt very much you get one instance in 100 that goes like this. Cheaters either stay with their spouses harbouring this heavy secret - which always seems to come out sooner or later - or they are discovered/reveal the affair. Lying hurts you. You know, even in your own mind, you're a hypocrite, and every loving gaze at your spouse is a complete lie. 3
Author hurting tonight Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 @ Spark, your husband sent his AP an email saying he was sorry for a email he sent to her? Just curious.
stillafool Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 For the life of me I don't get how he could not delete those IM. That's not like him to make such a huge over sight. It's driving me insane because I want to respond to him. Normally I would right away, but I'm terrified to.God forbid his wife found my reply. I just want to tell him to take care. I'm sorry you are in pain. I think he was lying about his W finding those IMs. Like someone else said about your feeling suicidal means there is alot of drama going on between the two of you and I can understand why. When a person has an OW/OM I imagine they do it for the fun of it and perhaps it was becoming too much like work for him. I think he blamed it on the wife in order to have a cooling off period or to end it. Remember, he has lied to his W and will lie to you. For him, his feelings are what's important. 2
Author hurting tonight Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 The suicidal feelings where years ago. it's a long story, and one I would rather not get into. He devastated me years ago. He deleted his FB, he would never do that with out reason, and his email accounts, and pictures off internet, such as photo bucket. His wife found something. She's been snooping for months now. Why he didn't delete the IM, I will never know. We have a long history.
Spark1111 Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 The suicidal feelings where years ago. it's a long story, and one I would rather not get into. He devastated me years ago. He deleted his FB, he would never do that with out reason, and his email accounts, and pictures off internet, such as photo bucket. His wife found something. She's been snooping for months now. Why he didn't delete the IM, I will never know. We have a long history., I sm suggesting, and I could be wrong, that many a cheater, if they do not have the guts to end it themselves, subconciously leave an IM, a text, an email up on the screen for their spouse to find and force their hand. How convenient to now say, my spouse found out and I can no longer talk to you because I must work on my marriage rather than "I no longer want to have a secret relationship with you." I believe my H did this, but your sitch may be different.
neveragain2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Hurting: I know how you feel because I was recently in the same situation. How recently? I'm 42 days into NC. Please please please don't reply to his email. He had no reason to send it. If he were serious about staying in his marriage he would have sent the goodbye email and been done. If he were serious with you he would have used the discovery of the IM's to initiate a separation. I'm not saying he doesn't care about you. Or you him. This is just the reality of the situation. It's a really hard one to accept, no one wants to feel like they are second choice. Lord knows I didn't. But the reality is for that person, you are. It took me a month to delete my xMM. And I'm still not totally done. I delete my fb to reduce the temptation to stalk. I got rid of an email account we had jointly, changed all my passwords to my other accounts (he knew most of those). He's no longer in my speed dial or my recent contacts. I admit, his numbers are still in my phone. I haven't gotten there yet. I don't know why. It's one step at a time. Right before my xMM had his final Dday and broke it off he and I actually had a conversation about our relationship. He was my best friend. But was he really? I had surgery and he couldn't be there. He couldn't give me a ride to the hospital. I couldn't call whenever I wanted. If I were in an accident he couldn't be my emergency contact. If I ever really needed him like you sometimes need your best friend, he couldn't be there right when I needed him. I wanted him to be my best friend. If he were single he would have been. Best friends don't need to hide their relationship. Best friends can call at all hours of the day or night. Best friends will always be there for you no matter what. You probably won't feel better if you respond to the email. And what if he responds? Then what? Is THAT the one you won't respond to? There will always feel like there is unfinished business. It's not like the two of you fought, got pissed, broke up. If feels like you were forced apart. But it wasn't like that. It feels like it, but it wasn't his parents saying he can't date you and as soon as he can he will run away to be with you. It was his wife saying "her or me" and he chose his wife. Period. Write the email. There's a thread on here "post here instead". I've used it. Write the email, post it there. Or start a new thread here. Or just keep posting on this one. Whatever it takes. Stay strong Hurting. You may be hurting tonight, I'm pretty sure you are. And will be again tomorrow, and the next night. But if you hold out you'll get better. If I can do it so can you. If nothing else I will be here to support you. 2
Author hurting tonight Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 I need that last closure to tell him I think you are an incredible person, although this situation is bad, and be well. I want to tell him this. I under stand why you did what you did. I feel I need this, although I'm not sure if he was looking for me to respond.
neveragain2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I know you do. It's horrible. It's a crappy feeling only compounded by the fact that you can't just call him. But why can't you call him? Because he's home with his wife, where he is choosing to be. I still miss my xMM. I do. If he called tomorrow I don't know what I would do. If an email suddenly popped up right this second I would be in a panic. I would want to respond. Would I? I'd like to think no. Possible that I would? yeah. Why do you feel the need to tell him you think he's an incredible person? He knows this. He knows how you feel. Let it go. Let him go. It's awful, it's hard, but you have to do day one of NC eventually. Today is almost over. Do you really want to go thru day one again?
TaraMaiden Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I need that last closure to tell him I think you are an incredible person, although this situation is bad, and be well. I want to tell him this. I under stand why you did what you did. I feel I need this, although I'm not sure if he was looking for me to respond. Closure? Again - read my signature. He cannot, and never will give you closure, whether it's by you contacting him, or by him dealing with you.... The closure can only come from you.
Breathless Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 HT - I'm a FWS who had an A with a MM. My BH found out bc I didn't delete a text msg. xMM was forced to confess to his BW and we have been NC for over a year. I get where you are coming from. I get that you want that final closure to say that regardless if it's over - you only want him to be happy and that you will cherish the time spent with one another. But have you thought about the worse case scenario if you did send the email? Can you imagine yourself checking your emails hundred times a day, your heart skipping a beat whenever you get a text, or holding your breathe every time your phone rings bc you are holding on to that small slither of hope that it would be him? And if/when it's not him, can you imagine the ache in your heart? It's much like the ache that you felt when he said it was over...but worse...bc if he doesn't respond to your email, you can't help but realize that it is HIS CHOICE to not respond to you this time. It's his choice to stay away from you and not his BW. My xMM went NC without a goodbye. The last time we talked was on DDay - he told me that I should get some rest and I have never heard from him again. In the beginning I held onto the thought that he is just being careful and will reach out to me soon enough. But as the days turned into months, I realized that he was gone and by his choice alone not his BW. I still haven't entirely made peace with it in my mind and every now and then I will dream that we do have the goodbye conversation. But even in my dreams - the pain and heartache is there as if it were yesterday! In a nutshell, if you truly do wish for your MM to find peace and happiness then leave him alone. Give him a chance to heal and fight for his marriage. 2
Mount Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Can you imagine the pain that you have to work with the MM , even not seeing him everyday but I try very hard holding on to NC?
Author hurting tonight Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 For my own piece of mind I do need to email him one last time. Why he chose to email me today, I'm not sure. I wont be checking my emails to see if it's him, only because I know in my heart he wont respond. I need to have my last words and to say how I feel. I'll probably answer him tomorrow. I need to do this, for my sanity. My last goodbye.
neveragain2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 If you really feel like you have to email him again no one can stop you and, of course, always do what you feel you need to do. However, remember that the advice you're getting here is from people who have been there. All of us. Some are the betrayed S, some OW, some WS, but we've all been there. We all know from personal experience it's probably a bad idea. You'd be surprised how often you will check your email, if not at first (kinda like a diet, the first few days you're all determined) then after a few days. Especially if he's always caved and contacted you in the past. If a few days, a week, goes by and you haven't heard from him I suspect 'panic' (for lack of a better word) will set in. Please let keep me updated. I am curious to see how it goes.
Trimmer Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 (edited) For myself I do have to respond to his email. It will be short and simple. It's for me. I'm angry and hurt that he did what he did... I think it's worth exploring why you're angry and hurt. I'm not invalidating your feelings - I fully acknowledge that they are real. But I'm wondering if you can explore them a little and ask yourself this: what would you have expected him to do as an alternative? HT, my H did something very similiar, very stupid, designed to ensure I would find out. Why? Because he was a coward and did not know how to end it with his OW. He wanted to be caught by me so I could force an end to either his affair, or us. Yeah, that was my first thought in answer to the question "why didn't he delete the IM's?" To bring things to a head, to force a conclusion, one way or the other. I need that last closure to tell him I think you are an incredible person, although this situation is bad, and be well. I want to tell him this. I under stand why you did what you did. I feel I need this, although I'm not sure if he was looking for me to respond. Actually, I recommend you also tell him: "thanks for the extra Email, apologizing for your earlier Email." This way, when his wife finds your Email, it will make it even more clear to her that he has already (what, in the first 24 hours?) betrayed her again. You see, along with sending that first Email, he almost certainly agreed NEVER, EVER to have contact with you again, as a condition of staying in the marriage and attempting to reconcile. So when he sent you the "sorry about that, take care" Email, it was possible for him to immediately delete the outgoing Email, in order to cover his tracks and hide his new betrayal from her. But when you send your Email, depending on when he actually reads his mail, it will be sitting there in his inbox like a time bomb, waiting for her to find it (as she almost certainly has his passwords by now, also as a condition of reconciling.) So the chances are decent that she will see it before he does. Either way, it's going to cause a ruckus, but he will most likely pass you off as the crazy woman who won't let go. Don't let him throw you under the bus and put the blame on you like that - really, he will - so if you're going to Email him, and she's probably going to find it, be sure to put something in there that makes it clear that he Emailed you first, so you don't come off as the crazy stalker who didn't get the point of the first Email, the "never contact me again" Email. For my own piece of mind I do need to email him one last time. It may not bring you the "peace" you hope for. It may, indeed, make you feel like you're losing a "piece of your mind." Why he chose to email me today, I'm not sure. I wont be checking my emails to see if it's him, only because I know in my heart he wont respond. Actually, when you Email him, you will probably find that you have traded your current agonizing uncertainty (why did he Email me today?) for a shiny, new one: if he doesn't respond, you will be wondering why (even though you think you won't), and if he does respond, no matter what he says, you will be right back to parsing just exactly what it means: Why he chose to email me today, I'm not sure. It won't really be closure either way. Edited July 19, 2012 by Trimmer
Author hurting tonight Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 Thanks for the advice. If I email him, it wont be for a week or 2 to let things settle. 1
Author hurting tonight Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 I wanted to add something. My xmm is not a bad person. He's very sweet, and caring, not an idiot, selfish, or self centered. We where 2 people who met, and clicked, and things happened.
iambookworm Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Do you know why he sent that email? He's fishing. If you reply, he knows that he's still got you in line. From your messages, it seems like this affair has been going on for years. Please do not reply. Please let him go. If he TRULY loved you, he would have divorced his wife several years ago and married you. But he did not. He continuously chose to keep you on the side. He likes that you are always there for him. No matter what he does, you are there for him to say yes to him. His wife is a nagging bitch and he needs you to help him, right? He needs you to talk to. He is a really nice guy, you click, etc etc. Baloney! A lot of us have been through this and please believe us when we say, you need to let go. You need to delete his email and never respond to it. You might say that you need closure but you already have it. He has chosen his wife over and over. And he keeps coming back because he knows you are always waiting in the sidelines. I myself was a OW. I have been in NC for a month now. Like you, he was so nice. He loved me. We clicked on all aspects. I felt like God sent him to me, etc etc. Except, I didn't know he was married. When he broke up with me, I felt so sad and lonely. So my friends and I did some digging and found out he is married. He married her a month before we started dating. My point is, he is not the man for you. Yes, he may seem to be your bestfriend and perfect, but you need to let go. Please. Have pride in yourself. Before you love him, love yourself first. Please. And believe me, he will still send you an email. Whenever you reply, he will keep sending an email. He has kept you in his life this long, he will not let some threats from his wife stop him now.His methods may change slightly so cover his tracks, but he will reply again and again if you do. So stop. Delete his email. And move on with your life. Your closure email? Post it in threads here. Do NOT send him anything. YOU need to stop the pattern. He will not. When you reply, not matter what you say, he has the power. He knows that and will always take advantage. Please stop. If you don't mind. How long have you been together? Has he always been married and did you know this before you started the relationship?
stillafool Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Thanks for the advice. If I email him, it wont be for a week or 2 to let things settle. I think if you are going to email him to tell him good-bye, why wait two weeks for your closure? Do it now and get it over with and be done with it. In two weeks you may miss him too much and might be desperate to see him. If you are able to go 2 weeks of NC why mess it up with a goodbye email to open up communication again and mess up your NC. Again, if you are going to email him do it now and get it behind you.
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