drewnan Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Helo, Iam writing again for my break up from my on-off boyfriend.This time is definetely over, but I wanted to tell you the signs that led me to NC, because I sometimes feel like Im paranoid and that it's all my fault. OK, here it is: 1. he used to call 2-3 maybe more times a day, and we talked like 15-20 min each time. Nowhe only called once at night, for 5 min. 2. we used to hand out all the time, but the last few months he was always busy (the truth is he started a new job that takes away a lot of his time), and he was like: "ok, we ll go out later". Then, I dwait for him to call and he wouldn't call till very late at night, to tell me that he is tired and maybe we should go out another time. I remember my self clinging on the phone during a whole weekend in order to go out... 3. No sex..we used to do it, once a week, but now the times had been reduced maybe once a month...he always said he was busy 4. I had always a feeling I couln't trust him. He was telling me small lies in order not to go out, but to tell you the truth, he has a very demanding job and he is truly a workaholic.. 5. He didn't want me to sleep over him. Sometimes he would tell me lies that his parents are home, in order not to sleep there. 6. He didn't want me to call him boyfriend-girlfriend because he told me that commitments scared him away. He used to tell me not to use these words. 7.No affection. Not the way he used to. All the above have led me to ask me to break up with him, because I felt tortured!But as soon as I started NC he was calling me and telling me that he loves me, that I punish him for something that he didn't do, and that MY ATTEMPTS OF NC MADE HIM TREAT ME LIKE CRAP!!! (you do no contact, I resent you...and I treat you badly) Plz, your opinion!!!!!!its the first time I ve been NC for a week or so...usually, I would get back with him and he d treat me like s**t again, because of NC...
penguin23 Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Don't contact him! He doesn't treat you well. The fact that you say that you had a feeling that you couldn't trust him is a red flag. He shouldn't be treating you like crap no matter what, with or without NC. So when he treats you like crap that should be a reminder of why this guy shouldn't be in your life. He's not going to change his behavior in the long run...it kind of sounds like he just wants to be in control again. Can I ask you how old you are? You mention his parents being home so I was just wondering.
steelgator Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 you contact him once saying that he is not being punished at all. we were'nt boyfriend girlfriend obviously...and what didn't you do? you didn't want to go out with me anymore...you don't want to have sex with me anymore. Tell him this way he can really focus on his work and you can find someone who really wants to spend time with you and would be HONORED to call you their girlfriend.
Author drewnan Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Don't contact him! He doesn't treat you well. The fact that you say that you had a feeling that you couldn't trust him is a red flag. He shouldn't be treating you like crap no matter what, with or without NC. So when he treats you like crap that should be a reminder of why this guy shouldn't be in your life. He's not going to change his behavior in the long run...it kind of sounds like he just wants to be in control again. Can I ask you how old you are? You mention his parents being home so I was just wondering. He is 30..he is a doctor and he spends half of his time at his house and half of his parents...Well, he prefered meeting me at his parents home...Now he is doing his internship in a hospital...Iam so sad...I feel depressed with all these...
Author drewnan Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 you contact him once saying that he is not being punished at all. we were'nt boyfriend girlfriend obviously...and what didn't you do? you didn't want to go out with me anymore...you don't want to have sex with me anymore. Tell him this way he can really focus on his work and you can find someone who really wants to spend time with you and would be HONORED to call you their girlfriend. I still have a small hope he is gonna change...why can't I just let it go??
hopelessromantic29 Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Because you're hoping he'll change his mind about you. Because you're hoping he'll see what a great person you r n want to treat you better. I get it... We've all been there. I've recently learned that I've been dependent on guys to make me happy. N it sounds like you do too. You've gotta be happy with urself.... No man needed. Let them share n basque in your happiness when they're in your life, not take over n completely be it. Bc now that you're gone, you feel like you've lost your happiness. Remember, you are an amazing person n have a lot to offer, so, why would you want to be with someone who undermines you n makes you feel less than that? I'm slowly learning too, but remembering this makes the healing process better.
Author drewnan Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Because you're hoping he'll change his mind about you. Because you're hoping he'll see what a great person you r n want to treat you better. I get it... We've all been there. I've recently learned that I've been dependent on guys to make me happy. N it sounds like you do too. You've gotta be happy with urself.... No man needed. Let them share n basque in your happiness when they're in your life, not take over n completely be it. Bc now that you're gone, you feel like you've lost your happiness. Remember, you are an amazing person n have a lot to offer, so, why would you want to be with someone who undermines you n makes you feel less than that? I'm slowly learning too, but remembering this makes the healing process better. Thank you for your response...I feel that I put up so many things during this relationship and I really love that guy, although I am i love with the guy I used to know several years ago...I am in love with a fantasy... Anyways...the main thing I feel right now is anger towards myself... I have many friends but I really feel the loss and pain from it...but I couldn't let him treat me this way...
Author drewnan Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Thank you for your response...I feel that I put up so many things during this relationship and I really love that guy, although I am i love with the guy I used to know several years ago...I am in love with a fantasy... Anyways...the main thing I feel right now is anger towards myself... I have many friends but I really feel the loss and pain from it...but I couldn't let him treat me this way... What really bothers me is that I have this little "what if???" in my mind? What if he changes, what if he realizes, what if what if... How can I stop living in a dream world??How can I learn to let go?it seems unbearable to me..:-(
yogamobb Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Im going through the same thing. My girl broke me off suddenly but after reflection , it wasn't so sudden. The affection tapered off, her response time to texts got longer and longer. She started hanging with girlfriends more etc...It can be hard to move on but you must. do whatever it takes to keep your dignity intact.
Author drewnan Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Im going through the same thing. My girl broke me off suddenly but after reflection , it wasn't so sudden. The affection tapered off, her response time to texts got longer and longer. She started hanging with girlfriends more etc...It can be hard to move on but you must. do whatever it takes to keep your dignity intact. Its really one of the hardest things I 've ever done.. I know that if I go through this, I 'll become very strong but I feel I don't have the strength right now. Somehow, he forced me to go NC because I couldn't continue that anymore. So, basically, I didn't leave him, he did.. He called again a few minutes ago, but I didn't answer it. It really hurts because I know that he wants me to answer it but I know it's wrong..What if he continues? I feel a very bad person right now...As I am writing this, he called again...OMG... 1
Author drewnan Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Iam in a really bad state right now...cannot do it..I am feeling soo depressed...Like I failed...How could things turn out so badly?he used to treat me so nice..
yogamobb Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I feel you, I got texts from my ex this weekend. It was just her fishing and seeing if she still had an affect on me. Very selfish act. Its bad enough they broke up with us, now they want to use us to cope and stroke their egos. Hang in there!! Im here if you need to talk.
Author drewnan Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 I feel you, I got texts from my ex this weekend. It was just her fishing and seeing if she still had an affect on me. Very selfish act. Its bad enough they broke up with us, now they want to use us to cope and stroke their egos. Hang in there!! Im here if you need to talk. Thank you very much...I am here for you too.We must think about what's good for us in the long run...I don't want to get hurt again...I feel emotionally abused. It hurts like hell though:( I don't feel the loss of my relationship but also of what could have been. Dreams, our lives together. I guess I' m too romantic. He was like "I don't have time for love. I have my patients to take care of." Guess he chose his way of living..
Samilia Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 6. He didn't want me to call him boyfriend-girlfriend because he told me that commitments scared him away. He used to tell me not to use these words. Ah, I was going to guess he told you he didn't believe in such labels, but I guess he chose another stereotype of a bad excuse. One thing he was right about though, you weren't his girlfriend; what a way to treat a person, you're better off without him that's for sure. Or is that the way you think a boyfriend should treat you? Of course not. Your story smells like the booty call big time, and even that he got tired of it apparently. No one likes to be called a booty call, but that's really what comes to mind. He won't change, he's an @sshole, he won't wake up one day thinking "oh I really like that girl now!". He won't realize what a good catch you are, another guy will, and that's great new for you. That "ex" of yours really isn't a catch at all, he's a big fat lump. Respect yourself more, what is that? Why do you allow someone to treat you that way? Wake up, get better, for the simple reason that you CAN, and will, get way better. Provided that you open your eyes.
Author drewnan Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Ah, I was going to guess he told you he didn't believe in such labels, but I guess he chose another stereotype of a bad excuse. One thing he was right about though, you weren't his girlfriend; what a way to treat a person, you're better off without him that's for sure. Or is that the way you think a boyfriend should treat you? Of course not. Your story smells like the booty call big time, and even that he got tired of it apparently. No one likes to be called a booty call, but that's really what comes to mind. He won't change, he's an @sshole, he won't wake up one day thinking "oh I really like that girl now!". He won't realize what a good catch you are, another guy will, and that's great new for you. That "ex" of yours really isn't a catch at all, he's a big fat lump. Respect yourself more, what is that? Why do you allow someone to treat you that way? Wake up, get better, for the simple reason that you CAN, and will, get way better. Provided that you open your eyes. Thank you for your renponse. The thing that bothers me more is that he used to treat me like queen..I know him for about 6-7 years and you cannot believe how much he has changed.. He used to be another person..Deep inside me I hope he will become the good old guy I knew.. The hardest part is that I 've tried everything: from being a b***h to really being the perfect girl.. he won't change. I love him so much, but I began to lose myself with all these...I cannot except the fact that no matter what, he is like that right now.. I guess it has to do with my self-confidence and with the fact that he doesn't want a relationship. I know I cannot force him to be in one, but I don't know how to get out of it emotionally..
Samilia Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Thank you for your renponse. The thing that bothers me more is that he used to treat me like queen..I know him for about 6-7 years and you cannot believe how much he has changed.. He used to be another person..Deep inside me I hope he will become the good old guy I knew.. The hardest part is that I 've tried everything: from being a b***h to really being the perfect girl.. he won't change. I love him so much, but I began to lose myself with all these...I cannot except the fact that no matter what, he is like that right now.. I guess it has to do with my self-confidence and with the fact that he doesn't want a relationship. I know I cannot force him to be in one, but I don't know how to get out of it emotionally.. Ahm hello... don't buy the "self confidence - I don't want label" bs excuse. How to get out of it emotionally is easy, break up, don't get involved, go on living your own life. Sometimes we have no say in what happens in our life, people die, not a thing we can do about it. But most of the time we have a say in what happens; we can go back to school, quit an addiction, leave a bad boyfriend. All it requires is will, probably a bit of balls too. We have a say, and no valid excuse not to decide to be better, to do better.
Author drewnan Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Ahm hello... don't buy the "self confidence - I don't want label" bs excuse. How to get out of it emotionally is easy, break up, don't get involved, go on living your own life. Sometimes we have no say in what happens in our life, people die, not a thing we can do about it. But most of the time we have a say in what happens; we can go back to school, quit an addiction, leave a bad boyfriend. All it requires is will, probably a bit of balls too. We have a say, and no valid excuse not to decide to be better, to do better. I can honestly relate to all this, but only when I put logic ahead.. emotionally, I feel it's too much for me..of course I know you 're right. It's like an obsession developing, I put on so much effort, and now I must leave because he forced me to. He opened the door with his behavior. I didn't break up with him. He did my life a living hell so I had no option. I cannot be friends with him anymore. That's why the NC..
yogamobb Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Thank you for your renponse. The thing that bothers me more is that he used to treat me like queen..I know him for about 6-7 years and you cannot believe how much he has changed.. He used to be another person..Deep inside me I hope he will become the good old guy I knew.. The hardest part is that I 've tried everything: from being a b***h to really being the perfect girl.. he won't change. I love him so much, but I began to lose myself with all these...I cannot except the fact that no matter what, he is like that right now.. I guess it has to do with my self-confidence and with the fact that he doesn't want a relationship. I know I cannot force him to be in one, but I don't know how to get out of it emotionally.. It will take some time. There aren't any magic answers or methods. The one thing that will help for sure is to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. The extra stress will wreck you if you let it. Exercise, do yoga, join the gym, take karate, read, meditate etc. Do something good for YOURSELF everyday. It will help. It will get better.
Samilia Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I can honestly relate to all this, but only when I put logic ahead.. emotionally, I feel it's too much for me..of course I know you 're right. It's like an obsession developing, I put on so much effort, and now I must leave because he forced me to. He opened the door with his behavior. I didn't break up with him. He did my life a living hell so I had no option. I cannot be friends with him anymore. That's why the NC.. When you say "he forced me to" it implies a rational and healthy reason behind his behavior, when really there isn't. Stop making excuses for who he has become, who he is. Doesn't matter what people meant to do, meant to be, wanted to be; what matter is what they are, in the now. I agree that it's not easy to walk away from someone you're in love with, however what can help you is to realize that it's not what love is supposed to be.
Author drewnan Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 When you say "he forced me to" it implies a rational and healthy reason behind his behavior, when really there isn't. Stop making excuses for who he has become, who he is. Doesn't matter what people meant to do, meant to be, wanted to be; what matter is what they are, in the now. I agree that it's not easy to walk away from someone you're in love with, however what can help you is to realize that it's not what love is supposed to be. Now that you say that, I think that many of us mix love with painful feelings...I mean, I have thought that love is supposed to be something beautiful and healthy, but instead of this, in real life, I have connected love with pain and disrespect. The more he treats me badly, the more I try to change it and keep him close..and as soon as I see that it doesn't make a difference (same old crappy behavior), I start blaming myself that I don't try too much, that I do something wrong...and it's eating me inside. I also blame MYSELF that he had changed, that I did something wrong. I need to realize that he is who he is right now, no excuses.
StrangeBehaviors Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Once a week was acceptable?! When you were at once a week, was the sex good for both of you?
Author drewnan Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Once a week was acceptable?! When you were at once a week, was the sex good for both of you? For me it wasn't, but it was ok.. We never had any problems with sex, except the fact that I wanted more:o
Samilia Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Now that you say that, I think that many of us mix love with painful feelings...I mean, I have thought that love is supposed to be something beautiful and healthy, but instead of this, in real life, I have connected love with pain and disrespect. The more he treats me badly, the more I try to change it and keep him close..and as soon as I see that it doesn't make a difference (same old crappy behavior), I start blaming myself that I don't try too much, that I do something wrong...and it's eating me inside. I also blame MYSELF that he had changed, that I did something wrong. I need to realize that he is who he is right now, no excuses. I used to compete for the affection of my father, I used to feel that I wasn't good enough. So in return I used to be attracted by this kind of men too. Now years have gone by and I realized that my father was not the god I used to think he was when I was younger. He's actually pretty pathetic. I still love him, he's still my father, but the blindness is gone. I now date men who respect me, or that I will leave on the spot if I don't get respect. I have become self confident, I don't wait for anybody's approval to be who I am. I have always been that way though, don't get me wrong, I just acted different around the man in my life. Once you understand that you have to be kind to yourself, and put it in practice, it becomes easier, you will draw a different crowd to you too. To put it simply, life will be good, or better. Life is still full of misery, that's why there is not need to add to the load if you don't have to. Don't let anybody, man or woman, dictate who you should be. Be true to yourself and kind to others. Kind doesn't mean naive, it just means kind. Be ferocious to anybody else, life is short, don't let them steal it from you.
StrangeBehaviors Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 For me it wasn't, but it was ok.. We never had any problems with sex, except the fact that I wanted more:o Understood. Everyone has different sex drives and what not. I'm older than the person you are conversing about and still prefer twice a day with the right partner early on. Then commonly slow to once a day on average. I guess I just azz-u-me incorrectly that anyone younger would be doing it more.
Author drewnan Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 I used to compete for the affection of my father, I used to feel that I wasn't good enough. So in return I used to be attracted by this kind of men too. Now years have gone by and I realized that my father was not the god I used to think he was when I was younger. He's actually pretty pathetic. I still love him, he's still my father, but the blindness is gone. I now date men who respect me, or that I will leave on the spot if I don't get respect. I have become self confident, I don't wait for anybody's approval to be who I am. I have always been that way though, don't get me wrong, I just acted different around the man in my life. Once you understand that you have to be kind to yourself, and put it in practice, it becomes easier, you will draw a different crowd to you too. To put it simply, life will be good, or better. Life is still full of misery, that's why there is not need to add to the load if you don't have to. Don't let anybody, man or woman, dictate who you should be. Be true to yourself and kind to others. Kind doesn't mean naive, it just means kind. Be ferocious to anybody else, life is short, don't let them steal it from you. Samilia, these were words of wisdom...I need to put in practice to be kind to myself. I don't know how, but it makes total sense.
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