xxoo Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Intimacy is my goal. Or has been. I've been in love and I want that again. It didn't happen before by having casual sex!! Unfortunately for me... the guys who 'get' that stayed married. I made a bad choice of husbands, so here I am. Stuck in this dating pool where people think that intimacy comes from screwing strangers. Then there are the guys who made bad choices of wives, and they are out there looking for the real thing. I know a few of them--great guys, badly burned, walls up. If you have your walls up, and they have their walls up, you'll never connect. Someone has to have the guts to be vulnerable.
Author RedRobin Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 (edited) Why not try taking the "rule" out of it and just go with the flow? If he makes the move on you, tell him you aren't ready and would like to reserve sex for a committed relationship. No defensiveness, no anger, no accusation. Just tell him politely and kindly... "You know I'm VERY attracted to you too, and I'm sure it would be a lot of fun, but I'm just not ready for that yet. Are you ok with this?" Then see what he says. You can stick with your boundaries without making a man feel shut-down or rejected, or that he's WRONG for wanting sex with you. IRL, I do all of that... no defensiveness, no anger, no accusation. I don't make him wrong. I'm very polite and even kind and understanding. Even though you are seeing the flip side here on LS (and the flip side is anger at our culture... not anger at HIM personally)... I'm very gracious and understanding about it IRL. But he, for all intents and purposes, is emotionally dead for me. The same way alot of guys don't want a girl who is 'easy' for a relationship. I'm exactly the same way. I agree it would be 'wrong' to be mad at someone because of how they were brought up or how they were trained to be. Except I know all men aren't 'trained' to be like this. (Edited: His house is about an hour away. If I'm coming over for a movie, it is probably a long drive home... so no, there will be no movie at his house). If I decide to keep seeing him, I'll suggest something else for our next date and see what he says... Edited July 23, 2012 by RedRobin
Author RedRobin Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 Then there are the guys who made bad choices of wives, and they are out there looking for the real thing. I know a few of them--great guys, badly burned, walls up. If you have your walls up, and they have their walls up, you'll never connect. Someone has to have the guts to be vulnerable. Serious question. Are those guys pushing for sex on the 3rd date?
xxoo Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Serious question. Are those guys pushing for sex on the 3rd date? Define "pushing". Going for it? Yes. Dumping a woman who wants to go slower? No, not if he sees potential for a relationship with her.
Author RedRobin Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 So, I guess you're not going to put out then huh? I haven't decided. Lemme ponder this for a second... If I did (put out), I wouldn't want to date him... AND I'd get sucked into this group drama. I think no.. not putting out. I'm thinking time to back away from this one... If I'm going to have casual sex, it will be with a REAL stranger.. not someone I've told my last name to, talked about place of employment... etc, etc. No need to be stupid about it if I'm going to 'go there'. *shrug* Guess we solved this one!
MrNate 2.0 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I still think you should put out. If anything, just to calm you down a bit. 1
Drseussgrrl Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Haha I agree with Nate on this one. Go for it RR. Just get laid. You might have a whole new perspective on this after!
Author RedRobin Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 (edited) I still think you should put out. If anything, just to calm you down a bit. Ha ha... The thought crossed my mind... But if I'm going to have casual sex with a stranger, I'll do it with a REAL stranger... he's not a total stranger anymore. He knows my last name and where I work. Plus, there are places I like to hang out where we met. If I'm going to end things or cool it off, I need to not mess with him. Hmm... on the other hand... I could just have sex with him and make it HIS idea to stop seeing me. We'll have sex, and then I'll start doing all the things guys HATE so he'll dump me. I'll cry, and complain about my *ss looking fat, I'll text/call him like 5 times a day... I'll ask lots of personal questions... look through his phone. shyte... I gots me a new strategy! It would be JUST my luck if that attracted the guy though... Edited July 23, 2012 by RedRobin
Radu Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Yea, I get it... 'put out' or else... So far, I've taken the 'or else' with guys who have the standard strategy or need to test me that way. I'm still debating the other path. The one I mentioned above. I don't think you get it, i wrote what i wrote to help you empathise. I know your other path quite well, i considered it too. It was last yr, when i joined this site for some perspective and to help me empathise [mellow down], not blame the women for what a small subset of their gender did to me. Someone said that it's not them, it's you ... weather you believe it or not, it is you, as it was me. That's what i was trying to tell you with my post, that you can't control how others will act but you can control how others perceive you, that's why your only way of solving this is by changing yourself, and your guy friends were spot on with it but they didn't take it too far. As a woman, do you like to feel needed, wanted by your man ?
Author RedRobin Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 (edited) I don't think you get it, i wrote what i wrote to help you empathise. I know your other path quite well, i considered it too. It was last yr, when i joined this site for some perspective and to help me empathise [mellow down], not blame the women for what a small subset of their gender did to me. Someone said that it's not them, it's you ... weather you believe it or not, it is you, as it was me. That's what i was trying to tell you with my post, that you can't control how others will act but you can control how others perceive you, that's why your only way of solving this is by changing yourself, and your guy friends were spot on with it but they didn't take it too far. As a woman, do you like to feel needed, wanted by your man ? Of course they were spot on with it. That's why they are my friends :love: There is nothing about watching a movie at his house on the 3rd date when I hardly know him that makes me feel wanted or needed. Neither one of us are idiots or children. I know exactly what it means. Maybe that is what I'm so pissed about. No, pissed isn't the right word. Disappointed. I'm trying not to feel that way. The more I talk (write) about this... the more I don't even want to suggest any other kind of get together. I just want to say I don't think it's going to work when he calls again... Edited July 23, 2012 by RedRobin
Radu Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Of course they were spot on with it. That's why they are my friends :love: There is nothing about watching a movie at his house on the 3rd date when I hardly know him that makes me feel wanted or needed. Neither one of us are idiots or children. I know exactly what it means. Maybe that is what I'm so pissed about. No, pissed isn't the right word. Disappointed. I'm trying not to feel that way. The more I talk (write) about this... the more I don't even want to suggest any other kind of get together. I just want to say I don't think it's going to work when he calls again... Ok, what exactly don't you like about the 3rd date being at his house ? What dissapoints you about this ?
MrNate 2.0 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Ha ha... The thought crossed my mind... But if I'm going to have casual sex with a stranger, I'll do it with a REAL stranger... he's not a total stranger anymore. He knows my last name and where I work. Plus, there are places I like to hang out where we met. If I'm going to end things or cool it off, I need to not mess with him. Hmm... on the other hand... I could just have sex with him and make it HIS idea to stop seeing me. We'll have sex, and then I'll start doing all the things guys HATE so he'll dump me. I'll cry, and complain about my *ss looking fat, I'll text/call him like 5 times a day... I'll ask lots of personal questions... look through his phone. shyte... I gots me a new strategy! It would be JUST my luck if that attracted the guy though... Looks like there's only one way to find out.
MrNate 2.0 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Of course they were spot on with it. That's why they are my friends :love: There is nothing about watching a movie at his house on the 3rd date when I hardly know him that makes me feel wanted or needed. Neither one of us are idiots or children. I know exactly what it means. Maybe that is what I'm so pissed about. No, pissed isn't the right word. Disappointed. I'm trying not to feel that way. The more I talk (write) about this... the more I don't even want to suggest any other kind of get together. I just want to say I don't think it's going to work when he calls again... So at what number date would it have been ok for this? 5? 6? 8?
Author RedRobin Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 Ok, what exactly don't you like about the 3rd date being at his house ? What dissapoints you about this ? This... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/334230-second-date-his-place Check out the comments... oh, and this... http://www.aclasscorp.com/media/2126/nistsp960-12-timersstopwatches.pdf Especially that last one... Few things are more charming than being put on the 'sex clock' after talking to them, oh, a few hours... At this stage, I believe I'll be backing off and telling him I need to get to know him and the group a bit better... I just don't know him well enough. If I need casual or quick sex, I know where to go...
Lonely Ronin Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 This... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/334230-second-date-his-place Check out the comments... http://www.aclasscorp.com/media/2126/nistsp960-12-timersstopwatches.pdf So you assume because he invited you over all he wants is sex? Also are you just assuming this because he is a guy, or does something in his personality throw up a red flag? If it's his personality why are you seeing him at all?
Author RedRobin Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 So you assume because he invited you over all he wants is sex? Yep. Mostly. Uh huh. Also are you just assuming this because he is a guy, Yep. or does something in his personality throw up a red flag? If it's his personality why are you seeing him at all? Well, except for the gossip about his riding group, the only major red flag is him asking me to come to his place for a movie when I hardly know him. soo... I'm thinking at this point, I won't do anything. I expect he'll be calling soon. Right now, I'm not inclined to accept a third date. We'll see what he says though.
Author RedRobin Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 (edited) ...................... Thanks for the suggestions everyone. This helped me think things through... I think the last thing I need is to give him and his biker buddies anything to talk about. Not that I really care. It does kind of gross me out though. Oh well. I gave him a shot and he blew it. That's too bad. Edited July 24, 2012 by RedRobin
MrNate 2.0 Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 ...................... Thanks for the suggestions everyone. This helped me think things through... I think the last thing I need is to give him and his biker buddies anything to talk about. Not that I really care. It does kind of gross me out though. Oh well. I gave him a shot and he blew it. That's too bad. Sounds like you're trying to convince yourself, instead of us. Go. Tap. That. Ass.
Author RedRobin Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 Sounds like you're trying to convince yourself, instead of us. Go. Tap. That. Ass. You're cute... Naah, I always like it when people have some resolution on their threads... or let people know what their conclusions were. I'm remembering some other experiences with other groups where things start to get icky when you are new. The claws come out in the women... and all the men want to take a 'turn'. No thanks. PASS!! ... Moral of the story... Don't get involved with people personally until you get a chance to observe them for awhile. It's not like I don't have any friends... I don't NEED to hang out with this bunch. He just seemed attractive and steady (at the time). Anyway, I need to keep my distance for awhile.
xxoo Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 ...................... Thanks for the suggestions everyone. This helped me think things through... I think the last thing I need is to give him and his biker buddies anything to talk about. Not that I really care. It does kind of gross me out though. Oh well. I gave him a shot and he blew it. That's too bad. RR, your argument is that he barely knows you. Well, you barely know him, too. You have no idea if he is a good guy or a bad guy. What would you have to lose by getting to know him more, before deciding he is a bad guy based on inviting you to his place early on? Decline the date at his home, and counter with a more acceptable date. What do you have to lose?
MrNate 2.0 Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 You're cute... Naah, I always like it when people have some resolution on their threads... or let people know what their conclusions were. I'm remembering some other experiences with other groups where things start to get icky when you are new. The claws come out in the women... and all the men want to take a 'turn'. No thanks. PASS!! ... Moral of the story... Don't get involved with people personally until you get a chance to observe them for awhile. It's not like I don't have any friends... I don't NEED to hang out with this bunch. He just seemed attractive and steady (at the time). Anyway, I need to keep my distance for awhile. Just go on the date. 1
Forever Silent Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 My suggestion would be to tell him that: "I like you, but at the moment I feel uncormfortable going to your house for a movie. If you would like, I would like to continue to go out to dinner(or whatever activity you enjoy together) until we get to know each other better." If he declines, I would walk. If he accepts, then continue dating until you are ready for movies at his house. Or an alternative is to have the movie showing at your house, then you can send him home right after it is over lol. Your House, Your Rules!
Lonely Ronin Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Yep. Mostly. Uh huh. Yep. The minimum 10 characters.
Emilia Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 I guess that's because I been lied to a lot of my life about things that I have a zero tolerance for lies even little white ones. Well think about this you are concerned with "fragile ego" well imagine the reaction after realizing they have been lied to. It will be a more intense reaction than telling the truth from the beginning. Everyone gets lied to and some people go through life preferring it that way. Hell, I'd go as far as saying MOST prefer it to stay that way.
Emilia Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 ...................... Thanks for the suggestions everyone. This helped me think things through... I think the last thing I need is to give him and his biker buddies anything to talk about. Not that I really care. It does kind of gross me out though. Oh well. I gave him a shot and he blew it. That's too bad. I don't understand why you care so much about what others think. If it's such a big deal to you, you should not date men from your friends' circle but seek them outside your usual group. It's harder that way, but if you are this private, it will work for you better.
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