kandee Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 (edited) I'm in a strange situation, and wasn't even sure under what category to post it under but i've decided on here, because it feels like a full out breakup to me. I known 'my' guy for a little over 4 years, for 4 years we've had something, but he has never actually been my boyfriend boyfriend. He has always been the pursuer in our relationship. We dated for a while during that first year, but I decided I didn't want to take that route with him, so we just stayed friends, and we've stayed friends all these years, except we go through periods of on and off times. Sometimes it's more a romantic relationship, other times it's more a friendship, and we've even gone periods of time with no contact. Every off period has mostly been my doing, because he has always wanted something more serious with me and i've always held back (mostly because I felt like we were at different periods in our life, he's only a couple years younger than me, but our goals for the moment never really felt lined up to me). No matter what we've always found our way back to each other. We have always had a connection. We have a relationship in a way that every single time we go out alone together, we act as if we're a couple. We always have fun together, we get along amazing. We flirt openly around others. We talk or text every single day. We get along with our families and he's actually pretty integrated in mine. It's because of these reasons, that my feelings for him these past few months has grown, a lot. Except now I found he was involved with a married woman for a handful of months. I suddenly feel like I don't even know him. I know the woman, she has never liked me. She is a very obviously unhappily married woman, she lets anyone who will hear her know. She dresses in a way that you know she likes and wants attention, however, who she is or isn't I don't really think matters, what matters to me is that he got involved with her. I guess what happened was... they had an affair, during those months, I went out with him 4 times, the last two times I could tell he was distant. He apparently (and they both agree on this part of the story) wanted out, but she's not over him, so she went and told someone what was happening, and sh*t hit the fan, basically. That's how I found out. And the news came after a very lovely 3 day weekend we spent hanging out together, where I basically decided I wanted to bare his children. It came at the worst possible time. He denied it to me at first (which just made everything worse imo), but days later, he started confessing, and little by little, he'd let more out, until last week, when we talked for hours and he basically told me how he's been lonely lately, how he never felt I took him seriously, how he's told me he loves me but I've never said I love you back, how she said all the right things, and so on and so on. (I should add, when he brought our relationship up I told him to not even go there, because I want nothing to do with his actions, those are all his) I've been torn on this since it all came out. Some days I can talk to him 'normal', like friends, and I try to talk things out with him, and other days I just want to send him to hell, for even getting involved in something so horrible. He's apologized (to everyone involved as well as myself), tells me how horrible he feels for what transpired, keeps asking me to please give us a chance, not right now but in the future, how he's willing to work on issues that lead to this, and I honestly don't know how I feel. It really depends on the day or the hour. I feel like I should know better, like I just just stay away from him for good, and then sometimes I think of how we've always had such a sweet, nice connection that I get all confused. All I know is that for right now I want nothing, but then i'll think of the future and it all starts again. Even just typing this out right now I feel better, as I have no one around me to really talk it out with because no one around me 'gets it', so to speak. I guess I really needed to vent. This situation sucks and has completely made me feel outside of myself lately. Edited July 18, 2012 by kandee
KatZee Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 What exactly do you feel the worst about? That he was with someone else? That it was with a married woman? That it was with a woman who hates you? He was never your boyfriend despite all of this back and forth over the years, so I really don't think you can sit around feeling "betrayed" or "cheated on." He was right. You've never taken him seriously, he's shown you for QUITE SOME TIME (and honestly I don't know too many guys who would sit around and pursue for FOUR YEARS). He's told you time and time again he wanted something more with you and you said "No, no, no" all this time. Those were for your own reasons, and that's fine. But now all of a sudden you feel you want to "bear his children" and you feel he should be falling all over himself to be with you and that he'd just be waiting in the wings being "faithful" to you and refraining from any and all interaction with other women just "in case" you ever came around? That's not how it works. He got involved with someone else. He didn't do anything wrong (to you). The situation was messed up between them, but it's over now, he didn't want that, neither did she. They had a fling (and be honest... this really isn't that "taboo" anymore. Not saying this is right, but affairs go on left and right.) Even after all of this, he STILL wants to work it out with you, you've wanted to have his kids, but now it's just another excuse not to be serious with him. I feel like you're really jerking this guy around. Either commit to him, or stop with the back and forth. He obviously loves you and wants to be with you, and you seem really wishy washy with the whole thing. Make a decision and stick to it.
Author kandee Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Actually, I don't really feel cheated on, because it really wasn't.. mostly I feel like he's a liar and not the type of person I've known him to be all along. That is what really is getting to me. I should also say he has had a (not serious) girlfriend or two during these years, we've always been clear about things like that.. except this time, where he was lying left and right to cover his tracks.
KatZee Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Actually, I don't really feel cheated on, because it really wasn't.. mostly I feel like he's a liar and not the type of person I've known him to be all along. That is what really is getting to me. I should also say he has had a (not serious) girlfriend or two during these years, we've always been clear about things like that.. except this time, where he was lying left and right to cover his tracks. He lied because it's something he's not proud of and he's ashamed of it. He didn't necessarily lie to HURT you. I'm sure after four years and all of the information you've told each other throughout these four years, you can't just automatically say you "don't know him anymore" and that he's a "liar" if this is the first time he's tried hiding something from you. Not only is it something that he's embarrassed about, this news can travel fast. Maybe him and this woman wanted to keep it under wraps just so her husband didn't find out, and I'm sure your friend didn't want people looking at him and judging him. There are so many reasons why he tried to keep this covered up.
Author kandee Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 Oh, i realize it's something embarrassing on his part, and I can understand not saying anything but despite all my days of thinking and trying to be positive, I just can't. I think what it is, is that the person I knew wouldn't get involved with a married woman. Now I realize it's common and sh*t happens, but that to me just tells me what type of person he is, and if I were to take things with him to an official level, who's to say he wouldn't get involved in something so shady again? I just feel like I can't trust him. I guess i'm mourning what will now never be.
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