Immortal Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 I'm going to try and make the summary as quick as possible: I have dated this wonderful girl for the first 2 years of college. The first year we were inseperable--did everything together. It was almost unhealthy. We got together right as college began, RIGHT after she had broken up with her boyfriend of 4 years. This last quarter of school we grew apart. Before we spent all our free time together, but I joined a club that required a heavy time committment. And soon enough, we would see each other maybe once every other day for a couple of hours, maybe spend the night together. You have to understand, we had this brilliant connection. We related on everything. Fast forward to this past May...I yelled at her one day stupidly about spending time with me when I wanted to spend time with the guys in my club. She started crying, and we broke up. The following week, we get back together. This is off and on until 2 weekends ago, when she makes out with another guy at a party. We then break up soon afterwards. Now, she tells me that she's been in a relationship for 6 continious years now, and she wants time to be single and see other people. She is planning on studying abroad next year, so I told her that we would have the time to be single then. Yet she insists that her whole heart won't be in the relationship until she's had time away from me. She wants to be single...independent...find herself. The common cliche is that you don't realize what you have until it's gone. And this holds so true for me. This past week we've been broken up for real, and she has made little to no attempt to contact me. She is hanging out with friends a lot, having a good time seemingly, and is going on a trip to Mexico next weekend. I on the other hand, am physically sick from this. I can't eat, sleep, or function properly. My parents are worried sick about me because I look clinically depressed. Yet here's my idea...she mentioned to a friend that she wanted a month off to figure out what she wanted in life. And I'm thinking that from now until the end of July, I will try to end all contact with her, even though it's so difficult for me. And at the end of the month, with her friends' help, I am going to serenade her by singing one of her favorite songs with candles and roses nearby. I just want to know if you guys think this is a good idea and a legitimate possibiliity. I know I should allow her to date other people, but I held our relationship with high regard, and if she sleeps with someone else, I couldn't be happy with her again. It's just the way I am. Also, do you think she could forget about me in the next 3 weeks if I stop all contact with her? Thanks so much and I'll keep you guys updated on the situation. -John
Sparky Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 Well man... I have to hand it to you, you're really crazy about this girl. Don't worry, I've been here. We guys are all a little self-centred because we don't know what we have until we loose it. It makes us sick to think the person we love is sleeping with someone. That's love/insulation, man. As for your idea... I admire how romantic you can be, but this is pretty far fetched. It seems like you watch a lot of love movies. Even though it may work in the movies, doesn't mean it will work in real life. What if she's seeing someone she's crazy about? She's not going to leave him for a declaration of love! Women don't work that way. They are very complicated. If you avoid all contact with her, it will pull you to apart even more. She could completely forget about you. THIS IS NOT A SMART IDEA if you're still crazy about her! You need to give her some space and air to breathe. Keep talking to her! Let her know you still exist! Just don't beg, mooch, or make her feel uncomfortable. This will force her to react, and that's not a good position to be in! Make sure you two are still friends. If you follow with this idea, and if she realizes that the dating didn't go so well, then guess who she's gonna run to? YOU! Hey man, I'm only seventeen, and I don't know this girl, but I just think your idea will backfire on you.
Author Immortal Posted July 8, 2004 Author Posted July 8, 2004 Hey man, Thanks for the reply. Serenading her, in my opinion, isn't THAT far-fetched. I've always been kind of a romantic guy to her, yet I've never sung to her. It may not work, you're right, but I guess attempting one last shot is better than another month of regret and wondering what could have been. At least I'll know that I honestly tried. I don't think she'll forget about me realistically, but I am going to give her the time she needs to breathe. And if she needs me to be there, I will be. But nothing more. I don't think she's going to go out and date someone this month, although I could be mistaken. And naturally, if I find out that she is seeing another guy, I will not go through with my plans. But otherwise...I don't know...you gotta think to yourself that if you don't do this, you may live with regret for a long time. And that is the worst feeling, because I am feeling that now.
Sparky Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 Serenating her may not be far fetched, you're right, but it's a big step. ANYTHING is realistic. I learned that the hard way. If you read "A LONG Crush..." in borth the General Relationship and the Coping section, you'll see what I had to go through. I had all my hopes up that I'd be with this girl, but when I opened my heart, she said she was never interested in me and that she was recently seeing someone, and I was positive that she was single. But the good thing is that we are friends. So if somehow the person she's with doesn't work out as planned, I'm always there for her, even if that means I can't be with her. The best thing you can do know is be her friend and support her in what she does. You can still be romantic if she's not with you, but you just have to be careful and not push her away. I'm just saying you have to look at ALL the possibilities before you take action.
Strontium Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 Immortal, my friend, if there was any justice in the world, then your plan would be a success. Alas, this is a cruel world, and I fear you would end up being rejected again. But, if you think it's worth a shot, go for out. There's a small chance it would work, but I would guess a bigger chance it will alienate her further. Those aren't good odds. I know it's hard, but I would suggest forgetting about this girl and moving on with your life. If she forgets about you after a month apart, or sleeps with another guy, then she clearly isn't worth bothering about. The fact that she kissed another guy while going out with you should make you very reluctant to have her back at all. I really don't think she deserves you. Even if she does come back to you, she's going abroad for a year, and that sort of thing is very rarely a recipe for a successful relationship. It's naive to think that you will be able to sustain a relationship over that period. Leave her behind, and enjoy yourself. Do what she is doing and meet some new people. If, at the end of the road, you two come back together and realise that you are best together, that's great. If not, well, you will find someone else. Strontium
hurtingandconfused Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 If you avoid all contact with her, it will pull you to apart even more. I totally disagree with this. Make sure you two are still friends. If you follow with this idea, and if she realizes that the dating didn't go so well, then guess who she's gonna run to? YOU! Love/life shouldn't be like this. You can still be romantic if she's not with you, but you just have to be careful and not push her away. You can never be romantic to anyone that is not with you. Give her the space she wants. Do not talk to her, and do not feed her ego by singing a song expressing your love to her. You guys broke up, if she decides to come back and you accept her apology then so it be it. Until then, forget her and try to move on.
Author Immortal Posted July 9, 2004 Author Posted July 9, 2004 Originally posted by Strontium Immortal, my friend, if there was any justice in the world, then your plan would be a success. Alas, this is a cruel world, and I fear you would end up being rejected again. But, if you think it's worth a shot, go for out. There's a small chance it would work, but I would guess a bigger chance it will alienate her further. Those aren't good odds. I know it's hard, but I would suggest forgetting about this girl and moving on with your life. If she forgets about you after a month apart, or sleeps with another guy, then she clearly isn't worth bothering about. The fact that she kissed another guy while going out with you should make you very reluctant to have her back at all. I really don't think she deserves you. Even if she does come back to you, she's going abroad for a year, and that sort of thing is very rarely a recipe for a successful relationship. It's naive to think that you will be able to sustain a relationship over that period. Leave her behind, and enjoy yourself. Do what she is doing and meet some new people. If, at the end of the road, you two come back together and realise that you are best together, that's great. If not, well, you will find someone else. Strontium Thanks for the reply buddy. I fear that I may be rejected again, but I don't think I will have any form of closure or acceptance until I make this final attempt. She made out with another guy, which is a bad thing to do, but she was drunk at a party, and people make lapses in judgement. I know I have in the past. Honestly, I wouldn't do anything like this for any other girl...but this girl made me feel different. And although we have broken up, it won't go away like that unless I really try. She has never been serenaded before by anyone, and she would honestly have to have a heart of stone to not be moved by that. I am putting myself out there for her. And I know she is going abroad, but it's only for 3.5 months. And we had decided to split up for that beforehand. I have never felt this way about anyone before. And sometimes I wish it would go away...that I could forget her and move on. And I agree that it is definitely not fair for someone to put their life on hold while the other person enjoys a month. If she does sleep with someone, then she can go to hell and I'm not going to speak to her again. But if she doesn't, I have to take that one final chance or I'll be regretting it for a long time.
Sparky Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 To hurtingandconfused: We've all had different experiences, so don't go judging anyone else's opinion like that. Nobody's right or wrong in this situation. You just have to be careful.
hurtingandconfused Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 If it was an opinion you should just keep it to yourself. If you were trying to give advice I will have to disagree with you. I'm only trying to help the guy. Been there done that. I'm not trying to be rude, but I believe the best way to get your ex back is to tell them how you feel, and then leave it as that. No more contact, no more friendship. If they decide to come back, then the ball is in your court. So even if they don't return atleast you lived your life to the fullest.
Sparky Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 It was advice, thank you. And yes I do agree with telling the person how you feel. That's the best idea. But that doesn't necessarily mean "give up", unless they make it clear that they're finished with you. I'm sorry if I offended you.
Author Immortal Posted July 9, 2004 Author Posted July 9, 2004 Today, my ex-girlfriend stopped by to pick up some of her stuff--her extra car key and some other stuff I had of hers. When I met her outside my house, she said "wow you look great" and then gave me a big hug. I then moved my lips closer to hers, and we kissed. She said "you know this isn't making things easier," and I said that I know that I don't care. After a few minutes of small talk, she left. We kissed again before she left. I know she's confused right now and I shouldn't weigh in too much to this, but it felt great. I just thought I'd update with that. Thanks.
Sparky Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 Well... She sure hasn't forgotten about you, and won't any time soon. But you shouldn't get your hopes up yet, you're right. A girl kissed me twice on the cheek for affection (and she was a little drunk ). I was pretty sure she was seeing someone. But this clearly indicates that she still likes you. I still wouldn't go through with you're plan unless you are CERTAIN that she is not seeing anyone and that she still likes you. Do what you think will work. Just be careful.
jst4u Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 I did this same thing. I was with a guy for 2 yrs and started to panic I guess you could say. We spent every minute of every day together. I loved being with him but started to feel smoothered. I told him the same thing I need time to be single and go party. I was doing the same things she was doing. It was only a month till he begged me to come back. I did because I still loved him but like she said to you my full heart was not in it. So I broke it off again. You need to give her time if you rush it like we did it is going to end the same way we did. I am finallly done with my wild streak I guess you could call it and we are back together but we wouldn't be if he did not realize I needed that space. I know how you feel he was the same way, but he started going out with the guys and having fun too. We both matured from the experiance and realized that we were suppose to be together. Every time I was with someone new the only person I could think of was him. You ever hear the say if you love it let it go and if it is meant to be it will come back to you. His mother told me that and let me tell you she was so right. Just go out and have a good time talk to her still do not leave her hanging but do not presure her to come back to you it is just going to push her away even more. Take small baby steps to get back into her life the way you use to and what ever is ment to happen with you guys will. Don't let yourself get so depressed over it show her you can go out and have fun to. I know the reason I did it and if hers are the same as mine she will be back with you before you know it.
jw32802 Posted July 10, 2004 Posted July 10, 2004 Hi.........so you dated in between and still thought of the other guy? how long did it take before you realized you wanted him back for good?
Sparky Posted July 10, 2004 Posted July 10, 2004 Hey jst4u, Were you dating a guy or a girl? You use he, she, him, and her pretty often.
jst4u Posted July 10, 2004 Posted July 10, 2004 Jw32802, It took me almost 6 months to realize it. I was so stuck on going out and having a good time that I did not realize I was really unhappy because he wasn't there. We talked atleast once a week and he was doing the same as me. He told me in the end that he needed the time out as much as me. We had moved in together the same time we started dating and being together 24-7 for 2 yrs streight was moving way to fast for me. Sparky, I was dating a guy. And if you are implying I was using him you are wrong. We are best friends to this day and we will always be. It was something that both of us needed.
Kate Posted July 10, 2004 Posted July 10, 2004 wow could you please include more details????? i have a guy who had a crush on me for years, we were friends, he broke off a 4 year relationship, we started dating and things moved too fast for HIM. he said he wants it, but isnt ready. we have spent the last 6 months together every day. but now he needs to find himself again. he said he sees us being together forever. but now he needs to get himself back. he's going through a lot of changes in life right now. i KNOw he loves me. we are taking baby steps. he knows i have a life also. what did your ex do that finally made you come back? or were you just ready when you went back?? please tell me how your ex treated you throughout this process. my guy says he sees other girls and they don't hold a candle to me. but i suspect he kisses once in a while. neither of us would sleep with anyone else -- that is our understanding, not an agreement, just the way we are. so i don't even think about htat. but what about the rest? basically don't pressure them at all?? it's just so hard. but you have to not call, write, nothing. my ex wants to go away next weekend just the two of us. i can't wait. but it will be hard, i'll want to see him everyday afterthat. but i'll just have to be strong and let him make the moves. he knows i'm the total package and can get any guy i want. he knows....can you just shed some more light on what sent you back to him??
jst4u Posted July 10, 2004 Posted July 10, 2004 Kate, Hey chick. It was more than one thing that sent me back to him. The fact that he was there through all the garbage we put each other through on our time out. Relax sweetie. He is making an effort to be with you and by what you are saying I can tell you that he is being honest he just needs that time. If you guys still spend time together don't sweat it. It seems like you are both going to be together. When you get out of a serious relationship like he was in you need the break you can't just jump into another serious one most times you are scared. He needs time to play I guess you could call it. I wish I could tell you what it is that sent "us" back to each other. He wanted back as much as I did. I think it was the realization that the only thing the ever went through my head was him. Wondering what he was doing, where he was, if he was thinking about me, and every other possible thing I could think about that dealt with him. You just get this feeling in your heart that you are missing something if that person is not there with you. The first time we sleep in the same bed together after we got back together I woke up in the moring with my arm around him and felt so at peice I thought to myself that is where I wanted to wake up for the rest of my life. This weekend you are going to spend with him just relax be with him he may realize over this little vacation that it is time to go the extra step and make the commitment. He would not be spending this much time with you if he didn't want to be with you. I know it is hard to sit and wait, buy you have to think to yourself is he worth all that waiting time. If he you think he is than you just have to give him that time. I know it took me 6 months to figure it out and that may sound like a long time, but I think the break I took was definatly worth it and so did he. I hope that helped some if you have an specific questions go ahead and ask I am here for the help
Sparky Posted July 10, 2004 Posted July 10, 2004 Hey jst4u, Take it easy! I didn't say ANYTHING about you using him. I didn't mean anything negative.
jst4u Posted July 10, 2004 Posted July 10, 2004 Sparky, I apologize I just could not understand your last sentence it apeared as thought you were asking me if I was using him. If you would like to rephrase I would be more than willing to answer you question. Sorry if it looked like I was bitting your head off. I am a very calm person. I apologize.
Sparky Posted July 10, 2004 Posted July 10, 2004 What I meant was you use THE WORDS he, she, him and her a lot. It just makes it confusing when you use each one to describe one person.
jst4u Posted July 10, 2004 Posted July 10, 2004 Ohh my bad I am kinda sleepy I apologize. I ment him or he the whole time LOL
jw32802 Posted July 10, 2004 Posted July 10, 2004 jst4u so wait, you broke it off w/ him because you didnt know what you wanted, and then you took 6 mths apart........You dated others too? right after him i guess? and you thought of him the whole time? i always wonder if rebounds work and if my ex thinks of me and compares me with the girl he dates.
jw32802 Posted July 10, 2004 Posted July 10, 2004 Up until last week he was texting me saying "i have been thinking about you all day, god i miss u" and things like that, while hes with a new girl (we had broken it off cuz i couldnt handle his commitment phobia). He said i tore his heart out but hes already w/ someone new and was still contacting ME every other night. left me a message saying "i cant move on, i cant move on; my friends ask me why i cant move on and i just tell them i cant; you are in my head all day long". thats what he told me, yet hes with a new girl and he takes her away and she met his family. its killing me but im ok
jst4u Posted July 10, 2004 Posted July 10, 2004 Girl all I can say is just let him get it out. If he is calling you like this than he must still want to be with you. As for him taking him to his parents. I can say for myself guys meeting my family is not the big deal that everyone makes it out to be alteast on my part I take eveyone home to meet my family if they are willing to come with me. Ask him what it is that he wants cause you are not willing to play the games with him. Either he wants to be with you or he doesn't. When I was away from my boy I never played the I can't get over you crap. I just talked to him like normal like we were just best friends. I gave Kate different advice cause they both know what they want. But don't let him play with your head. Calling you like that is unfair to you and he needs to figure out what he wants or stop calling you. Hopefully that helps some
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