iris219 Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I find that people tend to gravitate towards those who they appeal to...and that's where an individual's "demographic" comes from... So your instincts are telling you who you have the greatest chance with? Interesting. I'm rarely around single men, but I have noticed this with my married guy friends.
Author USMCHokie Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 To answer the thread topic, I don't think telling men personality counts is a bad thing. It is detrimental to being a fuller, more complete human being. Your personality is what carries you through life and through relationships. Your looks will never take you past the physical stage. It doesn't matter how good you look, if you don't have a personality to match it, you will be replaced. It's not a matter of if, but a matter of when. I would completely agree with you that personality does become the key to successfuly relationships and a successful life. However, I'm really just addressing the advice given to those guys who are struggling with dating... 1
MrCastle Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 (edited) I would completely agree with you that personality does become the key to successfuly relationships and a successful life. However, I'm really just addressing the advice given to those guys who are struggling with dating... I think it's still as important. There is only so much you can do with looks. You can lose weight, you can gain muscle. You can't change the look of your face (well unless you gain/lose weight), you can't change height. Those are two biggies. So unless you're just planning on hoping defined arms and a flat stomach carry you through your dating life, you're gonna need to flesh out a personality. Any guy who is struggling should know it takes a balance of looks AND personality to be successful. I don't think telling him to build a personality is harmful to his success. Edited July 18, 2012 by MrCastle
zengirl Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Is spreading the idea that "personality matters" as dating advice more hurtful than helpful for those struggling with dating? We see it all the time..."personality is what attracts me to someone," "personality is more important than looks," "looks don't matter much to me," and every permutation thereof...but is that really helping men who struggle with dating? If they struggle with dating because they have some major personality flaws and/or aren't using the right bait for the right fish (compatibility), then yes, it is helping them, if they actually take the advice. From what I've observed, though, people seem FAR less likely to better their personality than they are to do something for their looks or just keep trying as they are - it seems too much of an ego blow for people to actually believe they have personality issues they need to address or people fall back on the "I am who I am" school of thought. As iris says, many people who struggle with dating (yourself included, Hokie) are generally physically attractive, much more so than is actually necessary to have success in dating (depending on who you want to date, I guess - if one wants a supermodel or something, we'd need to have a different conversation but that goes down to fish & bait). There are other reasons people struggle. Personality and priorities being the two biggest. "Looks don't matter, so you don't need to eat right or maintain a healthy weight." "Eh, personality trumps all, so don't worry about hygiene or doing laundry." "You can look like whatever you want, just as long as you're confident!" Well, yes, those are stupid things to say, but so is the idea that personality DOESN'T matter. Both matter. Looks matter to some degree - hygiene, a healthy weight. . . good things to aspire to, really. However, I think an unhealthy fixation on one's looks can become problematic too - many of those people DO struggle with dating, no matter how good they look, IME. As to the best advice to give someone, it depends on the person. Some of the longtime hard cases on here who I've seen pictures of are attractive enough to have success in dating - depending on their desired fish. If they want to catch fish with higher superficial requirements, they should do what they can to improve that area. I'm not talking basic hygiene and decent physical fitness (not the gymrat look but just being healthy), which we all really should just do for ourselves anyway, but beyond that it's really a matter of who you want to attract, where you're starting, what else you have to offer, and so forth. For men, I'd say 'status' which is neither directly related to looks or personality, but can be impacted by both, plays a role as well. I'd say the best thing to do is assess where you stand, which areas of improvement would get you closer to the kind of person you want to be AND the kind of women you want to date, and focus mostly on that area with some improvement across the board. But most people are willing to be honest about their superficial flaws, moreso than their character or personality flaws, I find. 1
Sugarkane Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Why is it a bad thing? I dont want to date someone who is all looks and no brains. I doubt it would last. Men complain about women getting By on their looks and maybe being air heads From my experience men do The same thing too. Id rather have a mixture if looks and smarts.
zengirl Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 personaly flaws. yea right. dating is just a cruel game and those who aren't skilled at the game end up the 40 year virgin. it isn't people with the worst personalities. men with bad personalities can get the women left and right if they have game. 'Game' IS part of your personality.
zengirl Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 that doesn't make sense. just another catchphrase to denigrate men who don't have it easy. How does it not make sense? What do you think 'game' is? It's not a part of your looks! 'Game' is behavioral, it integrates with your beliefs and what you've learned, and everyone's 'game' reflects - to some degree - a part of who they are and how they approach dating. Sometimes it reflects how they approach life to some degree. Having 'no game' is a personality deficit. I wouldn't say it was a 'character deficit' at all, but character only covers certain aspects of personality. And people aren't 'born with game' or anything. Some people acquire it more naturally and easily than others, but the people who have game have cultivated it, consciously or subconsciously, based on their reactions to experiences. 1
Leopard Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Totally agree. It's the "physical matters" that always gets under people's skin, because no one is insecure about personality, only about looks. 1
carhill Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 So I offer this...logically speaking, the best advice to give someone struggling with dating is...to get more physically attractive. Yay or nay...? To beat the 2X, if it's a factor for the particular man, his aura upon first encounter, largely based upon his physical presence, with go farther to level the 2X field for himself than having a sterling , widely loved and cherished, personality. Without that first ten seconds of 'game' in the physical sense, he is categorized as a pleasant part of the background and that is where he remains. He simply doesn't have 'it' for that particular woman to consider him, or his personality, as anything more than a platonic acquaintance. Having lived it, life is a lot fuller and more meaningful with the gifts which attend a widely loved and enjoyed personality. It took awhile to become comfortable with that trade-off, no doubt, but there are things one can change and things one cannot. I prefer the 'can' part. I don't see the statement in the title as positive or negative. It's just words. Actions are what I watch.
zengirl Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 its the game of dating. its not about getting to know one another, its about who plays the game best. you know full well what game is. wish you would just shut the **** up with your lies and deceit. 'Game' which comes in a multitude of forms and isn't REALLY always or even often about 'playing games' will impact whether someone wants to get to know you any better. No one said otherwise. No one is saying it only matters who you are really deep down, if someone gives you every chance to show yourself, in exactly the way you want. What I am saying is that game and how well you interact with people, intrigue them, and produce interest through your behaviors and choices is very much a a part of "who you are" and your personality. Seeing what kind of 'game' someone has DOES reveal something about them and is part of getting to know someone. I would define 'game' as the ability to produce interest from the opposite sex, via behaviors, choices, word choice, etc, and generate sexual energy on either side. There are a variety of 'styles' of 'game' that work. Failing to cultivate a style (for men or women, really, though female 'game' often looks quite different) often leads to failure in dating. That's not life being unfair, IMO, as anyone can choose to cultivate 'game' if they just set their ego aside and realize they need to do so.
Lonely Ronin Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 This is why your 40 and been on 3 dates. its the game of dating. its not about getting to know one another, its about who plays the game best. you know full well what game is. wish you would just shut the **** up with your lies and deceit. 2
KathyM Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I think both appearance and personality are important to people, and both should be cultivated in order to increase your dating prospects. The men with the most dating success have both looks and personality going for them, obviously, and I've seen both types (looks with no personality and personality with average appearance) get put in the friendzone. To concentrate on improving only one facet of yourself and neglecting the other would be foolish, and would limit your options.
Chocolat Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I think that saying "personality matters" is good, if possibly incomplete, advice. A good-looking guy that I don't click with is a guy I won't date. But a so-so looking guy that I do click with is one I'll go out with. The problem is that "personality" is vague and I am not sure anyone can really define it, although I will say that attitudes about hygiene are part of personality, imo. But, overall, personality is so many things rolled into one -- wit, tone, humor, confidence, openness, acceptance, body language, tolerance, assertiveness, intelligence... just for starters. The right personality is very sexy, far more sexy than the right body (again, imo). In my case, I've dated conventionally unattractive guys (too short, too fat) who had great personalities but I've never dated a conventionally attractive guy with whom I did not have that personality spark. YMMV. 1
Chocolat Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Totally agree. It's the "physical matters" that always gets under people's skin, because no one is insecure about personality, only about looks. Not true. I am confident about my looks but often worried that I will say the wrong thing. I also seem to draw a blank when it comes to making small talk, which makes parties a torture.
Leigh 87 Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 But some people are just not that attractive. I think it is better to tell them that, while some hot women will take notice of them in the work place or in their college classes - that girls who are NOT forced into contact with them will likely NEVER agree to a date. The should b e told that they simply are not attractive enough to get a lot of interests from various girls; much less hot girls. That said - plenty of of average of unnatrattractive men are in VERY happy relationships. ALOT of unnattractive men DO find great partners. Their partners, however, are probably not good looking. Obviously, the guys who are unsuccessful with dating COULD and often ARE lacking in key personality traits........ That, if changed for the better, could lead to them being MORE successful........... Although everyone who changes themselves for the better, should realize there are still physical limitations, and to therefore target people in your league. The BEST advice I could give men, would be to be the best version of yourself, physically and otherwise, and to realize that they should include a WIDE varity of women, looks wise; because if they go for the hot ones, they will be shut down most of the time, regardless of how awesome they are, because hot girls have more options and tend to short list the best looking men. ........Men and women just need to do their best physically AND otherwise, and to not only go for good looking people; unnattractive and decent people with good personalities WILL find people, but not necessarily FAST, and not with good looking people normaly...
thatone Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Is spreading the idea that "personality matters" as dating advice more hurtful than helpful for those struggling with dating? We see it all the time..."personality is what attracts me to someone," "personality is more important than looks," "looks don't matter much to me," and every permutation thereof...but is that really helping men who struggle with dating? Isn't that simply encouraging them to be content with the way they are physically under the guise that looks don't matter, so why put effort into it...? "Looks don't matter, so you don't need to eat right or maintain a healthy weight." "Eh, personality trumps all, so don't worry about hygiene or doing laundry." "You can look like whatever you want, just as long as you're confident!" And if personality is what matters, then how can the traditional "friend zone" even exist? A woman puts a man in the beloved friend zone because he has a good enough personality that she wants him to stick around as a friend without dating him. If the adage that personality is the determinative factor in attraction, then the entire notion of the friend zone would run contrary to it. And if the adage were true, then the friend zone would be the ideal place for a man to be, right? It'd be the prime place for your personality to shine and blossom to your woman! And if the adage were true, then all the best looking men would be in the "friend zone"... Could it be possible that the reason certain folks struggle with dating for so long is that they are fed the wrong advice? Should be focus really be on "personality"? So I offer this...logically speaking, the best advice to give someone struggling with dating is...to get more physically attractive. Yay or nay...? if men are old enough to be dating and haven't figured out that what women say isn't usually what women do then they haven't been paying much attention. 1
Els Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Why does saying that 'personality matters' mean that nothing else does? Surely it is possible for there to be, you know, more than one factor at play, and personality is one of them? It's like, your mental health matters, but you're still likely to die early and painfully if you weigh 400 lbs, smoke 30 cigs a day, and do every drug under the sun. 3
AD1980 Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Ive always said the same thing if it wasnt about looks and just a personality and connection with the opposite sex then there would be no friend zone because that would be enough to give a relationship a try at least.. Looks are a huge part of it..The only women who give me positive feedback are friends wives because they love me like a brother but they just say those things because they would never have to date me and are only attracted to who iam as a person..how single women react to me speaks volumes as opposed to taken women who feel no pressure from me that im hitting on them or interested.. Hell even these women who love me and say i should hit on more women always set up my good looking friends over me.. My newly divorced friend is a egotistical self centered narcisist but gets tons of women strictly off his looks so i see firsthand how important looks are..
todreaminblue Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Is spreading the idea that "personality matters" as dating advice more hurtful than helpful for those struggling with dating? We see it all the time..."personality is what attracts me to someone," "personality is more important than looks," "looks don't matter much to me," and every permutation thereof...but is that really helping men who struggle with dating? Isn't that simply encouraging them to be content with the way they are physically under the guise that looks don't matter, so why put effort into it...? "Looks don't matter, so you don't need to eat right or maintain a healthy weight." "Eh, personality trumps all, so don't worry about hygiene or doing laundry." "You can look like whatever you want, just as long as you're confident!" And if personality is what matters, then how can the traditional "friend zone" even exist? A woman puts a man in the beloved friend zone because he has a good enough personality that she wants him to stick around as a friend without dating him. If the adage that personality is the determinative factor in attraction, then the entire notion of the friend zone would run contrary to it. And if the adage were true, then the friend zone would be the ideal place for a man to be, right? It'd be the prime place for your personality to shine and blossom to your woman! And if the adage were true, then all the best looking men would be in the "friend zone"... Could it be possible that the reason certain folks struggle with dating for so long is that they are fed the wrong advice? Should be focus really be on "personality"? So I offer this...logically speaking, the best advice to give someone struggling with dating is...to get more physically attractive. Yay or nay...? physically attractive........i think get more lifestyle and personality active so yes to the physical.....some bods are just born into their jeans with good genes that are made to fit.....they can eat junk food do no exercise over indulge....be couch potatoes and not have to do any roadwork whatsoever......and some daters out there probably want that life......but some would go mental staying home every weekend....lifestyle and outlook on life are far more important than image attributes......you have to be able to challenge each other and have similar lifestyles to mesh to spend time together and apart.....getting an active lifestyle gives you drive and commitment and reliability and about a hundred other charms......makes you more confident in your own skin and you are fit and healthy ready to try something different....much more important than height.... much more important than how high the cheekbones go.....you have to have similar lifestyles and similar fitness levels to hang out as friends even before the friendship goes further.............deb
Els Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 This is why your 40 and been on 3 dates. Precisely. I find it fairly amusing that the people with the LEAST experience are usually the ones insisting that the way they approach relationships is the only right one. What I want to know is: did the chicken come first, or the egg? 1
Lonely Ronin Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Errr, why didn't I use the right You're..... Precisely. I find it fairly amusing that the people with the LEAST experience are usually the ones insisting that the way they approach relationships is the only right one. What I want to know is: did the chicken come first, or the egg?
zengirl Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Why does saying that 'personality matters' mean that nothing else does? Surely it is possible for there to be, you know, more than one factor at play, and personality is one of them? Basically. I'm not sure where anyone gets the idea that they only have to have one trait to offer. Precisely. I find it fairly amusing that the people with the LEAST experience are usually the ones insisting that the way they approach relationships is the only right one. What I want to know is: did the chicken come first, or the egg? I think the egg. Those who are less adaptable have less success in the area in which they fail to adapt. 2
Lonely Ronin Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Basically. I'm not sure where anyone gets the idea that they only have to have one trait to offer. I do, it's the people who have the lazy trait. Sadly a lot of society is this way now. Everyone wants to get as much as possible, while doing as little as possible. 1
without Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Lies. Seriously the first thing visual creatures see, humans, is how you look. Personality comes after you're accepted in terms of looks. That's what will keep you. That's why I started to take care of myself so much. http://www.lolwtfcomics.com/upload/uploads/1322084477.jpg
Negative Nancy Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Is spreading the idea that "personality matters" as dating advice more hurtful than helpful for those struggling with dating? We see it all the time..."personality is what attracts me to someone," "personality is more important than looks," "looks don't matter much to me," and every permutation thereof...but is that really helping men who struggle with dating? Isn't that simply encouraging them to be content with the way they are physically under the guise that looks don't matter, so why put effort into it...? "Looks don't matter, so you don't need to eat right or maintain a healthy weight." "Eh, personality trumps all, so don't worry about hygiene or doing laundry." "You can look like whatever you want, just as long as you're confident!" And if personality is what matters, then how can the traditional "friend zone" even exist? A woman puts a man in the beloved friend zone because he has a good enough personality that she wants him to stick around as a friend without dating him. If the adage that personality is the determinative factor in attraction, then the entire notion of the friend zone would run contrary to it. And if the adage were true, then the friend zone would be the ideal place for a man to be, right? It'd be the prime place for your personality to shine and blossom to your woman! And if the adage were true, then all the best looking men would be in the "friend zone"... Could it be possible that the reason certain folks struggle with dating for so long is that they are fed the wrong advice? Should be focus really be on "personality"? So I offer this...logically speaking, the best advice to give someone struggling with dating is...to get more physically attractive. Yay or nay...? Well Hokie, let's see.....from what I hear around here, everyone and their mother gushes about your abs and your body. So how's your own dating life working out for you so far, according to your little "theory"?
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