USMCHokie Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Is spreading the idea that "personality matters" as dating advice more hurtful than helpful for those struggling with dating? We see it all the time..."personality is what attracts me to someone," "personality is more important than looks," "looks don't matter much to me," and every permutation thereof...but is that really helping men who struggle with dating? Isn't that simply encouraging them to be content with the way they are physically under the guise that looks don't matter, so why put effort into it...? "Looks don't matter, so you don't need to eat right or maintain a healthy weight." "Eh, personality trumps all, so don't worry about hygiene or doing laundry." "You can look like whatever you want, just as long as you're confident!" And if personality is what matters, then how can the traditional "friend zone" even exist? A woman puts a man in the beloved friend zone because he has a good enough personality that she wants him to stick around as a friend without dating him. If the adage that personality is the determinative factor in attraction, then the entire notion of the friend zone would run contrary to it. And if the adage were true, then the friend zone would be the ideal place for a man to be, right? It'd be the prime place for your personality to shine and blossom to your woman! And if the adage were true, then all the best looking men would be in the "friend zone"... Could it be possible that the reason certain folks struggle with dating for so long is that they are fed the wrong advice? Should be focus really be on "personality"? So I offer this...logically speaking, the best advice to give someone struggling with dating is...to get more physically attractive. Yay or nay...? 4
ThaWholigan Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I think you're onto something. I think "personality matters" can be damaging depending on how it is normally interpreted. I would look at it in 2 ways. 1) Compatibility. One personality type would be attractive to a subset of people who find those traits attractive, and somewhat unattractive to everyone else. So in a sense, personality matters to the individual depending on what they are attracted to in a person excluding physical traits. 2) Attractive personality. Some people have a nice enough personality that they get told that their personality is fine, when in actuality, their personality could be lacking in sexuality and charisma, that extra OOMPH that people develop unique to them. I think the focus should be on the overall package. One should become more physically attractive (you can educate yourself on how to do this), and one can fine tune their personality to include more attractive elements that make them that little bit more sexy to women. So "personality matters" can be inadvertently disingenuous in the sense that his personality may lack the sexual and charismatic elements that would draw people to him and his aura, and it would indeed shift energy away from fitness goals that would include aesthetic ideals.
Seethe Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Personality matters after physical attraction. Not more, not less...just after. If a dude is ugly as sin on the outside, chances are he's never going to get a chance to impress someone with his overwhelmingly awesome personality.
Lonely Ronin Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 And if personality is what matters, then how can the traditional "friend zone" even exist? A woman puts a man in the beloved friend zone because he has a good enough personality that she wants him to stick around as a friend without dating him. If the adage that personality is the determinative factor in attraction, then the entire notion of the friend zone would run contrary to it. And if the adage were true, then the friend zone would be the ideal place for a man to be, right? It'd be the prime place for your personality to shine and blossom to your woman! And if the adage were true, then all the best looking men would be in the "friend zone"... I disagree, some personality traits that would make a woman a good friend, would make them a horrible relationship partner. IMO, the best advise is for them to improve themselves in every way possible, starting with the low hanging fruit. 1
Author USMCHokie Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 I think "personality matters" can be damaging depending on how it is normally interpreted. Well here's another thing about interpretation of "personality matters." When a man struggling with dating is offered the advice that he should be confident and that personality is what matters, what is the single most common response you get from him? "Oh, well I have a great personality!" And so he thinks he's set up success and doesn't need to do anything else but "be himself." But there is a big issue with this: how does he even know how good his personality really is...? Is it even quantifiable or something you can self-assess...? So if these guys assume they've already got the personality but not the looks, then advising them to be confident with their personalities is encouraging no action and providing no incentive to improve...they think they've already got it all...
mesmerized Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Could it be possible that the reason certain folks struggle with dating for so long is that they are fed the wrong advice? Should be focus really be on "personality"? I doubt it! Most unattractive men know for a fact that making themselves more physically attractive will help them with women. They're either too lazy to work to achieve a better look or just simply can't (how can one change their height?)
Author USMCHokie Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Personality matters after physical attraction. Not more, not less...just after. If a dude is ugly as sin on the outside, chances are he's never going to get a chance to impress someone with his overwhelmingly awesome personality. Indeed...surface trait theory...
Author USMCHokie Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 I doubt it! Most unattractive men know for a fact that making themselves more physically attractive will help them with women. They're either too lazy to work to achieve a better look or just simply can't (how can one change their height?) I agree that laziness plays a huge role in inaction, but does the propagation of these ideas that personality is king simply justify that laziness...?
mesmerized Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I agree that laziness plays a huge role in inaction, but does the propagation of these ideas that personality is king simply justify that laziness...? No it doesn't. A lot of women are lazy too even though they are constantly told that their looks is all that matters.
iris219 Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 So I offer this...logically speaking, the best advice to give someone struggling with dating is...to get more physically attractive. Yay or nay...? What if you’re already physically attractive?
Lonely Ronin Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 So if these guys assume they've already got the personality but not the looks, then advising them to be confident with their personalities is encouraging no action and providing no incentive to improve...they think they've already got it all... I have never talked with a woman who wanted a guy that went through life with a "good enough attitude".
Author USMCHokie Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 What if you’re already physically attractive? My response to this is, physically attractive to whom...?
iris219 Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 My response to this is, physically attractive to whom...? Uh...most people. Some people are conventionally good looking. Is this a trick question?
ThaWholigan Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I doubt it! Most unattractive men know for a fact that making themselves more physically attractive will help them with women. They're either too lazy to work to achieve a better look or just simply can't (how can one change their height?) height I maintain that almost every guy can. If you're in the minus 1% of guys who can't change then that really eats ass, my sympathies are extended. The problem is, I don't know how much of it is laziness as opposed to straight up ignorance that they don't know. Well here's another thing about interpretation of "personality matters." When a man struggling with dating is offered the advice that he should be confident and that personality is what matters, what is the single most common response you get from him? "Oh, well I have a great personality!" And so he thinks he's set up success and doesn't need to do anything else but "be himself." But there is a big issue with this: how does he even know how good his personality really is...? Is it even quantifiable or something you can self-assess...? So if these guys assume they've already got the personality but not the looks, then advising them to be confident with their personalities is encouraging no action and providing no incentive to improve...they think they've already got it all... He probably gets told by his mum or something . I don't know why they all say how great their personality is. Probably because they come across as amiable without having any particularly defining or captivating features to them. It would take an enormous amount of introspection (as well as assessing your index of external validation []) to really dissect your personality and who you are, and how people respond to you. The last paragraph is certainly something to consider. I certainly never tailor my advice to the individual and attempt to cover all bases of the person, including physical attractiveness.
Lonely Ronin Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 specifically what are these traits? from personal experience, I can say while I have several female friends that are competitive, I don't do well in relationships with women that are really competitive, because I'm really competitive myself. It can also be bad if people are polar opposites. Like if one is very flirty, and the other is very conservative.
Author USMCHokie Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Uh...most people. Some people are conventionally good looking. Is this a trick question? No, not a trick question. You answered it as I would have expected. You have to be attractive to more than just yourself, but the very people who you want to date. 1
ThaWholigan Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 No, not a trick question. You answered it as I would have expected. You have to be attractive to more than just yourself, but the very people who you want to date. Appealing to your demographic, if you know what your demographic is, of course. A lot of people don't even know who they want!
iris219 Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 No, not a trick question. You answered it as I would have expected. You have to be attractive to more than just yourself, but the very people who you want to date. Of course. I agree.
Author USMCHokie Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Appealing to your demographic, if you know what your demographic is, of course. A lot of people don't even know who they want! I find that people tend to gravitate towards those who they appeal to...and that's where an individual's "demographic" comes from... 1
Stupid Girl Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I think being fit/active/healthy is often the product of having good personaliy traits, striving for personal bests, etc. So generally, in my experience, many people with good personalities tend to have good things going on physically as well. 1
Author USMCHokie Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 I think being fit/active/healthy is often the product of having good personaliy traits, striving for personal bests, etc. So generally, in my experience, many people with good personalities tend to have good things going on physically as well. Hmmm, this is a very interesting point. So to clarify, you are suggesting: If good personality, then good physical. Then logically speaking, the contrapositive should also hold true: If poor physical, then poor personality...?
Stupid Girl Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Hmmm, this is a very interesting point. So to clarify, you are suggesting: If good personality, then good physical. Then logically speaking, the contrapositive should also hold true: If poor physical, then poor personality...? In a broad sense, generally, yes. Example 1: this individual is confident in themselves and likes to try new things. They are adventurous, apt to try mountain biking/skiing/hiking/etc. They are physically fit. They are aware of their environment and society and support local food sources, mom and pop shops, tend to shy away from fast food, and may make dietary choices based on morals or other factors which cause them to try new foods from different cultures rather than eating typical greasy North American food. They live a healthy lifestyle. Because of this, chances are this individual is fit and has an attractive body. Example 2: this individual is insecure and anxious and would rather stay inside alone all day then go out and do active things, much less do something like join a gym. They are unable to get much exercise like this. They are less socially aware and their meal of choice is fast food or ramen noodles. They are not healthy. This individual has a much higher change of being overweight and having an unattrractive body. It's not an exact science, but generally in life I've found that good begets good.
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I think that good personality and good physical appereance have some correlation but one certainly doesn't imply the other.
MrCastle Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 In a broad sense, generally, yes. Example 1: this individual is confident in themselves and likes to try new things. They are adventurous, apt to try mountain biking/skiing/hiking/etc. They are physically fit. They are aware of their environment and society and support local food sources, mom and pop shops, tend to shy away from fast food, and may make dietary choices based on morals or other factors which cause them to try new foods from different cultures rather than eating typical greasy North American food. They live a healthy lifestyle. Because of this, chances are this individual is fit and has an attractive body. Example 2: this individual is insecure and anxious and would rather stay inside alone all day then go out and do active things, much less do something like join a gym. They are unable to get much exercise like this. They are less socially aware and their meal of choice is fast food or ramen noodles. They are not healthy. This individual has a much higher change of being overweight and having an unattrractive body. It's not an exact science, but generally in life I've found that good begets good. I don't agree with this. I think the world is a mixed bag of good looking people with good personalities, and bad personalities, as well as unattractive people with good personalities, and bad. I don't think there is any correlation. People are people. You can look at someone fit and say hmm, that must mean they are active, determined, focused, have good eating habits, etc, but what else comes with that? Vanity? Shallowness? Ego? To answer the thread topic, I don't think telling men personality counts is a bad thing. It is detrimental to being a fuller, more complete human being. Your personality is what carries you through life and through relationships. Your looks will never take you past the physical stage. It doesn't matter how good you look, if you don't have a personality to match it, you will be replaced. It's not a matter of if, but a matter of when.
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