gskyo Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I have had 2 frienemies When I started out in college, I made friends with a gay guy, A, who became my best friend of two years... that was until I realised how toxic he was. The mental abuse was madness, he was verbally abusive and always belittled whatever I did. I ended up finding myself doing most of our shared school work for his approval. If we didn't get good grades, he would imply that had he taken the lead, he would have done a better job. He, my other friends and I also stayed in the same house and he would use the most underhanded techniques to get things done his way in the house by backstabbing and being manipulative (made the relationship within the house very strained). When it came to money, he would borrow little amounts at a time until it reached a high amount and take forever to give it back. After realising it, I cut contact, stopped being friends with him and got my money back. B helped me realised that A was being manipulative by telling me when she saw it happen. A & B never really got along and both told me they were friends with each other because of me. Anyway, I then became best friends with B for the next two years in college. She was the ultimate queen bee and everyone absolutely adored her. I never cared for status, so this to me was irrelevant to our friendship. Things seem great, we were really close and shared all our secrets. That is until 3 years into our best friendship that I realised she has betrayed my trust on so many occasions. She turned out to be just as self centred as A but more manipulative as she employs the use of tears and playing herself as victim when she was in trouble. One of the things that I could never forgive was when she sabotaged my chance to work at a large firm after graduation, I only found out later when another friend (who was helping me get the job) blabbed, saying that B told her I didn't want the job anyway but was too proud to say it! I tested the water first, saying that I heard someone sabotaged me, she told me to let it go... Which isnt her usualy modus operandi, she's the confrontational type, felt like something was up. I then later confronted her and she started crying, accusing me for being a bad friend for even thinking that she was capable of it. I let that slide. She also has the habit to let me know what I should be thinking. Like, if I like a red dress, she would tell me something like "I'm sure you're not as fond of it as you are with the green dress"... She's so condescending in that way that she believes she knows me better than I know myself... Later, in our working life, I won some recognition for the work I do and the field I was in was fulfilling. She starts making plans to go on the same career path that I have always planned. It's like the friendship only works for her if she believes she has the upperhand. Suddenly, with her queen bee status no longer in sight, I felt like she was trying to play "catch up" with me just because I was doing slightly better than she was. I also hated that now every move I made felt observed and copied. Suddenly, plans that I have long made known to have are suddenly made into her own. Places I always wanted to go, are her dream destinations. The person who didn't even like flying suddenly believed that her dream is to travel the world. She even got the same hair cut and hair color as me! I'm not making this up, even other friends observed the same thing I was seeing! After a while, we contacted each other lesser due to my busy work schedule and I was pretty happy with that. But, she would always look for me when she needs something, money, advise with her boyfriend problem or comfort for her random moodswings. And when she looked for me, she needed my attention immediately... she would expect me to drop what I was doing and go to her in an hour... At this point, I had about enough! For the years we have known each other, in total 5 years, I've done so much for her and been there for her. All she has ever done is make me feel bad for doing well, copy me in everything I do and has generally been a non-existent friend when I was in trouble. I decided to completely cut her off (except from Facebook) when I left the country last year without leaving a phone number or a way to contact me. I just found out she is now in the same country with on a similar programme to which I'm currently undertaking and has tried to contact me! I feel like I cant get away from her!! I want the thoughts of A & B out of my life!! They gave me so much grief! Should I also cut B off facebook? Why do they still haunt me?!
SpiralOut Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 If you were to run into them again, how confident do you feel about standing up to them? I'm guessing they remind you of a time when you allowed other people (specifically, them) to manipulate you. The only way to know for sure that you won't fall for that BS anymore is to run into them and see how you handle things OR eventually you will meet other people like them and you will need to stand up to those people. Either way you'll gain confidence and will stop feeling afraid of your ex-friends. I think they are on your mind because your brain wants to be sure that you don't let something like that happen again.
Author gskyo Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 I stood up to A but didnt do so to B As I said, B has the ability to play victim. When she does this, the whole world is on her side. She's a talented manipulator. After wisen-ing up to her behaviour, I stopped taking her bull**** with the help of a busy work schedule. Less contact with her meant less grief for me. Maybe my parents brought me up too stupidly, but I always go to a friend in need. On many occasions, I would go be a shoulder to cry on or a helping hand to her. It was when I was having one of the biggest heartaches of my life and she still expected me to put her problems as priority that made me see I'm no more than a slave to her. I don't need the mind games and I'd rather not see her anymore. People like these made me a very different person today! I used to be open and helpful. Now, I dubious of most people I meet and I cant even let in my old friends anymore, those who I have known all my life. I'm that afraid of repeating the mistake of poor people judgment. I feel I've become a lot more bitter about friendships thanks to this. I'm particularly annoyed today because I found out that she's subscribed to each and every groups that I've been using to network for jobs. It's like she just came into my fb page, see what I had and started to subscribe to each one. Her copycattiness has no end! It's obvious because she did it in one go, all shown as recent activity on her FB wall. I feel like, she so lacks security in her life that she has to take comfort in the decisions I make for my own life even though we are not in contact anymore. If anything, it makes me feel like I am doing things right but it scares me that I was best friends with a person like that!
riverman Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Just slowly say this person is of no importance to me,be civil but if you too meet and she pulls the same crap cut it off quick. Call her out on the bs,insults,etc. She the problem she just immature and use bullying tatics to cover up her own insecurities.
todreaminblue Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I have had 2 frienemies When I started out in college, I made friends with a gay guy, A, who became my best friend of two years... that was until I realised how toxic he was. The mental abuse was madness, he was verbally abusive and always belittled whatever I did. I ended up finding myself doing most of our shared school work for his approval. If we didn't get good grades, he would imply that had he taken the lead, he would have done a better job. He, my other friends and I also stayed in the same house and he would use the most underhanded techniques to get things done his way in the house by backstabbing and being manipulative (made the relationship within the house very strained). When it came to money, he would borrow little amounts at a time until it reached a high amount and take forever to give it back. After realising it, I cut contact, stopped being friends with him and got my money back. B helped me realised that A was being manipulative by telling me when she saw it happen. A & B never really got along and both told me they were friends with each other because of me. Anyway, I then became best friends with B for the next two years in college. She was the ultimate queen bee and everyone absolutely adored her. I never cared for status, so this to me was irrelevant to our friendship. Things seem great, we were really close and shared all our secrets. That is until 3 years into our best friendship that I realised she has betrayed my trust on so many occasions. She turned out to be just as self centred as A but more manipulative as she employs the use of tears and playing herself as victim when she was in trouble. One of the things that I could never forgive was when she sabotaged my chance to work at a large firm after graduation, I only found out later when another friend (who was helping me get the job) blabbed, saying that B told her I didn't want the job anyway but was too proud to say it! I tested the water first, saying that I heard someone sabotaged me, she told me to let it go... Which isnt her usualy modus operandi, she's the confrontational type, felt like something was up. I then later confronted her and she started crying, accusing me for being a bad friend for even thinking that she was capable of it. I let that slide. She also has the habit to let me know what I should be thinking. Like, if I like a red dress, she would tell me something like "I'm sure you're not as fond of it as you are with the green dress"... She's so condescending in that way that she believes she knows me better than I know myself... Later, in our working life, I won some recognition for the work I do and the field I was in was fulfilling. She starts making plans to go on the same career path that I have always planned. It's like the friendship only works for her if she believes she has the upperhand. Suddenly, with her queen bee status no longer in sight, I felt like she was trying to play "catch up" with me just because I was doing slightly better than she was. I also hated that now every move I made felt observed and copied. Suddenly, plans that I have long made known to have are suddenly made into her own. Places I always wanted to go, are her dream destinations. The person who didn't even like flying suddenly believed that her dream is to travel the world. She even got the same hair cut and hair color as me! I'm not making this up, even other friends observed the same thing I was seeing! After a while, we contacted each other lesser due to my busy work schedule and I was pretty happy with that. But, she would always look for me when she needs something, money, advise with her boyfriend problem or comfort for her random moodswings. And when she looked for me, she needed my attention immediately... she would expect me to drop what I was doing and go to her in an hour... At this point, I had about enough! For the years we have known each other, in total 5 years, I've done so much for her and been there for her. All she has ever done is make me feel bad for doing well, copy me in everything I do and has generally been a non-existent friend when I was in trouble. I decided to completely cut her off (except from Facebook) when I left the country last year without leaving a phone number or a way to contact me. I just found out she is now in the same country with on a similar programme to which I'm currently undertaking and has tried to contact me! I feel like I cant get away from her!! I want the thoughts of A & B out of my life!! They gave me so much grief! Should I also cut B off facebook? Why do they still haunt me?! they haunt you because You have not been able to say exactly what you needed to get out.....the confrontations you had were not concluded this is what you did when it got rough going.....quote" I let that slide." I think it would eb beneficial fro you to contact this friend that is trying to contact you and let her know exactly why you hesitated to contact her...it also bothers you she has wanted to meet after all she did to sabotage your friendship and you ....you feel she should know right?..remind her why..... dont let anything slide this time, be up front.....you wont be haunted by things that you should have said.....and maybe it might help her to see why you dont relish the idea of friendship with her anymore.....and you never know....people can change.....she might have grown up a little to admit what she did was wrong or she might not....and you can say thank crap its over.....no more contact required no more stress no haunting.....best wishes to ya....deb
Author gskyo Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 Thank you for the advice, I may have seen it a bit too late. B came to find me in my town 2 weeks ago, to which I completely ignored and I dont feel an ounce of regret over it. I've really thought things through, weighing the pros and cons of actions I can take. My indifference is my chosen solution, I dont intend to indulge in any more falsities especially when I have no intention to forgive either of them or forget what they have done. I'll just have to take the trauma of such toxic friendships as a lesson and be careful of any future relationships I have.
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