letterman Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Let me start off by saying that I am 20 years old. My girlfriend is also 20 and we both attend the same university. We met at 19, our freshman year, and I could tell that she was the kind of girl I could fall in love with (though I barely knew her). One day we kissed while both drunk and I felt an instant connection. We both did honestly, and I slowly but surely started to text her and hang out with her over the summer. Over the time we were not officially "going-out" I learned some disturbing things. Many of my friends described her as a "whore" or a "crazy party girl', willing to hook up with anyone. I knew I really liked her and disregarded others comments and allowed them to eat at me for months. Later that summer and after about of month of not sleeping and going crazy I asked her about her past. She said she didn't have to explain herself to me and flipped, making the pains I had even worse. A week later she finally told me all about her sexual past. She told me she had had sex with five guys before me and she was only the age of 19. This made me scared because I had only had sex with one and we had not done anything other than kiss yet. The only one that was her boyfriend also turned her onto drugs. This was during high school and her first year of college. To describe the guys she has been with kills me inside. They are all people I know or have met and all guys that I knew were "dirty" and typical *******s. I don't consider myself to be like that; I've never done any drugs, I play sports in college, I get good grades, and I'm nice to everyone I meet. I was beyond upset inside and I have cried about it many times. I then told myself my feelings for her should not be effected by the past and I should continue talking to her. Towards the end of the summer, she went to a party with her high school friends and ended up kissing someone that she had known for a long time. I was outraged but I kept it to myself. Some people that I know were there and called me telling me this and told me I shouldn't have anything to do with her. Again, I put these thoughts to the side and continued building our relationship. Then school started and our relationship couldn't be better. We were both busy but overall very happy. I asked her to officially be mine and most ppl supported me. Three of the dirtballs she had slept with go to the small school we both do and I had to continuously see them on a daily basis but I knew I had to get over it. Around two months later and out of nowhere she told me she had done cocaine and ecstasy before. I felt so sick I literally threw up. We both cried and talked about it for hours, and she told me it was because she thought she was cool doing it and her ex boyfriend was a drug dealer. Ever since, all of these things bother me and its almost been a year. The smallest things make me go crazy and I feel like I'm bipolar. At some points I feel hopeless and like I will never overcome it. I seriously love this girl, she is everything I have ever wanted and more. I can't sleep, eat, do anything normally while thinking about all these things though. What can I do to beat these thoughts and continue our relationship?
Radu Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Well ... - she has done hard drugs, and her ex is a dealer - she has a nasty past - when she kissed the other guy, was she in a relationship with you or not ? As for the rest : - the fact that she had sex with 5 guys before you, does not mean much, it's a biggish nr, but it matters more if for instance she did it while in a steady LTR I think here you have a bit of retroactive jealousy. - the fact that she is known for her past can work for you, because word seems to spread fast, she can't hide it well, so you will know when/if something happens - college relationships generally don't last Answer the question above and see where you stand.
SensitiveTJ Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 (edited) Let me start off by saying that I am 20 years old. My girlfriend is also 20 and we both attend the same university. We met at 19, our freshman year, and I could tell that she was the kind of girl I could fall in love with (though I barely knew her). One day we kissed while both drunk and I felt an instant connection. We both did honestly, and I slowly but surely started to text her and hang out with her over the summer. Over the time we were not officially "going-out" I learned some disturbing things. Many of my friends described her as a "whore" or a "crazy party girl', willing to hook up with anyone. I knew I really liked her and disregarded others comments and allowed them to eat at me for months. Later that summer and after about of month of not sleeping and going crazy I asked her about her past. She said she didn't have to explain herself to me and flipped, making the pains I had even worse. A week later she finally told me all about her sexual past. She told me she had had sex with five guys before me and she was only the age of 19. This made me scared because I had only had sex with one and we had not done anything other than kiss yet. The only one that was her boyfriend also turned her onto drugs. This was during high school and her first year of college. To describe the guys she has been with kills me inside. They are all people I know or have met and all guys that I knew were "dirty" and typical *******s. I don't consider myself to be like that; I've never done any drugs, I play sports in college, I get good grades, and I'm nice to everyone I meet. I was beyond upset inside and I have cried about it many times. I then told myself my feelings for her should not be effected by the past and I should continue talking to her. Towards the end of the summer, she went to a party with her high school friends and ended up kissing someone that she had known for a long time. I was outraged but I kept it to myself. Some people that I know were there and called me telling me this and told me I shouldn't have anything to do with her. Again, I put these thoughts to the side and continued building our relationship. Then school started and our relationship couldn't be better. We were both busy but overall very happy. I asked her to officially be mine and most ppl supported me. Three of the dirtballs she had slept with go to the small school we both do and I had to continuously see them on a daily basis but I knew I had to get over it. Around two months later and out of nowhere she told me she had done cocaine and ecstasy before. I felt so sick I literally threw up. We both cried and talked about it for hours, and she told me it was because she thought she was cool doing it and her ex boyfriend was a drug dealer. Ever since, all of these things bother me and its almost been a year. The smallest things make me go crazy and I feel like I'm bipolar. At some points I feel hopeless and like I will never overcome it. I seriously love this girl, she is everything I have ever wanted and more. I can't sleep, eat, do anything normally while thinking about all these things though. What can I do to beat these thoughts and continue our relationship? Letterman, I am sorry to hear that you are in the situation you are in. It is extremely difficult to reconcile the positive feelings you have for your girlfriend, and the realization that this person has made personal and moral choices you find repugnant. Psychologists term this phenomena "cognitive dissonance," and it can be very painful. I once found myself in a very similar position as you are in now. I had begun dating a beautiful, sophisticated, and intelligent girl the same age as your girlfriend. Over the course of time, I too discovered that she had a long history of drug use and involvement in selling drugs. At least one and maybe more of her previous boyfriends were serious drug dealers. I'm familiar with the sick feeling in the stomach I suspect you have come to know. To make a long story short, my personal advice-and this is just me- is to end the relationship. That may not be what you want to hear, but it is the wisest thing to do. Healthy relationships exist between people with reasonably similar morals and values, and it's very rare in my experience to see otherwise. Your girlfriend has made choices which she has to live with. She will never not be a drug user or pusher; time only flows in one way. That is a fact which will never change, and you don't want to be in a situation where you have to forgive/forget what this person did every single day. That's a recipe for a lifetime of anger and resentment. Also, keep in mind that by staying you send the message that this person's actions are acceptable, to you. Staying in the relationship validates the action. If you are strongly anti-drug, like you seem to be and I certainly was, I'm afraid staying might not be possible without compromising who you are, and you values. It might be time to cut the cord, and find someone whose actions don't eat you up inside when you wake up every morning. Edited July 17, 2012 by SensitiveTJ Paragraphs 1
Sunlight72 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Hi Letterman, yep dude, you've got problems. The answer is; Be your own person. Without her. End it now. Don't lead her on, and don't keep dragging your heart through the grinder. If you stay together, it is not going to get better. Your relationship is what it is, and you should Not hope it will change in any way. Instead, see the truth and accept that how it is now, is how it will always be. If you don't want that (you don't), then bite down on the pain and tell her you two are not a match and you love her and wish her well. Then say you can't see or talk to her. I know you'll pass her on campus, but you must not call her. You must not text or email her. You must Not answer her calls. You must delete (without reading) any texts or emails from her. -------------------- Just in case you'd like to know, I'll tell you why... You are both young. Neither of you are done exploring yourselves. For her this is going to include (at least) 'trying' other drugs, and 'trying' drugs in new situations. She might 'try' them now and then over 10 years, or she might 'try' them often for 3 (or 30) years. When she's 'trying' drugs she will also be interested in 'trying' other activities with other people. Since you won't be joining her she'll feel guilty. The people who enjoy doing drugs with her will be accepting, and you will lose her trust (as you should, because you can't trust her to live her life with the philosophy you value). I've lived through a similar situation with my first wife. What ever you can imagine/fear buddy, it's coming. And not just once. It still bites me to think of it, but you do not yet know what pain this woman will bring you. You do not yet know hurt - stick with her, and in about 3 years you will have a whole new understanding of the big bad world... please don't... It doesn't have to go that way! The real deal is that it's her life and she's free to do what she finds fun or intriguing, and So Do You! It is no good for you to make her feel like a bad person (even if you don't mean to, you are making her feel terrible about herself). There are loads of young women who would Love to meet such a positive, caring guy as you are. I know you don't believe it now, but man alive - they are dying trying to find you. It will be so rewarding for you and a like-minded woman to share sports and the outdoors and intimacy and deep discussions about humanity and making music together that you can't even picture it! Free your heart (it's going to hurt plenty for a few months) to meet new people who want to share a life that you want to share with them! There are dozens of them right now, wondering why they can't meet a 'good guy' like you This is for the further future though. Right now, you need to turn yourself into an adult man, close down the pain, and break it off with her. Then find other ways to fulfill your life (not with women). After 6 or 8 months, you'll be a new person and ready to meet someone else. Truly. Let this one go play with her people. Love and Peace to you brother, you're going to be great in about 6 months.
mortensorchid Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 You really love this girl? Then her past should not matter to you. We have all had a past, we've all done things we are not proud of. But it helps shape your present and your future. People can and do change, but only once they make the decission to do so.
Author letterman Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Thank you all for the reply, except O'Farrell lol. I need to talk to her about this face to face and see where we stand after. I can't keep blocking these feelings I've had for about a year now. Its not fair to deal with the past when you had nothing to do with it. I feel bad about springing this up on her though....any suggestions?
Quiet Storm Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Letterman, I am sorry to hear that you are in the situation you are in. It is extremely difficult to reconcile the positive feelings you have for your girlfriend, and the realization that this person has made personal and moral choices you find repugnant. Psychologists term this phenomena "cognitive dissonance," and it can be very painful. I once found myself in a very similar position as you are in now. I had begun dating a beautiful, sophisticated, and intelligent girl the same age as your girlfriend. Over the course of time, I too discovered that she had a long history of drug use and involvement in selling drugs. At least one and maybe more of her previous boyfriends were serious drug dealers. I'm familiar with the sick feeling in the stomach I suspect you have come to know. To make a long story short, my personal advice-and this is just me- is to end the relationship. That may not be what you want to hear, but it is the wisest thing to do. Healthy relationships exist between people with reasonably similar morals and values, and it's very rare in my experience to see otherwise. Your girlfriend has made choices which she has to live with. She will never not be a drug user or pusher; time only flows in one way. That is a fact which will never change, and you don't want to be in a situation where you have to forgive/forget what this person did every single day. That's a recipe for a lifetime of anger and resentment. Also, keep in mind that by staying you send the message that this person's actions are acceptable, to you. Staying in the relationship validates the action. If you are strongly anti-drug, like you seem to be and I certainly was, I'm afraid staying might not be possible without compromising who you are, and you values. It might be time to cut the cord, and find someone whose actions don't eat you up inside when you wake up every morning. I agree. I think that eventually, you will end up resenting her. It will be like a black cloud hanging over your relationship. It's okay to care about someone's past. I don't think it's right to judge someone for their race, religion, sexual orientation...but I think it's perfectly to fine to judge someone by their own actions. I think it's a smart way to guard ourselves from people that are not positive or healthy for us. Even if it's not fair to her. You have every right to want certain standards in a partner.
Stupid Girl Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Everyone is all "OMG!!" but honestly I'm failing to see what the big deal is here. She had sex with 5 guys...maybe (?) a lot for a 20 year old, but certainly nowhere in the realm of whore or prostitute. And she tried e and coke...maybe I'm jaded being from the city...but, seriously, you cried your eyes out over that? It's pretty common for teenagers to experiment with drugs (especially if they are close in proximity, as it seems your girlfriend was to them, with her exes being drug dealers), and as long as she's not an addict frankly I don't see what the big deal is. She sounds like a normal teenager/early 20s individual and you sound really sheltered and uptight.
Quiet Storm Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Everyone is all "OMG!!" but honestly I'm failing to see what the big deal is here. She had sex with 5 guys...maybe (?) a lot for a 20 year old, but certainly nowhere in the realm of whore or prostitute. And she tried e and coke...maybe I'm jaded being from the city...but, seriously, you cried your eyes out over that? It's pretty common for teenagers to experiment with drugs (especially if they are close in proximity, as it seems your girlfriend was to them, with her exes being drug dealers), and as long as she's not an addict frankly I don't see what the big deal is. She sounds like a normal teenager/early 20s individual and you sound really sheltered and uptight. It doesn't matter that what she did isn't a big deal to you or any of us. What matters is that it's a big deal to him.
yongyong Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 do you remember a junkie girl from 'breaking bad'? (the one died at night) You are going to feel like her father
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