Author rose45 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 not a problem. I'm 27 and he is two years older.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 not a problem. I'm 27 and he is two years older. ... I gave my advice, I don't mean to sound rude, but by your situation I would think you both are teenagers.
Author rose45 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 (edited) we aren't teenagers when working and having a career lol i know plenty of other girlfriends who are my age but stuff like this happens to them too and that's why it's always good to come here sometimes dating does feel like highschool to be honest...there will always be some sort of game you sometimes need to play, sometimes follow rules or break rules. so regardless of that...just wanted to get advice on what to do going forward. And it seems like trying to remain calm, go with the flow, and mirror his actions at times is the best route? Edited July 17, 2012 by rose45
veggirl Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Not texting back right away isn't flakey IMO. Cancelling dates and whatnot is. Has he done that at all? Do you guys have plans for a next date? How often do you see one another? Do you go on actual dates, or is it just hanging out at someone's house? I think those things are much more indicative of his interest level than how quickly he texts back. eta: avoid the "jokey" confrontational texts like "lol flakey!"--that is very transparent and he will read right through it, it makes you look clingy / needy.
Author rose45 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 hey vegg, good point too. No he hasn't really done that. One time due to helping family etc We do go on dates and also hang out at his place too. He's treating me in person as more than a casual thing. Just sometimes stuff like this happens and it makes me think ok, it's still casual etc etc lol
turt Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Maybe he doesn't stare at his phone all day long... I go for hours without looking at my phone even when I'm at home. I also can't use it during work hours. Texting is also annoying when it's non stop at any time of the day. Stop trying analyze everything so negatively. You're just going to end up ruining any chance together.
thatone Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 (edited) I met someone from online..we have been out about 5 times so far. Things seem to be going well and he seems to be interested. I have been trying to keep things fun, have a good sense of humor etc. I actually met some of his friends and family already. That is great and sweet in a sense but from my experience a guy can flake or even blow a person off despite introducing them to friends and family early on so I don't place great importance on this (yet anyway) We are usually in some form of contact each day whether through texting or calling. We do joke around alot through text b/c sometimes we can't talk. At times though he tends to flake for a whole day and night where I don't hear a word and then the next day he will text me not really explaining anything. So that right there shows he isn't taking this too seriously yet (and maybe never will) despite his actions when together. This is about the 2nd or third time it's happened. He had a very stressful week at work and I felt now that the week was over, things would get back to normal. I texted him in the afternoon joking around and no response. A few hours later i texted asking if he was still planning on going to so and so..by the end of the work day i just joked saying hope you're ok lol and left it alone. I should have stopped after one text--that was silly of me but we have texted alot in the past so i felt semi comfortable with it. He doesn't respond until 11pm at night. I was actually starting to think before he may be blowing me off (insecurity maybe from other guys) and he doesn't explain anything..just says hey sorry lol etc etc I pointed out in a joking way ok flaky lol He did text me in the morning and I just feel like maybe I need to start mirroring what he does at times? If he takes hours to respond then I should do the same..not necessarily to play games but to show the same type of consideration he is showing me. I feel it's wayyy too early for me to say anything to him but I can show with my actions how I should be treated?? He has mentioned if he is stressed or something like that he almost just focuses on that and shuts down but I doubt that was the case with this.... Or maybe I am just expecting too much too soon at this point? stop. seriously. i ignore virtually all of my gf's texts. we've been together for 6 months this friday, i even watch after her kid and her kid's friends when she's busy. unless it's at the top of my feed? yep, her facebook posts get ignored too. it could very well just be his habits. not everyone likes to text. i don't. i don't like random messages on facebook from people that i talk to every day on the phone either. hello, we have phone conversation, why do we need to talk on facebook? i work on an old house i bought during the day and when i'm out in my shop i don't even take my phone out there, so no one is calling or texting me, for at least 5 or 6 hours a day. so she gets this and doesn't get upset when i don't text back or don't respond to her facebook posts about how awesome i am. your guy may very well be the same way, but the only way to find out is to calmly ask him about it rather than sitting around stewing in insecurity about it. don't make problems that aren't problems yet. if you talk about it then you find out something he prefers and he finds out something you prefer and if you both make effort to meet those preferences then you both get reassurance that the other person is interested. isn't that a better idea than sitting around by yourself pretending that you can read someone else's mind? Edited July 18, 2012 by thatone
Author rose45 Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 thatone, you have a good point too..maybe i am making problems where they don't exist yet I decided to text him back around 8:30pm and also mentioned call me later if you want etc He wrote back around 40 minutes later saying he is out with family for so and so's birthday and will give me a call when he gets in with a smile face. I was really happy he atleast gave me the consideration to tell me what's going on. I responded saying to enjoy and talk to you later etc. Hours later and no call..i was a little upset but tried to remain rational that maybe he was with them longer than he thought he would be? Is this another example of lack of interest? Little bit upset....
thatone Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 that's different. if he says he'll call and he won't, that's being flaky, yes. i mean, relationships are all compromises to an extent. my gf texts, i don't. we compared phone bills once and she had like 1100 texts, i had 100, lol. and most of those 100 were random bits of information that went unanswered (i'm going to meet someone and tell them to text me the address for GPS, or i'm getting a number for someone and tell them to text it to me, for example). but the compromise is i do call her, every day we're not together. if she isn't going to get a call for some reason i let her know what i'm doing at least and tell her i'll talk to her later. again maybe this dude is just apathetic about cell phones in general. some people are. but either way you should bring it up and see what he says. if you come to some sort of compromise that both people live up to, it's probably nothing. if he gets all apologetic and changes for a few days then stops and goes back to disregarding what you agreed upon, then that's a bigger issue. but there's no way to find out until you talk to him about it. 1
TheFinalWord Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I met someone from online..we have been out about 5 times so far. Things seem to be going well and he seems to be interested. I have been trying to keep things fun, have a good sense of humor etc. I actually met some of his friends and family already. That is great and sweet in a sense but from my experience a guy can flake or even blow a person off despite introducing them to friends and family early on so I don't place great importance on this (yet anyway) We are usually in some form of contact each day whether through texting or calling. We do joke around alot through text b/c sometimes we can't talk. At times though he tends to flake for a whole day and night where I don't hear a word and then the next day he will text me not really explaining anything. So that right there shows he isn't taking this too seriously yet (and maybe never will) despite his actions when together. This is about the 2nd or third time it's happened. He had a very stressful week at work and I felt now that the week was over, things would get back to normal. I texted him in the afternoon joking around and no response. A few hours later i texted asking if he was still planning on going to so and so..by the end of the work day i just joked saying hope you're ok lol and left it alone. I should have stopped after one text--that was silly of me but we have texted alot in the past so i felt semi comfortable with it. He doesn't respond until 11pm at night. I was actually starting to think before he may be blowing me off (insecurity maybe from other guys) and he doesn't explain anything..just says hey sorry lol etc etc I pointed out in a joking way ok flaky lol He did text me in the morning and I just feel like maybe I need to start mirroring what he does at times? If he takes hours to respond then I should do the same..not necessarily to play games but to show the same type of consideration he is showing me. I feel it's wayyy too early for me to say anything to him but I can show with my actions how I should be treated?? He has mentioned if he is stressed or something like that he almost just focuses on that and shuts down but I doubt that was the case with this.... Or maybe I am just expecting too much too soon at this point? Maybe I am just old fashioned, but I do not think there is anything wrong with just asking him where he sees this going. Why is it way to early to expect to be treated respectfully? I also don't think it's healthy to bottle things up like you're doing. That's called passive communication. You have a right to expect to be treated respectfully. Communication patterns matter in a relationship. Yes, maybe he just doesn't like to communicate much (though I think a guy should call and not text much at the beginning; especially if he doesn't like to text. Don't do it a bunch at the beginning then just stop). That's fine if it's his personality. But if you don't like that pattern, than you should ask yourself if you really want to be with him. I personally think you should trust you gut. Has his communication pattern changed? B/c if a guy is into a girl, he will find time. Hey if the President of the US can find time for his wife, then a regular Joe can too Yeah, they live together but that guy has the weight to the world on his shoulders and non-stop schedule. Especially a text. I mean come on, you can text back sitting on the toilet if you have to. At least a courtesy text like someone else said. I know people say 5 dates isn't a lot, and it isn't if you're thinking about a long term relationship potential...but it is enough to start developing feelings and to know if there are potential problems. For men it doesn't normally take us 5 dates to know if we're into a woman. We figure it out a lot quicker than women usually. I would say if you are developing feelings there is nothing wrong with asking him. I think you must feel something for him to care this much. If you have a gut feeling that something is off, it's better to say something to him. At least you will have your self-respect.
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 This has a disaster written all over it. The problem is; you are already over-invested and he is not. You can't just "go with the flow". The only way these relationship that start lukewarm work out is if BOTH people are on the same page. You need to find someone who is prepared to give you back what you put in.... this guys isn't it.
veggirl Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 With the update about the phone call yeah I'd say that's a bad sign. If he couldn't call when he said he would, he should have texted. I think his interest is low. I would ask him where he sees this R going, and get out if it's not in line with what you want.
Author rose45 Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 thanks for the responses guys. I was really upset last night that he didn't call or didn't text me Maybe I am investing too much too soon and really need to mirror his actions until he becomes more serious (if he ever does) and maybe just give it more time? it has been 5 dates but at the same time i think it's rude still and flaky Before reading these responses, I just felt the need to flat out ask him early in the morning if he even still wants to talk. I wrote do you still want to keep talking; we have barely spoken. He responds back AT THE END OF THE DAY saying where he was etc and sorry (he has this side job this weekend and met with the group for a social thing today). I just think even if you are with other people, you can take 1 minute to respond and say hey, it's a little busy right now..something So it made me think either he just thinks this is normal and no big deal or his interest is low and he isn't as invested as someone else said. In terms of when we are together, he is very open about being out with me..if he gets a phone call or has to make a call to his dad or whoever he will say I am with so and so right now, we are doing this, how's everything. He has asked me questions about my ex..he's talked about what happened with his ex. He is the type that wants kids. He is affectionate and attentive..in the past he would usually want to stop by if he was coming home from work in my direction Maybe i just feel things have changed b/c last week was truly a bad week for him. Maybe i need to just let things go and see if anything changes next week? A girlfriend of mine said she wouldn't respond to the text tonight and wait til tomorrow..whether it makes a difference or not it's just giving him a taste of his own medicine in a sense. What do you think? Or do i respond back later or let it go tonight? I'm not ready to just walk away. I probably just need a little further advice. Thank you!!
veggirl Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Well, has he scheduled another date? Whens the last time you saw him? When will you see him again? Texting "do you still wanna talk" after 5 dates was a bad move, but honestly I'm not sure it really matters anymore.....I'd back off on starting any contact, just see what he does.
It's Just Me Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Oh, I'd SO be out of the game at this point. Gone. I have no patience for this sort of thing (and I've seen it many times in the past).
Author rose45 Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 hey vegg girl, we saw each other last weekend but to be 100% honest last week there was no way we could see each other..there was alot of stress with his job and things he had to do as a yearly type thing. So i sort of tried disregarding if we couldn't talk at times etc etc This week is more getting back to normal but he leaves for his side job tomorrow and doesn't get back til sunday. So it seems it's been a busy two weeks. I didn't respond to his text from earlier. I was sort of listening to my girlfriend of how I should just let it go tonight and maybe write something short tomorrow and then don't bother him on the weekend at all really. What do you think? Or do I respond tonight? It probably was a bad move to ask that but we have been pretty open with each other in a sense. I felt like we had more of a bond in some sense going because I have stayed over his place due to us not living super close(nothing sexual happening). But i feel it brings you a little closer to the person. So maybe also in that sense too I felt it was ok to ask what's going on. Maybe not but it was just my thought at the time. Write back please.
snowflakes88 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 You are totally obsessing. It has been five dates. He is not your boyfriend. It doesn't sound like you are even exclusive. He is probably feeling you out, getting to know you, whereas it seems you're already planning a relationship in your head. In any event, it is clear that he is nowhere near as interested as you are. I would recommend you do nothing and allow him to initiate contact for awhile. You are waaaaaaaaaay overinvested.
Author rose45 Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 thanks for responding. point well taken. I think you are right.
Author rose45 Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 snowflake, i sent you a private message. Thanks.
Author rose45 Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 still wondering if i should write back tonight or not and respond
TheFinalWord Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 hey vegg girl, we saw each other last weekend but to be 100% honest last week there was no way we could see each other..there was alot of stress with his job and things he had to do as a yearly type thing. So i sort of tried disregarding if we couldn't talk at times etc etc This week is more getting back to normal but he leaves for his side job tomorrow and doesn't get back til sunday. So it seems it's been a busy two weeks. I didn't respond to his text from earlier. I was sort of listening to my girlfriend of how I should just let it go tonight and maybe write something short tomorrow and then don't bother him on the weekend at all really. What do you think? Or do I respond tonight? It probably was a bad move to ask that but we have been pretty open with each other in a sense. I felt like we had more of a bond in some sense going because I have stayed over his place due to us not living super close(nothing sexual happening). But i feel it brings you a little closer to the person. So maybe also in that sense too I felt it was ok to ask what's going on. Maybe not but it was just my thought at the time. Write back please. I'll summarize: I don't care what his job is, he can make time for you if he is interested enough. Skype, phone, ect. Does he use the restroom? Does he eat? Is he human? Then he has time, if he is interested.
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