rose45 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I met someone from online..we have been out about 5 times so far. Things seem to be going well and he seems to be interested. I have been trying to keep things fun, have a good sense of humor etc. I actually met some of his friends and family already. That is great and sweet in a sense but from my experience a guy can flake or even blow a person off despite introducing them to friends and family early on so I don't place great importance on this (yet anyway) We are usually in some form of contact each day whether through texting or calling. We do joke around alot through text b/c sometimes we can't talk. At times though he tends to flake for a whole day and night where I don't hear a word and then the next day he will text me not really explaining anything. So that right there shows he isn't taking this too seriously yet (and maybe never will) despite his actions when together. This is about the 2nd or third time it's happened. He had a very stressful week at work and I felt now that the week was over, things would get back to normal. I texted him in the afternoon joking around and no response. A few hours later i texted asking if he was still planning on going to so and so..by the end of the work day i just joked saying hope you're ok lol and left it alone. I should have stopped after one text--that was silly of me but we have texted alot in the past so i felt semi comfortable with it. He doesn't respond until 11pm at night. I was actually starting to think before he may be blowing me off (insecurity maybe from other guys) and he doesn't explain anything..just says hey sorry lol etc etc I pointed out in a joking way ok flaky lol He did text me in the morning and I just feel like maybe I need to start mirroring what he does at times? If he takes hours to respond then I should do the same..not necessarily to play games but to show the same type of consideration he is showing me. I feel it's wayyy too early for me to say anything to him but I can show with my actions how I should be treated?? He has mentioned if he is stressed or something like that he almost just focuses on that and shuts down but I doubt that was the case with this.... Or maybe I am just expecting too much too soon at this point?
Pasttense Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 It's not that is too soon; it is that people vary massively in how frequently they interact with people they are in a relationship with. For example, if you look at long-time married couples I think you will find a great many who don't feel it is necessary to contact the other while he/she is working--unless there is a specific reason.
Author rose45 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 ok it's true..maybe sometimes people view things different especially since his schedule varies but do I interpret this as flakiness for now? I sort of think it's rude all those hours you couldn't get back to me. He didn't explain why so it probably shows he feels he doesn't have to explain and I am also thinking it wasn't anything major preventing him from getting back to me. He just chose not to. Maybe just play it cool for now and see how things go? Do I mirror what he does though? I have read alot of articles that if a guy takes hours to respond, you do the same. If he calls much later than he said he would let it go to voicemail and through actions you show how you want to be treated.
MrCastle Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Flakiness is when someone bails on a date at the last second with a lame, possibly fake excuse. What he's displaying is lack of interest. I'm always someone who sees the concept of texting as something very easy to do. I don't understand how/why some people take a very long time to text, if they text back at all. Most people have their phones on them 24/7. You clearly got the text. Some people actually look at their screen, say "oh, so an so texted me", and ignore the message? I'm not into that. If you don't provide a reason why it took you so long, I kind of take that as a hint you're not really interested in talking. If it is a common occurance, I either start mirroring their actions, which sucks because I hate to play games, but sometimes you have no choice, or I next them. 2
Shaun-Dro Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I met someone from online..we have been out about 5 times so far. Things seem to be going well and he seems to be interested. I have been trying to keep things fun, have a good sense of humor etc. I actually met some of his friends and family already. That is great and sweet in a sense but from my experience a guy can flake or even blow a person off despite introducing them to friends and family early on so I don't place great importance on this (yet anyway) We are usually in some form of contact each day whether through texting or calling. We do joke around alot through text b/c sometimes we can't talk. At times though he tends to flake for a whole day and night where I don't hear a word and then the next day he will text me not really explaining anything. So that right there shows he isn't taking this too seriously yet (and maybe never will) despite his actions when together. This is about the 2nd or third time it's happened. He had a very stressful week at work and I felt now that the week was over, things would get back to normal. I texted him in the afternoon joking around and no response. A few hours later i texted asking if he was still planning on going to so and so..by the end of the work day i just joked saying hope you're ok lol and left it alone. I should have stopped after one text--that was silly of me but we have texted alot in the past so i felt semi comfortable with it. He doesn't respond until 11pm at night. I was actually starting to think before he may be blowing me off (insecurity maybe from other guys) and he doesn't explain anything..just says hey sorry lol etc etc I pointed out in a joking way ok flaky lol He did text me in the morning and I just feel like maybe I need to start mirroring what he does at times? If he takes hours to respond then I should do the same..not necessarily to play games but to show the same type of consideration he is showing me. I feel it's wayyy too early for me to say anything to him but I can show with my actions how I should be treated?? He has mentioned if he is stressed or something like that he almost just focuses on that and shuts down but I doubt that was the case with this.... Or maybe I am just expecting too much too soon at this point? When it comes to online dating, there's always a high risk of someone from the other end flaking out. Believe it or not, it occurs about half and half on both sexes, however women take the cake in the real-life encounters.
Author rose45 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 thanks for the responses!! So how do I handle this going forward? I agree, sometimes in situations like this that happen more than once you have to show through your actions you won't be so available. Like for example, he texts me this morning asking about work. I haven't responded which is hard but to be honest I feel like I should mirror what he has done and be nice about it and pretend it's no big deal. He may not care but it's just the fact that if he is going to not take the interest in getting back to me earlier than 11pm then I shouldn't either.... Other than that, when we are together the signs point to him being interested and wanting to get serious and he shows signs of wanting to see me (disregarding last week due to very stressful time for him which i understood). I'm worried this will fade out and I don't want it to. So i'm trying to be smart with how I handle these types of scenarios and not taking the interest to respond back. Do I not respond to later tonight? I think it might be a good thing to show I'm not expecting or wanting to see you after work with you being "flaky" the day before....
writergal Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I met someone from online..we have been out about 5 times so far. Things seem to be going well and he seems to be interested. I have been trying to keep things fun, have a good sense of humor etc. I actually met some of his friends and family already. That is great and sweet in a sense but from my experience a guy can flake or even blow a person off despite introducing them to friends and family early on so I don't place great importance on this (yet anyway) We are usually in some form of contact each day whether through texting or calling. We do joke around alot through text b/c sometimes we can't talk. At times though he tends to flake for a whole day and night where I don't hear a word and then the next day he will text me not really explaining anything. So that right there shows he isn't taking this too seriously yet (and maybe never will) despite his actions when together. This is about the 2nd or third time it's happened. He had a very stressful week at work and I felt now that the week was over, things would get back to normal. I texted him in the afternoon joking around and no response. A few hours later i texted asking if he was still planning on going to so and so..by the end of the work day i just joked saying hope you're ok lol and left it alone. I should have stopped after one text--that was silly of me but we have texted alot in the past so i felt semi comfortable with it. He doesn't respond until 11pm at night. I was actually starting to think before he may be blowing me off (insecurity maybe from other guys) and he doesn't explain anything..just says hey sorry lol etc etc I pointed out in a joking way ok flaky lol He did text me in the morning and I just feel like maybe I need to start mirroring what he does at times? If he takes hours to respond then I should do the same..not necessarily to play games but to show the same type of consideration he is showing me. I feel it's wayyy too early for me to say anything to him but I can show with my actions how I should be treated?? He has mentioned if he is stressed or something like that he almost just focuses on that and shuts down but I doubt that was the case with this.... Or maybe I am just expecting too much too soon at this point? 5 dates does not a relationship make, nor does it mean either of you need to be exclusive with each other this early on. He's probably still dating other women (no offense) whom he met online. I have to agree with Mr Castle that your guy's text-silence is a sign that his interest in you has waned. Otherwise he would have responded in a more timely fashion, even if just to text, "got your text. am busy. will text later" to acknowledge your text and validate that you matter to him. Texting isn't real communication either. It's just text on a screen. Seems like real communication isn't valued anymore in terms of dating, back when people actually talked on the phone. I got rid of the data plan on my cellphone for this reason, so that people will have to call me to stay in touch. But I'm from a different generation (Gen Xer). His inconsistent texting means he's blowing you off. And if he's doing this at date 5 already, chances are you're still just an option to him and not a priority.
Shaun-Dro Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 thanks for the responses!! So how do I handle this going forward? I agree, sometimes in situations like this that happen more than once you have to show through your actions you won't be so available. Like for example, he texts me this morning asking about work. I haven't responded which is hard but to be honest I feel like I should mirror what he has done and be nice about it and pretend it's no big deal. He may not care but it's just the fact that if he is going to not take the interest in getting back to me earlier than 11pm then I shouldn't either.... Other than that, when we are together the signs point to him being interested and wanting to get serious and he shows signs of wanting to see me (disregarding last week due to very stressful time for him which i understood). I'm worried this will fade out and I don't want it to. So i'm trying to be smart with how I handle these types of scenarios and not taking the interest to respond back. Do I not respond to later tonight? I think it might be a good thing to show I'm not expecting or wanting to see you after work with you being "flaky" the day before.... Apparently, you're trying to get him to chase you. This manuever probably won't work but do whatever you want. I'm curious, are you having trouble attracting suitable mates in real life?
Author rose45 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 i'm kind of upset writergal what do you think i should do..It gets confusing when he brings you around friends, family, shows signs of wanting a girlfriend and then gets flaky/lack of interest/too busy some days to respond to a simple text. Maybe I need to just keep doing what I was doing and see how it goes but it's hard when stuff like this happens...it's funny because the first time we went out, he asked me the next day for coffee which turned into a night out in his area where I met his friends etc and each week we seem to be hanging out (also i haven't slept with him and glad i haven't) Just sad now b/c I'm not sure if he is losing interest or maybe he will come around if i let him come to me more....
writergal Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 thanks for the responses!! So how do I handle this going forward? I agree, sometimes in situations like this that happen more than once you have to show through your actions you won't be so available. Like for example, he texts me this morning asking about work. I haven't responded which is hard but to be honest I feel like I should mirror what he has done and be nice about it and pretend it's no big deal. He may not care but it's just the fact that if he is going to not take the interest in getting back to me earlier than 11pm then I shouldn't either.... Other than that, when we are together the signs point to him being interested and wanting to get serious and he shows signs of wanting to see me (disregarding last week due to very stressful time for him which i understood). I'm worried this will fade out and I don't want it to. So i'm trying to be smart with how I handle these types of scenarios and not taking the interest to respond back. Do I not respond to later tonight? I think it might be a good thing to show I'm not expecting or wanting to see you after work with you being "flaky" the day before.... Have you ever read that book by Greg Behrendt, "He's Just Not That Into You"? In the book, he equates not calling with not dating. "If he's not calling you, it's because you're not on his mind." Same with texting. As Mr. Behrendt says, "don't be with someone who doesn't do what they say they're going to do." If he doesn't text you regularly or respond to your texts in a timely fashion, he doesn't respect your feelings or your needs. And this is only after 5 dates. Do you really want to continue to invest your time in a guy who is already disappointing you and confusing you by his mixed messages (shows interest in you when together in person, but essentially ignores your existence in between dates by not responding to your texts or calling you)? 1
Author rose45 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 shaun, I'm not trying to get him to chase me and I really don't want to play these game..someone wrote earlier games are horrible but sometimes it's neccessary if they can't even respond to a text for hours on end. It's to mirror his actions towards me.
Author rose45 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 thanks for your response writergal well the other thing is--sometimes i think well it's been only 5 dates..maybe i am just expecting too much and I need to give this time to let the potential relationship grow..meaning don't expect contact each day or initiate it each day either. A friend told me this isn't serious yet and don't take it as serious..just enjoy dating him for now. Frustrating...
Author rose45 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 I did read that book actually and also read alot of articles in general one points out: "The best way to deal with a guy that is being flaky is to ignore him. Don’t get insecure, don’t get needy, don’t get hysterical, don’t text him incessantly, don’t bother to stalk him, and don’t invest the time to spy on him and all of his friends on social networking web sites. The best thing is to just get to know him a little bit better. That way you are giving him the benefit of the doubt while simultaneously not letting your own fears wreck your chances. Maybe he is in the middle of a breakup, or maybe he is busy at work, or maybe he really is dealing with some other life issues other than relationships right now. Men get busy and like to concentrate on one thing so they are able to put a girl aside much longer than a girl is able to put a guy aside. Men are just naturally more independent so if he’s being flaky start getting back to your own life." 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 As someone who can't constantly text, I see no problem at all with what he is doing... You need to slow your roll. 5 dates isn't that many, stop over analyzing and just go with the flow. I am currently dating one guy [date 4 coming up] who I won't hear from for a whole day, he eventually texts me though and when he does it is back and forth banter. Maybe he isn't very into me, or maybe he is just busy. I don't care either way, I enjoy his company and have found that over thinking is not only exhausting, but depressing.
Author rose45 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 miss jac, thanks for your response as well. To be honest, that is what I was doing until about the 4th date..then i started getting anxious and worried. Do you think it's better to maybe hold off not texting him to later in the evening? and act like everything is ok, go with the flow as you said?
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I did read that book actually and also read alot of articles in general one points out: "The best way to deal with a guy that is being flaky is to ignore him. Don’t get insecure, don’t get needy, don’t get hysterical, don’t text him incessantly, don’t bother to stalk him, and don’t invest the time to spy on him and all of his friends on social networking web sites. The best thing is to just get to know him a little bit better. That way you are giving him the benefit of the doubt while simultaneously not letting your own fears wreck your chances. Maybe he is in the middle of a breakup, or maybe he is busy at work, or maybe he really is dealing with some other life issues other than relationships right now. Men get busy and like to concentrate on one thing so they are able to put a girl aside much longer than a girl is able to put a guy aside. Men are just naturally more independent so if he’s being flaky start getting back to your own life." This is the biggest part, it took a long time for me to realize how the best way to deal with these situations is to just not deal with them at all. Just keep doing what you are doing, and if you feel yourself losing interest cut ties, otherwise, what is there to lose?
writergal Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 ETA: Men who come on strong tend to disappear just as quickly, leaving the woman dazed and confused as to what happened. I think it's a huge red flag that he's already introduced you to his family and friends when you two still barely know each other. How old are you both? You need to take control of the pace if you want to be sure of his true intentions. And that means communicating your doubts with him in a phone call or in person, but not via text. Texting is not real communication. It's just words on a screen.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 miss jac, thanks for your response as well. To be honest, that is what I was doing until about the 4th date..then i started getting anxious and worried. Do you think it's better to maybe hold off not texting him to later in the evening? and act like everything is ok, go with the flow as you said? I am sorry, but planning to go with the flow, is NOT going with the flow. Text him when you want to text him. Just don't over think if he doesn't text back right away.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 ETA: Men who come on strong tend to disappear just as quickly, leaving the woman dazed and confused as to what happened. I think it's a huge red flag that he's already introduced you to his family and friends when you two still barely know each other. How old are you both? You need to take control of the pace if you want to be sure of his true intentions. And that means communicating your doubts with him in a phone call or in person, but not via text. Texting is not real communication. It's just words on a screen. Didn't even realize that but TOTALLY agree.
Author rose45 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 Writergal, I 100% agree with you on that!! This has actually happened to me before..introduced me on the 2nd date! and they did like me and he bailed pretty much that. So when he introduced we did have alot of communication and we saw each other a few times but it got me nervous he will bail too. Miss Jac, What is your advice? Should I wait til the evening to respond back? be nice and be normal and begin to mirror at times what he does? i.e. take a few hours or more to respond.
Author rose45 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 so you guys think he will probably bail with the fact he introduced me so early on? He even was willing to meet my parents (b/c im currently living at home even though i'm well of age to be on my own) and i just don't allow that stuff unless i know he is sticking around.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Writergal, I 100% agree with you on that!! This has actually happened to me before..introduced me on the 2nd date! and they did like me and he bailed pretty much that. So when he introduced we did have alot of communication and we saw each other a few times but it got me nervous he will bail too. Miss Jac, What is your advice? Should I wait til the evening to respond back? be nice and be normal and begin to mirror at times what he does? i.e. take a few hours or more to respond. My advice is to do what you want to do! Go out and do something if all you are going to do is sit here and worry about it.
Author rose45 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 well i am just trying to get advice because I don't always have time be on this site and alot of my friends have different schedules too. It helps me out alot when I post.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 so you guys think he will probably bail with the fact he introduced me so early on? He even was willing to meet my parents (b/c im currently living at home even though i'm well of age to be on my own) and i just don't allow that stuff unless i know he is sticking around. What does that even mean?! LOL "he will probably bail" All I thought when I read that is to me if a man brought me home so soon, it would be a huge sign of immaturity. That is just me though...
Author rose45 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 bail meaning blow me off, leave etc etc lol I don't see it as immature..i just see it as sweet but somewhat confusing because it's hard to tell what that even means..does it mean you like me enough that you may want to get serious etc etc but that's not really the issue right now per say.. I hate games but sometimes I feel like it can be necessary at times..i've read articles giving advice to give a little, then pull back...don't get emotional if he doesn't act the way you want him to..it shows neediness early on which can scare guys away(i agree with that) another article wrote to someone else: "I’m going to give you the same advice that I give to guys in this case because it applies across the board: Be unreactive to it and assume they really, really like you." He goes one explaining to choose not to react and be cool with everything..otherwise they have the power to manipulate you etc
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