snowflake87 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Hi! I'm new at this forum but I've been reading it in the shadows and it has been a great support for me. Long story short, we started a thing with one of my classmates and 4 months into it he found a good job in his hometown, about 3-4 hours by train from where we were studying. Firstly we decided to keep it casually but now it's been almost a year and things are progressing quite well. Even though neither him or I are good at expressing feelings, I feel loved, cared and I love him and care about him a lot. The downside is that he seems to need a lot of "me time", and doesn't need as much communication as me. It's not like I would need to chat everyday for hours but just a quick call every night, one short sms, or an email would do fine. I've discussed that with him and he says that it's because sometimes he is very tired from his day and he really has nothing interesting to tell me. The truth is that I sometimes feel the same way, tired and without much to say, but insecure as I am, I need some kind of reassurance daily and I cannot help it but think that he is less interested in me than I really am with him. When we are together it's great, with some minor disagreements, but we really enjoy each other. I have just been back from his town after two fantastic weeks, but now I feel very lonely again, we have only talked on the phone once and he was in hurry and had to leave. If I don't call him I won't probably hear from him in few days. Anyone has had the same problem? Am I too needy? I have to admit that I don't really need daily communication either, but i'm very insecure and I interpret it as a sign that he doesn't care.
Beckr1 Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Hi Snowflake87, From what i've learnt after being in an ldr for 6 months (and going through some real highs and lows emotionally, and jumping to crazy conclusions because of the distance) males and females seem to have different needs in regards to levels of communication. Whereas we (women) seem to need constant reassurance from our boyfriends that they are still into us, men seem to become more comfortable quicker, and not have the need for as much communication. Of course i'm generalising saying that, but from reading a lot of threads this is the general conclusion i'm finding. From your post i don't think that you sound overly needy, especially in comparison to others i've read about on this forum. But i know what you mean about receiving some communication each day from your man, just so you keep that feeling of being part of a couple alive and feel a bond. You say you've discussed with him about how you'd like a bit more communication, and he's said its because he's tired/nothing to say? Could you maybe just ask him if he wouldn't mind sending a goodnight text to you each night as it makes you happy before you go to sleep to hear from him? That way if he is tired and doesn't have a lot to chat about, you at least receive some communication off him, and he doesn't need to stress about what to say as it's just a little short goodnight message. I do think men get to a stage where they become comfortable and slack off a little. But i don't think this necessarily means they are any less into you. If anything it could be a compliment as they are secure with you and your relationship. But for us women we intrepret it differently and assume he's losing interest. I don't think you have anything to worry about. You say you've just spent 2 weeks together, and only talked once since. Maybe he misses you so much and chatting on the phone accentuates how badly he misses you? I know ldr's are difficult, especially with men and women seemingly having different requirements to feel secure. You say you feel loved and cared for, and that's the main thing. If he makes you feel that way then try and keep that in mind, which i know is easier said than done. You need to reach a level of communication that you are both happy with, and as you don't sound demanding in the slightest to me, i hope your boyfriend takes on board your feelings and can possibly manage to send at least a daily text to you. Good luck and let us know how things go
WTRanger Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I'm in your guys' shoes with my LDR. My SO needs constant validation and it's starting to split us apart. The truth is, the sexes are just wired differently. Yes, communication is all you have in a LDR but you have to temper that with a realization that you need to start living your own life now. You have to take your mind off of him somehow. You have to let him rest a bit. The problem is, at least in my case, is that her need to be in near constant contact means that by the end of the day when we're supposed to call, we've (or I at least have) run out of things to say. However, let me say this. He needs to at least contact you once or twice a day. Going days without contact, that's not good either. It seems that both of you are on literal exact opposites. Just because he's in a LDR doesn't mean complete freedom. He still has a responsibility to you. 1
ladyabstrused Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Hey snowflake. Agreeing with WTRanger above. He should at least be contacting you once or twice a day. Otherwise I'd say he's not interested. LDRs aren't easy to maintain, but both need to have a mutual understanding. I'm sure he was telling you the truth about how he gets tired at the end of the day. So maybe you could have some communication on break times or something? Leave texts or voicemails? Hope it works out for you and him. Good luck!
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