oldschool1 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 The other night, I was in bed with my boyfriend (of 2 years+), and we were cuddling a bit. As he was falling asleep, he said "Goodnight...Love You." Well, I THINK that's what he said. He has NEVER said I love you even though I finally said it to him 3 months ago in a very unromantic way (he had said that he wasn't ready to say I love you and get married yet but was very into the relationship, bla bla). So, this was a weird one...especially from the most careful man in the world. Sure, he signs his cards with a "LOVE, ____," but that's not exactly the same thing. Was this some sort of weird accident, or is it a Freudian slip? No, we hadn't just had sex!! I've heard him say "Love you" to his beloved pet and even to MY pet, but he mentioned a few months ago that he's not an "I Love you sort of guy". We're in a serious relationship that has ramped up recently, but is this his non-confrontational way of telling me he loves me?
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Together for 2 years and neither of you have said I love you?!?!?! I am not one to judge, but the fact that you both haven't said it yet is weird. Just because you say "I love you" doesn't mean you have to get married... 1
Author oldschool1 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 Miss Jaclyn, feel free to judge!! I will judge my own relationship: we ARE weird!! I waited until three months ago to say ILY and said it at a very, very BAD moment (in the only major fight we've ever had). He seemed to equate ILY with marriage and said he wasn't ready for those things yet but that he was very into the relationship. He said he was not an "I love you" kind of guy...and now this? Could be a reflex or accident, but I have to say that this guy isn't accident-prone. I don't feel like I should say anything or do anything, but I am somewhat confused by it. And does "Love you" mean something different from "I love you"? Or is it just ILY's more casual cousin?
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 You've got to be kidding me oldschool1...this isn't either real or you're one of the most dense people on the planet. The guy isn't into you...you can tell whatever excuses you want to yourself until you're blue in the face...ridiculous relationship, but you seem not to mind or know any better...which is more reason you should end this so you realize that there's something more to life and romance than being in a relationship for 2 years and ask such a silly question. 1
Phennyphen Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 A guy who has been with you for 2 years and still doesnt love you, never will. Also, if I were you, I'd be fuming that he says I love you to his pet but not to you, so basically your worth less than a dog/cat to him 2
Author oldschool1 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 Well, I didn't expect the negative campaign. Ninja, you might very well be correct, but I didn't appreciate the cruelty. I have a PhD. Dense? No. Still learning about the intricacies of love? Yes. The cat and dog thing IS ridiculous, but I have to admit that I display similar tendencies. I find it substantially easier to tell my dog I love him than an adult human. Obviously, it's a different sort of attachment, but dogs and cats always love you back. It's silly, but my bf only started telling MY pet he loved him recently. Perhaps I'm grasping at straws here, but I thought it was cute that he was treating my dog as family!! Maybe this guy DOESN'T love me, and maybe I SHOULD leave him ultimately. But what the heck was that goodnight "Love You" business? It's not as if he was being forced to say something at that moment. I certainly have not brought up any ILY talk since that terrible moment over 3 months ago. Since that outburst, my boyfriend has made strides to become more serious with me---more time spent together, more talking, more plans, etc... It's not as if he's a BS artist, but of course I seriously wonder whether he could be a longterm partner if he's so reluctant to show or feel emotion. Do some people start with innocuous I love yous and move into more honest expressions once they get their bearings? Or is this totally meaningless?
Phennyphen Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Do some people start with innocuous I love yous and move into more honest expressions once they get their bearings? Or is this totally meaningless? Yes yes, at the start of the relationship, not two years in. Seriously, you can do better than a guy who says he doesnt beleive in love. Maybe when he said "love you" while he was half asleep, he thought he was saying it to the dog? Seriously, read your post as someone looking in, you're clutching at straws.
newmoon Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 (edited) i have been with my bf for about a year and 4 months and we both have not said ILY either - not even anything close. and, i say it to my pets in front of him and he's not hurt or offended. once or twice he has said something like 'that is one of my loveable qualities that you like' or 'you're not showing me any love right now' - simple phrases that use the word love but not in a meaningful way. so, i would suggest to you that your bf did not mean anything by what you heard. it sounds like he is similar to my bf in the sense that if and when he's ready to say it, it'll be a big deal and you'll know for sure because he'll say it clearly and mean it. i think it was just a slip/phrase and nothing meaningful. whether you choose to stay with someone who cannot say ILY at all is your own business, but I can say from my own experience that being in a relationship like that (which I'm currently in) doesn't allow the relationship to really grow much - partners need to be able to express feeling and emotion and after 2 years it's a shame he cannot do that for you. the reason i don't care is because i don't actually see my bf as a long-term partner, so it doesn't matter if he says it or not. Edited July 17, 2012 by newmoon 1
veggirl Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Wow! Well he was probably half asleep, half dreaming...perhaps of one of the pets?! No normal person equates ILY with having to get married. I think this is very bizarre. Are you actually okay with your BF not saying ILY 2 yrs in?! My BF and I waited to say it, a long time, 9 months! I take it seriously but s.hit...if we'd hit a year I would have walked if he couldn't say it, regardless of how much he showed it.
FryFish Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 lol... He probably DOES love you... and he certainly IS a commitmentphobe.
veggirl Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Why didn't you say "what did you say" or something when he said that? You could have clarified with him.
Author oldschool1 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 Good points all around. We are both divorced, and he's especially gun-shy about these things. Perhaps he IS a commitmentphobe, but he says that he's just slow. Excuses, excuses, but he admits freely that feelings are not his strongsuit. Actually, we don't live together but do spend a lot of time together. Things seem to be progressing, but I certainly don't intend to spend the rest of my life with someone who either won't tell me he loves me or doesn't actually love me. We began dating once a week, then twice a week, then three times and now more like 5, but he's been very consistent about wanting to see me and have a relationship. It took him about 6 months to publicly address me as his girlfriend (not that I called him my boyfriend either), but now he's very proud to introduce me to family and friends. Since we started out on the slow track, two years for us is like one year for a typical couple!! I can't understand people who meet, move in, get married and get pregnant within one year. That's not my style, and it certainly isn't my boyfriend's. I just want to make sure that he's serious about me longterm. I think we ARE emotionally connected, but we show it in different ways. Veggirl, I probably SHOULD have asked what he was saying, but I did a double-take and was falling asleep myself. Maybe it means absolutely nothing, but I could imagine him trying to slip something in subtly. We had spent a particularly nice evening together, and I could tell he was feeling connected. Saying I love you face-to-face might be too confrontational for him (at least at first). He's the type of guy who won't answer me directly when I complain about something (not that I do that often) but will end up doing what I ask. It's most likely his pride. No, it's not perfect. And he will have to continue to ramp things up to keep me. But he's a faithful, honest, intelligent and sexy guy, and things are still working for me. I just wanted to hear people's thoughts on the "Love You" episode. Consensus seems to be that it WAS a mistake and that it meant little to nothing. It's not a negative though. Somehow he associated me with love, so that's got to be somewhat encouraging.
Author oldschool1 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 Wow! Well he was probably half asleep, half dreaming...perhaps of one of the pets?! Haaaa! There's a lewd thought!
veggirl Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I have no problem with taking it slow, like I said my BF and I have as well and it's worked out fantastically. I couldn't take it *as* slow as you are though, but different strokes, if it works it works. At 2 yrs though, I would honestly sit him down and ask him "are you in love with me" Personally I could not be with someone who couldn't answer that in the affirmative (I'd give it up to 1 yr, max). But if you are okay with the status quo then who are we to judge? If he shows you he loves you and that is enough for now, then carry on.
Author oldschool1 Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Pierre, the same thought has crossed my mind. My boyfriend IS known for being blunt and cold, but he THINKS he's being the perfect gentleman. He follows his own weird "Man with no name" code and doesn't always realize what other people find normal. I do wonder what he'd be like down the line. If the sex would dry up, would I be horribly unhappy? I don't know... He is a bit of a narcissist, but I've never encountered a good looking/successful/confident man who didn't have some narcissistic traits. I would be patient enough to wait it all out, but I am 36. A few months ago I made it clear that I wasn't going to "hang out" with him for 5 years. While I'm not ready to get married again, I think I will be in a year or so. So, I want to see what happens here but am conscious of the fact that I am aging and don't want to be going on first dates at age 40 (no offense to those who are doing just that!!). If I want to have children, I'll also have to move on it SOON. The last few months have been very encouraging with my boyfriend, so perhaps he will take more steps to get closer. He's starting to look for a house to buy and wants to show me the listings and has taken me to the properties. I act casual, because I do not want to make it seem like I intend to live there. But, I think I do want to live there. Or I am at least open to exploring the possibility...but NOT to a guy who doesn't love me!! He'd have to have some breakthrough---and not a half-ass one with his eyes closed...
Stupid Girl Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I'm with everyone else that it's SUPER WEIRD for someone in their mid-30s to be in a 2 year relationship with no ILYs. What will change after this point, or what more can he learn about you at this point, that will cause him to change his mind and decide he does love you?
snowflakes88 Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 If you truly want marriage and kids, I think you're wasting precious time here. If it's been 2 years and he isn't in love with you / won't say "I love you," what on earth makes you think he will propose and/or marry you anytime soon?
FitChick Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 How does he act with close family members? Are they very affectionate in word and deed with each other? How did he act with his ex-wife?
reptilelover88 Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I agree with what's already been said. When you're in the right relationship, you will never have to question his love for you because it will be obvious through his words AND actions. My ex boyfriend was like yours; he only said 'I love you' when I gave him an ultimatum and it was clear he didn't mean it. No wonder I felt so insecure! Now I have met someone new and the difference is like light and day. Please don't sell yourself short, whatever your age. You deserve someone who is delighted to declare his love for you! 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Well, I didn't expect the negative campaign. Ninja, you might very well be correct, but I didn't appreciate the cruelty. I have a PhD. Dense? No. Still learning about the intricacies of love? Yes. It's not even about campaigning, this should be obvious to you. Obviously intellectual capacity has nothing to do with common sense, especially when it comes to romance/love which has been proven time and time again, you could be Jenny from the back boondocks of Arkansas or Christine the defense and you make the same stupid mistakes, except Billy bob works at a gas station and Fred is just another attorney you met at a Christmas party. It's not about being cruel, where is your sense? It's like someone needs to shake you and wake you up because whatever parallel universe you've crossed over in it's without any kind of fathomable romance, love or communication. This only strikes me to imagine how destructive your divorce or past marriage must have been, or how insecure or skeletons you got around running into your closet to be with a man for two whole years and you are wondering...not the state of the relationship or this shindig of a shoddy work you call a romance but whether he said "I love you" or not...are you 12? I'm sorry, how can I not be offensive when this is your state of mind? inherently It's going to be perceived as an immaturity, or you're going to greatly question the emotional/psychological state of mind of the person posing such a fundamental question...not something a grown adult who's succeeded in profound accomplishments of her life like attaining a PHD only to settle so lowly in her love life. But actually I've got experience in that arena as well...It seems typical that many educated people suffer from a severe lack of relationship experience and communication skills having dedicated so religiously to establishing their careers as It is a lifestyle rather than a typical career. Not sure what intricacies of love you are confused with...Do you actually believe that you could be in a healthy relationship and by year two can't even say I love you to your SO? Do you not notice this relationship retardation that you are participating in with a man who's either feels like he can take his sweet time or doesn't know how to communicate and express how he feels? Bottom line is you're into this guy, you think he's good looking, intelligent and shows a promise for a future so you're holding on with ovaries in hand hoping patiently this guy "will come around" to fulfilling this future that you've always imagined with him. However the bottoms dropped out on you in terms of the relationship and you won't look back to see the huge black hole that is your emotional relationship...you think this is going to get better? you think he will change? ha! It's utterly disappointing and almost unfathomable of why a woman would endure this for such a bleak promise of a future she only imagines but doesn't see right before her eyes. This man isn't in love with you and never will be, he's likely much weaker than you think because he doesn't have the balls to say he loves you then he doesn't have the balls to say he does not...therefore he'd rather hold you in limbo and decide upon you like a General looking upon his armies and deciding If this is the right "strategy"...completely disconnected, this man will undoubtedly have issues with his children If his own wife would feel this disconnect...maybe once they are kids he would baby and cradle with them but once into teens and have minds of their own then what? dear old dad, you know how he is, can't communicate or express himself just set in his ways and you'll be explaining feelings to your kids about how their father is and feels that you aren't even sure of yourself. The sacrifices people will make for the "white-picket fence" dream, don't be disappointed or surprised when it's not all you thought it was cracked up to be, because love is more than about material and financial stability and that will matter to you one day even If you think you can just "deal with it" for now...."then" isn't ever going to come. I hope for your sake I'm utterly wrong and mistaken. 1
maybealone Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I dated a guy for about 1-1/2 years. He was pretty clear to me that he really didn't think he was capable of loving someone, although he did want kids someday and claimed that he felt he would love them. Once in a great while he did utter "love you" to me, usually when he was sleepy and I was leaving for work. The relationship ended when he took a job 1,000 miles away and moved. I was not part of the discussion or decision, he just told me after he took the job and planned the move. After 1-1/2 years of being together. In hindsight, I think maybe I was okay with no ILYs because I wasn't truly in love with him. And I think he was still somehow hung up on his ex. I'm sure we wouldn't have worked out in the long term, simply because ILYs, affection, and all that stuff have become more important to me the older I got. So basically, you need to decide what you want. If you want ILYs and the stuff that goes along with that, you should move on and find someone more compatible in that way. If you are not an ILY type of person, then maybe this relationship will work for you in the long term. But don't hope that he will change and suddenly become the ILY type. Maybe, if it's an issue leftover from his divorce and he gets some therapy, but outside of that, I'd say that what you see is what you will get in the long term.
confusedgirlhere Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 He sounds a lot like my bf. Whether I think I can manage over the long term, depends on the day I'm thinking about it. I have a pretty high need for some demonstration. So having said that, unlike many others here I'm not that put off by the idea that he hasn't said it yet. It's a big step for him and has lots of meaning, so yes he may be gun-shy, but I don't think he'd be with you in the current level if he didn't care. He just wants to be really sure before he says it. I also agree that next time if he mumbles it just ask what he said, ask for clarification.
Author oldschool1 Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 Yup, you all were right. I knew it but wasn't completely ready to face my demons. Of course he didn't love me. He can't seem to bond with anyone but his cat. We broke up, and I'm not looking back. While we got along very well and had good sex, some emotional depth was missing from our relationship. We both knew it, but each of us responded in different ways. The positive part is that I've finally learned how to open up. It's now become obvious to me that despite a marriage and plenty of boyfriends, I've never really been in love. I'm going to try to meet someone that I'm devoted to in mind and body, and I will make sure he feels the same way. Life is short, and I'm already going out with a new guy tonight. We'll see what happens!!
proseandpassion Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Yup, you all were right. I knew it but wasn't completely ready to face my demons. Of course he didn't love me. He can't seem to bond with anyone but his cat. We broke up, and I'm not looking back. While we got along very well and had good sex, some emotional depth was missing from our relationship. We both knew it, but each of us responded in different ways. The positive part is that I've finally learned how to open up. It's now become obvious to me that despite a marriage and plenty of boyfriends, I've never really been in love. I'm going to try to meet someone that I'm devoted to in mind and body, and I will make sure he feels the same way. Life is short, and I'm already going out with a new guy tonight. We'll see what happens!! Good luck!
Author oldschool1 Posted August 11, 2012 Author Posted August 11, 2012 Life is crazy... Have now been on two very long dates with this new guy. We are talking night and day!! This guy has been more affectionate in 2 dates than my ex was in way over 2 years. He's very smart and interesting and good looking...and insanely expressive. It seems we have some stellar chemistry. But I think it's best not to rush into anything. We did not have sex (though it was hard not to). This guy's also so intense and expressive that I don't know if it's real. Can it possibly be real after 2 dates?? Seems nuts, right?
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